Falling
by angelgazing
Summary: Rafe has fallen for Alison, and she's falling for him. Will their love make it through everything that stands in their way?
1. Chapter 1

Not a story for Alison & Jamal fans! lol Please review and let me know what you think. I write much quicker with feedback. 

  
**Part I All the King's Horses: Chapter 1**   


Her blond hair glittered under the glaring winter sunlight, her pink coat complimented her coloring, reminding him the moment he saw her that the attraction wasn't going away. Two days had only caused it to grow, not lessen. Her pale pink lips were full, she wet them and looked at her watch. She was waiting for him. And he should go over there to say hello. 

But he couldn't. Not yet. Something had him rooted in place studying her, the wonderful way she smiled, the light and love that sparkled in her eyes, it left him staring in wonder at her beauty. Then again, beauty didn't seem to do her justice, as if the fact that she looked amazing in anything – or nothing – wasn't enough, she had this huge heart, filled with love, caring and understanding, she was open, honest, full of life and a certain nervous energy around him lately. He should have known better. 

But he couldn't seem to stop himself anymore than she attempted to stop him. Two weeks had passed since 'the kiss' and she hadn't stopped her new nervousness around him. Endless apologizing didn't make it go away, and apparently neither would time. The jury was still out on what had set about her nervousness. It could be 'the kiss' or it could be the fact that he somehow managed to screw up his plan to not see her and ended up seeing… a lot more of her than either had ever intended. 

The position he was in was uncomfortable to put it lightly. Heartbreaking to put it honestly. He loved her. That realization had taken plenty of time to come around and slap him in the face. And oh, how it had slapped him. Literally. Her hand lightly touching on his cheek may not have been to strike him, but it should have been. What kind of angel kisses a woman with a boyfriend? 

Then again, what kind of angel falls in love with a woman he was supposed to be making sure was happy with her boyfriend? It had to be some cruel joke that the universe was playing on him. His mission was to reunite the couples that had been torn apart by Caleb in Port Charles. He was supposed to not only step back and watch her happy with Jamal, he was supposed to push her toward him if she happened to start having her doubts. This was quickly becoming the hardest job of all. Not even Kevin and his mystery woman had proved to be this challenging. 

This was probably his punishment for breaking the rules. She knew about him, and he made no effort to lie to her. He couldn't have lied to her if he wanted to. It was refreshing to have someone that knew his truth, and amazing that it was her that knew it. Even if that weren't the case, even if he hadn't been completely entrapped in _her_ spell, then just one look in her eyes, filled with childish curiosity and wonder would have brought the truth rushing forward from him. He should have seen it sooner. 

She walked around slowly in a circle, a bundle of nerves and confusion, overflowing emotions. The snow covered evergreen stood proud in the background. The wind caused the branches to wave at him. And he was powerless to stop the thought of her beauty from once again entering his mind. 

She smiled lightly, her eyes darting to the sacks sitting next to the bench, then again to her watch. He was late. The thought rang out through the air as if they had both spoken it. Neither had. Her pacing resumed, snow crunching under her boots as she went along, trying her hardest not to look down at her watch again. 

"It's ok, Alison," she spoke aloud. "He's not going to stand you up. Not that he could stand you up. Standing someone up like, means a date or something and this is **so** not a date. I mean, even if he wasn't like a perfect angel, literally, and you weren't with Jamal then it couldn't be a date because he's leaving like really soon, and you do not need that, Alison. I mean, you know that you're going to miss him enough as it is." Again her eyes landing on her watch and a small curse passed her lips. "Come on, Rafe, I kind of need you here." 

He took a step forward, a smile tugging at his lips. A smile that always seemed to fight to have its way with him when he was near her. "I'm right here." Rafe finally gave in and smiled when she spun around quickly. "I told you I'd be here, here I am." 

Alison smiled back at him shyly. "How much of that did you hear?" 

"Does it matter?" he asked, crossing to her quickly before stopping in time to give her plenty of room to breathe. Being in her personal space had never served either of them well in the past. Maybe her pull wouldn't be as strong with a little bit of distance. 

"Yes! I mean, no, I guess not." She blinked before laughing at herself. "I know you are like super busy, and you probably don't have time for me to just go off on you again like I did before, because I rant like endlessly sometimes, and you... know that I guess, so if you… like need to leave or something, I don't want to keep you from something important. Like making sure all these people I care about are happy and smiling and… and in love again." 

"You're important too, Alison." Rafe paused, his smile fading slightly into a more serious expression as he took another step closer to her against his will. "Especially to me." 

She tried to force a smile as she broke the eye contact. "Right. You… You know you're like really important to me too, right? Cause you're like my best friend lately, and I guess I should just get used to not always calling you when something happens, and I really shouldn't spend so much time with you because after that kiss Jamal has been really, really jealous, even more than before. But you're hard to stay away from, because I care about you. And this is all just really new to me, you know?" 

"Not really," he muttered, cocking his head to the side slightly. "But I do know it's very new to me. I've never had a friend before." 

"I've never known an angel before." 

"Maybe it's the angels that lose there, Alison." 

"You shouldn't be so sweet to me. I mean, I just like may have totally and completely ruined everything for you! Which is really awful of me, because you're out there trying to do all this good, and my big mouth just keeps getting to in trouble, as if you don't have a hard enough job as it is. I know, all you have to say is, 'way to go, Alison.' I'm so, so unbelievably sorry." 

Rafe just smiled. "What happened?" 

"I was talking to Livvie, and she said something, and I don't remember what it was, but her and Jack got back together, which I'm sure you already know, and she wanted to know if you had anything to do with it. And I was like trying to dodge the question, you know? But it was hard, because she can always tell when I'm lying. So I told her that if you pushed them in the right direction then she should thank you. And she said that if you did then she would because she was really greatful. But Jamal was listening in and made some really rude remark about you being an angel, cause I sort of blurted it out during an argument because he was accusing you of having a _thing_ for me, what ever that means, like angels do that, then again I never thought an angel would kiss me. Anyway, it's not like he thought I meant you were a real angel or anything, he thought I was talking about your personality, which you really do fit the profile because you're sweet, kind, caring… Livvie thought that I meant you were a real, real angel though, maybe it's not such a stretch for her cause she married a vampire or something? So she ran off before I could-" 

"Alison, would you please take a breath before you pass out?" 

She inhaled quickly before rushing on again, "So she ran off before I could like stop her or try and tell her it wasn't true or something like that, and I think she went to tell Jack. I don't know though, and I don't know if anyone is going to figure it out or if everyone is and it'll be all my fault. Cause you know, I just slipped that once to Jamal, and he is so insanely jealous of you because he thinks I've got a cr- Anyway, I'm so, so sorry." 

"It's ok, Alison," he promised, smiling at her once again. "No one is going to find out, for all they know the only weird thing about me is that I'm a slayer." 

"You're not weird… Well… Not really…" 

Laughing softly, Rafe shook his head. "Don't worry, Alison. You aren't going to hurt my feelings. Are you ok?" 

She seemed to drop to the bench beside them. "No. Jamal has been a total jerk lately, and I know that I deserve it, but still it's hard to deal with. He's so mean to me and to you…" 

"Hey, don't worry about him being mean to me. I deserve it. You don't. Got it?" 

"You do not deserve it! You're an angel! You've been my friend and you were like so great to me, and I'm alive because of you! He's just…" 

"Jealous." 

"Yeah," Alison sighed. "He's jealous because I kissed you. He slept with his ex-girlfriend, found out he had a child with her, and I totally supported him while he was going through all that with Hope, you know? And I even let the mother of his child live in my house with us! And he's jealous because of one… ok, two little… or not so little kisses. He's jealous and the first thing I do is call you, or try and find you so I can see you." 

He sat beside her, once again careful to keep a distance. "You'll work it out with him." 

"What if I don't want to?" Alison whispered, turning her head to look at him. "What if I'm tired of being in a relationship that is so much work?" 

"Anything worth having is worth fighting for?" Rafe suggested lightly. 

Alison dropped her head on his shoulder. "I just want it to be easy for a while, you know?" A tear slid down her cheek, and he brushed it away with his thumb. "I just want something that's easy. I'm tired of fighting." 

Rafe wrapped his arm around her shoulders, hugging her in an attempt to comfort her. Silently he cursed the happiness that seemed to rise within him at her words, he crushed it, focusing on the pain her tears sent through him instead. "Just be happy, Alison," he murmured, placing a kiss on the top of her hair. "Jamal makes you happy." 

"Not lately," she sobbed, turning her body slightly to be closer to him. "Lately you're the one making me happy." 


	2. Chapter 2

  
**Part I All the King's Horses: Chapter 2**   


He couldn't find a reply to that statement, so he stopped trying and just remained silent, holding her while she cried. She was shaking with sobs, and he didn't try to stop himself from wrapping his other arm around her, pulling her closer to him. Holding her tightly, somehow knowing that it was all she wanted at the moment. To be held by someone so tightly she thought they'd never let her go. 

And he didn't want to let her go. The last thing in the world that he wanted to do was let her go and get away from him. He'd be more than happy to sit on this bench holding her for the rest of eternity. Did she know that? Could she see it? Wasn't it obvious and clear to her? It was obviously very clear to the man she was in love with, so it only stood to reason that she'd know too. 

His fingers lost themselves in the long blond strands of silk, his fingers found a rhythm calming to them both. From her temple, behind her ear, down and out. The process was repeated over and over, he concentrated on the gentle, soothing motion to keep his thoughts from wandering elsewhere. It was much safer to think about how to make her feel better than, oh say, just how closely he really was holding her, or the way she smelled like a flower he couldn't quite place. 

Alison sighed shakily, out of tears, and not wanting to find the energy to move from this embrace. His fingers moving through her hair made her now puffy eyes heavy, and still she couldn't think of a single reason to move away from him. It was easy being here, being like this, with him. And it would be so easy to just drift off right now. How long has it been since she'd slept for more than an hour at a time? "You know, if you keep that up I may just fall asleep on you." 

There are worse fates in the world, he thought. His fingers paused in her hair and he quickly clamped down the thought before it gave itself life through words. No, telling her that he'd be more than happy to just hold her would _not_ do either of them any good. 

He wasn't going to reply to that, maybe because he sensed that she hadn't meant to let that admission slip. She wondered briefly how it was he always managed to know just what to say or do. How just being around him could make almost anything in her life better. How he always made the hurt disappear. Then of course, the obvious answer came to her. He's an angel. And if he could read her mind they were both in a lot of trouble. 

An equally shaky giggle passed her lips, and she turned her head slightly, resting her cheek on his shoulder. "No magic dust that can turn crabby, jealous boyfriends into angels huh?" 

Rafe shook his head, smiling down at her. "Nope. Sorry." His eyebrows lowered in thought. "You love Jamal just the way he is, Alison. I know that as well as you do." 

"What don't you know about me?" she muttered, sighing again. She pulled away slowly, reluctantly, and not bothering to dwell on why she was so reluctant. Some part of her seemed to know the answer, but she figured it might be best to let that part of her keep it a secret. "I'm sorry." 

"For what?" 

"Crying all over you?" 

Tilting his head, Rafe smiled again. "Don't be. That's what I'm here for!" 

"No it isn't. You're here to get all the messed up couples of Port Charles back together, and after that happens… You're leaving aren't you?" 

He nodded. Frowning in response to the look of sadness in her eyes. Words escaped him at the site of tears filling those beautiful blue eyes of hers again. He wanted to swear to always stay right next to her, that too was pushed down. 

She nodded back. Trying to clear away the sudden rush of emotion when she cleared her throat and swallowed hard. "Right. Well… You know, I'm sure that 'listening to Alison babble and cry and whine' isn't in your job description or, you know, on your time table. You're a very busy angel, I know that. So I should probably just let you get back to work and stop trying to hog the miracle." 

"I think you're the miracle." 

Alison smiled, and it held a hint of shyness. "You're really sweet to me, Rafe." 

"You're easy to be sweet to." He looked away for a second, and when he looked back he wore a smile again. "You went shopping to blow off steam?" 

"No!" she replied slightly defensive in the face of his teasing tone. "I went shopping to get in the Christmas spirit again. I thought I'd decorate some more. Plus I got stuff for Christmas cookies, and more syrup for the muffins, and I thought I might try to make a gingerbread house. You know, you never did take me up on that offer to help me bake. Besides, I had time to spare before you could meet me." 

Rafe chuckled lightly. "I can't bake. Sorry. The last time I tried to cook I nearly burned down my kitchen. It was a pretty scary. Luckily I had a drawer full of take out menus for places that thought the tip was worth the visit to the horror house handy." He paused, shaking off the memory. "Besides, you might get some bright idea since I surrendered the last food fight." 

Her innocently smile was easy to see through. "I told you that was an accident!" 

"Oh, and I believed you." 

"I don't think you did," she replied, pouting slightly. "I think you actually think _I_ am capable of starting a food fight. Sweet little innocent me!" 

Rafe laughed again lightly. "Oh, right, I'm sorry. I'd call you angelic but…" 

She joined in his laughter, bumping his shoulder with hers. "Well you know, I can't say you're anything like I expected an angel to be. You're like… normal, and… stuff." 

"I can't say anyone has ever accused me of being normal before… Should I thank you or be insulted?" 

"Oh, you should definitely thank me. If it weren't for the light, and the energy, and the miracles, and all that stuff, then I never would have known you were an angel! But it's cool, you know? You're cool." Alison batted her eyes and smiled sweetly. "You wouldn't happen to like, need an assistant today would you? Because I think I might like to maybe stand in line and fill out an application." 

"In other words, you want to have something to do to hide from your boyfriend." 

"No! Yes. Maybe a little?" She sat back and sighed again. "I don't want to see Jamal right now. And I should probably go and find Livvie and try to straighten everything out, you know? Because I don't want to like be the one to blow your cover. But I'd much rather just spend the day with you," she added hopefully. "You just like, make all the bad stuff go away for a little while and you make me laugh and smile, and I want to do that today." 

"I like making you smile," he whispered. "You have a beautiful smile." Rafe looked away, breaking the look that passed between them and held them both firmly in place. It was his turn to clear his throat. "So anyway, Kevin has this mystery woman, and Lucy doesn't trust him, or me when I say he isn't having an affair." 

"He's not though, right?" 

He smiled and looked back at her. "No. But I can't tell you who she is. He wants to surprise Lucy, and surprised aren't fun when everyone knows." 

"Oh, gee, thanks." 

Again he had to laugh. "Not that _you_ would tell everyone! You're keeping my secret pretty well considering. But it has to be really special when he tells her, or shows her, I haven't figured out what his plan is just yet. It's going to be great, and she's going to love it, but for now she has to trust him, and I haven't figured out how to make her do that yet." 

"No miracle cures that will make people trust someone?" 

His look said it all. "No. Stop with the miracles already. The only miracle will be if I manage to pull this all off. I can't make people feel anything, or do anything, I can just point them in the right direction." Rafe felt his smile taper off into another laugh. "Ok, except with Chris. That one was a miracle. He cannot tell a lie." 

Alison joined in his laughter. "That must be breaking his heart. Or his sanity. Does he have a heart?" 

"Yeah, it's just buried pretty deep. That man's been burned all his life. Lies and schemes are a way to forget that." Shifting on the bench, Rafe turned face her, not failing to notice she moved to sit the same way. "His attitude is a way to hide the fact that he's hurt. It's a defense mechanism, and he doesn't realize he's his own worst enemy." 

"Well, but you know, if you think about it, that's pretty easy to see. And like I told you before, having him making progress with Jack is like totally amazing, because that can't stand each other-" 

"They love each other," he corrected, shaking his head slightly. "Despite everything, they really do love each other." 

"Well… yeah. You always love your family, even if you, you know, don't get along all that great or something." 

Rafe tilted his head, studying her for a moment while she squirmed under his gaze. "When was the last time you talked to your grandmother? It's pretty clear that you miss her." 

"I… She sent me a Christmas card." 

"You live in the same town, Alison. Stop in and say hello. Go over there and tell her 'Merry Christmas' sometime, ok? I bet she misses you even more than you miss her." 

Alison started to nod then stopped herself. "I'll make you a deal. I'll go see my grandmother, and you let me help you today." 

"How are you going to go see your grandmother if you're with me?" 

"I'll see her tomorrow. Come on, please? I can help! I really can! Do you need to work with Ian and Eve again? I can offer to watch Daniel, because he's the prettiest baby." 

"No, I don't. Those two are doing just fine on their own. You were good with him though. You're going to make a great mother someday." 

She started to tuck her hair behind her ear but he beat her to it, leaving her hands with nothing to do. "Well, I hope so… Someday. I really like kids. And you were good with him too! He loved the light show!" Her eyes darted away briefly before landing on him again. "So, what do you say? Need a helper?" 

"Jack and Livvie are doing good, Ian and Eve are going down the right road, Chris can't lie, Karen and Frank are in heaven with each other, and her health is improving. Kevin and Lucy are still a little rocky, but those two will work out without a doubt. There's really only one more couple I'm supposed to be making sure is happy, and I don't think you spending time with me is going to help that." 

"Me and Jamal." 

"Bingo." 

Alison started to pout then changed her mind. Grabbing his hand she stood and pulled him up as well, gathering her sacks with his help. "Come on, we're going to drop all this stuff off, then I'll help you with Kevin and Lucy anyway I can." 

Smiling and shaking his head, Rafe let her pull him behind her. "I take it 'no' isn't an option?" 

"Nope. You're stuck with me for at least a little while." 

"I think I may be able to handle that." 


	3. Chapter 3

  
**Part I: Chapter 3**   


It was impossible to describe the feeling of dread that settled in the bottom on his stomach as she led him up the stairs. This was anything but a good idea. "How about if I just wait down here…" 

"No. Come on. We're not doing anything wrong, Rafe." 

"Well… That's a matter of opinion. I'm sure Jamal would think you being anywhere near me was pretty much wrong, and you know, I'm not entirely sure that I disagree with him…" 

She turned on the top step to glare at him. "Stop being such a baby. All I'm going to do is drop off these things, then we can go do… whatever. Alright?" 

"I'm not being a baby," Rafe mumbled in reply, he sighed before taking the next step with her tugging at his arm. "I still don't see why you can't drop off these things just fine without me." 

"Because you're helping me carry them." Alison let go of his hand to unlock the door. "If it makes you feel any better, Jamal isn't even here." 

"No. No, that doesn't make me feel better at all." 

She glared at him again, opening the door and making a motion for him to pass. He didn't move. "Rafe, it will just take five minutes. If that! Would you just go, please?" 

"Well…" He shifted uncomfortably. "I guess since you said please…" It was fairly easy for him to decide he had a serious problem not being able to say no to her. "But I am so not staying here long." 

Alison rolled her eyes. "The apartment doesn't bite." 

"Yeah, well," he muttered, walking past her and inside, staring at the air in front of the sofa. The memories rushed him. Her lips, her hair, the way she tasted, he cursed himself silently. He was going _straight_ to hell. And something kept telling him it was a very, very bad idea to return to the scene of the crime. 

"Rafe?" 

He turned to look at her, found that she had taken off her coat and thrown it over the back of the sofa, and tried his best to ignore her smirk. "Alison?" 

"You can put the bags down over here if you want," she said slowly, as if speaking to a child that wasn't listening. 

"Right. Bags. I'm sorry." 

"What is it with you always apologizing to me when you're in here?" 

"Do you really want me to answer that question?" 

"The quicker you sit those down over here the quicker we can go." 

"Right," he repeated, cautiously stepping over to drop the bags on the counter before backing up again and putting distance between them. "There. They're here. Can I go now?" 

"Why are you so nervous?" 

"Do you really need to ask?" he countered, slipping out of his coat and throwing it over the counter beside the bags. 

"Would you like stop answering my questions with questions?" 

Rafe crossed his arms over his chest. He leaned back against the opposite counter almost causally. "Would you stop asking so many questions?" he couldn't help but tease her. Catching the dishtowel she threw at him easily, he smiled and sat it down beside him. "I really don't think I should be here, or that no matter where I am you should be with me." 

"Don't tell me what I should and shouldn't do!" She opened one bag, putting things away in a flurry of motion, making sure for the time being to keep the space between them. "I hate it when people tell me what I should and shouldn't do and stuff like that! My grandmother tried it-" 

"And you moved out, let her disown you, and committed to a perfect, happy life with Jamal." 

"Only it's not perfect! And it's not even all that happy either! And lately, it's not just me and Jamal, it's Valerie and Jamal and me. I'm on the outside. He's like all wrapped up in helping her, and he's doing this good deed, and all that, but he like totally doesn't care about my feelings! Instead, he invited that woman to live in my home! This was supposed to be out place to get away from our problems, you know? Only it's not anymore! Now it's like, 'the scene of the crime' because he caught us here, and he invited Valerie to live here, and you know, I'm not even all that comfortable in my own home anymore because it's all so different! Nothing is the same! The feelings aren't the same anymore, and I want them to be, but I don't! We've been through like, so much together, and it's like none of that matters at all to him anymore." 

"But you love him, and he loves you. You have a life together, and a home. You've been through all of that together, and you can't just throw it away because his ex shows up trying to steal him away from you." 

Alison sighed heavily. Holding a jar of syrup in one hand at a dangerous angle, while the other rested on her hip. "You don't know what you're talking about!" She pointed at him with the jar for emphasize with each word. "Jamal is different now! I mean, I've been totally supportive about all of it. I let her live here, I urged him to do whatever he felt was right with Hope. I promised to support him either way-" Her words cut off when the heavy jar slipped from her hand. 

Rafe caught the jar just before it hit the floor and moved back, sitting it down on the counter beside the dishtowel. "Jamal is still upset, Alison, and so are you. You have to understand that and have faith that it will all work out between you. You obviously love him, and it's obviously hurting you not to have everything ok between the two of you, you know? So just… Just trust that everything will be ok in the end, and it will." 

"Why should I trust him?" she demanded, going back to her task of putting away things. "I mean, it's not like he trusts me!" 

"Well… That's my fault." 

"We are **not** talking about that again, Rafe! I kissed you back. Got it? It wasn't some silly little one way peck on the cheek. Stop pretending that it was all you or something!" 

"Yes, ma'am." 

She turned to arrange the candy on the counter, refusing to meet his eyes. "Jamal has given me just as many, if not more reasons not to trust him, you know. He has a child with a woman that I can't stand to be around but have bent over backwards to be nice to for him. I've supported him through everything, and no matter what I do, he still lies to me! He was supposed to be going out of town to get a part to fix one of the bikes in the shop, and instead he was going to the Hartman's with Valerie." 

"Caleb was playing with everyone back then, Alison." 

Alison spun around again, her back pressed to the counter directly across from him. Her fingers clutched the edge as if it was the only thing that could keep her from sinking to the floor. She couldn't meet his eyes. "You said you can't make anyone do anything. Caleb didn't _make_ Jamal lie to me. He may have set the whole thing in motion with Livvie 'helping' but he didn't make Jamal lie to me. He did that on his own. Everytime." 

"Yeah, but Caleb set up the circumstances that made him think he had to lie to you." 

"If it was all Caleb, why isn't everything back to the way it was before any of this happened?" 

Rafe decided she wasn't going to look at him anytime soon and absently started spinning the jar of syrup. "Alison, if there was anyway to make everything Caleb ever to do someone go away, I'd have done it a long time ago. But there isn't. And you know, there is always a chance that you two will come out of this even better and stronger than before. You can't just discount everything that you are to each other because you hit a rough patch." 

She watched the jar spinning, the light catching on the glass every now and then causing it to sparkle. "I can't believe you managed to catch that." 

"One of my many hidden talents, I guess," he shrugged. 

Nodding, Alison crossed to him in two small steps, snatching the jar with a smile. "Think you could do it again?" 

He saw the look in her eyes and reached for the syrup before the thought not to had processed completely. "Yes. But let's not try our luck. Did you ever get the last batch out of the carpet?" 

"Yes!" Her hand stayed on the jar, but she let him pull it back and sit it on the counter beside him once more. Looking up, she noticed for the first time just how close they really were. 

"Well," a voice said from the doorway. An all too familiar voice. "Isn't this just cozy." 


	4. Chapter 4

  
**Part I: Chapter 4**   


"Jamal," Alison cringed. "This isn't what it looks like." She quickly released the jar and stepped back. 

"That's what you said last time, Ally." 

"It really isn't at all like you think it is." Rafe closed his eyes. He _knew_ this was a bad idea. He knew it. A sudden urge to say 'I told you so' come up, but he squashed it quickly. "Jamal… You've got the wrong idea." 

"No, no, you know what? Just get away from my lady and stay away. I think _you_ have got the wrong idea. You're over here trying to steal my girl, and you just can't seem to take the hint that she doesn't want you. She loves _me_ and only me! It's my bed she's in, I'm the one she chose over her family." 

"Jamal," Alison hissed. "Don't do that. Just stop it." 

"Don't protect your angel, Ally. Of course, I still don't know what kind of an angel you think he is. The man is all over you! Don't you see the way he looks at you? He'd probably kill to have you in his bed and we all know it! He _wants _you, Ally! He's trying to steal you from me-" 

"You make it sound like she's a VCR," Rafe mumbled, straightening. "I'm not all over her. Please keep in mind that she is a person and even if I wanted to, I couldn't "steal" her anymore than you can own her. But you have a point, Alison shouldn't be trying to protect me. I've told her as much." 

"Yeah? Well then stop trying to guilt her into being with you, man! You have been after her since day one! Just stay away from my girl!" 

"Jamal," Alison demanded again. "Stop it. I called Rafe, ok? I went and I looked for _him._ I was upset, and he made me feel better. He isn't trying to steal me from you, he's been pushing me toward you since we met up in the park. Give it a rest would you? He's been keeping his distance from me, and I have been the one searching him out. If I need a friend, he's there for me." 

"Oh, yeah I bet he's there for you! He's jumping at every opportunity to make you think I'm the bad guy in this! He is after you, Ally! When are you going to open you eyes and see it?" 

"I'm not after her!" Rafe called, shaking his head when neither seemed to hear him. "I'm not after her. I can't be after her. That would be against the rules. No, no instead I'm pushing her toward her boyfriend, who happens to be acting like a jealous jerk. But hey! Who am I to pass judgment?" 

"He's not jumping at anything! I had to practically beg him to see me today! And even then I wasn't completely sure he'd show up. He's been trying to keep the distance, because he seems to think it would help me and you! He's looking out for me, Jamal. So I met him in the park and he _listened _to me! Then I had to drag him up here long enough for me to put these things away." 

"Oh, so this is all your idea?" Jamal shot back, anger flashing in his eyes. "You _want_ to be with him? Then why do you still come home to me at the end of the day, Alison? Huh? Why!" 

He was blocked. They were blocking the only way he had out of the kitchen. The door seemed miles away. Not that he really needed a door, but then, Jamal might get kind of suspicious if he just disappeared into thin air. Not that he had any doubt that the guy would like that. "She doesn't want to be with me," Rafe muttered. Leaning back against the counter again in defeat. 

"Or maybe," Jamal continued. "This has all been a lie. Maybe that wasn't a goodbye kiss, maybe it was 'hi, how you doing'. Maybe you've been going behind my back with your angel all this time!" 

"Why does he keep calling me your angel?" 

"I have **not** been going around behind your back! But I can see how much you trust me. Thanks a lot for the vote, Jamal, I'm touched. You actually think that I would cheat on you?" Alison demanded, her voice starting to shake. "You slept with Valerie! You lied to me again and again…" 

"And you told me he was leaving! You kissed him in _our_ living room, Ally! Maybe the one I don't trust is him." 

Alison glared at him. "Rafe has been _nothing_ but sweet to me. Something you haven't been in a long time! He listens to me, and he talks to me, and he is my _friend_. I happened to need a friend and he was willing to be there for me when no one else was. So what, Jamal? I'm not cheating on you, I'm not sleeping with him!" 

"You kissed him!" 

"Technically," Rafe sighed. "I kissed her. But I've been ordered not to bring that up again. Should I go and let you two talk alone?" Again neither showed any sign of hearing him. "Alright, then, I guess that's a no." 

"One kiss! You'd think I had a night of wild tongue whipped sex with him!" 

Rafe raised his eyebrows and bit his tongue himself from responding. That would definitely be a thought he shouldn't dwell on for very long at all. 

"Maybe because you want him, Ally! Maybe because you aren't staying away from him even after I asked you to! Maybe I'm making a big deal about it because it's obvious you wouldn't have minded one bit if I _had_ left town that night and given you more time to yourselves! Tell me something, Ally, would you have stopped? Would you have broken the kiss if I didn't show up?" 

"Yes! Yes, I would have! If he didn't first! It was just a goodbye kiss, Jamal." 

"If it was a goodbye kiss, then why is he still here?" 

Rafe threw his hands up in the air. "Am I here?" 

"I told you! I went looking for him! I want to see him, and I want to spend time with him before he has to leave. He is my friend! It's no different than you spending time with Livvie! And a lot more innocent than most of the time you spend with Valerie!" 

"God, are we back to you being jealous of her?" 

"No," Rafe muttered to himself. "We're back to you being jealous of her spending time with me. Same page we've been on since I met her in the park. You treat her badly, she wants to talk, I know how to listen, you've forgotten. It's simply really. Except the part where I have to do the right thing and get you two all happy together again, that isn't simple at all. No, in fact it's pretty hard considering I hate to push her toward someone that thinks of her as a piece property. But you do what you have to in order to get the job done." 

"No, we're not going there, Jamal. Because _you_ are the one that is jealous of Rafe! I let you spend all the time you want with the mother of your child, I let it slide that you lied to me, I just ignored the fact that you _slept_ with her. I even let her live in _my_ home. Now is it really such a crime to have a friend that will listen to me talk about this and anything else I may be feeling since you won't?" 

"I listen to you all the time!" 

"You never listen to me anymore, Jamal! All you do is brush off my feelings like they don't matter. You put _her_ ahead of me. You listen to her, you help her, you comfort her and care about her! But you don't do that for me, Jamal! I'm the one alone in this, except for Rafe who doesn't even come around me anymore because he doesn't want to ruin what I have with you." 

"What do we have, Alison? A relationship that's beyond repair?" 

Rafe whistled loudly, causing them both to look at him, finally. "Now that I have your attention," he smiled. "I'm not after Alison, I happen to enjoy her company and wasn't aware that you had rules about her so much as speaking to another guy. I'll try to keep that in mind for the future." 

"Yeah, you better," Jamal growled. 

Rafe went on as if he didn't even speak. "Now, obviously you two need to talk alone. So I'll just go if you would be so kind as to move?" Jamal stepped back and he walked past him, grabbing his coat on his way to the door. "Alison, remember what I said! And you can always call me if you need me, ok?" 

"Ok," she whispered, nodding. "Thank you." 

"Just doing my job." 

Jamal watched her carefully as she stared at the closed door. "I don't mean to push you aside for Valerie. We're just going through a lot right now with Hope…" 

"I know," she whispered, finally turned her head to look at him again. "But you do, and it hurts. And Rafe can make it stop hurting for a little while." 

"Right, your angel." 

"Yeah, my angel," she smiled, knowing she shouldn't from the hateful tone of his voice when he said it. "Rafe is really sweet to me, he can make me feel better about almost anything. You don't even try to do that anymore, Jamal. It's like I'm not important enough for you to care about anymore, and I understand that you are just trying to do the right thing for your child. You know that I support you no matter what you decide on that or on anything else. But I don't feel like you support me at all anymore." 

"Baby, you know I support you on anything and everything. I love you." 

Tears filled her eyes, and she walked past him to where Rafe, her angel, had been standing only moments before. "I know. I know that, but I don't feel it. I love you too." Alison picked up the jar of syrup again, turning it in her hand as if inspecting the label. 

Then it hit him. It had enough force behind it to knock him back a step, and he stared at the woman he loved in shock, tears suddenly stinging his eyes. The realization had knocked the air out of him, stealing his composure and tact. Anger filtered through with the hurt, and an unbelievable amount of loss. "You're in love with him," he whispered. 

Her eyes flew to his quickly, and the only sounds in the world were a breaking glass and the echo of his words. 


	5. Chapter 5

  
**Part I: Chapter 5**   


"W-What?" 

"I-I don't know why I didn't see it before… It should have been so clear, you know? The way you've been moping around lately, how you get these secret smiles and then say you were thinking about me when I can see in your eyes you're lying… You… What kind of an idiot am I? I was blaming it all on him, I actually thought it was all coming from his side… But it wasn't. You made no move to stop him, you just… My God, Ally… You're in love with Rafe?" 

She grabbed the dishtowel, swooping down quickly and picking up the largest pieces of glass first. The syrup was sinking into the floor, spreading and staining as it went. Alison glanced up when the trashcan was placed in front of her, and she knew immediately that it was a mistake to do such. She threw the glass away, bringing her finger to her mouth without a thought, licking away the thick, sweet liquid from her skin with a quick flick of her tongue. 

"Alison, you aren't answering me." 

Blinking, she pulled her finger from her mouth and turned her attention back to the mess at hand. "I don't know what you expect me to say, Jamal." Her hands were shaking, and she couldn't stop them. The tremble was spreading up her arms, soon it would claim her completely. 

"I want you to either deny it or say it's true." 

"I love him." A tear fell, tainting the sweet syrup. "I love him, Jamal. Like you love a friend. I'm not in love with him. The way I feel about Rafe and the way that I feel about you are both completely different things. I'm not going to get married to Rafe, or have children with him, or sleep with him even. That's not the kind of relationship that I have with him. He is my friend, and it doesn't go anywhere beyond that." 

"You sound kind of disappointed," he whispered dryly. 

"Well, you know, maybe I am! Maybe I am more disappointed than you'll ever know. But not about me and Rafe. I'm disappointed that you would even ask me that! You just asked me if I was in love with Rafe for crying out loud! Or you told me. I mean, you don't see me going around asking you if you're in love with Valerie." 

"That's because you know I'm not!" 

"No! No, I don't know that you aren't!" When she looked up at him again fire had replaced the tears in her eyes. "I don't know anything about how you feel towards Valerie, because you don't talk to me anymore! You don't listen, you don't talk, you don't believe me… But I don't ask you because I _trust_ you, Jamal." 

His eyes bore into hers, unsettling her stomach with the way he appeared to look inside of her right then. When did it become uncomfortable to have Jamal look at her that way? Alison suddenly felt the urge to try and pinpoint the day. Something reminded her that it wasn't today, this wasn't the first time. And the walls went up, blocking off his unasked questions. She wasn't going to let him see her mind. Not now. 

"You don't know." 

Alison blinked again. "What?" 

"You don't know. I just threw out the option of you being in love with him. It was never on the table before, you never considered it or thought about it. My God, Ally, when did you fall for someone else?" 

"I didn't fall for Rafe," she growled. Her movements became quicker as she threw piece after piece of glass into the trash. She hissed suddenly, pulling her finger into her mouth once more and getting the coppery taste of blood in her mouth this time, and it over powered the sugary syrup. So much for her Christmas muffins. Between her and Rafe it would be next year before she managed to keep a jar long enough to even try and bake with it. "I did **not** fall for Rafe," she repeated. "I'm not in love with him. We're just friends." 

"Yeah, maybe if you say it enough times you'll start to believe it, but I'm not buying it. I've seen the way you look at him, Ally. I've seen the way he looks at you! A blind man could see that you two set off smoke alarms when your eyes meet across a room!" 

She sat against the cabinet door, the sharp metal handle digging into her back. "That's not true, Jamal. You're jealous of Rafe, and you're seeing things that aren't there! We're just friends! It's nothing like that between us!" 

"Right. Nothing at all like that, huh? Then why can't you stay away from him, Ally? Why do you always end up running to him? It's not an accident, I'm not buying it, and it's not just because he's your friend and he makes things easy. You can't stay away from him, and you don't want to. You're in love with him!" 

"No. I'm not in love with him." She pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them protectively and rested her forehead on her knee, fighting the trembling in her limbs with everything she had. "I'm not in love with him." 

"There you go repeating it and hoping you'll believe it again." 

"I'm hoping _you_ will believe me, Jamal!" 

"Yeah? Well don't hold your breath. I know you too well to not know it now that it's slapped me in the face. You're in love with your 'angel' and you can't stand it because he's going to leave soon. Maybe if you beg him he'll stay." 

"He can't stay, Jamal, he has no control of the situation. You wouldn't understand! I'm not in love with him! He isn't in love with me! He isn't after me, and I would never, never cheat on you with him." 

"Right, because he's an angel," he sneered, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "Your own personal guardian angel." 

"No," she mumbled under her breath. "But he wouldn't turn down the job." Alison raised her head, looking at him with an expression that was too jumbled with emotions to read. She spoke louder, clearer, "I'm not in love with Rafe. I didn't fall for him. You are just jealous of him and jumping to the wrong conclusions. It's like you're projecting or something. You cheated on me, so I must have cheated on you right?" 

"Alison, that's not what's going on…" 

"Oh, well then, you know what, Jamal? Please, inform me what is going on here, because I obviously don't know." 

"You know exactly what's going on here, Alison! If anyone is "projecting" it's you. Why don't you just stop lying to me? Stop lying to yourself! Even though your angel is leaving you, you're in love with him. And you're pushing me aside after everything we've been through to have a fling that won't last." 

"I'm not pushing you away, Jamal," she said calmly. "I'm being pushed. And I'm tired of trying to dig by feet in and stay in place! You're not paying any attention to me at all, except when it's to throw some jealous fit over me having a friend who happens to be male. You know, it's like totally unfair of you to say these things to me. I'm not lying to anyone. I'm _not _in love with Rafe. He's leaving soon. He's my friend. He helps me, I help him. That's how it works. I didn't fall for him. I am not in love with him. Neither of us have any intentions of ever having a "fling" so can you please just drop it?" 

Jamal sighed. "Forget this, Alison. I'm not going to fight with you about it anymore. When you wake up and decide whether you want a man that will stay with you and treat you right or your angel that is going to be leaving, let me know." He turned swiftly, walking out and slamming the door behind him before she could get in another word. 

Alison surrendered to the tremble of her body, and she ignored the tears falling freely from her eyes. "I'm not in love with Rafe," she repeated to the empty apartment. "I'm not." Unable to stand, she pulled her cell phone from her pocket and dialed with shaking fingers. "Hi, it's me… Yeah… I really need a friend right now." She nodded, and hung up, finally giving into another sob. "I'm not in love with Rafe. I didn't fall for him." 

So maybe Jamal wasn't totally off about her trying to convince herself. She couldn't possibly be in love with Rafe though. He's an angel. He's leaving. He doesn't feel the same way. He couldn't possibly. He spent all day trying to convince her to give Jamal another chance and to have faith. "I'm not in love with Rafe," she sobbed. 

Working quickly once more, she tried to clean up the sticky mess in the floor. Of all the things to drop she had to drop syrup. Working the rag over it, she scrubbed furiously, trying to work off the anger, pain, fear, and confusion. Another shard of glass embedded itself into her skin, and she ignored it. "I'm not in love with him. I didn't fall for him." 

"I didn't fall for him. I didn't fall for him. I didn't fall for him." The mantra passed her lips barely above a whisper, for how long she didn't know, before breaking off into sobs once more. Still the words ran through her mind. I didn't fall for him. I didn't fall for him. I didn't fall for him. I didn't… I didn't fall for him. 

"Alison," he whispered, taking her hand and removing the rag from it forcefully. Rafe studied the cuts for a minute before sighing and placing his fingertips to hers. She didn't so much as blink at the flash. He pulled her close, holding her while she cried for the second time that day. "It's ok. Everything is going to be ok," he promised. 

"B-But… But I'm falling." 


	6. Chapter 6

  
**Part I: Chapter 6**   


He was becoming an experienced crying shoulder. She knew it, somewhere inside, she knew that falling apart on him was an all around bad idea. And somewhere else inside, the thought that she'd be more than content to remain right here in his arms was echoing through her. Her mind kept screaming at her, again and again, _don't fall for it, Alison. Don't fall for him. Get away. Runaway. Find Jamal. Don't fall for it…_

She didn't want to listen. She didn't want to do much of anything but stay right here in this spot, practically sitting in his lap with his arms tightly, protectively wrapped around her. It may have registered somewhere that she'd stopped crying hours ago to the both them, but if it had neither showed any signs of it. 

The sun was setting outside, and the light that came through the window was slowly fading, casting shadows on the cabinets across from them. It was almost as if they were watching the sunset itself. But then, he always seemed to make her feel like she was seeing something absolutely beautiful and rare. He never failed to bring the beauty of her life into better focus, letting her see the light instead of the darkness and shadows that sometimes still threatened to over take her. 

His fingers had found their motion from before, sweeping through her hair with pure gentleness and caring. His tenderness with her was enough to make her want to weep. The motion didn't bring drowsiness this time, only a small ache inside of her that she wasn't entirely sure how to describe. It was comforting and confusing, and she didn't think she wanted it to go away. 

A thought from earlier came again, repeated itself like a whisper in her ear. This was easy. Maybe the easiest thing in her life. Everything was complicated, and her friendship with him may have caused more than a few bumps when she was supposed to be sailing on smooth waters, but being like this, or any other way with him for that matter, was unbelievable easy. Simple, uncomplicated, gentle, not demanding anything but that she be herself and smile from time to time. If she was tired of hurting, she found him. 

And she was falling. She was falling fast, and she was falling hard. And the idea had to be one of the worst ones she'd ever had. He couldn't feel the same way about her. Even... Even if he wanted to he couldn't. He's leaving, Alison reminded herself. He's leaving, she had two weeks with him tops before Christmas came and he was stolen away from her. Besides, he's an angel. 

Alison smiled. Her angel. 

"Now that's what I like to see." His fingers halted their rhythm and he burshed her cheek with the pad of his thumb. "What's so funny?" 

She giggled lightly. "Nothing. I-I'm sorry." 

"Don't be." Rafe put his chin on her head, smiling lightly with her. "You have nothing to be sorry for, Alison. I think we've been over this already." 

Her arms tightened around him. "Yeah, we have… I probably shouldn't have called you. I mean, you probably have tons of other things you have to do, and instead you're stuck here with me." 

"I can think of worse places to be stuck." 

"B-But aren't you like super busy?" 

"Never too busy for you, Alison," he promised. Tucking her hair behind her ear again, he finally just let his fingers linger in the soft blond locks. "I'm glad you called me. Jamal probably wouldn't be thrilled, but you know that you can call me any time. Got it?" 

"Got it." She sniffed, shifted on her knees tiredly to sit closer to him. "I feel better now that you're here." The admission came out as soft as air. 

Rafe pulled away slightly to look in her eyes. "I'm glad I can make you feel better." He studied her for a minute more before they both returned to their previous position. "You wanna talk about it?" 

She shook her head against his chest, and even as she did it words were spilling from her mouth, "He said I was lying to everyone. To him, to you, and to me. J-Jamal thinks…" Alison laughed nervously. "He thinks I'm in love with you." 

Ok, so it was probably not a good thing that his heart soared at the idea. "Well," Rafe whispered. "We both know that isn't true. So eventually Jamal will get over the idea. Because you… You having feelings like _that_ for me is just… It's laughable." 

Alison pulled back then. "R-Right," she agreed almost reluctantly. "I mean, you're an angel." An incredibly sweet, charming, caring, good looking, great kissing angel, but an angel none the less. 

"Exactly! That's… yeah…" 

She laughed again softly. "Guess what?" 

"What?" 

Her arms were wrapped tightly around her knees once more, so she simply tilted her head to the stain at her right. "After you went through all the trouble of catching it, I still managed to drop that jar of syrup." 

He laughed softly as well. "Between the two of us, you may never get those muffins done." 

"My thoughts exactly." Alison caught her bottom lip between her teeth, biting down for just a second before turning her attention back to him. "You wouldn't be interested in decorating with me, or you know, maybe helping me make cookies would you? Cause I have like this really good idea for a gingerbread house, and you might even think it was fun or… something." 

He paused for a beat while he worked up the courage to force himself to speak his next words. "Are you sure you wouldn't rather go find Jamal and… talk about it." 

"I'm tired of talking to Jamal," she sighed. "It's always the same thing, you know? And I'm just really tired of it. He thinks I'm capable of cheating on him, and he's the one that slept with Valerie." She shrugged her shoulders. "I'm tired of fighting, or talking and him not listening. He doesn't listen to me at all. I think sometimes I'm talking to a wall instead of the man I live with, you know? Like you're talking to a picture trying to get up the courage to say something to that person but it never works out the same way." 

"Jamal loves you." 

"Stop it. Please? You probably don't want to talk about my relationship with Jamal anymore than I do. If he doesn't trust me, then what's the point?" 

"Maybe it would help if I stayed away-" 

"Don't you dare!" She glared at him from across the short space, panic clamped down on her heart with a cold fist. "Don't stay away from me just because Jamal is jealous and sudden decided that it's not worth it to trust me." Alison lowered her eyes when a thought hit her. "Oh… You know, unless of course, you like, have other things to do. And I'm sure you do! You… You probably have like a ton of better things to do than spend time with me holding my hand and just-" 

"Alison, nothing is better than spending time with you." 

His confession was soft, barely reaching her ears. But when the words hit her she closed her mouth, cutting off the flow of words as her eyes darted back to him. "I can help you." 

"I know you can." Rafe stood, throwing the dirty rag into the trash along with everything else. "Tell you what, I'll stay here and watch you make a gingerbread house. I can promise that you don't want me to try and help. I'll only end up making things more work. But you have to help me figure something out for Kevin and Lucy." He held his hands out for her to take. "Deal?" 

"Deal," she said, nodding. Placing both of her hands in his she stood with his assistance. "But do you think that maybe you'll let me in on the secret of the mystery woman Kevin has?" 

"Sure," Rafe shrugged. "But _after_ we go to see Lucy." 

"Oh, fine, fine… I see how you play! You like to tease me, you know." 

"Of course I know." He smiled at her brightly. His thumbs running over the back of her hands. "It's almost as fun as making you smile." 

"I'm so glad that I can amuse you," Alison laughed. "You're pretty sneaky for an angel." 

"As an angel I have to be sneaky. I can't exactly just stand up and scream at them to get back together and realize the wonderful gift they have. The ability to look at someone and tell them that you love them, that's a gift, Alison, and most people take it for granted. Love is one of the most precious things in the world." 

She swallowed hard and tore her eyes away from his before she lost herself in them completely. "You're right. It is something most people take for granted. I'll, you know, try to stop that." Her eyes darted wildly around before finally settling on their still attached hands. How long had she been holding his hands? She released him quickly and took a step back, clearing her throat as she turned away from him. She could feel the blush forming on her cheeks. "So… So um, what's your favorite kind of cookie? We can make those! It'll be fun! We can do lots of things, I love baking Christmas cookies. I think most people love baking for Christmas. Do they?" She turned to face him again but only to walk past him. "Let's get started!" 

The nervousness was back. Rafe sighed. When was he going to learn to rope himself in? Way to go, he told himself silently, why not just blurt 'I love you, Alison' next time. You'll probably get the same effect. "Chocolate chip." 

"Ok, we'll make chocolate chip. I like chocolate chip! With extra chocolate!" She practically bounced from one side of the room to the other gathering things to start quickly. "It'll be fun." 

He had no doubt. 


	7. Chapter 7

  
**Part I: Chapter 7**   


Her mouth was set in concentration, as she measured out the chocolate chips. After she had decided they were perfect she poured them into the bowl filled with batter in front of him, then threw in another half of a cup just for good measure. "Stir," she ordered playfully, turning on her heel to check the oven. "How about sugar cookies next. Do you like those?" 

"Doesn't everyone?" he replied smoothly. Picking up the spoon with great trepidation. "Alison?" 

She was laughing before she even turned back around. "Rafe, honey, it's easy. You just mix the chips _in_ the batter. Fold it, don't stir." 

"But you told me to stir." 

"Well folding and stirring are pretty much the same thing," she laughed. 

"Now who is the amusing one," he grumbled. Staring down at the bowl as if it was going to snap and bite him at any moment. Twice already he'd been told the difference between mixing, stirring, and folding, but some people just weren't meant to do any of the three very well at all. "You know, I thought the deal was _you_ bake, _I_ watch." 

"I'm sure that helping was involved somewhere in the deal. All you have to do is fold in the chocolate chips, it's not hard." 

"That's what you think," he muttered. "Alison, have I mentioned that I am really, _really_ bad at this entire cooking thing? It doesn't work. Not at all. I assure you, I can mess this up more than you could have ever imagined." 

"Want me to show you?" 

His look said it all. "You're enjoying this." 

She bit down on her bottom lip, trying to stifle a laugh as she shook her head to tell him no. "No! No…" Alison gave into her laughter when she saw his face. "I like to bake," she managed to say. "So yes, I am enjoying it." 

He stared at her dully, fighting a smile of his own. "You know, I don't know why, but I'm not completely sure that's your reasoning." 

"I'm sorry." 

"No you aren't!" 

Laughing, she nodded in agreement. "You're right. I'm not." 

A chocolate chip went flying over her head. "As beautiful as you are when you laugh, mind not directing it _at_ me? Thanks." 

"Don't pout! I'll help you." 

"I'm not pouting," he replied, quickly pulling in his bottom lip slightly. "I don't pout. I think that's a rule. Angels don't pout." 

She ducked under his arm, stepping in front of him and leaving them a lot closer together than either thought was a good idea. Neither moved. She placed her hand over his on the spoon and held the bowl, folding the batter with his help. "Are you paying attention." 

"Yeah." Ok, so his attention may have been on the fact that she was once again in his arms without a whisper of space between them, but she didn't need to know that. 

"Rafe. The stirring." 

"Oh, right." He sighed and took over when she removed her hand from his but stayed in place. "Like this?" 

"Like that! Very good. See? You're learning." 

"Whoopee!" 

She turned and cocked an eyebrow. "I wasn't aware that angels could be smart asses." 

"You learn something new every day don't you?" he responded, leaning his head down ever so slightly. Her head tilted back, her mouth slightly open. Yup, they were entirely too close. Rafe released the spoon and took a step back. "So, do I fail Cooking 101?" 

Alison blinked, then shook her head. "Not yet. So far you've mastered the art of folding in chocolate chips. That's good." 

"If you say so." 

She laughed again lightly, slipping to the other side of the counter to grab her cookie sheet. "Now, the fun part." 

"There's a fun part here?" 

That remark was properly ignored. "Watch closely." Taking out a spoonful of batter she dropped it on the cookie sheet, pushing it off the spoon with her index finger. Her finger was then placed in her mouth where she licked off the batter. "It's always better before you cook it," she informed him. 

"It also has raw eggs in it," Rafe replied. 

"Sometimes you just have to live dangerously." 

He gave into the smile. "Cute." 

"I know." She put another spoonful on the pan, then another before she realized he was showing no signs of helping. "Rafe, you have to try it. It's a rule. You can't make cookies without trying to batter." 

His eyes narrowed in suspicion. "I don't remember reading _that_ rule." 

Alison met his eyes then blinked. "Come on, try it…" 

She was taunting him. That much was made very, very clear. Or maybe, just maybe she knew that he couldn't say no to her. "I'll pass, thanks." 

She continued placing the cookies on the sheet. "You sure? Cause it's really good. I bet you'd like it." 

He took a seat on one of the stools at the counter. "I'm sure. I don't want to try it. I won't like it." 

"But you can't be really, really sure about that 'til you do try it." Alison licked her finger clean, wiping it on the dishtowel nearby before holding the spoon up and motioning him closer. 

He leaned forward only slightly. Apparently he had no control whatsoever over his actions when she was around. "I don't want to try it." 

Alison put her hand under his chin, pulling him closer. "Open." 

He had no choice but to comply. Well, he could have argued, but acting like a five year old probably would have just encouraged her. The spoon was placed in his mouth, and he took a bite hesitantly. Chewing slowly, he finally nodded. "Alright, it's not bad." 

His words snapped her out of her trace, her eyes moved away from his lips, and only then did she release him. "I told you so." 

"Yes you did." Rafe tilted his head, smiling at her. "Maybe I should listen to you more often." 

She broke the eye contact to turn around and put the pan into the oven and busied herself with setting the timer. "Well, you know, there's an idea." She shook her head, as she went to stand in front of him again, taking the spoon from where she had placed it in the almost empty bowl she took another bite before putting both in the sink and running water into them. "Sugar cookies next?" 

"You're the cook." He shrugged. "Whatever you want, Alison." 

"You know, I could get used to that kind of an attitude." She bit her bottom lip again. "We could make sugar cookies, or fudge, or the gingerbread cookies, or really just about anything you want, I'm pretty much stocked as far as baking goods go. Plus I have tons of candies to decorate things, it should be fun! I bet even you could put the eyes on a gingerbread man." 

"You're too funny," he mumbled, once again fighting the urge to smile. He eyed her suspiciously. "Let's do sugar cookies. Those can't be too difficult, right?" 

"No, they're pretty simple." She pulled out another bowl and placed it in front of him. Gathering almost everything she would need fairly quickly she dumped them into the mixing bowl as she went along. Dry things first, then the liquids. Finally she handed him the mixer. "Think you can handle this?" 

"Uh…" He didn't have a choice. She shoved it in his hand, then into the bowl. "Alison…" 

"Just make sure that you mix it up really well." She handing him another spoon just in case. "Scrape the sides, make sure there aren't any clumps. Those are the only rules." Alison turned on the mixer, not letting go of it until she was sure he had it down. "Like that. I'll tell you went to stop." 

"Ok, this is pretty easy." 

"I told you, you can do it!" She smiled brightly before opening another cabinet. "What color? Red, green, blue, yellow or another color that you only get by mixing them? Or we could leave them that color then just put different sprinkles on top. OH! Or we can just color the sugar and put that on top! What do you think?" 

"Leave them like this then put red and green sprinkles on the top?" 

She nodded, pretending that it wasn't every bit as much of a question as an answer. "Alright. Then they'll be more Christmas-y!" She sat the food coloring on the counter with the other candies then opened another cabinet to get her rolling pin. Sitting it on the counter as well, she took a peek in the bowl and flipped off the mixer. "See, Rafe? You're doing very good!" 

"If you say so…" He watched as she sprinkled flour on a sheet of wax paper then pulled out a section of dough. 

Alison tipped her head to the side. "You get to pick out the cookie cutter. They're in the second drawer right over here." 

Finally he moved around the counter to stand behind her. His hand landed on the second knob. "This one?" 

"Uh huh." She rolled the pin over the dough, flattening it until it was just the right height for her. "I think there is a Christmas tree in there if you want to do that, or just a round one… You know what, would you just get them all out please? I'll need more later, and we can always use different ones." 

He pulled out the bag of odd shaped cookie cutters and sat them down beside her on the counter. "Now what?" 

"Now pick at least one." 

"I don't wanna. You pick. I'm easy to please." 

She couldn't help but giggle. "I know you are, but you still have to pick one. My hands are covered in flour." She held up her hands as proof. 

He opened the Ziploc bag to get a better look. "You really do like to bake don't you?" 

"Yeah, it's a lot of fun. Plus, it's actually kind of relaxing sometimes, you know? Like therapy or something. It's just better when you can play in the dough and create something with all that extra energy, especially when I'm upset about something. It's just good for the soul I guess." Alison shifted uncomfortably when she realized he was watching her, taking in every word she spoke. "Kind of strange, huh?" she asked nervously, reaching up to push her hair from her face when he caught her wrist in his hand. 

Rafe push her hair back for her. "Flour," he stated in response to the confused look she was giving him. He sat her hand back down and cleared his throat. "You have… everything." He pulled out a circle, spinning it on his finger. "This one?" 

"Ok," she smiled, snatching his wrist. 

"Hey, hey, hey!" He started to pull back then gave in. "I should have known that was coming." 

"You can't make cookies without getting a little dirty," Alison said with a smile. She turned the cookie cutter in his hand so that he was holding it correctly, then covered it with hers as they both pushed it into the dough. "See how it's done?" 

"Isn't this like, your job or something?" 

She smiled brighter when she looked over at him. Alison placed the circle on the pan to her right. "You said you'd help." 

"No, _you_ said you'd help. I said I'd watch you." 

"Well," she sighed, putting the cookie cutter to the dough again, this time he put his hand over hers. "I'm sure that watching me make cookies would have to be like majorly boring or something. This way you get in on the fun, you know?" 

"Trust me, watching you do anything is just as fun." 

She frozen in the middle of cutting out a third cookie to look over at him. Why did she feel like she could just sink to the floor under those eyes? Did he realize that just the way he looked at her was making her weak in the knees? 

Rafe smiled shyly, realizing what he'd just said, and backed up a step. "Not that I spend like an obscene amount of time watching you or anything like that." 

Alison nodded. "Right. Of course not. I-I knew that." But a girl could hope. She shrugged, turning her attention back to cutting out circles in the dough. "You're not like a stalker or anything Rafe, you're not nearly creepy enough for that. We're friends. We hang out. We help each other. That's all." 

"Right," he said, nodding in agreement. "Now you just have to convince your boyfriend of that." 

Turning around quickly, Alison glared at him. "I do _not_ want to talk about Jamal!" 

"Ok! Ok!" He held his hands up in surrender. "We won't talk about… you know who. Not tonight anyway." 

She pouted. "I guess that's all I can hope for." Alison turned around, once more cutting out circles and placing them on the baking sheet. "I don't get why you can't just let it drop, you know? I don't want to talk about Jamal. I don't even want to _think_ about Jamal, and the easiest way to do that is with you here," she muttered under her breath. "But then you have to go and ruin that by being all… angelic and trying to do the right thing by pushing me toward him. You don't consider that he's acting like a four year old who didn't get what he wanted at the candy store but someone else did. I mean, heaven forbid he actually remember that I used to be his friend… Of course maybe he does remember and that's his problem. He actually thinks that I would cheat on him! With you of all people! An angel! Who would never, ever, ever be interested in me that way. He's like so majorly insecure!" 

"Alison?" 

"What!" 

"You… um… You're timer just went off." 

"Alright." She placed the final cookie on the pan and washed her hands. Alison smiled when she opened the oven to look at the cookies. "Perfect," she mumbled under her breath, grabbing a pot holder to pull out the pan and sit the cookies on a cooling rack. The other pan was placed in the oven and the timer once again set. "Why are you looking at me like that?" 

"Like what?" he asked, trying to appear as if he had no idea what she was talking about while changing the look on his face at the same time. It wasn't an easy task. 

"You're looking at me like I'm going to jump you or something." 

Well now that was something he certainly wouldn't mind. "No," Rafe said, probably more to himself than to her. "I'm not looking at you like that." 

Alison walked toward him cautiously. "You're looking at me funny! Stop it!" 

The back of his hand brushed her cheek. "No." He smirked. 

"You…" She put her hand to her cheek and pulled it away with flour on her finger tips. "You did that on purpose!" 

"Yes," Rafe admitted. "But you started it." 

"I did not!" 

"You grabbed me and got flour on me!" 

"You have to get flour on you to make sugar cookie," she tried to say with a straight face, only to end up giggling. Reaching behind her she grabbed a handful of flour and threw it in his direction. "There. Now you look like you can make cookies." 

He looked down at his shirt that was now sprinkled in white. "Now you asked for it." 

"Did not," she said quickly, trying to move away before he had a chance to get her back. 

Rafe caught her around the waist easily and pulled her against his chest with one arm and somehow managed to grab a scoop of flour. She squealed when he dumped it on her, somehow managing to break away while he was laughing at her. 

Alison was laughing as well. "You are sooo gonna regret that…" 

"You…" he tried to speak while laughing. "You look… so… so.. threatening like that…" 

A handful of chocolate chips were hurled in his direction. She searched the counter while keeping an eye on him. "How in the world did you end up an angel?" she chuckled. Finally finding a better weapon. She held up the bowl with the cookie dough in it. "You asked for it…" 

Rafe narrowed his eyes. "You wouldn't dare." 

"Oh?" She grinned triumphantly. "I wouldn't?" 

"No. You wouldn't." He took a step forward and it was matched by her taking one back. 

"Yes I would." Another step forward, another step back. 

"Not a chance…" Two more steps forward. 

And one step back. The counter hit her back. Trapped. "Don't come any closer!" she threatened. 

He did. And in one quick motion the bowl was out of her hands and a carton of milk was being poured on the top of her head. 

She laughed loudly, trying to get away only to find he had her effectively blocked. "Ok! Ok! I surrender! You win this time!" 

"That's what I thought!" Rafe put the milk back down, unable to keep from laughing again at the site of her. "You're just beautiful, Alison." 

Huffing playfully, she pushed a clump of wet hair out of her face. "You're so mean to me," she laughed, leaning forward and finding her head on his shoulder. "I can't believe you did that!" 

"Payback's a bitch." 

That only made her laugh harder. Alison clutched her stomach painfully when she stood up straight again, brushing tears of laughter away from her eyes. "I lo- love spending time with you." 

His still flour covered finger touched down on the tip of her nose. "Same here." He pushed her hair from her face, and reached behind her to grab the dishtowel. Wiping the flour smudge off her cheek, he couldn't help but chuckle again. "It was nice to hear you laugh like that." 

"I can't remember the last time I laughed like that," she replied honestly, lifting her chin slightly. "Thank you." 

"For dumping flour and milk on you?" 

"No, no you're gonna get it for that later-" 

"Oh… I'll have to remember to watch my back." 

"Thanks for like, you know, being my friend and everything. I needed to laugh." 

He bent down slightly. "It was my pleasure. I meant it when I said you have a beautiful smile." 

"I know," she whispered. "You don't say things you don't mean." Without thought, her hand captured his wrist as he started to pull his hand from her face. 

It was an eerily familiar scene, with one huge difference. This time, she pressed her lips to his. 


	8. Chapter 8

  
**Part I: Chapter 8**   


He knew better than to give in. Even in the thick haze of surprise and delight, he knew that kissing her would only complicate things further. He knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that tasting her lips was going to get them both in more trouble than they could ever hope to dig their way out of. 

But he didn't care. 

Instead of stepping back, pulling away and breaking the kiss like he knew he should, he took a tiny step closer and pressed his lips more firmly against hers, allowing himself to be lost in the moment, in her. It was amazingly easy to just lose himself in her. And it all felt unimaginably right. 

His lips brushed hers gently, carefully, in a way that only served to make her weaker for him. It was almost as if he was afraid of hurting her, pushing her, scaring her, or… something… His tenderness with her once again amazed her. Pulled her closer to the ledge she was standing on, and the longer this went on, the closer she got to falling. But she couldn't stop it, and she didn't want to. 

Rafe tried to pull away, he honestly did, but he couldn't seem to separate himself from her. Breaking one kiss he'd lean down and kiss her again, and again. Gently brushing his lips over hers while trying with everything he was to stop. Again and again, simple little kisses that refused to end. Again and again, then finally he managed to take a step back, then another, until he was standing opposite her with his back pressed into the counter as well. 

"I am so…" So what, she thought, halting the words that were coming from her swollen lips. She wasn't sorry. She wasn't sorry at all. She wanted to kiss him, so she did, and he obviously wanted to kiss her. And she wanted to kiss him again. Alison pressed her fingertips to her lips, bending her head down to hide a smile. She was in way over her head. 

"Yeah," he managed to say. "Yeah… I mean… you know, me too." 

"Right." Him too what? She was _not_ apologizing. "I… I um… I probably shouldn't have done that…" Raising her head, Alison wet her lips. "B-But… you know, I'm not…" 

"Don't, Alison," he interrupted in almost a whisper. "Just don't, ok? You… I mean, I know that you… You love Jamal… And that didn't mean… It didn't mean anything at all. So… Let's just forget about it, ok?" Forget about it? Who was he kidding? The last thing in the world he was going to be able to do was forget about it. 

"Y-Yeah… I agree… I mean, you're right, I love Jamal. But…" 

"No buts. You love Jamal, and all his talk about you _ever_ loving me is just silly. Ok? No hard feelings?" Nope. No hard feelings at all. Just one breaking heart. 

No, two breaking hearts. But why? She hadn't even broken up with Jamal, why was she hurt that Rafe was just ready to forget all about the fact that she kissed him? "No," Alison whispered. "No hard feelings." She turned quickly when she felt tears start to prick the back of her eyelids and peeked in the oven to find the cookies done. Taking them out she sighed and grabbed a few of the chocolate chip. "We don't have the other's ready." 

"I'm sorry." 

She shrugged. "Don't apologize, Rafe. It's like, my fault, you know." Alison handed him a cookie and walked over toward the sofa. "I'm just crazy like that, I guess. I love Jamal, and I'm kissing another guy. And I'm falling for another guy. No big deal." 

"What?" 

Her eyes were wide when she spun around. "What?" 

"W-What did you just say?" Rafe asked. "I couldn't hear you, you were kind of mumbling." 

"Oh… Nothing," she lied, plastering on a smile. "I was just talking to myself, bad habit, I guess." 

The falseness and nervousness was clear in her voice. "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable." 

"You didn't. I kissed you remember?" 

He closed his eyes. Yeah, he remembered all right. "That doesn't matter, Alison. You're… Do you want me to go? Because I can…" 

"Rafe, it's fine. We… We're cool. We're friends." Once again she continued on her way to the couch. "Friends that just happen to end up locking lips everytime we get to close to each other," she made sure to whisper the words under her breath, knowing he couldn't hear her that time. "So anyway," she said louder, breaking the cookie in her hand and taking a bite. 

Rafe sat beside her cautiously. "Anyway, any ideas how to get Lucy to trust Kevin?" 

"Short of telling her the truth? That's going to take a little more thought." 

He chuckled lightly, wiping away a drop of chocolate from her bottom lip with his thumb before he realized what he was doing. "Women are too confusing." 

She laughed with him. "At least you're man enough to admit it." Her eyes sparkled, in the light as she continued to smile. "So Kevin's mystery woman is a good thing and he's not cheating on her?" 

"It's a very good thing, well, good for Lucy I suppose. He's not cheating on her, he wouldn't dream of it." 

"Well, yeah, but is he paying attention to Lucy at all? I mean, he's busy with his mystery woman, who she thinks he's sleeping with, and she's all alone? Does… Are they even really together anymore?" 

"I don't know," he admitted. "They are, then they aren't. I managed to make Lucy think Kevin wants to marry her, but Kevin… He's doing the right thing, his mystery woman is going to make Lucy endlessly happy, you know? But he… He keeps letting his hurt pride get in the way of the love he has for her." 

"He's still hurt because she slept with Ian." 

"Yes! Which I guess is understandable, but sometimes, you just have to forgive and forget." 

"I forgave Jamal," she huffed defensively. "I still trust him, even with the woman he cheated on me with living here, and he repays me by saying I'm in love with you and not having enough faith in me to know that I wouldn't sleep with anyone else while we were still dating." 

"He's still hurt and confused. It's not everyday he walks in to find you locking lips with another guy." 

"I thought we agreed not to talk about me and Jamal!" 

Rafe raised his eyebrows. "Right. I'm sorry I brought it up." 

"Oh shut up," she laughed, throwing a pillow in his direction. "So anyway, why don't you let me talk to Lucy?" 

"Well, I won't stop you if you want to… But why?" 

"It's a girl thing! We'll chat. I'll handle Lucy. You just convince Kevin to send her flowers or a note that says he's thinking about her or something." Alison watched him for a minute. "Never mind. You'd cheat." 

"I would not!" 

"You would so! You'd send the flowers or the note with Kevin's handwriting!" 

"Well now that you mention it, it might work out…" 

Alison laughed. "I'll deal with Kevin." 

"And what am _I_ going to do?" 

"Come with me? Or, you know, I have a shift tomorrow afternoon, and Kevin will probably come in, he always seems to, I can just talk to him then?" 

"Whatever you want, Alison," Rafe answered with a smile. "You're going to drop by and see your grandmother though, right?" 

"Yeah, I think I'll go by in the morning. You're right, I do miss her. A lot sometimes. I never… My parents were never around much, she's kind of the only family that I really knew, you know? And it was really hard to lose her. I want to try and get back a little of what we had." 

"Then go for it." Laughing, he patted the top of her head. "I should get going. I need to drop by and see Lucy sometime tonight, she's thinking of leaving town and I've got to talk her out of it." 

"You know she thinking about leaving town?" 

"She told me." 

"Oh! Ok. I was wondering if you could like read minds or something like that. That might be a little too freaky…" 

He had to laugh. "Nope, I'm not a mind reader. But with Lucy it's pretty easy to see what she's thinking." 

"Yeah, that's like really true." She attempted to run a hand through her hair to find it caked. "I need a shower." 

"I'm sorry," Rafe tried to say with a straight face, only to fail miserably. 

"Well you should be!" she huffed, smiling with him. "I need to go see Livvie too and try to straighten everything out with her, cover my tracks so that she doesn't start thinking that you're-" 

"Livvie knows, Alison. I tried to tell you earlier but I kept getting side tracked. You don't need to worry about it." 

"Oh… Livvie… She knows? I- I thought I was the only one that knew." 

"Caleb told her. I'd sort of forgotten until you mentioned it, though." 

"Oh, so you… She didn't find out from you?" 

"No. Why?" 

Because it made her feel more special when she was the only one that knew and he was _her_ angel. "No reason, I'm just curious." 

"Ok." Rafe stood up. Taking her hand in his and squeezing it. "I've got to get going before Lucy hops on a plane. I'll see you tomorrow?" 

"Yeah, of course! If… if we don't run into each other sooner, I've got the lunch shift." 

"Alright." He grabbed his coat and slipped it on. "Then I guess I'll see you later." 

Alison stood as well. "Yeah. I'll see you tomorrow for sure. If you don't come in I'll have to hunt you down and tell you how my talk with Kevin went." 

"Yeah, you do that." He shrugged. "You pretty much know where to find me." 

She placed a kiss on his cheek. "Yeah, I know where to find you, and if not you know where to find me." 

"Right… I hope that all comes out of your hair." He opened the door, smiling when he turned back around to see her still standing there. "Try not to get into to much trouble." 

"I'll be good," she promised to the shutting door. Falling back down on the sofa Alison covered her face and groaned. "What kind of an idiot am I? Come on, Alison, keep your lips off of Rafe!" She pulled her hands away and opened her eyes, hugging a pillow to her chest. "Don't fall for him, Alison… Don't do it. Falling in love with Rafe will only end up getting you hurt. So just… stop it." She nodded. "Yeah. I can do that. I can just… stop. It'll be easy." Standing up, her confidence disappeared as quickly as it came. "Yeah right. It'll be as easy and telling the moon not to rise. What kind of an idiot an I?" 


	9. Chapter 9

  
**Part I: Chapter 9**   


He knocked on the door again, his inpatients growing because he _knew_ she was in there. Hiding out no doubt. "Lucy!" he called through the door. "Come on, I need to talk to you! Would you just open the-" 

In a flash she was standing in front of him, hugging her waist. "What? What, what, what? This better not be about Doc. I can't handle another lecture about Doc and what a great guy he is and all that happy, positive thinking stuff." 

"Door," Rafe finished. Shrugging his shoulders, he sighed. "What happened with you and Doc now?" 

"Nothing! Nothing happened! Nothing at all, whatsoever, nothing. Get it?" 

"Got it." 

"Great!" Lucy opened the door wider and took a step back. "Come on, come on, get in. It's freezing out there." 

"Yeah, my first guess would have been the snow." Walking inside Rafe looked around frantically from one suitcase to another. "Lucy, you can't go! You can't leave! You have to stay!" 

"Why? What is there for me here? Huh? Doc has his other woman, Serena is with Scott almost all the time now, I hardly get to see her at all. Nothing is working out, and you know what, I don't want to have a Christmas party-slash-would be wedding!" She turned quickly, zipping up a suitcase. "It's impossible! Doc is… ohh.. you know what? I don't care what Doc is. Not anymore. He can just go and have the time of his life, _without _me! But you know what, you know what, he's not going to have the time of his life because he'll be _miserable_ without me! This entire town will be miserable without me!" 

"Lucy, come on, please, don't leave! Not now anyway? Please? Just… just wait until after Christmas. Then we can skip out of town together, you know? But you can't leave now. You… you can't!" 

"But Doc is-" 

"I don't care what Doc is! I don't care where Doc is, and I don't care what he's doing. Lucy please, I need you now! You can't just skip out on me like this!" 

"My soul mate is spending time with some other woman, Rafe! I can't have that!" A beat. "What's that on your shirt?" 

He glanced down at his shirt. "Flour. Don't ask. It's a really long story." Rafe sat down on the sofa without invitation next to a still open suitcase that appeared to be half filled. "If you can't have it, Lucy, then _fight_ for him! Besides, you don't know the whole story! For all you know, your soul mate maybe spending time with this woman to do something for you! Or… or she _could_ be a patient. Some people get really bad around the holidays, you know? So then maybe she's just really depressed or something." 

"There is only one kind of house call Doc has ever made, and it didn't include a lot of working!" 

"Lucy," he whined. "Please, please, please, please don't go! Stay! For Serena, she'll want to sneak in a few minutes with you around Christmas I know, and, and, you never know what else could popup, Lucy!" 

She stood with her hands on her hips, glaring down at him. "And just what has gotten into you, Mr. Jolly-All-The-Time! What are you doing here anyway? If you don't want to talk about Doc, what did you want to talk about?" Lucy started pacing while she talked, needing movement somehow. 

What to talk about… Think, Rafe, think… "I kissed Alison again." Ok, not the reason he came here, but talking about it might actually do some sort of good. 

"You kissed, Alison? _Alison?_" Lucy paused for a second then crossed to him quickly. "As in Amanda Barrington's granddaughter, the waitress at the Recovery Room, who has a boyfriend Alison?" 

"Yeah…" he laughed nervously. "That's the one." 

Her eyes widened. "What do you mean again?" 

"Um… How many meanings are there for 'again' cause… I'm really only clear on one of them…" 

"Again, as in this isn't the first time?" 

He shifted nervously, biting down on his lip and looking away. "Actually it's the third." 

"You kissed Alison Barrington, who has a boyfriend, three times, and you are just _now_ mentioning it to me?!" 

"Hey! Hey! I tried to mention it before cause I like really needed to talk to someone about it, because I thought I had totally screwed everything up last time, you know, cause Jamal sort of walked in. But you were going on and on about Kevin cheating on you, which he wouldn't do-" 

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, you just back it up there little mister! We're not talking about Doc anymore! We're talking about you smooching on some other guy's girlfriend!" 

Rafe sighed unhappily. Why, oh why did he bring this up? "It's not like I planned it! She's my friend, you know? And she's a really beautiful girl, and I… I love spending time with her, or just being around her. I _know _that she loves Jamal! I know that she does! But… I couldn't help it. It's like she's got this… pull on me or something, and even though I know, I _know_ it's a bad idea, I just can't stop myself." 

"Well you better learn how, buddy! Do relationships mean nothing to men?" She paused for a second. "Don't answer that. Just don't. She has a boyfriend! You may not like it, Rafe, but you kind of have to accept that. You can't kiss her while she's dating someone else." 

"She kissed me." 

Lucy sat beside him. "What do you mean _she_ kissed _you_?" 

"She kissed me. I… She sort of talked me into helping her make cookies. I'm still not sure how I got sucked into that one… And it just… happened, you know? She kissed me! I knew that… That I should have just… But I couldn't. It's like I can't say no to her, I don't _want_ to say no to her." 

"Rafe…" 

"Alison is just this really amazing woman, you know? And I love spending time with her. She's beautiful and caring, she's got such a big heart, and… These eyes that can just suck me in and get me to do anything, you know? She's… She's a great friend, she… understands me. It's just… I don't know what to do around her sometimes, because it's like I can't control myself. I just… I knew not to kiss her, and I knew not to kiss her back, but I couldn't help it. I just… She's amazing." 

"Rafe, she has a boyfriend." 

"Jamal is a jerk. He treats her like a piece of property, he was talking about her being _his_ like he owned her or something. He's jealous of the fact that she spends time with me, and I guess he has a right to be considering the fact that he did walk in on us kissing once, but still… She feels so left out, and alone, and all I want to do is let her know someone cares. Jamal… he slept with his ex-girlfriend, and accuses her of cheating on him every time she turns around, but if he knew anything about her at all, he'd know that she would never, ever do that to him. Alison isn't like that at all. And she's just upset, and heartbroken over how he's been acting. He blows her off or blows up at her, you know? His ex is even living with them now, she's just always feeling shut out and…" 

"And you don't shut her out." 

"I've tried?" he offered. "I tried blowing her off, I tried avoiding her, I tried just flat out telling her it wasn't a good idea for us to spend time with each other, because I know that she loves Jamal, and if he makes her happy…" 

"But he doesn't make her happy." 

Rafe couldn't help the smile that formed, leaning forward, he put his elbows on his thighs, his hands were laced together between his knees, and when he turned back to her his expression had faded into the shadow of a smile. "She says I do. And I… I love being able to make her smile or laugh or just forget about everything that's bad in her life, you know?" 

"I… I think I'm like Jamal. I screwed up, and I know that I did, and I hurt Kevin, so now he can't forgive me…" 

"Alison forgave Jamal! That's the whole thing! She just forgave him for sleeping with his ex, who, by the way, she can't stand." Rafe looked back at his hands. "Kevin forgave you too, Lucy. Sometimes you just have to forgive another person's mistakes so that _you_ can be happy." 

"Then why is Alison spending time with you and Kevin spending time with his new 'patient'?" 

"Lucy, you don't know anything about what's going on with Kevin and that woman. It… It's not the same thing. Or you know, maybe it is! Alison spends time with me because… we're friends, and it's never going to go beyond that, I know it isn't. She just likes to get away from it all sometimes, you know? And she seems to think that I make it all go away for a while." Rafe shrugged his shoulders. "Alison… I know that Jamal makes her happy, and I know that she loves Jamal, and maybe she knows that I'm always going to try and push her back toward him, because seeing her smile is completely worth it." 

"You know what I think?" 

"That I'm hopeless?" he sighed. "Why can't Jamal just _trust_ her? I… I'm not making moves, I'm not trying to take his place, I'm not trying to be anything more than a friend to her, because I care about her. But he can't see it that way. He's lost his faith in her, and he doesn't trust her anymore. Even after all the times he's given her reasons not to trust him, she still does." Rafe lifted his eyes to lock them with hers, hoping to get his double meaning across. "She still has faith in him, and all she wants… All she needs is someone to still have faith in her." 

Lucy nodded. "I need to have faith in Doc again don't I?" 

"He still has faith in you." 

Sighing, Lucy put her chin in her hand. "You have faith in Alison." 

"Yeah," he replied, shrugging again. "I have a lot of faith in her. And I know… I know that she'd never cheat on Jamal, I know that she loves him, and I know that she wants to have a perfect and happy life with him. But he makes it hard, so she comes to me, because it's easy, you know? I don't…demand that she be anything or feel any way but how she's feeling, and she likes that, she needs that." 

"Everyone needs someone they can just be themselves around." 

"Exactly! And for Alison, right now, that person is me. And… for me it's her. So we spend a lot of time together. It's not like anything will ever happen." He stood, a sudden urge to move had him pacing the same path Lucy had followed earlier. "I want her to be happy, and I don't know how to make that happen. I don't know how to get Jamal to see that nothing is going on between us but a friendship…" 

"And the fact that you have kissed each other more than once." 

"But it's not _like_ that! She's not like that. Alison was just.. confused. You know? Jamal accused her of being in love with me, and she's just really hurt that he would think that about her. She… Alison loves him, she loves him, and he makes her happy when he isn't acting like an idiot." 

Lucy smiled slyly. "I thought you said she told you that _you_ make her happy." 

She did say that didn't she? "Lately," he shrugged. "I'm not acting like a possessive fool. Just a regular fool." 

"Yeah," Lucy muttered. "You dear cousin, are acting like a fool in love." 

Rafe chuckled, and sat down beside her. "I… I'm not…" 

"Don't even bother to deny it. I know these things." 

He laughed, bitterly, and put his head in his hands. "I'm not that obvious am I?" 

"Oh yeah… You are very obviously in love. I've noticed it. Jamal has probably noticed it, and before too long, Alison is going to start to notice it." 

"That can't happen, Lucy," Rafe whispered. "She… Alison can't know how I feel about her. She can't know that I'm in love with her." 

Her heart broke when his voice did. 


	10. Chapter 10

  
**This is what some writers would call a 'filler' chapter. Beware. ;) Just a quick note to let any of those that may be wondering know. _I_ did not swipe any lines that have 'my angel' in them for Port Charles. I started that, all on my own, very much before it was started on PC. Thank you. **

Part I: Chapter 10   


_"Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh…"_

Snow was falling outside. Thick, heavy flakes that clung to anything and everything. Blanketing Port Charles, hiding the bumps and bruises - smoothing the city out into a winter wonderland. Streetlamps and Christmas lights reflected off the white, giving everything a slightly magical glow. The stars were bright in the sky, twinkling, waving, and winking at her as if they shared a secret. The moon was nearly full, giving light to the land. Every look outside the window made her want to reach for her coat and snow boots. 

It was going to be a very, very long night. 

It was eight o'clock. She'd already showered, finally managing after three washings to get everything out of her hair. The cookies were cooling, the tree was nearly completed, and the gingerbread house was waiting to be decorated. Three dozen tiny little gingerbread men lay before her, getting even more 'final touches' while she sipped on cooling hot chocolate. 

_"Making spirits bright, oh what fun it is…"_

Her eyes darted to the radio, shooting it a threatening look from across the room. Despite her best efforts, the Christmas spirit had left almost immediately after her angel had. Her good mood had vanished with one quick thought, and it still sent chills down her spine. Jamal had yet to return. 

And she was more upset by the fact that she wasn't upset. 

In all their fights before, very rarely had he walked out on her. And in those rare times, he'd simply ranted to Jack until the other man sent him home a few hours later. By her last count it had been exactly five hours. And he still hadn't bothered to show up. If nothing else, she should have been sitting by the phone, impatiently waiting for it to ring and him be on the other end. Instead, she was sitting here, fighting dread at the thought of the phone ringing with him on the other end of the line. 

Worse yet, she hadn't noticed until Rafe left. And then the thought had been she was glad he wasn't back. "Shut up, Alison," she ordered herself. "You're not glad Jamal isn't here. You just think you are. If you were glad you wouldn't be feeling like this." Her attention was pulled from the window to the cookies in front of her that were quickly pushed aside with a sigh. The gingerbread house was taunting her, and she resisted the urge to pick up the phone and call him to come and help her decorate it. 

"You don't want to call Rafe," she muttered under her breath. "You can handle more than two hours without him. You're not wishing he'd come back and Jamal would stay away, so just stop it already." 

_"Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way…"_

The press of a button cut off the holiday music. "Give it up. He has to make sure that Lucy is ok and that she is staying in Port Charles. Rafe actually has more important things to do that let you maul him every chance you get." She huffed unhappily at herself. Taking another sip of hot chocolate only to make a face at the cold mug. "Gross." 

Sighing, she got up from her perch at the counter to dump the remaining liquid in the sink. Running hot water into the cup she sighed again before just leaving it in the sink to soak, not caring at the moment to wash it. Grabbing another chocolate chip cookie, Alison walked to the tree. 

Taking a bite, she moved one of the ornaments up a branch, then back down. The process was repeated. "Come on, Alison. That's the third time you've moved that thing and it ended up right back in the same spot you put it in to begin with." Another sigh, another bite. And another try and moving the ornament up before she ended up, once again, right back where she started. 

"This sucks," she muttered. "No Rafe, no Jamal, no anyone, and it's quiet here, too quiet. It's so quiet I've spent the past hour talking to myself. What is _wrong_ with me?" Walking over, she turned on the radio once more. 

_"Silent night…"_

"Yeah, _just_ the song I wanted to hear," Alison muttered sarcastically, rolling her eyes for extra effect. 

She brushed the crumbs off the tips of her fingers on her faded blue jeans and moved back toward the kitchen. The gingerbread house was now going to get her full attention. If for no other reason because she was going to go crazy in 2.4 seconds without something to take her mind off of how horrible empty this place was when only hours before she'd had tears in her eyes from laughing so hard. 

It should have scared her that she was thinking more about Rafe's absence than her boyfriends, but she chose not the think about _that_. No, thinking about that was just an all around bad idea. Of course, she'd had a lot of bad ideas lately. 

Like falling for Rafe in the first place. Except of course, that she was already falling, and it wasn't her idea at all. She honestly had tried to fight it, she was sure she had. Some battles were meant to be lost. Maybe it wasn't the idea of falling that scared her so much, maybe her fear steamed from not knowing where she'd end up landing. 

Then again, she could make a very good guess where she'd end up after this fall. Right smack dab in the middle of in love with her angel. And that would only lead to heartache, heartache, and more heartache. Dammit, there had to be a rule against falling in love with an angel. Not that she was in love… yet. 

_"Sleep in heavenly peace, sleep in heavenly peace…"_

The light knocking on the door had her halfway there before the sound had even left the air. Desperate for any sort of distraction, she swung the door open before it even occurred to her to ask who was on the other side. Oh of all the people. "Valerie, why are you knocking?" 

"I was just trying to be considerate. I didn't want to walk in and… interrupt you and Jamal or anything," she answered simply, walking past the blonde and talking off her gloves. "I know that he told me to… well basically get lost as long as possible, so I was just making sure it was ok to come in before I did." Her coat was hung in the closet before she stopped to look around. "Wow, Alison. The place looks great. You've gotten into the Christmas spirit." 

"Ha!" Alison snorted. "The Christmas spirit is highly overrated, in fact, you know what? It sucks. All that happy, bubbly, joyfulness and stuff… Ugh!" The door nearly slammed shut, and the surprised expression worn by the other woman was completely ignored. "You know what else sucks? Love! And men! Men suck!" 

"Well… I'll just take a wild guess here and assume you and Jamal had a fight?" 

"That's ridiculous!" Alison huffed at the remark and plopped down on the sofa, grabbing a pillow and hugging it to her. "Jamal and _I_ didn't have a fight. Just me fighting for him and him being a stuck up, ignorant, stubborn bastard and blowing me off and saying I'm _in love_ with Rafe! Rafe!" 

Valerie snagged a sugar cookie from the cooling rack and held it up. "Can-" 

"Yeah, yeah, help yourself. I think I sort of over did it with the baking anyway. I need to decorate the gingerbread house, but that requires a little bit of Christmas spirit and well… Listen to me!" 

"So did he walk in to find you smooching Rafe again?" 

"No!" she pouted. "He didn't walk in on anything except me putting away the stuff I got at the store and Rafe managing to catch a jar of syrup I ended up breaking anyway. _He_ doesn't trust _me_! How messed up is that?" 

"Totally messed up. He slept with me." 

"Exactly! I've never slept with Rafe! I have no intention of sleeping with Rafe! I've never even thought about… I'm not in love with Rafe! I can't be in love with Rafe! But he doesn't trust me enough to know that! Can you believe the nerve! Like I've ever given him a reason not to trust me." 

"Um, except of course the time we walked in to find you kissing another guy." Valerie took a seat beside her. "Still, he has no right! You trust him after he slept with me, you can forgive and forget. Why do we have to be perfect all the time, and he's allowed to screw up right and left?" 

"I don't know! What makes _his_ opinion so important anyway, I mean, except of course that I love him. Jamal is a prick. You know that? He told Rafe to stay away from me because I was _his_. I half expected him to get out a pen and write 'property of' on my forehead!" 

The radio was once more clicked off with the remote and the TV turned on as they dissolved into laughter. "Men suck." 

Alison nodded in agreement. "Yup. Most men just suck." 

"Most?" Valerie cocked an eyebrow in her direction while flipping channels. "If you've found one that doesn't, mind pointing him out to me since you have Jamal?" 

"He's… unavailable…" 

Both women put their feet up on the coffee table. "Figures. Why can't _men_ be the ones that have to be perfect?" 

"Why can I finally meet the perfect one only to have him turn out to be so… different." 

She pushed her dark hair over her shoulder, and bit into her cookie before replying. "Jamal still thinks _you're_ perfect as of six hours ago," Valerie stated as-a-matter-of-factly. 

Yeah, she'd been talking about Jamal. Right? Alison glanced at her watch. "That was about fifteen minutes before he came in here and told me I was a fool and in love with another man." 

"Jerk." 

"Don't I know it." 

"Who'd have thought we'd end up bonding over the man we started out fighting over?" 

"You know what, Valerie? You aren't so bad when you aren't being an obsessive bitch that's after my boyfriend." 

"And you aren't so bad when you're not the perfect, lily white blond dating the man I'm in love with and fighting me for him." 

"Rafe says anything worth having is worth fighting for." 

Shrugging, Valerie finally landed on a channel. "Rafe is a smart guy." She watched the black and white figures on screen dance. "But what if he just ain't worth having? I think Jamal gets a kick out of being fought over." 

"That sooo wouldn't surprise me anymore." She paused. "I love this movie." 

"So do I." Valerie shrugged her shoulders again. "At least we can agree on some things." 

"Yeah. Wanna help me make a popcorn chain for the Christmas tree?" 

"Sure… Think we should save some of the fun for Jamal?" 

"I don't want to talk about Jamal anymore! I'm _sick_ of talking about Jamal! Even Rafe wanted to talk about Jamal!" Alison stood quickly, rushing around, suddenly filled with nervous energy, to gather together everything needed to make a popcorn chain. "He kept going on and on about how I need to give him another chance. That he's confused and hurt because of one innocent little kiss that meant…" 

"A lot from the sounds of it. Alison, _are_ you in love with Rafe?" 

Alison shook her head, sending blond hair flying out behind her. "No. No, no, no, no. I'm not in love with Rafe. I'm not! Why does everyone think that? And he's not in love with me, or after me, or out to get me into his bed like Jamal thinks." 

"He actually said that?" the other woman asked, her eyes widening. "That jerk! He doesn't even have the respect for you to know you would never cheat on him?" 

"Apparently not, Valerie, considering the fact that he said that, meant it, and hasn't come back or called yet." 

"Why did we ever want him?" 

She had to laugh. "I'm trying to remember," Alison replied after a moment. "Sometimes it just gets hard to do that, you know?" 

Picking up a needle and threading it, Valerie sighed. "I know. You should try having a _child_ with him." 

"Are you kidding me? Right now I don't even know if I want to be in the same room as him!" 

"So don't be. He can come in, and we can kick him right back out!" 

Alison sighed, sitting beside her while the popcorn was popping. "What has you so pissed off at him anyway?" 

"He refuses to even try to get visitation of Hope. It's not like I'm asking him to take her away from the Hartman's! All I want is a chance to see my child grow up and be happy." 

"Maybe you can't have it both ways, Valerie. Hope is with the only family she knows, she wouldn't know Jamal from Adam. You honestly think it would be best for her to be torn from the only people she knows to be her parents even for just a little while to have two more people calling themselves 'mommy' and 'daddy'? It's not fair to Hope. Screw Jamal, just think about your baby." 

"Maybe you're right." 

A smile formed on her lips. "You know, you just never get sick of hearing those words…" 

"Ah," Valerie said. "I take it we're back to Rafe?" 

"I'm not in love with Rafe." 

She turned, pushing her dark hair back once more. "Ok, you've been blunt about my daughter and I didn't take your head off, now it's your turn to hear the awful truth." Valerie paused, waiting to see if the blond was going to go off on her before she continued. "Rafe makes you happy. You smile with Rafe. You smile just _thinking_ about Rafe. You spend a good chuck of your time either with him or thinking about him. He's got it so bad for you. I mean, the guy obviously digs you, he did kiss you after all. The truth of the matter is, I'm almost surprised you two didn't set off smoke alarms with that kiss of yours. If all of that honestly means nothing to you? Then you really don't deserve either of them." 

"Rafe means a lot to me," Alison confessed softly. "But how am I supposed to just turn my back on everything that I've been through with Jamal?" 

Both pairs of eyes turned to the door when they heard it slam. A packed duffle bag was thrown down on the floor. "Very carefully, Alison. That's how you let go of all that crap about staying with Jamal because of your past instead of your future," Livvie spat out. "He can obviously just make it magically disappear, I don't know why you are expected to sit at home and hold onto it like some… some well trained lapdog!" Livvie grabbed a plate of cookies and the bowl of popcorn before joining them. "Do you mind if I stay here tonight? As much as I love Jack, I really don't think it's a good idea for me to be around him right now. Love totally bites." 

"Don't we know it," the other two muttered in unison. 

Alison picked up the other end of the strand of thread and worked it through the eye of the needle. "Wouldn't life just be much easier if we didn't go around falling in love with people." 

Valerie laughed lightly. "Especially tall, blond, and gorgeous guys that seem to have it bad for you but aren't your boyfriend." 

The newest arrival cocked an eyebrow. "I've been meaning to talk to you about your feelings for Rafe, now's as good a time as any!" Sitting the cookies and popcorn on the table, Livvie took a seat in the floor. "You know that he's like really…" 

"Special?" Alison supplied. "Yeah. I know. The guy is a total angel, you know? Jamal says he's my angel." 

"I bet he'd like to be," Valerie chuckled. 

"But I'm not in love with him," the blond insisted again. "I'm not in love with him. And even if I was, even if I _wanted_ to be in love with him, then I couldn't be, because he's leaving right after Christmas." 

"Alison," Livvie sighed. "You don't always get to pick you who fall in love with." 

"Yeah? Well I'm picking! And I'm picking to be in love with Jamal and not Rafe. So there!" 

"It doesn't work like that," Valerie said, rolling her eyes. "You're either in love with him or you aren't. You don't really get a say in the matter at all, Alison. If you try to _make_ yourself still feel the same about Jamal, then you're just going to end up hating yourself and him for it in the end. Don't deny your heart what it wants." 

"My heart… Jamal is my heart! Even Rafe keeps saying that I love Jamal!" 

"It's called denial, Alison," Livvie insisted. "You and Rafe are both using it all as an excuse to keep from admitting how you feel to yourselves! Rafe tells himself he can't be in love with you because you're in love with Jamal, and you tell yourself that you can't be falling in love with Rafe because of Jamal." 

"I'm not in love with Rafe. I'm not in love with Rafe! Rafe isn't in love with me." Alison glared at her friend. "And you know as well as I do that nothing whatsoever can happen between me and Rafe. Nothing! Ever! He's going, and he'll be gone. For good." 

Valerie cocked her head to the side. "Well, now I understand why you aren't in the Christmas spirit." Taking a gingerbread cookie from the plate she broke off his head and popped it in her mouth. "The man you're in love with is leaving." 

"I know. I know…" Alison buried her face in her heads. "I don't know what's worse. The fact that I'm falling so hard for him, or the fact that the landing is gonna hurt like hell." 


	11. Chapter 11

  
**Part I: Chapter 11**   


The afternoon sun was shining through the windows, warming the tiny hole in the wall diner more than she knew it could in the middle of December. Her first shift after realizing her world was spinning in the complete opposite direction wasn't going nearly as well as she had hoped it would. 

When she woke up this morning, after two whole hours of sleep all night long, her first thought had been to roll over, cover her head, and ignore the real world. Hiding out sounded like a very good idea. Staying in bed until everything went away would be the best thing for her, if only she could get away with it. Of all the days to be busy. Come to think of it, that was still her main idea of how to get through this shift. To say it had been a long day would definitely be an understatement. 

Tucking a lock of blond air behind her ear, Alison sighed softly. She was falling for her angel. Valerie and Livvie knew she was falling for Rafe, she _still_ hadn't managed to sleep for more than an hour straight, her grandmother went to spend Christmas with her parents, in Timbuktu for all she knew, without even bothering to mention it. And then she came to work to find the place completely swamped- the crowd hadn't thinned out any since she arrived. Then of course, in the middle of writing down an order she realized something she should have noticed about twenty hours ago. 

She still hadn't seen or heard from Jamal. 

Once again she was left wondering if it bothered her more that he hadn't called, or that she didn't even notice he hadn't called. Not that she didn't know where he was, Livvie had made it clear he was staying with Jack at their place. She also made it clear that he had no intention of returning home and she shouldn't hold out hope for him to get his head out of his ass anytime soon. Alison found herself startled with the realization last night that she didn't care nearly as much as she should. 

Her hair was a mess, her shoes were untied, it was a quarter to two, and she hadn't had a chance to sit all day. Busy, busy, busy. You would have thought that at the very least that meant she wouldn't be thinking so much, but no such luck. Three mistaken orders later, she was more than a little certain that if she messed up again today she'd be _wearing_ her mistake. If only there was an 'off' switch in your mind. 

Order pad and pen in hand, Alison walked to the next table, smiling as brightly as she could manage to fake at the moment. "Hi," she said cheerily, only to be cut off. 

"We'll have two coffees, black. One turkey sandwich, on white, with mayo, not mustard. A tossed salad with ranch dressing, on the side." The lady forced a smile in return, tossed her long black hair over her shoulder, and pulled down her sunglasses enough to look her in the eye. "To go." A beat. "Got that?" 

Alison fought the urge to roll her eyes and won by the skin of her teeth. She smiled brighter. "I've got it," she murmured, scribbling on the paper in her hand. 

"Are you sure?" 

"Yes, ma'am." She rattled the order back to her absently. "I'll have it to you as soon as possible." The only response was a dismissing wave of a hand and the back of the woman's head. 

She walked briskly to the bar, slapping the order down on it with enough force to make her hand sting. The action earned her more than a few strange looks. Alison pretended not to notice as she let out a long, heavy sigh and took a deep breath that she hoped would bring her patients. 

"I see your day is going fabulously," a deep, rich voice whispered into her ear, tickling the delicate strands of hair with his breath. And managing, somehow, to block out any other sound that may have been going on while he spoke. 

Alison sighed again, leaning against him on instinct, knowing he'd take her weight easily. He'd catch her. She smiled again, this time really smiled, and closed her eyes. For the first time since he left the apartment before, she relaxed almost completely. "You have no idea," she muttered finally. "I'm still contemplating just walking out and going back to bed. Maybe just skip this day entirely?" 

"If you skipped the day entirely then you'd miss out. Every day is a gift, Alison. Even the tough days." 

She opened her eyes slowly, not bothering to remove herself from against his chest. Especially when he wrapped one arm around her waist. "You know, as cute as your positive attitude may be…" 

"Livvie calls you bubbly," he interrupted. "And I have to be positive. I think it's part of the job description." 

Giggling, Alison shook her head. "You're too much, Rafe. How'd it go with Lucy last night?" 

He groaned. "Well, that depends on your point of view, I suppose. She is staying! And she's here, refusing to let me out of her site if I'm going to be around you. And I somehow ended up listening to a lecture most of the night about the horrors of love, and how men are pure evil." 

"Oh, you shouldn't have listened to her." Alison patted his hand then reluctantly pulling away from him. Smiling slyly at him when she turned around, she somehow manage to keep the same light, worried tone. "You should have just sent her over to me. Valerie, Livvie and I had a 'men suck- love sucks' party last night. I'll have to extend an invitation for her next time!" 

Rafe shook his head and sat on the empty bar stool. "I don't think I even want to know." 

"Jamal didn't come home last night," Alison replied, shrugging her shoulders and looking almost guilty. "He stayed over at Livvie and Jack's house. Livvie got mad because Jack took Jamal's side about the whole thing, because he was so wrong, you know? So they sort of had a fight and she stayed over with me while Jack got to deal with Jamal for a change." 

"You've _got_ to be kidding me," Rafe groaned. Patting the stool, he helped her to sit. "Are you alright? I'm so sorry, Alison. I know that it can't be easy for you. He didn't go home at all last night?" 

Her guilty look turned to one of confusion. "Rafe, you're supposed to kind of be mad at me here, not apologizing or worried. Remember? I very well could have blown everything for you yesterday, and then because I dragged you up to my apartment m… Jamal got jealous and Jack took his side, which very well could have screwed up Jack and Livvie…" 

"Alison, I'm not mad at you. Alright? You have no more control over his actions than I do. And you know, I can't blame him for wanting to keep you all to himself." The angel smiled shyly, a slight blush creeping onto his cheeks. "I mean, you… Your boyfriend obviously cares a lot… He loves you, Alison." 

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I love him too, you know? But he didn't come home last night. He didn't call, he didn't _try_ to talk to me about it. He just told me how I felt and then what's done was done, you know? I hate that. I can make up my own mind, I don't need anyone to make it for me or tell me what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling. Jamal was totally out of line, and if it weren't for Livvie I probably wouldn't even know where he was…" 

"Talk to him, Alison. Just-" 

"No. I'm not calling him. I'm not searching him out. And if Valerie wants him? More power to her! She can have him for all I care. I do not need a judgmental, jealous, jackass boyfriend. I can do better that! I deserve to be treated better than that. I don't care how much I love him. If he can't respect me enough to know that I wouldn't sleep around on him then he doesn't deserve me." 

"No argument there, Alison. He doesn't deserve you at all," he murmured, tucking a loose lock of hair behind her ear. "I see you actually got everything out of your hair." 

She pushed at his chest lightly and laughed. "It only took three washings." 

Cringing, Rafe backed up a step with his smile once again firmly in place. "I'd say I'm sorry, but…" he broke off, chuckling at the threatening look in her eyes. "You started it." 

"Did not!" 

"How old are you? Five? Come on, you gotta find a better argument than that!" he taunted. "What next? A Barbie sleepover?" 

"Oh, and you were just soooo mature. 'You started it.'" Alison raised an eyebrow. "What do _you_ know about Barbie sleepovers anyway?" 

"I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you." His teasing expression faded slowly. "Your public is calling." 

She glanced over his shoulder to find the dark haired lady from before shooting daggers through her eyes. "Oh, she can wait." Her eyes returned to his face, searching it, for what she didn't know, just searching. "You know, this friendship thing, it's supposed to work both ways. You wanna talk to me I'm here. Got it?" 

"Got it." Glancing in the opposite direction she had, Rafe groaned again. "Officer Coe is watching me closely, I can't talk much longer. When do you get out? I'll ditch the tail and meet you somewhere." 

Giggling, Alison leaned forward, her hand moving to his shoulder as she got close enough to whisper to him playfully. "Meet me in the park in two hours. Same place as yesterday. Then you can tell me what in the world you said to her." 

"Sorry, Ms. Barrington, that's privileged information." He hugged her quickly. "Don't worry about Lucy, I've got her in town, I think that's all we can hope for right now. And don't worry about Kevin either. I promised to fill you in on that today." 

"Yes you did!" Her lips were brushing against his cheek before she knew what they were doing. Dammit. "Four o'clock in the park. I'll try not to be late." 

"Yeah well, I guess I can wait on you for a change." He took a step back. "I mean it, don't worry about talking to Kevin." 

"I won't." She watched him take another step back. "I need to go and… do my job and… you know, stuff." 

"Right. So I'll see you." 

"I'll see you," Alison promised. "Two hours." 

"Yeah, two hours." Another step. This time she matched it with one of her own. "I…" He eyed Lucy suspiciously, knowing that she was trying her best to hear over the noise of the diner at ten feet away. She slowly started weaving her way through people with two cups of coffee in her hand. "Gotta jet, recess is over." 

Alison was laughing when Lucy approached them. "Hi, Lucy." 

"Oh, hello. I didn't realize it was you my dear, sweet, innocent cousin was talking to." 

Both fought the urge to laugh at the obvious lie. "Actually, I think I was talking to dear, sweet innocent him," Alison said smoothly. "But he did tell me you got to tell him all about the evils of love. I just wanted to invite you to come find me next time you feel like having that conversation." 

"I may just do that." 

"Well," Rafe said. "Weren't we just going, Lucy?" 

"Yes! Yes, yes, yes!" A cup was handed off to him. "See you, Alison!" 

Again Alison brushed her lips over Rafe's cheek. "See you both!" she smiled, walking off before she could rethink the action. 

"She kissed you," she hissed. Lucy's eyes were wide as she ushered him out of the diner. "What in the world are you thinking? Are you crazy? Rafe! I thought we agreed you were going to stay away from Alison before you got hurt!" 

"Yeah? It's harder than it sounds. I can't brush her off, I don't want to ignore her. I'm allowed to be her friend, Lucy! Aren't I?" 

Her eyes narrowed as snow crunched underfoot. "Not if you are going to end up getting your poor little heart broken when she goes back to her boyfriend you aren't." 

"Well, maybe my 'poor little heart' can handle it." 

"She kissed you!" 

Rafe cringed, locking eyes with one person that had stopped to stare long enough for them to scamper away. "Lucy, she didn't mean anything by it." 

"Exactly! That's just what I'm saying to you. She doesn't mean anything by it, but your heart just soars! She kissed you." 

"On the cheek, Lucy. Calm down." 

"No! No! I will not calm down! I won't. You don't know what your getting into do you?" 

"All I know, Lucy, is that I'm already in, and deep. And I know that even if I wanted to, which I don't, I couldn't find my way out. Can we just leave it at that?" 


	12. Chapter 12

  
**Part I: Chapter 12**   


Lucy Coe nearly growled in frustration. "Are you crazy? Come on, did you listen to nothing I said last night?" 

"Lucy," Rafe interrupted with a sigh. "Did you listen to nothing _I_ said?" His voice lowered to a whisper so low it almost didn't reach her ears. "I love her, Lucy. _I love her_. I don't want to avoid her. I know that nothing can happen between us, that doesn't mean I have to pretend she doesn't matter to me at all. Either way, I'm gonna hurt. Because I love her. And all I want to do right now, is be there when she needs me, and she needs me." 

"To mend her broken heart because her boyfriend is jealous? Rafe, tell me you aren't so lost in that positive energy thing that you think-" 

"What, Lucy? That I think what? That I have chance with her? I don't! I know that I don't. Even if I did, I wouldn't go with it because _she_ loves Jamal, and the important thing is that she is happy." Sighing, Rafe took a sip of coffee. "All I want, Lucy, is for her to be happy. I just want to see her laugh and smile. Is that really so wrong of me?" 

"You know what? You are just so gosh darn cute." His cousin sighed. "But you're clueless. You're in love with her, and you may want to deny it until the world stops spinning, but you are. And a part of you is always going to hope for something more with her, Rafe. There's nothing wrong with hoping, but you have to understand sweetie, if anything did happen with the two of you now, it would be on the rebound." 

"Nothing is going to happen between us! I'm not hoping! I know that nothing can happen. I know that it can't, Lucy. Do you hear me? **I know**. And I know that she'll never feel the same way about me." He started walking, needed to do something, to move, to… drown out the sudden feeling of his heart cracking and breaking. "I know that she loves Jamal. I know that she'll never, ever feel the way about me that I feel about her. I'm not hoping that will change. I know that it won't." 

"Why do you think that she doesn't feel the same way about you? What in the whole universe could make you think she'll never, ever, ever be completely and totally head over heels in love with you too?" Lucy asked, following behind him closely as they walked blindly through the streets of Port Charles. "Why do you suddenly think nothing at all, whatsoever, can happen between you and Alison." 

Stopping, he turned quickly. "Because… Because it can't. It's not sudden, Lucy. I've known from the very beginning that nothing would happen." 

"She kissed you." 

"She didn't mean it!" he shouted. Rafe cleared his throat, shook his head, and lowered his voice. "She didn't mean anything by it, Lucy. Nothing at all." 

"How do you know?" 

"Because she loves Jamal! Ok? She loves her boyfriend." He looked down, suddenly finding his unlaced black army boots very interesting. "If I could have, I would have stopped myself from falling for her, but I couldn't, Lucy. I tried. I fought it, but she won in the end, you know? I- I'm in love with her, Lucy. And all I want is to be able to see her smile once in a while. That's all I'm asking for." 

"Why does that have to be all though, Rafe? If you love her, _fight_ for her!" 

He raised his eyes to stare at her blankly. "Lucy," he muttered dryly, "I don't think you are the best person to be dishing out advice about love and telling me to fight for Alison when you won't even fight for the man you love." 

"We aren't talking about me and Doc! We're talking about you and the fact that you fell in love with a girl that has a boyfriend." 

Throwing his arms up in frustration, Rafe laughed bitterly. "Well, you know what, Lucy? Nobody's perfect. Everyone has a flaw somewhere!" 

"And hers is that she has a boyfriend?" 

"No, but mine was falling for her." 

Lucy turned her eyes away from him, realizing for the first time that they had somehow ended up in the park. She took a seat on the bench and motioned for him to do the same. "You can't help who you fall in love with." 

"It would be a lot easier if we could. I just want to not feel anything for her, you know? I want to not _want_ to kiss her everytime we get close, or hold her, or just love her. I don't want to love her, Lucy." 

"I know, sweetie. But you kinda can't help it, you know? You feel the way you feel and that's the way you feel and that's the end of it. You don't get a say in the matter at all. You know though, for what it's worth, love isn't really all bad. In fact, it's even kind of nice sometimes." 

"Nothing is going to happen between me and Alison, Lucy. You don't… You don't need to worry. We're just friends, that's all we're going to be. I- I know that. I've known that." 

"I think she may kind of like you." 

Rafe turned his eyes to her cautiously. "Yeah… I just said we're friends…" 

"No… I think she _likes_ you. She kissed you twice in five minutes!" 

"Goodbye. She kissed me goodbye. And it wasn't even really a _kiss_! I don't get why you are making such a big deal out of it." 

"Oh yeah, well I don't know why you aren't!" She huffed impatiently, crossing her arms in front of her. "Most people that are head over heels _make_ a big deal about things like the person they like kissing them on the cheek twice in three minutes, especially after what you told me happened last night!" 

"There is _nothing_ like that going on between me and Alison, alright? I love her. I love being with her, and hanging around her, and seeing her smile, and hearing her laugh, and watching her do just about anything. I love her, I love that we're friends, and I love everything else about her! Is that what you wanted to hear, Lucy? The honest truth?" His jaw tightened and he turned away from her once more. "The honest truth, Lucy, is that I love her more than I knew I _could_ love someone. But nothing, _nothing_, can happen between the two of us." 

"And just why not buster?" 

"B-Because. Ok? Because!" 

"Because why?" 

Rafe sighed, burying his face in his hands. "Because… Because it can't. Because she loves Jamal. Because it's just not in the cards. Because she loves her _life_ with Jamal. Because… Because the universe has a different idea of how it would like to do things." 

The wind suddenly blew harder, faster, colder. Snow flurries danced across the ground, or flew in the air, free once more to play in the breeze. The sky was a brighter blue than he'd ever known, the clouds little more than tiny white wisps. Sunshine was beating down on them in all it's glory, reflecting off the snow in a way that made sunglasses almost necessary. 

There were a lot of things he was going to miss. The lights, the colors, her, the feelings of being almost alive again. But feeling like this, a tight ball of dread in the pit of his stomach while he held his breath waiting for his cousin to reply to his reasoning was not one of them. 

"Maybe," Lucy said after a second. "The universe will change its mind." 

"I won't hold my breath." 

"Then maybe you should _make _the universe change its mind." 

"I don't think the universe is a good thing to reckon with." Rafe shrugged his shoulders. "Besides, fate is pretty much set in stone isn't it? And her fate is with Jamal." 

"You know one of the funny things about life? You don't know what your fate really is." 

"Sure I do, Lucy. My fate, is to sit on the sidelines and watch the woman I love _happy_ with another guy. But that's ok, because she's happy. That's all that matters." 

She stood. "Maybe fate isn't all it's cracked up to be, Rafe." Brushing the snow off of her knee length coat, Lucy didn't fail to notice he refused to meet her eyes. "Maybe fate isn't as set in stone as you think. Maybe, sometimes you gotta just grab on to the reigns and steer your life where _you_ want it to go." 

His smile was quick, small, and just a little shy of sincere. "Practice what you preach." 

"Maybe I will," Lucy stated nodding. "You going to come on?" 

"Nah, I think I'll stick around here for a while." 

"Ok. Ta!" Walking away, a smile formed on her face as she called over her shoulder, "Tell Alison I said hello!" She bit down on her bottom lip when she looked back at him. "And maybe I'll just try and steer _your_ fate in the direction you want it to go while I'm at it." 


	13. Chapter 13

  
**Part I: Chapter 13**   


_"Anything worth having is worth fighting for?" _

"I just want it to be easy for a while, you know? I just want something that's easy. I'm tired of fighting." 

"Just be happy, Alison… Jamal makes you happy." 

"Not lately… Lately you're the one making me happy." 

"What's the matter, Angel Boy? Alison tell you she loves me and that she'll never, ever feel the same about you?" 

Rafe turned his head to the side reluctantly, pulling himself from the memories of the day before. "Hello to you too, Jamal." 

"Not _hello_, Angel Boy, goodbye. As in I hope you get your wings and fly on outta here." 

"Angel Boy?" 

"Yeah, aren't you trying to pass yourself off as my girl's _angel_. Course, you sure as hell don't act like any angel I've ever heard of, trying to steal another guys lady and all." 

Sitting up straight on the bench, Rafe sighed. "First of all, I'm not trying to _steal_ anything. Second of all, Alison is a person, and _you_ cannot own her, she's not _yours_. And last but not least, you are an arrogant fool." 

"Oh?" Jamal moved a step closer, standing in front of him, his stance threatening. "Is that so? I'm the arrogant fool? Why's that? Because I can call it when some wannabe is trying to steal my girl from me?" 

He didn't blink. "Of course not," the angel muttered, passing himself off as bored. He held his hand up before him, inspecting his fingernails casually. "You're an arrogant fool because you actually think you're good enough for her. She's smart, funny, beautiful, talented, compassionate, and caring. And you're just a possessive, self obsessed, idiot that doesn't realize the perfect woman is standing in the wings, waiting to have the perfect life with you." 

"Yeah, that's _right_, she wants a life with me! Not you, Angel Boy, so why don't you pack your bags, hit the road, and leave us the hell alone?" 

"Us?" Now he blinked, turning his attention back to the man in front of him. "You're kidding, right?" 

"Why would I be kidding? Me and Ally, we're a pair, a package. A perfect match. You're just some player trying to get in the game way too late. She loves me." 

"Of course she loves you. Like an idiot, I spent most of yesterday reminding her of that." Rafe rolled his eyes. "You are the one that accused her of being in love with me. You're the one that keeps making her cry, and _you_ are the one that didn't even bother to try and call her last night." 

"Ally and I have an understanding." 

"Yeah, she understands that you're a jealous prick who can't handle that she takes herself out for a walk instead of standing behind you with a leach begging." His foot tapped impatiently, and he tried to push down the sudden wave of anger and frustration. "You don't deserve her, she can do so, _so_ much better than you. But for some unknown reason, she loves you." 

Hurt flashed in his eyes, but was quickly pushed aside. "Yeah, that's **right**. She loves me. And you've just confused her into thinking she may actually be in love with you." 

"Alison does **not** think that she's in love with me. I'm not the one confusing her." Nope, just the one confused about what to do. Hitting him over the head until he became a man that was worthy of Alison sounded like a damn good idea. "You walked out on her. You _told_ her how she felt, then you walked out and made no effort to try and fix the situation." 

"She knew where I was! She could have called me at anytime." 

"And why should she, Jamal? You're the one that doesn't trust her." 

"Hey! I trust Ally plenty! The one I don't trust, Angel Boy, is you." He inched closer. "You are working the situation to get my girl into your bed." 

A smile formed on Rafe's face, just a little bitter, and very much against his will. "_I_ am working the situation, Jamal? You made a move on Valerie yesterday. All she wants is her child, and you made a move on her to try and work that. Then you get pissed when she knocks you on your ass, so you run home to take it out on your _girlfriend_." Shaking his head sadly, Rafe sighed. "You're damn lucky, you know." 

Jamal paled more and more as he spoke. "I didn't-" 

"Spare me the denials. I'm not stupid. I know what you did. And if I was working the situation like you _think_ I am, I would have told Alison long ago." His gaze hardened, and Rafe somehow knew his message was getting across this time. "But what I am doing Jamal, is what is best for _her_. And unfortunately, most people seem to think that's you. I don't like you, you don't like me, and I don't really care. Got it? All I care about, is Alison's happiness. I'm not going to be the one to break her heart by telling her you are a lying piece of scum. If _you_ make her happy, then _you_ better get over your hurt pride, because the only important thing, the **only** important thing, is that Alison is happy." 

"How messed up are you?" Stepping back, Jamal shook his head as a bitter laugh escaped him. "You're so in love with her you can't see straight!" 

He simply stared, looking at him, or through him rather, in a way that left no room for question. "How I feel about her doesn't matter. What matters is how _she_ feels." 

"She'll never have with you what she had with me!" he cried desperately, and even to his own ears the sound was far too searching. Jamal lowered his voice. "She's said it before, she… She told me that she had never even _thought_ of you that way." 

"Good. She shouldn't." Rafe tilted his head, smiling once again. "Alison and I are friends. Nothing more. But we aren't anything less either. You can't tell her who to see, who to spend time with, what to think, or how to feel. If you do? Then you're an even bigger fool than I thought. And I already know that you deserve to lose her." 

Anger was renewed, brought forward in waves to keep the edge off the hurt. "Everybody makes mistakes," he sneered. 

"Once is a mistake, Jamal," he answered almost tiredly. "Twice is a pattern, something she shouldn't have to put up with." 

"I didn't sleep with her!" 

"But not for lack of trying on your part." 

"So you'd lie to Ally? You actually think she'd like that?" 

"I'm not the one lying. I'm just not sharing all the details, something she knows I do anyway," Rafe sighed. "I know she wouldn't like it. She'll find out on her own though. If you were any sort of a man at all you'd just admit it before she finds out from Valerie." 

"I can't _believe_ that Valerie ran her mouth off to _you_ of all people!" 

"She didn't." 

"Yeah, well then how the hell did you know, Angel Boy? Magic powers?" 

"Something like that," Rafe muttered. "Call your girlfriend and stop trying to bed your ex before you lose the best thing that ever happened to you for good." 

Crossing his arms over his chest, Jamal glared down at him. "You think you can actually get Ally away from me? You're wrong fool." He paused for effect, not knowing it left him looking like he was searching for words rather than threatening. "And you need to just back on off of my girl." 

"Oh, you know what?" Rafe said, his voice a little louder than he intended. "For the last time, I'll use little words so you understand this time, I – am – not – after – Alison. Did you get it that time? Do you understand now? I'm not after her. I'm not on some mission to try and take what the two of you have. Can you get that through your thick head?" 

"Don't play games with me, Rafe," the other man growled in response. "You're in love with my girl, and she's got it bad for you. I may be a fool, but I'm not fool enough to miss out on _that_. I knew when she was spending all that time with you that you were working her, trying to get her away from me, then you go and kiss her? You want her. Admit it!" 

"Yeah, I want her," Rafe grinned. "I want her, I admit it." His head tilted. "But nothing is going to happen between us. I'm not after her. I don't work the situation, Jamal. I love her, care about her, and respect her far too much to ever try and play games with her. I want her to be happy. Can you get that? Alison is what's important. So if she's happy with you, then congratulations and good luck. I hope you have a long and happy life together." 

"But what? You think she's happier with you than she is with me?" 

He shook his head sadly and stood finally. "I think you make her cry, and I can make her smile." Rafe's jaw tightened, and he glanced over the other man's shoulder. "Talk to her. Apologize. Prove me wrong." 

"I don't have a damn thing to prove to you fool. You're the one all in love with my girl!" 

Rafe closed his eyes in frustration. "You know what? I was right. You don't deserve her. She's way too good for you." 

"Oh? And you think you're so much better than I am?" 

"Better than you in general? Or better than you on some jealous rage because Alison has a life that isn't completely about waiting on the sidelines for you to let her in?" The angel sidestepped him, then turned to face him again. "Or do you mean better for Alison than you are? No, not really. I think the two of you make a great couple when you aren't being a complete idiot." 

Jamal straightened his stance slightly. "You actually think I don't have a _right_ to be jealous?" 

"You slept with Valerie. Alison wouldn't repeat your mistake. In fact, she _forgave_ you for it. And she still trusts you. She has faith in you, in your love, and in your _life_ together. You repay her for that, for giving you her heart, by sneaking around and treating her like she doesn't matter at all? You order her around, tell her what she thinks, and take every innocent moment and turn it into her doing something wrong." 

"She was all over you yesterday! You call that innocent?" 

"It was innocent. I almost dropped the jar of syrup, he caught it, and I was playing around threatening to do it again." Alison stepped between them, facing Jamal. "Why are you picking fights all over the place these days, Jamal?" 

"How long have you been… I'm not picking any fights, Ally. Just because you are diluted enough to think _he_ is really your guardian angel, doesn't mean he's nearly as angelic as he would lead you to believe." 

"You know what, Jamal?" Rafe asked, placing his hands on Alison's shoulders. "I'm right here. I'm not pretending to be anything. And you are the one that came up and started talking to me." 

Alison shifted her weight from one foot to the other, glaring at her boyfriend and leaning ever so slightly into the man behind her. "You don't want to try and talk to me, Jamal. You don't want to come home, you don't want to have a life with me when Valerie is in the ring, and you didn't even bother to call me. You just walked out, and that was it! You were gone!" 

"Yeah. I was gone." Jamal raised his eyes to look over her head. "And just how long until your good buddy Rafe showed up?" 

"I don't know…" She glanced up at Rafe. "How long was it? Twenty minutes?" 

"I think it may have been more like fifteen." 

Alison nodded, pulling her eyes from his and back to Jamal. "He was pretty quick to get there after I called him and said I needed a friend." 

He squeezed her shoulders gently before pulling his hands away. "You two need to-" 

"Rafe," she hissed, grabbing his hand before he could step away. "Don't. Please don't. Just stop it now." 

Jamal grinned cockily. "That's right, Angel Boy. Just stop trying to act like some goody-good so you'll get into my girl's pants." 

"Rafe isn't like that, Jamal!" Alison insisted. "And you lost the right to claim me when you didn't come home last night. Thank goodness Livvie told me you were with Jack." 

"Or what? You wouldn't have known? Did you're angel stay the night instead, Ally? Did you need someone to keep your bed warm while I was away?" 

"No, Jamal, I'm not like you." She turned around, looking up at Rafe hopefully. "You promised. I'm not letting you back out on that! So just… Don't rush off on me, please?" 

"Alright." Dammit. If only he could say no to her. "But, you know… You two need to talk this out, and-" 

"And we can't seem to talk about anything since _you_ came into town." 

"Jamal!" Alison turned again. 

"What? It's true." 

"No! What's true is that you cheated on me, and yesterday hit on Valerie while you were accusing me of being in love with someone else!" 

Jamal locked eyes with Rafe once more. "You did tell her! I'll-" 

"You'll _what_, Jamal?" Alison interrupted. "You'll what? And Rafe didn't tell me anything, Valerie told me last night. And I didn't care! At all! Go off with Valerie, have all the fun you want to! But you know what? Even she's too good for you. You used your child to get what you want. And you have the nerve to try and lay the blame for all of our problems at his feet? I don't think so, Jamal. You know what? We're through. We're over. We are done!" 

Rafe returned his free hand to her shoulder. "Alison! You don't-" 

"Fine. That's just fine. You want to throw away everything we had? More power to you. But don't think that Angel Boy is going to be nearly as good to you as I was," he said. Jamal turned around and stalked off quickly. 

"Alison!" Rafe said again, turning her. "You don't… You don't mean that! You love him." 

"I- Rafe, I care about you, like… A lot, you know? But I'm not going to stick around with a guy that treats me like a second choice just so you can get a pat on the back and a _job well done_." Her arms wrapped around his waist, and she hugged him. Alison felt a small smile form on her lips when he returned the embrace. "I just… I can't be with Jamal anymore, Rafe. I can't." 

He nodded. And held her tightly. Both waited for her tears to come. 

But they didn't. 


	14. Chapter 14

  
**Part I: Chapter 14**   


She loved this. Right here, right now, standing in his arms, she'd be more than happy to stay forever. Her arms tightened around him slightly, and he only pulled her closer, held her more securely. As if he knew that all she wanted was to be held… by him. She wanted to be held by her angel. 

Alison knew, somehow she knew that he was trying to comfort her, but she hadn't cried. She didn't even really feel the need. The ending of Alison and Jamal was just that. The end. And it wasn't a happy ending, or a sad ending, just an ending. A place to stop the story, close the book, and put it on the shelf to start collecting dust. 

And tomorrow she should probably pick up another book and start the next chapter of her life. 

But her brain was fighting with her heart right now. Her brain wanted her to cry, to be devastated, hurt, broken. Her brain kept telling her to feel _something_ that related to Jamal at all. Sadness, tears, helplessness, anger, pain… it may even settle for happiness or contentment. Something in her screamed that the life they had deserved to be mourned. Her heart on the other hand, really wouldn't let her think about her ex for very long at all before it drew her attention back to the man she was hanging onto for dear life. 

This wasn't an embrace meant to comfort. In all honesty, they'd both realized a while ago that she didn't _need_ to be comforted over this. And they had long ago passed the time limit of a friendly embrace. But she couldn't seem to pull away from him, and something made her wonder if he'd even let her go if she tried. 

Was it wrong of her to hope he wouldn't? 

"What is wrong with me?" she asked suddenly, murmuring her words against his neck, and breaking them both from their thoughts. Alison still felt no urge to move from the place they were rooted in. 

"You're hurt-" 

"No, I'm really not." A bitter laugh escaped her. "I'm not hurt, I'm not sad, I'm not disappointed… I'm really not anything. And I should be, you know? After what he did… I didn't even notice he didn't come home last night, I mean, I noticed, but I didn't mind. I just… I should care! I should be feeling something about all of it. But I'm just not you know?" 

He started to pull back, then decided against it. He really didn't want to let go of her, and she wasn't showing any signs of wanting to be released. "Maybe it just hasn't sunk in yet or something? Or maybe you just don't know how you _do_ feel about it all just yet." 

"I know how I should feel. I should be like… totally devastated or something, you know? I mean, Jamal was my future for so long, and like my entire life was wrapped up in him. I don't… I don't feel like I just lost my future, though. I don't feel like I just told my heart to go take a hike." 

Rafe turned his head and kissed her forehead. "Who gets to decide how you _should_ feel? And why do they matter so much?" Despite not wanting to be the one to pull from the embrace, Rafe released her. But he couldn't seem to let her go completely. His hand took hers. "Just feel how you feel, Alison." 

"I'll get right on that after I figure out how I feel." She pulled her hand away and crossed her arms in front of her, trying to pretend they didn't suddenly feel empty. "But I don't want to feel anything about it. Look at everything he did!" 

"Alison, you two still have… had a life together. It's not to late, you know." Rafe shifted uncomfortably, the situation made everything he did feel wrong. "I… I know for a fact, Alison, that Jamal is always going to love you, and you're always going to love him." 

"I know! I know, it's just… It all feels so different now, you know?" Her voice lowered, and her head dropped, she watched her shoes to avoid having to met his eyes. "I used to be like so in love with him, right? But it's just… Lately I don't feel the same way that I used to. And it… It's not all his fault either. It's not just because he cheated on me, or because he changed. It's like we both had to grow up a lot because of Caleb and everything, you know? Only instead of growing together like we planned we sort of grew apart or something." 

"Yeah, but, Alison, you can work on things like that. You can-" 

"But I don't _want_ to," she interrupted. "I don't want to work it out with him. And it scares me that I don't. Because I was supposed to spend my entire life with him. But now… I don't want to. I just… I'm tired of working on what we had. And that's what it has been to me for a long time now, what we had." 

He shook his head. "No, Alison-" 

"Look, I love him, alright? I'm always going to love Jamal, Rafe. Always. But… I still love him, but I don't think I'm in love with him anymore, you know? I mean… When I did notice that he hadn't bothered to come back or call, I was glad. And I didn't want him to. I just… Am I a really bad person?" 

"Of course not." Sighing, Rafe put his hand on the small of her back and led her to the bench he'd been sitting at earlier. "You're a great person, Alison. Why would you think otherwise?" 

"Because I… I know that Jamal is going through a lot right now with Hope and the Hartman's and Valerie. He's going through a lot, and I just kept making it worse-" 

"How did _you_ make it worse, Alison? You never did anything wrong." 

"Except I practically mauled you last night," she muttered under her breath. 

Rafe couldn't help but laugh at the remark. And his laughter earned him a glare before she turned away to try and keep him from seeing her reddening cheeks. "Alison," he said finally, drawing her eyes back toward him. "I didn't exactly try to discourage you." 

"Of course not, you're too sweet for that." She rolled her eyes, sliding away from him about an inch on the bench. "Anyway!" she said loudly, over the sound of him once again laughing. Finally, she gave in and giggled with him. "How did you know about Jamal hitting on Valerie yesterday?" 

"Um… Let's just say a little bird told me." 

"Ah! Gotcha." Alison tipped her head. "I would have thought I'd be mad about it, you know? But I wasn't. I was just… indifferent. And I think that's even worse than hating him because of it." 

"Why's that?" 

"Because at least if I hated him I'd feel _something_ about it. Instead I just told Valerie if she wanted him she could have him. I don't think she's all that wild about him either after that stunt though." Alison once again wrapped her arms around herself. "Livvie stopped by with Jack and had lunch right after you left. They seem to be fine again. So I didn't mess them up too." 

"Hey, you didn't mess anything up." His eyebrows lowered when she turned her face away with a shrug. Before he knew what he was doing, he reached over and turned her face back toward him with a hand on her cheek. "I mean it, you didn't mess anything up." 

"Ok," Alison nodded slowly. "So… You were going to tell me something about a mystery woman?" 

"Ah! Right. How dare I forget?" Rafe grinned, and she returned the gesture. "Julie." 

"What?" 

"Julie is sick, there's no cure, so she's bringing Christina back to Lucy. Kevin is just playing middle man and setting everything up for her." 

She grabbed his hand in excitement. "That's so wonderful! I mean… Not about Julie, but about Christina. Lucy gets her daughter back!" 

"Yeah, and that's the big secret." 

"In other words, _keep your big mouth shut, Alison_?" she mumbled, rolling her eyes. "So, like, there's nothing anyone can do for Julie?" 

Rafe shook his head sadly. "It's just her time, Alison." 

"Well, I know, but it's still like really sad. You know?" 

"Yeah, I know." He cocked his head to the side, smiling over at her softly. "You have a really big heart, Alison, and a lot of love to give." 

"Lots and lots," she agreed. "But if you mention _you know who_, I'm leaving." 

"Alright, alright," Rafe held up the hand that wasn't holding hers in mock surrender. "I will not mention your boyfriend." 

"Ex-boyfriend," she corrected. "So, like, what exactly was he saying to you before I got here? And how did you know I was here?" 

"Magic," he grinned. "Basically the same thing we went through last time, and what you went through yesterday. Nothing important, nothing worth repeating." 

"Next time, just don't get into it with him. Just walk away and ignore him or something, alright? You should haven't to listen to that." 

"I can take care of myself, Alison," Rafe answered with a smile. "Besides, I think he actually got some of what I was saying that time. With some people, you have to repeat it to get through. Or you have to say it at the right time in the right way, you know?" 

"Yeah, I know." Alison bit down on her bottom lip and glanced away for a second. "So, you really aren't going to tell me what you said to Lucy to get her to stay in town?" 

"Nope." He winked at her. "But I will tell you I practically had to beg to keep her in her apartment." 

"Well, you do what it takes to get the job done." 

"Yup." He pushed her hair away from her face out of some newborn habit. "You're freezing. Wanna get out of here?" 

"Yes!" Standing, she held on to his hand. "I have a bunch of cookies packaged up and stuff, I was really bored around dawn, so I wanted to drop them off to the kids at the hospital. You want to come help me do that?" 

"Anything you want, Alison." 

"Watch it." She turned back to him, smiling slyly. "I may just take you up on that." 


	15. Chapter 15

  
I just want to say a quick thank you to everyone that reads and supports this story. I think I would have given it up long ago with out your positive feedback, please continue to let me know what you think! :)**Part I: Chapter 15**   


Alison unzipped her coat, sliding it off and throwing it over the arm of the sofa in own fluid motion. She stepped over an open duffle bag on the floor, and seemingly ignored the suitcases and boxes that covered most of the floor. 

"Well," Rafe muttered, following her pattern. "Someone doesn't waste any time." 

Valerie stepped out of one bedroom, clothes thrown over her arm. "Hi, Rafe. Alison." 

"What are you doing?" Alison asked, stopping in mid step at the site of the other woman. Her trek to the kitchen was abandoned as she walked over toward her. "Valerie, why are you packing?" 

"Because I told her to," Jamal answered, coming out of the other bedroom "I'm moving out. I'll be staying at Jack's old place. I figured since I forced you into letting her stay she needed to get out too. Give you and Angel Boy some privacy." 

"I'm not…" Rafe sighed, breaking off before he could start when he caught site of Alison. "answering that. I'm not answering that." 

She smiled gratefully in his direction before turning back to the other woman. "Valerie, you don't have to leave." A heavy sigh escaped her when she found the reality of the situation sinking in. "Really, you're fine here. You have no other place to go, so just go unpack again and tell Jamal to-" 

"Alison," Rafe said, cutting her off. They both tried to hide smiles. 

"Right, sorry. Anyway, just because Jamal is out doesn't mean you have to be. You are welcome to stay until you can find another place to go. Ok?" 

Jamal shook his head, glaring at the scene before him. "She has another place. With me." 

The other three occupants of the room glared right back. "It's up to you, Valerie," Alison said after a moment, continuing on her way to the kitchen. "Stay here or go with him. Whatever you want. You want him, more power to you. Move in with him, sleep with him, hell, have another child with him! Just give me the address to send my sympathy cards to." 

"Jealous, Ally?" Jamal asked, a smirk crossing his features. 

"Jealous?" Alison snorted. "Not hardly. I told her last night if she wanted you she could have you." Her head tilted, and she smirked right back. "Of course, we both decided that you weren't worth it." 

Valerie took the opportunity to jump in. "That's right, we did say that. She quoted something about 'anything worth having is worth fighting for' then we decided you weren't worth having or fighting for. We spent a good chunk of time trying to remember why we wanted you in the first place." 

A flash of hurt crossed Jamal's eyes, and Rafe almost felt for him. Almost. But he _did_ have a job to do, no matter how much he may hate the job. "Maybe you should talk about this some more…" 

"Rafe," Alison sighed, her hands planted on her hips. "We went over this before. I meant it. Just _stop_." 

"I was just-" 

"I know," she whined. "I know what you were just doing, and I don't want you to do it anymore. Please, just stop trying to fix it. It's nothing you did, and nothing you can fix, so please, please just like… stop!" 

"Damn, Ally, he really is an angel." Shaking her head, Valerie smiled sadly. "Pushing you back to Jamal when he has the chance to jump in and whisk you away. Putting you and your feelings first, but he obviously has no idea how you really feel… You had a point last night, girl. Unavailable, right?" 

"Totally." Sighing again, Alison put her elbows on the counter, and leaning on it. "Unfair isn't it?" 

"Excuse me?" Rafe asked. "What are you talking about?" 

Alison felt a blush start to grow and tried to shrug it off. "Um… Nothing, Rafe. Just… It's really nothing at all. It requires a back story, you know, and we just don't have the time!" 

A giggle passed Valerie's lips as she handed a flat box to Alison. "Here, they'll be easier to carry in this." She helped her put the smaller boxes, filled with cookies, into the larger one for a moment. Both women tried to ignore the stares they were receiving. "So, you really wouldn't mind me staying just a little longer?" 

"Not at all," Alison said with a smile. "Stay as long as you need. I'm not going to kick you out in the middle of the holidays." 

"Oh," Jamal said. "But you'll kick me out?" 

She didn't spare him a glance. "Rafe, did you hear me tell Jamal he had to move out?" 

"No? But you _did_ break up with him. Not many exes live together." 

Valerie tossed him a look over her shoulder. "Was that supposed to be an insult to me?" 

"No, just a fact," Alison answered for him. "Rafe doesn't do insults." 

"He was calling me an arrogant fool in the park, Ally," Jamal stated quickly. "But you missed that. By the time you showed up he was back to being your perfect little angel." 

"He was just stating the fact," Valerie shot back. "I'd be willing to bet everything he said was true." She shook her head and continued helping to put the containers of cookies into the box. "How long has he been calling Rafe yours?" 

"Since yesterday," Rafe answered. "At least, that was the first time _I_ heard him call me _her angel_." His eyes landed on the smile Alison was sporting, and a smile of his own formed. "I can think of far worse things to be called, though." Their eyes locked, and suddenly it was as if they were the only two in the room. 

A dreamy sigh escaped the woman not lost in his eyes. "You don't stand a chance, Jamal." 

"Why," he demanded, breaking the spell Alison and her angel seemed to be lost in. "Why don't I stand a chance? Because her angel is much more perfect and so much better for her? He'll never be as good to her as I was." 

Valerie snorted. "You slept with me while you were dating her, kissed me, said you'd think about keep Hope _later_, then accuse her of sleeping with someone else everytime she turns around. At least Rafe is good to her! He's sweet! He listens to her and doesn't make her seem less important than him." 

"Exactly," Alison said, nodding in agreement. "But nothing is going on between me and Rafe and you _both_ need to get with Livvie and get over the idea." 

"Can I sign Lucy up for that group?" Rafe asked. 

She cringed. "Oh… I got you into trouble didn't I?" 

"Yes!" He chuckled lightly. "But I can handle Lucy." 

"Ally," Jamal ground out through clenched teeth. "Can we talk about this, please? You don't really want us to be over…" 

"Yes," Alison said, tilting her head slightly as the realization came full force. "Yes, I do want us to be over, Jamal. What we had… You shattered it yesterday. And all the king's horses and all the king's men aren't going to put Alison and Jamal back together again. We're through, Jamal. For real." 

"Because of _him_?" 

"No," she replied, shaking her head slightly. "Not because of him at all. Because of you. And! And because… because of me, Jamal. Because I deserve to have a relationship that I'm not alone in." Alison picked up the box and crossed the room, sitting it down to pull on her coat and hand Rafe his. "Valerie, I meant it, you can feel free to stay here, alright?" 

"Yeah. I think I will. Thanks." Her eyes gave them both a quick once over. Rafe was standing beside Alison, holding the box in one arm, and he pulled her hair out from under her collar with the other hand. "I'll see you when you get back." 

They waved before walking out. 

Jamal stared at the door they had just departed through. "Don't say it, Valerie, don't you dare say it." 

"Say what, Jamal?" she asked, placing a hand on her hip. "Say that they make a great couple, even if they aren't a couple? Or say that you brought this all on yourself?" 

"I'll get her back," he vowed. 

"No," Valerie said firmly, shaking her head. "No, Jamal. You won't get her back. Even after Rafe leaves, they way you treated her isn't going to." She grabbed her own coat and slipped it on. "Just give it up, Jamal. Let her be happy." 

"I make her happy!" 

"Jamal, did you see the way they looked at each other? Give it up. You used to make her happy, but you changed. She may not know it yet, but she _is_ in love with him, and if you ever cared about her at all you'd let her be happy while she can." 


	16. Chapter 16

  
**Part I: Chapter 16**   


They came out of the hospital laughing, very much the same way they had gone in. "Did you see their faces, Rafe? They were all so happy!" Alison clutched a piece of blue construction paper to her chest. "And this picture! I can't believe that little girl gave it to me, and the way she smiled even though it's almost Christmas and she's stuck in the hospital…" 

"Well, you can't be surprised," He said. "You just… lifted their spirits." 

"All I did was pawn off the four dozen extra cookies I made though! But they were all smiling so big and bright and…" Alison twirled around in a circle, her arms outstretched and her face toward the cloudless sky. Again she started laughing. "They were all so amazing, Rafe. I'd forgotten how much I love doing things like that!" 

"You did a good thing, even if it was a lot of work." The angel shrugged his shoulders, watching her with a smile of his own. "It doesn't surprise me that you love to do things like that. I mean, you have such a big heart. It's pretty amazing… You're… You should do that more often if you always leave this happy. And, you know, if you don't mind the extra work." 

"What work? I was baking anyway, and I needed something to distract me. It wasn't a lot of work… Well, it was some work, but it was totally worth it to see them all smiling and happy. I Think anything is worth it to see all those smiles, you know?" 

"Yeah," Rafe muttered, nodding. "I know exactly what you mean." 

Something in his voice stopped her, left her frozen in place when her eyes found his. A deeper meaning was hidden there, but she couldn't seem to find anything that it could _really_ be. Oh, she had a few things in her mind that she was hoping, but she seriously doubted he'd be thinking anything along those lines. Slowly, Alison's smile faded into a look at couldn't be described, more than content, but not quite happy. Not sad, but not joyous. Just the shadows of a hundred different conflicting emotions that wanted to take life but wouldn't be allowed the chance until she picked one. 

"I think you do," she said after a moment, trying unsuccessfully to pull herself out of the depths of his eyes. "I think you always know what I mean. I think you always know what I'm thinking, or how I'm feeling… You know _me_, Rafe, and sometimes… Sometimes that can get a little scary. How well you know me, I mean. Because…" 

"I know," he whispered. Rafe put a hand on her cheek for just a second, and the thought of kissing her entered his mind, before pulling away. His eyes finally broke from hers and went straight up to the sky with a nervous laugh. "Lucy keeps saying I need to just blow you off or avoid you. Being friends is apparently a crime in this town." 

"Why does she want you to do that?" 

"Something about my heart being broken and you being in love with Jamal." He shrugged his shoulders again. "I wasn't really paying attention. I did get that she thinks you're playing me," he laughed. "And Jamal thinks I'm playing you." 

Alison parked herself down on the bench outside the ER doors. "You just want a friend, Rafe, and so do I. There's nothing really wrong with that is there? I just like so don't understand why it is that all these people are after us to stay away from each other. I mean, I know why Jamal says stuff like that, he's really jealous, but everyone else… I don't get it." 

"I don't either," he smiled weakly. "I know that I'm leaving soon…" 

Her smile seemed to drop even more as she smoothed the edges of the construction paper in her hand. "Yeah… I know. Like, really, really soon." She bit down on her lip for a moment in thought. "I just… I don't know what I'm going to do without you, Rafe." 

"You'll do just fine without me," Rafe promised, his head tilting to get a better look at her. "Alison, if you ever need me… You've got me, alright? I may not be here, but…" 

With a hand over her heart, Alison looked up at him again, a sad smile playing on her lips. "But you'll be here. Right here with me always." 

There it was again, that deeper meaning that was hidden. Only this time, it came from her, and she still wasn't sure what that meaning was. Learning from before, Alison cast her eyes downward before she could get stuck in the trap of his eyes again. But her heart continued to beat, only a little more wildly than before. She could feel the hard, quick rhythm against her palm. 

And he laughed lightly. It held little humor, more embarrassment at his obviousness. "Well," Rafe said shyly, smiling. "I don't know about that… Always is a very long time." 

"Always," she argued, her eyes meeting his only long enough for him to know it was the truth. The construction paper finger painting was placed in her lap, and she tried to pretend she was studying the lines of green and red that a five-year-old had meant to look like flowers. A question suddenly occurred to her. "You… When you told me I was going to make a great mother someday, did you know for sure?" 

"Yes," he admitted. "It's in your destiny." 

Alison shook her head. "But you think my destiny is with Jamal, and it isn't." 

Taking her hand in his, Rafe sighed. "You think that right now, Alison, because you're upset. Jamal made some bad judgment calls because he's jealous. That doesn't mean that it is over forever between the two of you. You still have so much love for him, and that's not ever going to change." 

"Jamal is acting this way because he's jealous of you, right?" 

"Y-Yes?" His other hand slid under her chin, tilting her head up. "And I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am for that, Alison. I hate the idea of you hurting because of me." 

Finally, she had no choice but to meet his eyes again. Wetting her lips nervously, Alison forced the words to rush past her. "I thought you said that you couldn't change our destinies, Rafe. So either you were wrong about that, or you're wrong about who my destiny is. Because I know," she paused for a second, making sure he was as caught in her gaze as she was in his. "I know that I can't be meant to spend the rest of my life with Jamal. If I was… I… I wouldn't feel like this." 

He released her chin, and tried to step back only to have her keep a firm grip on his hand. Giving in, he took another tiny step closer. "How wouldn't you be feeling if you were meant to be with Jamal?" 

"It's not your fault, Rafe," she said instead of answering. Rationalizing that telling him the truth wouldn't do either of them any favors. "What happened between me and Jamal, was between me and Jamal. And yeah, he's jealous of you and I'm not willing to give up our friendship, but the choices made were ours. He decided to sleep with Valerie. He decided to hit on her and basically tell her that if she slept with him he'd consider getting her daughter back for her. Jamal decided to leave me out. And… And I decided to do what made me happy instead of just waiting for him to remember he's supposed to be in love with me." 

"And why are you telling me all of this?" 

"So that you know…" She broke off with a sigh. "So that you know that I don't hurt because of you, I don't think that I ever could. I could hurt for you, or because I'm missing you like crazy when you… go back, you know? But… I- I don't hurt when I'm with you, Rafe. It only hurts when I'm not." 

His hand returned to her face, stroking her cheek softly with his thumb. "I think," her angel murmured in response, "that we are both getting far too attached to each other. Because I really don't like the idea of ever letting you go." 

"So don't." 

"Alison," he sighed. "I don't get a choice in the matter." His eyes lowered to her lips briefly before returning to her gaze. "I wish I did, Alison. You have no idea how much." 

"I wish you'd stop trying to push me to be with Jamal. I've tried, Rafe. But I… I'm not in love with him anymore. Sometimes, I can't even stand the site of him." She bit down on her lip hopefully. "If it's really meant to be, it would happen no matter what, right?" 

"Right." 

"Ok." Sitting the picture down beside her, Alison stood, not letting him move away from her. Still holding his hand, she hugged him. "Then please just let go of what you're supposed to be doing for me and Jamal. Please? Just let things happen the way they're going to happen. Let fate decide." 

Pulling out of the embrace slightly, Rafe smiled down on her. "I'll try." 

Her fingers tangled in the back of his hair. "I guess that's the best that I can hope for," Alison said, smiling triumphantly. She tilted her head up, her lips slightly parted, and trying to pull his mouth to hers before she could talk herself out of it. 

But Rafe resisted, pausing just before he ended up kissing her again. "Alison," he whispered against her lips. 

"Am I going to get you in trouble?" 

"Oh yeah." Laughing, he nodded once. "But I think you're worth it," he decided, closing the final breath of space between their lips. 

The wind blew suddenly, sending the finger painting into the air. Rafe wrapped his arm around her waist and grabbed it before pulling her closer, never letting his lips leave hers. 


	17. Chapter 17

  
Ok, ok, there is like... no R&A in this chapter, but I promise that the next chapter will be packed full. :) It's just a short little chapter that is really kind of needed or I wouldn't have written it. Sorry to leave you hanging like I did. The next chapter will pick up where that one left off. Please let me know what you think!   
Oh! And for the record, 'Angel Boy' was ALSO not stolen from PC. That one was all mine as well. If that show wasn't filmed so far in advance... ;)   
**Part I: Chapter 17**   


"All I want to know, Livvie, is if she's in love with him! I'm not asking you to tell me anything other than that!" Lucy said quickly, rushing with her would be stepdaughter out of the Recovery Room. 

"I just don't want to feel like I'm breaking her confidence or something, Lucy, can't you understand that?" 

"Yes! Yes, yes, yes! I understand! I understand completely! But my poor little cousin is kind of falling really, really fast for this girl. I just want to know if there is any chance at all that something more might pop up out of it if he'd give it a chance!" 

"Fine." Livvie shivered when the wind blew again. Rafe was falling for Alison. Very interesting. "But you didn't hear this from me, got it?" 

The older woman held up her right hand. "Oh! Yes! Yes, cross my heart and all that other stuff!" 

"She says she's not-" 

"Well of course she says she's not you silly girl! She's totally got a boyfriend. But you're her friend, you know things, right? You see things other people might not see too clearly? I want the inside scoop, Livvie. From someone that knows how she thinks and feels and all that other stuff. Tell me what you think. Not what she said!" 

She stopped short of crossing the street, burying her gloved hands deep in the pockets of her coat. "Lucy, come on, all you have to do is see Alison when she's talking about Rafe. Anyone with half a brain can see those two are totally into each other, you know." Looking over suspiciously, Livvie sighed. "Why do you want to know, Lucy? Are you going to jump in or something? Please, please don't! Those two have it coming hard enough as it is, and you can't make it worse by trying to keep them away from each other. Promise me that you won't?" 

"Well… What do you mean by jumping in?" 

Her interest was renewed. "What are you thinking, Lucy?" 

"He's in love with her! And if she's got feelings for him but is denying it…" 

Livvie nodded. "All they need is a little push in the right direction…" 

"Which may just happen to be toward each other despite what he may think." 

"Oh… We're gonna play matchmaker?" 

"Not exactly." Lucy pulled her coat tighter around her. "See, it's not matchmaker, because they've already made the match! All we'd be doing is… helping them along a little bitty tiny bit." 

"That sounds like so much fun!" she exclaimed. "They would just be so perfect together you know? Have you _seen_ the way they look at each other?" 

"Oh yeah. Rafe and I stopped by to get coffee while Alison was working today, and they were like _thisclose_," she said, holding her index finger a millimeter above her thumb to demonstrate. "the entire time we were there!" Lucy leaned forward just a little, her voice lowering as if she was sharing a secret. "They didn't want to leave each other. Alison kissed him twice!" 

"Wh-Whoa! Lucy… Are you sure?" her eyes widened. "Because Alison and Jamal just broke up this afternoon… She _kissed_ Rafe?" 

"Oh… Well this afternoon it was just on the cheek you know. But still!" Biting down on her lip, Lucy couldn't help but giggle. "It was more than that last night from the way Rafe was acting and freaking out about it. I just had to stay and town and keep him out of trouble you know!" 

"Wait! You were going to leave town?" 

"Well, I was thinking about it until Rafe showed up saying he really needed to talk to me. And then I couldn't just leave him all by himself to try and win her, because he wouldn't. He would just let her slip right on through his fingers! He's just so clueless about love!" 

"Right," Livvie shook her head, shivering again. "Let's go over and see if my dad is in his office or not. Maybe we can plot some place warmer." 

"Oh, oh, alright." They huddled together as they started walking across the street, trying to ignore the biting cold as best they could. Lucy started talking again suddenly, "I was think-" She grabbed Livvie's arm suddenly with a gasp. "Livvie! Livvie! Look!" 

The younger girl glanced around. "What am I looking at?" 

She tried to be discreet, nodding her head back, and failing miserably. "Smooching couple, twelve o'clock," she ground out through her teeth. 

"W- Oh… OH! Lucy! Lucy! That's-" 

"I know!" she gasped again and lowered her voice. "I know!" Lucy hissed. She glanced over her shoulder, back at Livvie, then over her shoulder again. "You know… We might as well go say hi!" 

Not bothering to fight it when Lucy grabbed her hand to drag her over toward them, Livvie smiled slyly. She could almost feel her expression being mirrored on the other woman. She stood on one side of them, and Lucy across from her on the other. Suddenly, they both cleared their throats. 

"Sorry to interrupt you two love birds," Lucy chirped. "But, you know me, nosey little me. I was just wondering what exactly _this_," she motioned at the two of them. "means… exactly." 


	18. Chapter 18

  
**Part I: Chapter 18**   


This was nice. Really nice. No, better than nice. Leaps, bounds, hops, skips, jumps, and a few more leaps beyond nice. This was… Heaven, Alison thought, unable to keep herself from smiling just slightly with her lips pressed firmly against her angel's. A small sigh escaped her, content, happy, whatever. She liked this… a lot. Her mouth opened more under his. 

And surprisingly enough, instead of backing off, he took the invitation for what it was and deepened the kiss. 

His tongue slipped past her lips to dance with hers. The dance fell into an easy rhythm, sexy and slow. Hard and tender, and simply breathtakingly easy. Kissing him was something she never wanted to get used to. But she wouldn't mind seeing how many hundreds of thousands of millions of times she could kiss him before it stopped shaking her entire world. Not that she ever wanted her world to stop shaking when he touched her. 

Alison moaned quietly, arching her back in pleasure, pressing her body more fully against his. Whatever innocence that may have remained in the kiss was lost at that moment. And neither minded in the slightest, though both did seem to notice. 

He pulled back only slightly, knowing that this had to end. Unfortunately. Rafe couldn't help but smile as well when she dug her fingers into his hair more, not allowing him to break the kiss like they both knew they should. "Alison," he murmured, somehow transforming her name into a warning neither would or wanted to heed. Rafe sighed and claimed her lips once more. 

His fingertips were feather light against the small of her back. The light blue cotton was soft under his fingers, but he'd be willing to bet, it wasn't nearly as soft as _she_ would be. A sudden desire to slide his hand under the sweater to prove to himself that her skin was as soft as he knew it would be was pushed aside. Despite the lightness of his touch, it kept her in place, right up against him. Alison was sure she could feel her skin burning under his hand, begging for the thin material of her sweater to be cast aside and shoved out of the way. 

They both jumped back slightly at the sound of two people _very_ close clearing their voices. The noises tore them apart harshly, much to their disliking. 

Alison glared at her slyly smiling friend, silently cursing her for interrupting. Her gloved fingers were brought up to her lips, and she hung her head to end up in very much the same position she had been in a little less than twenty-four hours ago. She wasn't feeling guilty, or sorry, just cold, empty, her skin still tingled where his hand had laid. And she found herself wondering just what it would take to get them to go away. A smile took over her features once more, and thankfully her hair hid her face from view. 

"Sorry to interrupt you two love birds," Lucy chirped. "But, you know me, nosey little me. I was just wondering what exactly _this_," she motioned at the two of them. "means… exactly." 

She tried, she honestly tried not to, but she couldn't help it. Alison giggled. "W-What do you… What are you talking about, Lucy?" Her words kept being cut off by her laughter, and when she finally raised her eyes, her teeth biting her bottom lip to hold back a smile and failing, she saw the expression mirrored in her angel. 

Neither could hold back their laughter when their eyes met. One thought rang through the air between them. _Busted_. It was amazing how little they cared. 

Livvie joined them eventually, finding the joyous sound contagious. Lucy just smiled knowingly and wiped away the smudge lipstick from her cousin's face. "No, no, laughing isn't going to get you out of answering me you know. I just kind of think you should tell me why it is you're lips end up all over each other everytime you get near each other. Is that really such a- No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Stop laughing! What's so funny anyway? I- Would you answer me? Please, please, please favorite cousin of mine?" 

Rafe finally managed to control his laughter, though he still wore that same silly grin he couldn't seem to rid himself of around Alison. "N-Nothing, Lucy." 

"Oh? Nothing? Well you know what? I don't buy that." 

"Neither do I," Livvie chimed in. 

Alison shrugged her shoulders. "Neither do we," she said, speaking for her angel as well. 

"But," Rafe said. "Nothing is the best answer you two are getting." 

"Oh, no, no! I don't think so! I think you're going to tell us just how close you two really are if you get what I mean." 

"How close…" Livvie raised her eyebrows and shook her head firmly. "Lucy, no! They aren't _sleeping_ together." Her eyes swept over to the angel. "Right?" 

"Right!" he agreed, speaking at the same time that Alison did. 

Lucy waved off the answer. "Oh, whatever. Livvie, they are like two cute little magnets that are just drawn to each other! It's so adorable!" 

Rafe tugged on his ear. "Weren't you the one telling me to stay far, far away from her just this afternoon? Now it's _adorable_?" 

"Well, yes." Brushing her hair back, Lucy gave Alison an apologetic smile. "No offense, but really, you did have a boyfriend." 

"Boy," Alison laughed nervously. "News travels fast in this town." 

Livvie rubbed her hands together to keep them warm. "I wasn't going to lie to her, Ally." 

"Why was she _asking_?" Rafe asked, turning to look at his cousin's overly innocent face suspiciously. "Lucy…" 

"Well… I just wanted to know! Who better to ask than Alison's best friend, who by the way, really didn't answer the question I wanted to know the very, very mostest. Well, I guess she did in a round about sort of way, but, I mean, now I don't _need _her to tell me because I know! I see it for myself and the two of you together, it just answered my own question. So, thank you, Livvie, but I don't need you to tell me anymore. Because I know. You were right. Anyone with even just a half of a brain can see it clear as a bell!" 

Alison cocked her head to the side, turning her gaze quickly to Rafe. "What is she talking about?" 

"I don't think we want to know," he answered. 

"I'm just saying that it's so obvious you two are-" 

"Lucy," Livvie said a little too loudly to cut her off. "Lucy, these two are obviously really good friends and nothing more. And maybe we should respect their privacy and not ask what kind of friends can kiss each other all they want and then blow it off as if it means nothing at all. Let's just leave them alone, Lucy." 

"W- But…. Why?" Finally she caught the look that was being sent to her by her new partner in crime. "Oh. Oh! Yes. You are absolutely, right, Livvie. We'll just leave them alone about it, because I know that I wouldn't want Rafe here questioning me about Doc or anything, and I'm sure that you wouldn't want Alison digging into your business with Jack." 

"Um, excuse me?" Alison raised her hand slightly, looking between the two of them in confusion. "That's no where _near_ the same thing. Rafe and I are not a couple, and we never have been." 

"And we never will be." 

She fought of a frown at his words. "Right. So… See, comparing us to you and Kevin or Livvie and Jack is just so not right. Because it's not like that between us. We're just friends, and that's the end of it." 

"Friends that keep _kissing _each other," Lucy reminded her. 

"Well… Ok, so we probably shouldn't do that…" 

"But you just can't seem to help yourselves," Livvie offered. "Don't worry Alison, we get it." 

"Oh boy do we get it," the older of the three women agreed. "We've so been there and done that a few times, haven't we, Livvie." 

"More than a few I think," she laughed nervously in agreement. Taking a step back, she motioned for Lucy to follow her. "Well, we were just going to go and see if my dad was in his office or not, so we'll let you two get back to… whatever." 

Lucy nodded. "Right! So… ta!" 

She started walking after Livvie only to be stopped by Rafe grabbing her arm. "You know what, Lucy? I don't think so. You're not going anywhere until you tell me what you are up to." 

Gasping, Lucy feigned insult. "I am not up to anything!" 

"Lucy," Alison said gently. "You and Livvie are kind of being a little see through with those looks. So, you know, just… You aren't planning anything really horrible are you?" 

"We haven't planned anything!" Livvie informed them firmly, holding onto the one truth they still had in their favor. Stepping back toward them, she tugged on Lucy's sleeve and Rafe released her. "I'll make sure she doesn't pull anything really crazy. Don't worry." 

"Don't worry?" 

Livvie pushed Lucy behind her, urging her to go ahead. "Nope. Don't worry about a thing. I'll keep a really close eye on her and won't let her pull anything crazy." 

The blond girl sighed. "Fine, but I want to talk to you later, Livvie, alright?" 

"Yeah! I'll call you. Oh! Or you know what? Are you working tomorrow?" 

"Opening. You want to have lunch?" 

"Sounds perfect. We'll see ya." 

"See ya," Rafe muttered. 

"Ta!" Lucy called back to them. 

Alison turned back to her angel. "What do you think it is?" 

"With Lucy there's no telling. Hopefully it's nothing I can't fix." 

"We," Alison corrected, grabbing his hand and tugging him along behind her on her way across the street. "Hopefully it's nothing we can't fix. Sorry, Angel Boy, but you're stuck with me now. We're a team." 

"Just as long as you know it's not going to be easy. Lucy's going crazy over the whole thing with Kevin." 

"Well, then _we_ will just have to handle it and play damage control. From now on, we're in this together. Think you can handle that?" 

His smile was just a little more charming than he knew. "I know I can." 


	19. Chapter 19

  
**Part I: Chapter 19**   


Alison paused, her blood suddenly rushing quicker through her veins as she turned to face him. "Well, you say that now, but you've never really been stuck with me for days on end, and I bet… I bet you would go crazy before twenty-four hours was completely up, you know? I'm a very hard person to handle." 

"You have a point." His eyes raked over her, and surprisingly enough, he didn't blush when it became clear that she noticed. "Twenty-four hours straight with you may be a little hard to handle." 

"Yeah… It would be _very_ hard to handle." Although she could recommend a few things they could do to pass the time. She blushed, her cheeks actually flamed at the thoughts that were running through her. Rafe wet his lips, and the smoldering look her gave her left no doubt in her mind that he could still taste her there. She followed his lead, her tongue darting out to lick her lips. "We'd drive each other crazy." 

"Absolutely up the wall," he agreed, taking a small step forward and tugging her back to him with the hand she still held onto tightly. "Why are we talking about spending twenty-four hours straight with no one but the two of us, Alison?" 

She closed off the small space between them and tipped her head back. "I don't know," Alison whispered. 

"Then maybe we should change the topic?" His free hand returned to the small of her back, burning through all the layers she wore to set her skin on fire. Rafe frowned lightly when she shivered. "Cold?" 

"Not exactly," she admitted, smiling at his honest concern. "Wanna come in and have some hot chocolate or something? I promise not to con you into helping me bake anything else." 

"Sounds like fun." Rafe brushed his lips across hers just briefly then broke the contact between them. 

Pouting, Alison took his hand once more. She decided that a change in topic was _very_ necessary. "Beware, Valerie may still be in there." 

Shrugging, he squeezed her hand. "You did a good thing letting her stay with you." 

Alison turned back around to face him, the key in her hand and her back quickly against the door when she realized how close he was. How close she was keeping him. Her other hand still didn't let his go. "It was really a selfish thing," she confessed. "I've never really lived by myself before, and I can't really handle alone _and_ quiet, so… We both know that Valerie isn't quiet right?" 

"Right," he laughed. "Still, I think maybe you're starting to get along with her… just a little bit." 

"No way!" 

"You seemed pretty friendly earlier. Strictly from the observers point of view." 

"We… understand certain things about each other that maybe we didn't before. But we aren't friends. And I still don't like her." 

Rafe nodded. "Ok." 

"What? Ok? Just like that? You aren't going to argue with me?" 

Again he shrugged. "I think you know how you feel better than I do, Alison." 

She patted his cheek playfully. "You're learning! I'm so proud." 

His smile would not be masked. "You're a pretty good teacher, I guess." 

"You know what?" Alison asked, hooking her arm through his and unlocking the door at the same time. "If you keep acting so perfect, I may just not let them have you back." She sighed as she flipped on the lights, glancing around the apartment to find the boxes and suitcases gone. "Valerie?" she called, stepping more into the room and taking off her gloves as she went. Trying to shove them in her pocket, she noticed for the first time the paper that was there. "Oh my gosh! I forgot all about this!" 

Pulling out the finger painting she grinned at her angel. "You're the best." 

"Oh, I know," he joked, rolling his eyes. 

"You are! Thank you." She put her gloves in her pockets and slipped out of her coat. "Valerie?" she called again. "Are you here?" 

"Doesn't look like it," Rafe answered. Handing her the note that caught his site, unsure who it was from. 

"Thank you," she chirped, taking the piece of paper from his hand. "Dear Alison… blah, blah, blah, thanks again for the offer, blah, blah, blah, Jamal left his key on the bed, blah, blah, blah… Ah! I'm working an extra shift tonight, I'll be in late and just wanted to let you know." Looking up she smiled at her angel and tossed the note into the nearest wastebasket. "I guess that answers that doesn't it?" 

"Uh huh…" Tilting his head, Rafe studied her carefully. "You're really ok about all of this?" 

"Yeah, totally! I mean, Valerie can be a pain, you know, but maybe she just needs to get her head on straight or something. I think she's finally starting to see… Maybe she'll learn from my mistakes and not base her entire life around a- What? Why are you looking at me like that?" 

Alison sighed in confusion when he didn't answer and made her way to the kitchen. Opening the painting that was folded in half, she hung it on the refrigerator. Stepping back, she grinned at it again proudly. Would this be what it was like hanging pictures her own kids drew her? When did she start thinking of kids of her own? She shook the thought from her mind before she could answer herself and grabbed a teakettle to fill with water. Pausing, she turned back to him, sitting the kettle back down. "That's not what you were talking about is it?" 

He threw is coat over the back of the sofa before walking toward her. Putting his elbows on the counter he leaned forward, and she mimicked the pose opposite of him. "No, but considering how long it took you to figure it out, I'd say you're going to live." 

"I could have told you that, Angel Boy." Sighing, she slumped a little more on the counter. "I'm not heartbroken, my life didn't just end, and my world didn't stop spinning. I'm going to live, and maybe I'm even going to learn a thing or two, you know? I need to not have everything that I do wrapped up in him. I need to make up my mind on what's best for me, I need to decided what I want, and I need to do what I need and want." 

"I couldn't agree more." 

"You can actually understand that?" Alison paused and laughed at herself. "Of course you do. You always understand what I mean." 

"It's just too bad I can't read your mind." 

Laughing, Alison hid her face in her hands. "Are you kidding? It's a _very_ good thing you can't read my mind. I'd have sent you running in the other direction _so _long ago if you could." 

"I highly doubt that. I just wish I knew what you were thinking sometimes, that's all. I can see the wheels turning almost, but I don't know what it is that's going through your mind. There, see? Something I don't know about you." 

She blushed, remembering the question she had asked yesterday in passing. Had it been anyone else she would have been surprised they remembered. "Tell you what, if you just ask, I'll try to tell you. As long as I'm not thinking anything really horrible." 

"Now see," he laughed. "I don't think you _could_ think anything horrible." 

"You'd be really surprised," Alison whispered. Shaking her head, she stood up straight. "Like, for instance, my ex didn't enter my mind until brought up. You seem to be thinking about him more than I am." 

"Is it denial, or are you really just ok with it?" 

"I'm really just ok with it, but I'm not supposed to be. I shouldn't be! But I am. So can we drop it, please?" 

"Consider it dropped." He stood as well, putting his hands on her shoulders, he lead her toward the couch. "But, you look tired." 

"I am," she confessed. "I just… I haven't really been able to sleep lately. I'm just… restless or something, you know." 

"Ah, well then, you've come to the right place." 

"Oh, I have?" she laughed. "And tell me, why is that?" 

Sitting her down, he knelt before her and unlaced her boots, pulling them off of her feet. "I don't know what it is," he grinned, "maybe I'm just _really _boring. But there was this story I used to tell my insomniac sister-" 

"You have a sister?" 

He paused, his smile dropping only slightly. "Yeah… I'm not supposed to…" 

"Rafe, come on, I think you've already broken the rules here, buddy. Is she older or younger?" 

"Younger- by five minutes. She used to tell me I acted like it was five years." 

"Well, you do strike me as the over protective type of big brother." Alison smiled at him, her hand resting on his cheek when a shadow fell over his expression and he looked away. "Oh, Rafe, I'm sorry… I didn't mean to-" 

"It's ok," the angel replied, shaking the thoughts away and taking her hand. "Don't apologize." 

Alison bit down on her lip, shifting to be just a little closer to him. "You must miss her like crazy. She's your twin after all." 

"I'd been told all my life that she was the other half of me, you know?" His smile was one of bitter remembrance, and his eyes seemed to glow with something she couldn't pinpoint. "I got the good, she got the bad. She hated that, and I think a part of her hated me. But it was established probably the minute we were born what was going to happen, and it did. Our mother pushed her one way, our father pushed me the other… It wasn't easy. We loved each other like mad, we still do, you know? But there's always going to be a part of each of us that can't stand to be in the same room as the other." 

"You didn't have to tell me all of that," Alison murmured softly, her other hand moving to curl itself in the back of his hair. 

"I know. I guess I just wanted to." Clearing his throat, he moved to sit beside her. "But, we aren't supposed to talk about me. You need sleep." 

She sighed. "Yes, I'll give you that, angel boy." Grabbing one of the pillows, she placed it in his lap, then laid her head down and smiled up at him. "You'll stay for a little while?" 

Rafe laughed, sliding his fingers into her hair. "I'll stay as long as you want me to, Alison." 

Great! Let's start with forever. Alison giggled, turning on her side to settle in. "You really think you can put me to sleep?" 

"It helps if you close your eyes and stop talking," Rafe grinned. Pulling a blanket off the back of the sofa and covering her with it. "Now, keep in mind it's been a while since I've done this! I'm a little rusty…" 

"Bring it on, Angel Boy." 

"You've got to stop calling me that," he laughed. 

"Oh, and why's that?" 

"Is this what you thought I meant by not talking?" 

"Bossy," she mumbled, shutting her eyes again. 

"Yeah, I know. Hush." That same rhythm he'd found of stroking her hair was found again, repeated over and over. It was easy to tell that she was already sliding off into unconsciousness. "Too bad there isn't really a story," he mumbled. "The trick is just finding a way to keep you still for five minutes… It never fails either." 

Rafe could do nothing but watch her as she relaxed more and more, he didn't _want_ to do anything but watch her. "Goodnight, Alison." Her breathing was deep and even, and he could tell the moment that she was out. "You gotta stop calling me that… because," he whispered. "I don't feel very angelic around you." 

---   
    **Ok, I'm getting a head of myself here, but Rafe is getting a past darn it! I'm taking all the surprise out of it, but that's alright isn't it? I've already got a squeal going in my head even though I'm not even halfway through with this one, so please just bear with me here, pretty please. Another big thanks to those that have supported me, and I hope you continue to enjoy the story. Let me know if I need to scrap the idea please?**


	20. Chapter 20

  
**Part I: Chapter 20**   


Her eyelids fluttered while she dreamt. Her lips had formed into a smile, so it had to be a good dream. But of what he didn't know. Alison was anything from restless as she slept, maybe he'd expected tossing and turning, but she didn't. And she'd probably feel it when she woke up. 

Actually, it was almost scary to see how still she was. Alison was bubbly, full of life and energy, and very rarely did she spend long periods of time without moving. It occurred to him, she must really need this rest. The quick comment she'd made about boxing cookies around dawn hadn't slipped by him, though he did let it slide at the time. She'd told him that she hasn't been able to sleep _lately_. Something was obviously bothering her, otherwise she should have been able to sleep. It was really very simple logic. What wasn't simple was figuring out what exactly it was that was bothering her. 

Jamal was his first guess, but she seemed so sure that it wasn't upsetting her enough. Alison – for all she knew – had just lost the most important person in the world to her this afternoon. She'd shoved him out of her life, called it quits, and said with such conviction that she was through with Jamal that he almost believed it. If only he didn't see a tiny flicker of something in her eyes when she thought he wasn't looking, he may actually buy into the act that she wasn't hurting. 

Maybe she really bought into the act. Maybe Alison had somehow convinced herself that she _didn't_ feel anything about dumping Jamal. It wasn't completely unheard of. You tell a lie enough times, you start to believe it's real yourself. You call yourself something else for so long, it becomes your name. But – he'd never heard of being able to focus on one emotion so long that you didn't feel any other way. 

In fact it worked just the opposite from what he'd learned. You don't pretend to be happy them wake up one day and realize your really are. You pretend to be happy, you fake a smile all the time, you force your voice to stay light, you even laugh at all the right times – it still doesn't make you happy. Years could pass, and until you made an effort to change, you were still just miserable and playing the part. 

Rafe shook his head and smiled bitterly. Apparently he'd learned a thing or two before he was old enough to block them all out. When had he forgotten to forget all of that? 

Ignoring the thought, he turned his attention back to her. The smile still played on her lips, but her eyelids had stopped their fluttering. Her breathing was deep and even. What little makeup she had been wearing had faded away long ago, leaving only tiny traces behind. And he'd never seen her look more beautiful than she did at this moment. Completely relaxed, and free of anything that made him think she was wearing a mask to hide from the world. 

It was one of those amazing little things he thought he'd never have the privilege of seeing for himself. 

His hand had long ago moved from her hair, first to her shoulder, then to her hip. It wasn't a conscious movement, just a little something that seemed to happen when he wasn't paying attention. Having no control over his actions was something he'd have to get used to, because she wasn't giving up any of the power she held over him, even in sleep. The only thing worse than the fact that she could get him to do just about anything had to be that she didn't even realize it. 

Of course, how she didn't see was an all out mystery to him. He was sure it was written in everything he did. Screamed in every look, whispered through every touch, repeated again and again whenever he spoke. It underlined his every thought and movement, searching for a way out despite his best efforts to bury it. He loved her. More than she could ever understand. He loved her. And it was getting harder and harder by the minute not to let her know. 

Rafe sighed and raised his eyes toward the doorway when he heard the jingle of keys. He moved his hand, away from her hip and back to her shoulder, before it started anything else. All she needed was someone else ragging on her about their friendship. Besides, he wouldn't want to screw things up further between her and Jamal, or give anyone else the ammunition to kill whatever was left between Alison and her love. 

Valerie was quiet as she entered, obviously trying to keep from waking Alison just in case she happened to be asleep, she waved at him from across the room and closed the door again. She sat her purse down and removed her coat silently. "I see you finally got her to sleep," she whispered, pausing as she walked by. 

"Finally?" 

"I could hear her up most of last night. And before that too, really. I can't remember the last time I woke up and she was actually sleeping." 

He nodded, knowing it only confirmed what he already knew. "She needed sleep." 

"Badly," Valerie informed him. "Jamal is a pretty deep sleeper, I don't think he so much as blinked when she was moving around at all night long. He probably didn't even notice. I don't know what it is, but Jamal has just been so wrapped up in everything else, he didn't pay attention to what she needed. I mean, I'm a pretty deep sleeper too, but even I can hear her up sometimes. It's probably been weeks since she actually stayed still for more than an hour." 

No, she was still yesterday. But that was none of her business. "I could tell." 

Shrugging, Valerie peeked over the back of the couch to get a better look. "How did you actually manage to get her to sleep? Did you have to tie her down or something, cause she was _not_ sitting still last night." 

"Pretty much," the angel murmured. "Do you know what it is that's been wrong? She swears it's not everything with Jamal and…" 

"If you don't know, I'm not going to be the one to tell you, Rafe. It's not my place, and she's been nice to me lately, I won't return the favor by spilling what I know. I don't think she meant to 'fess up about it in the first place anyway. Especially since I was here." She shrugged her shoulders again and let out an exaggerated sigh as she made her way into the kitchen. "Of course, it's not like Alison has even admitted it to herself yet, so she really wouldn't want you to know." 

"If she hasn't admitted _it_ to herself, how could she tell you?" he asked dryly. 

"She didn't tell me, she slipped in front of me and Livvie." Opening the fridge, she pulled out the milk, pouring it into a glass before she spoke again. "We wore her down, I think. She was really just getting sick of dodging the question we _weren't_ asking, so she answered it. Just not with her words." She returned the milk to its proper place, then paused when something caught her eye. A finger painting? 

"Ok, so you just… guessed, basically?" 

A quiet laugh escaped her. "Alison is amazingly easy to read when she's talking about you. I don't know her very well, and I could see it. So how neither of you know I don't get. Sorry, pal." 

"Me?" 

Again she laughed. "You're really clueless, Rafe. Just watch her. It's there, it's obvious. Everyone else sees it, so I don't know why the two of you don't." Valerie tilted her head. "I think she's starting to figure it out, though. I think she's starting to see how _she_ feels. Livvie had something to that whole _denial_ theory…" 

Rafe shook his head in confusion. "**What** are you talking about?" 

"If you don't know I'm not going to tell you," Valerie teased. He could hear her moving around, walking toward the bed as she spoke. "There, I pulled the blankets back in there, so if you want to just put her in bed you can." 

"Yeah," Rafe nodded. "I will… In a minute." 

Valerie walked in front of him, smiling. "Whatever," she muttered rolling her eyes. "Just don't stay like that all night, neither one of you will be able to move in the morning." Pausing, she took a sip of her milk. "I'm going to bed. Do yourself a favor and think about what I said." 

"Oh, I'm sure I will," he smiled sarcastically. "Goodnight." 

"Goodnight," Valerie muttered in reply, walking off. 

Right, so she answered nothing. In fact, she gave him more questions. Like what the hell that entire conversation was about to begin with. Since when did Alison not know how she felt? How could she answer a question that wasn't being asked? What kind of _slip _could lead to that weird encounter? And what were they doing talking about _him_? 

Rafe sighed. "Alison," he whispered before he could back out, the hand that had somehow returned to her hip without his permission, shook her slightly. "Alison," Rafe repeated. 

"Rafe," she murmured sleepily. "What?" 

"You need to go to get into bed-" 

"No," Alison groaned, her hand moving to wrap around his knee when she sensed him starting to move. "I'm comfortable." 

He had to laugh at her stubbornness, she still hadn't opened her eyes. "Well you'll be more comfortable in bed. I promise." 

"But I don't wanna," she pouted, still probably more than a little asleep. 

Lifting the pillow her head was rested on, he gently slid out from under her, bringing another groan and a deeper pout. Again, he had to laugh. Gently, he took her hands and laced them together behind his neck. "Just hold on to me, ok?" he asked, slipping one arm under her knees and the other around her back. "I won't drop you," Rafe promised. 

"I know," Alison sighed tiredly, her head resting on his shoulder as he lifted her. "You won't drop me. I trust you." 

"Well that's good." Walking carefully so as not to jostle her too much, Rafe tried not to admit he was savoring the feeling of her in his arms. 

"But," she yawned, burying her face more into the crook of his neck. "I don't know if you're going to catch me." 

Laying her on the bed, he pulled the blankets up around her, tucking them in loosely. "I don't need to catch you. You didn't fall. You're never going to fall." 

"Nope." Alison yawned again, her eyes still not opening to meet his, and rolled over onto her side. "I'm already falling, Rafe." 

"Yeah," he muttered, smiling. "falling asleep." Before he could stop himself, his lips brushed her forehead. "Goodnight, Alison. Sweet dreams." 

"They have been so far," she replied. 

"I'll see you in the morning," Rafe laughed. "Go back to sleep." 

"I am asleep. Me, my sweet dreams… and my angel." 


	21. Chapter 21

  
Another chapter free of R&A for the most part. I promise that it will all make sense eventually. It's not filler, it's needed. :) Once again, thank you for the feedback.   
**Part I: Chapter 21**   


Valerie shivered, pulling on her robe as she padded across the room barefoot. The morning air was chilly, and she couldn't seem to remember with the cobwebs still in her brain where the thermostat was to turn up the heat. And anyway, she had more important things to do right now. Like answer the phone. 

"Hello," she answered groggily, picking up the cordless as she made her way across the room to see if her roommate was still sleeping. She was. 

_"Valerie? Hey… This is Livvie. Can I talk to Alison?"_

"Um… Is it important? She's still asleep…" 

_"Oh, well then don't wake her up. It's not life or death or anything. I figured she'd be up though. She has the opening shift."_

"Should I wake her up?" 

_"No. Don't! She actually went to sleep? What did you have to do? Drug her?"_

Laughing, Valerie sat herself on the sofa, she made sure to keep her voice low. "Nope. I thought about it, but I didn't get the chance. I came in last night and she was asleep on the couch all curled up on her angel." 

_"What?!"_

Valerie held the phone away from her ear while the other girl shrieked. Once it sounded clear, she continued the conversation. "Yeah, her head was in Rafe's lap, and she was **out**. And neither one of them seemed to like the idea of moving much. I don't know what he did, I just know that she hadn't been up since then. You know how she was when you were here, she's been like that for at least two weeks, so she needs the sleep." 

_"Yeah, I could tell that she did… I can't believe that she went to sleep in his lap after the way we found them outside the hospital… I would have thought sleeping was the last thing on her mind," Livvie giggled._

"You know, I don't think I want to know." 

_"Oh, yes you do. But I can't tell you just yet. I've got to go really quick. Are you up?"_

"I am now." 

_"Good. I'll call you back after Jack goes to the bike shop. It shouldn't be very long. Why don't you turn off the ringer on the phone by the bed. If we're going to plot we need to do it while she's asleep right?"_

"Yeah… I'll do that, but what are we plotting?" 

_"Oh, I can't tell you that right now either. I'll talk to you in a few minutes."_

"Alright… I'll talk to you later then." Hanging up the phone, she sighed. What was going on here? Why were they suddenly being nice to her? Including her? 

Shaking her head, Valerie sighed. Nope, she wasn't going to screw it up anymore. She's just roll with it. If Alison was going to be nice to her, she could be nice to Alison. And if Livvie wanted her help with some plot, then she might as well lend a hand. Right? Doesn't everyone need a friend? 

She trudged silently to follow the instructions left by Livvie and turn off the ringer of the phone beside Alison's bed. She really did need sleep anyway. Her blond hair was spread across her pillow, and she was snoring softly. What was it about this woman that had two men head over heels in love with her? 

The ringer was off, and so she went off in search of coffee and the thermostat. It was way too cold in this place, and way to early to do anything thinking without caffeine in her system. 

It wasn't until the heater was on that she allowed herself to start looking for the coffee. After checking all the cabinets twice, she decided that Alison obviously wasn't a big coffee drinker. She sighed again and decided to settle for orange juice. 

But she paused with her hand on the handle to open the door, her attention was more caught on the finger painting hanging there. It was obviously done by a child, a small child, just four or five. Something done with love and more concentration than more children that age were capable of. Simple, little flowers were drawn across the paper, red and green marks. Not to mention the grass. It was unimaginably cute. 

And it was hanging on Alison's refrigerator. Like a picture from her daughter would never be hanging on hers. 

Valerie let out a shaky breath. She wasn't going to get Hope back, and she wasn't going to keep trying. It hurt like hell to let go, but she'd made the right choice when she gave her up for adoption. The Hartman's would take great care of her. And they were the only parents her little girl knew. Alison was right about that. 

It was also becoming increasingly clear that Alison wasn't joking. If she wanted Jamal, the blond wouldn't put up a fight. But did she want him by default? Did she want him at all? 

The phone rang, and she answered it before it had a chance to ring again. "Hello?" 

_"Valerie, it's me again. Listen, do you want to help or not?"_

"Help with what, Livvie? I don't understand." 

_"Rafe and Alison, of course! Oh… You know… You aren't going to go running to tell Jamal are you?"_

"No. I'm not. I don't think I'll be doing a lot of talking to Jamal at all if I can help it." 

_"Right. I knew you weren't very happy with him either after he used your daughter to hit on you. I'm sure he's just going through some rough stuff right now, but that's not what we're talking about! I think you can help us, you're living with Alison now, you know?"_

"Yeah… Sure. Just tell me what to do. I assume it's not going to be as easy as just hitting them upside the head until the open their eyes?" 

_"Unfortunately, no. We tried that last night."_

"Who is we? You and Jack?" 

_"Jack? No! No, Jack can't know. Jack will try to stop us. Jack and Jamal are way too tight. Lucy actually has a plan. I'm still not sure what it is, but three heads are better than two right?"_

"Yeah. Besides, they'd be a lot less suspicious of **me** trying to play matchmaker than the two of you." 

_"Which is exactly what I told Lucy. Alison is still asleep?"_

"Oh yeah, very asleep." 

_"Ok, let her stay that way. I'll call Frank and tell him she's not coming in… Oh! I just got a brilliant idea. Can you meet me and Lucy for breakfast someplace in an hour?"_

"Sure," Valerie shrugged. "I don't have anything better to do. What's the plan?" 

_"I'll tell you later. Right now, I just want you to turn the ringer back on her phone and trust me. Alright? I'll make sure she doesn't think I'm setting anything up. We can go over what we're going to do at breakfast. Is that ok?"_

"Yeah, that's fine… I'll just turn the ringer back on her phone then." 

_"Good! Meet us at Kelly's around nine. This is going to be so great!"_


	22. Chapter 22

  
**Part I: Chapter 22**   


The shrill ringing next to her ear made her frown. It interrupted a perfectly good dream and tired, unsuccessfully thus far, to yank her back into the land on the living. It was like one of those stupid sequences in movies where the main character hears their name being called again and again only to wake and find it was someone attempting to pull them from a nightmare. 

But the ringing wasn't the alarm clock. Even with her eyes firmly closed she knew it wasn't the alarm clock. A slap of her hand against the snooze button wouldn't shut this up. It was the phone. And she highly doubted that she wanted to answer it at this hour. Although, she couldn't be sure what hour it was exactly. All she knew for sure, was that it was in the middle of a dream she'd rather have not had interrupted. Although confession to what that dream was about would have to wait until later… Much later. 

Groaning, she turned her head, burying it deeper into the pillow, still unsuccessful at blocking the noise and returning to dreamland. How many more times before they gave up? Shouldn't they have realized by now that she was in a sleep so deep nothing could penetrate it - or would if she has any sort of say in the matter at all. 

Finally it stopped. The whirl of the answering machine caught her attention though she wouldn't admit to being awake enough for **anything** to catch her attention. 

_"Hey! This is Alison and Jamal! We're not here so leave a message after the beep and we'll get back to you just as soon as we can!"_

She heard her chipper voice, and was tempted to send the damn thing crashing to the floor. And what was with all that 'we' crap? Jamal wasn't there, his voice wasn't heard. Just hers. Was she really so wrapped up inside of her perfect happy little life with Jamal that she lost her right to be an individual? Alison made a mental note to change that sometime today. 

_"Alison, this is Frank. It's a little past eight, and you're about an hour late. I'm calling to see if something is wrong, or if maybe you just slept in. I know it's unlike you to be late. Just let me know when you get this message. I hope you're alright. If you need some time off, just let me-"_

Well damn. "Frank?" Alison asked, picking up the receiver and bringing it to her ear. "Yeah, I'm so sorry. I just forgot to set the alarm, I guess." Rolling onto her back, she finally opened her eyes to glare up at the white ceiling. "I'm so sorry… No, no, everything is fine. Really. I just fell asleep without setting the alarm." 

_"Just stay put then, Alison. You looked pretty worn down yesterday, so you need all the sleep you can get. So far it's slow here. If we need you I'll call."_

"No, no… It's alright. I can…" 

_"Just go back to sleep, Alison," he laughed. "I told you, we're slow so far today anyway. You can work an extra shift tomorrow to make up for it. Ok?"_

"Deal," she said tiredly. "Thanks." 

_"No thanks needed. You're the one covering for me tomorrow night. I'll talk to you later."_

"Bye," Alison mumbled quickly and hung up the phone. Rolling onto her side once more, she pulled the blankets up over her head and clutched a pillow to her chest. With her eyes tightly shut, she tried to return back to her dream. But her mind had woken up it seemed, with a different plan and half a million questions. 

Like how did she end up in bed anyway? 

Sunshine was bright, and in her eyes despite the fact that she was hiding inside of her bed. It tried to lure her out, pleaded with her to open her eyes and start the day – but she refused. Her eyes remained tightly shut, and she forced herself not to wiggle despite how uncomfortable she was quickly becoming. This was the last time she fell asleep in jeans. 

Alison giggled in spite of herself. Not that she completely minded falling asleep on Rafe. He must have put her in bed sometime after that. Although, she was pretty sure he stayed a while. He probably wouldn't have left her alone, and he _did_ promise to stay as long as she wanted. Her eyes opened only slightly. Of course, that hadn't happened, because he wasn't still here. Was he? 

No, she answered herself. Rafe wasn't here. She'd know it if he was, somehow, she just knew she could feel it if he were here. 

"Alison?" Valerie asked, stepping toward the bed cautiously. "Are you still asleep?" 

"I'm trying to be," came the muffled reply. 

Laughing, she shook her wet head. "Ok. Sorry. I was in the shower or I would have gotten the phone." 

Alison sighed. "That's ok." She pulled the blankets off of her head and sat up, running a hand through her messy hair, trying to attempt to tame it. A glance at the clock gave the time as 8:20 in the morning. "What time did you get in last night?" 

"Pretty late, close to midnight." Valerie shrugged. "What time did Rafe finally put you in bed and leave?" 

"I was just wondering the same thing… I mean, I knew he said he'd stay a little while… He was still here when you got in?" 

"Yeah, I don't guess it was too long after that when he left. I was beat, so I pretty much went straight to bed. But you were out of it, you looked pretty comfy, you know?" 

"I did?" she asked quickly… too quickly not to sound slightly horrified. "He… Rafe was probably just afraid to move me… he was probably just afraid of waking me up. I… I really shouldn't have fallen asleep on him like that and asked him to stay and-" 

"Alison," the other woman interrupted with a sigh. "Rafe didn't seem to like the idea of moving you much when I mentioned it, ok? And I don't think it was because he was afraid of waking you up. He seemed pretty comfy too, alright?" 

"Really?" Alison cringed at the sound of hopefulness in her own voice. 

Valerie laughed again. "Really. Calm down. The guy isn't going to complain about you falling asleep with your head in his lap anytime this century." Walking off, she continued to mumble, "you both have to be either really dense or _really_ deep in that whole denial thing, because how neither of you see it is a complete mystery to me." 

"Oh, and please inform me, Valerie, just what aren't we seeing?" 

"Don't bitch at me, Alison. I'm just speaking the truth, and you _obviously_ need to hear it from someone." Turning on her heel, she planted her hands on her hips. "I don't get it. Why can neither of you see how you feel about each other! It's so clear to everyone else…" 

"**What** are you talking about?" Alison asked with pure exasperation. It was way to early and way too soon after waking up to do this. 

"See? You're making my point for me here, Ally. Rafe said the same thing last night! You two are both hopeless!" She threw her hands up slightly in frustration. "I quit. Let Livvie work on trying to pry your eyes open, it's obviously not going to work with me holding the crowbar." 

Sitting up, the blond rubbed her forehead in frustration, trying to ease the steady ache that was forming. "You're not making any sense here, Val. I happen to know _exactly_ how I feel about Rafe. So don't try to open my eyes to-" 

"I know that you know how you feel about him," the other girl sighed. "And it's pretty clear that he knows exactly how he feels about you. And that just makes watching this even more frustrating! You just need to open your eyes to how he _obviously_ feels about you, Alison." 

"We're just friends, Valerie." 

"Uh huh," she said disbelievingly, crossing her arms in front of her. 

"We are," Alison cried defensively. 

"Yeah, you're just friends, Alison. Friends who _happen_ to be in love with each other." 

"I- Rafe is not in love with me, Valerie. And… Nothing can happen between us! He's leaving, and I just broke up with Jamal, and I'm not ready. And he's leaving! Nothing can happen between us, he's not in love with me, so just let it go would you?" 

"At least you aren't trying to deny you're in love with him anymore." She shrugged her shoulders. "Look, why don't you just go back to sleep, Alison? You were seriously tired, and you probably still need a few more hours before you're all caught up on your sleep. Alright?" 

"I- I'm not in love with Rafe! And you know what? I plan on going back to sleep. But first I have to get out of these clothes." She swung her legs over the side of the bed, and just before she put her feet on the ground the phone rang. Alison groaned, falling back onto the bed and covering her face with a pillow once more. "I hate the way that phone rings. I don't know _why_ I didn't notice it until now." 

The other woman laughed at her again. "I'll answer the phone, Alison. Then you can turn off the ringer. Change, shower, whatever. Go back to bed. You need more sleep." 

"Why do you keep _saying_ that? I've already slept like… a really long time…" She moved the pillow from her face to glare at her. 

"Yes, but you woke up snapping and bitching at me." 

Alison stared at her for a long moment. "Well than answer the damn phone if you're going to," she snapped, getting out of bed, she whipped the sweater over her head. "Maybe you're right. I do need more sleep. Not that I actually _can_ sleep, because now my mind is going and all that wonderful fun stuff, and I can't shut it up or off. Dammit, I wish I knew what the hell Rafe did…" 

"Yeah… No… That's fine. Just give me about twenty more minutes and I'll be there. Right. Bye." 

"You have a date? This early?" 

"That's none of your business," Valerie informed her. "But in case you were wondering, which I honestly doubt you were, I'm not meeting Jamal." 

Nope. Wasn't wondering that at all. "Whatever, Val. I told you before, if you want him he's all yours." 

"Yeah? Well I'd rather have a guy that didn't view me as his second choice. Or maybe it's more like a… consolation prize. You think? 'Well, Alison doesn't want me, I guess Valerie will do'? Thanks but no thanks." 

She shook her messy blond hair and grabbed a pair of sweats and a t-shirt from a drawer before walking into the bathroom. "Look, I was just saying-" 

"I know what you were just saying, Alison. And I refuse to be _anyone's_ second choice. I'm better than that, and I deserve better than that." Valerie sighed before turning away. Halfway to the other room she made a u turn. "Nobody likes being the second choice. And yeah, I love Jamal, whoopy-freaking-do, you know? I won't be with him just because things didn't work out between the two of you." A slightly triumphant smile played on her lips when she heard Alison still. 

"If I got with Jamal, I'd always think it was because you two broke up and for no other reason," she continued. "And it would take a hell of a lot of convincing from him before I'd believe that he _wanted_ to be with me. I'm talking something major here, Ally. Otherwise, I wouldn't buy it. I won't let anything happen between me and Jamal, because it's always going to be in the back of my head that he's still hung up on you. Anyone else would think the same way." 

Alison stepped out a few minutes later in dark gray sweats and a t-shirt that was only a few shades lighter. "So what you're saying to me is basically if anything were to happen between me and Rafe now, which there's no way that it will, he'd always think that it was just because things didn't work out with Jamal?" 

Valerie shrugged her shoulders, somehow managing to keep from smiling. "I didn't say that." 

"Yes! Yes, you did." 

"No, I didn't. I just said if something _were_ to happen between me and Jamal, he'd have to work for it. It wouldn't be easy. And I'd have to be convinced that he wasn't still head over heels in love with you. I don't know if it works both ways or not." She shrugged again then turned around, once more heading to her room to get dressed. "Goodnight, Alison." 

"Yeah," the blond muttered. "Goodnight… Hey, Val? Will you turn on the stereo on your way by?" 

She pressed the power button without so much as pausing. "Better?" 

"Yeah… thanks." Alison pulled the curtains closed, blocking out the sun just a little better, and then got back into bed. The music blocked the silence, but unfortunately not the thoughts. Closing her eyes tightly, she pulled the blankets up until they nearly covered her head again. "Why does it bother me so much to know what I knew all along?" she sighed. "It's not like I ever thought we actually had any sort of a chance." 

Biting down on her lip, Alison rolled over. She pulled a pillow against her chest and wiggled until she decided she was comfortable. "Unless of course I do something really stupid… Like letting him know that I _want_ him." 


	23. Chapter 23

  
**Part I: Chapter 23**   


Livvie sighed and tapped her foot in frustration. "Rafe, just tell me what you did to Alison." 

"For the last time," he responded, exasperation clear in his voice. "I didn't do _anything_ to her!" 

Using the key that Valerie gave her an hour earlier, Livvie unlocked the door to the apartment. "Well I guess we'll find out won't we? She better be in here, Rafe! Because I don't know where else she is." 

"Oh, and what? You think I kidnapped her?" 

She shook her head. "I know you didn't kidnap her, Rafe! I just think you and your angel powers or whatever did something." 

"Such as?" he asked dryly, crossing his arms over his chest and raising an eyebrow. "Please, tell me what it is you think _I_ would do or did to Alison." 

"Well… I…" Livvie sputtered, cursing herself silently for not preparing for more of a fight from the angel. "I don't know, alright? I'm just worried about her. Is that really such a crime?" 

"No. But she's fine. So stop worrying." 

"How do you know that she is fine?" 

Rafe simply looked at her. "Alison is fine. She probably just slept in. She _needed_ sleep, Livvie." 

"So you what… cast some spell on her to turn her into Rip Van Winkle?" 

Laughing, Rafe shook his head. "Sorry to burst your bubble, but I don't do spells. And I didn't do anything to Alison. I _wouldn't_ do anything to Alison. You know that. So why don't you tell me what's really going on." 

"W-What's really going on?" She inhaled sharply then silently cursed again. It wasn't fun to fly by the seat of your pants. "What's really going on," Livvie repeated, hardening her tone. "Is that Alison broke up with Jamal yesterday after so much time together, and she didn't seem to really be all that broken hearted about it. Then we find the two of you making out outside the hospital..." 

"Yeah, and your point?" 

Opening the door, Livvie shook her head. "We left her with you. That's all I'm saying. You were the last person to see her." 

"No, Valerie was the last person to see her. I didn't hurt Alison, I wouldn't." 

"I know that you wouldn't intentionally hurt her, Rafe…" Stepping inside, she waited until he passed her to shut the door and flip on a light. A discreet glance was cast at her watch. "But sometimes you can't help it. I mean obviously she's falling hard-" Her cell phone rang, cutting off her words. Perfect timing. "Excuse me for a minute please." 

Rafe shook his head, walking past her and ignoring her as he crossed to the bed. "Alison?" 

The lump in the middle of the bed wiggled, groaned, sighed, then returned to it's former state of barely breathing. The angel laughed lightly. "Alison," he repeated, putting his knee on the bed and causing it to dimple as he pulled the blanket down from over her head. "Come on, sunshine, it's time to rise." 

"No," she groaned, pulling the blanket up once more. 

His hand went to her hip, or at least he assumed it was her hip, and he pulled the blanket down once more. "Yes," Rafe said sternly, a smile gracing his features. "You have to get up. We went over this yesterday remember? No hiding out." 

"I'm not _hiding_," Alison sighed. "I'm sleeping." 

"Open your eyes." 

Grumbling something he couldn't hear under her breath, she rolled onto her back, then complied with his demand. "There. Happy?" 

"Ecstatic. Now. It's time to get up." 

Alison rubbed the back of her hand over her eyes. "What time is it?" 

"A little after one." She put her arms over her head and stretched, arching her back. Rafe tried not to let himself think too terribly much about that simple little action and the way soft gray cotton of her t-shirt stretched over her breasts. "Fourteen hours of sleep is plenty. Come on… You'll hate me if I let you stay in bed." 

"Would not." I'd still love you, she thought with a grin. "I'd be thrilled," she yawned. 

Rafe took her hand and tugged. "You'd be up all night. That's what you would be. Up, come on, Alison." 

"I've been up," she whined lightly. Moving to lay on her side facing him. "I changed. See? I've been up. It hasn't been an entire fourteen hours of sleep. Just let me…" 

"Nope. Sorry. I know that trick, and I don't fall for it. Get up. You have to convince Livvie that I didn't do anything to you." 

"What does Livvie think you did to me?" 

"I don't know," he whispered jokingly, sitting down beside her. "I don't think she does either. It's all some big scam if you really want to know. She wants me to believe that she thinks I drugged you or…" 

"Do angels drug people?" 

"Not the last time I checked," he replied, rolling his eyes slightly. "Now, don't make me leave you here alone with her. She's up to something I tell you." 

"Probably. Think she's been plotting with Lucy?" 

"That would be my guess." 

Nodding, Alison closed her eyes again. "I think Val is in on it. She was really going on about something this morning. I'm not sure what exactly though. But then when I said that she told me I sounded like you." 

"Oh, well if you ever figure it out, tell me what she was talking about? I think she was talking in some sort of code last night. I didn't think I even wanted to know what she was trying to say though." 

"Ditto." She grinned up at him. "So… What are you doing here?" 

"I dragged him here," Livvie stated, choosing then to remind them of her presence. "We were supposed to meet for lunch and you didn't show. I got worried and blamed Rafe." 

"Why in the world would you blame _Rafe_?" Alison asked, sighing as she finally sat up. She leaned back, her weight resting on her hands behind her. "All you had to do wass call, you know." 

Damn. "I tried," Livvie lied. "There wasn't an answer." 

Alison looked at Rafe and resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "I guess Valerie must have turned off the ringer for me. She probably shouldn't have. Frank might have been trying to call again." A quick wink let her angel know what was coming. "Oh! Maybe I should go and see, I bet I need to. Their probably swamped…" Alison barely had a chance to make a move to get out of bed before a hand clamped down on her arm. Her smile to Rafe said one thing – victory. 

"No!" Livvie said quickly, too quickly she realized a moment afterwards. Her cringe wasn't nearly as well hidden as she would have liked to think. She removed her hand from Alison's arm in a flash. "No, you… you don't have to do that," she said, slower than before. "I mean, there really isn't anything to worry about, you know, they were pretty slow over there just a little while ago, and… Rafe was right, before… he said that you needed sleep and that's very true…" 

"But fourteen hours of sleep _is _plenty," the blond argued, barely concealing her smile when she turned to face her friend. "He was right about that too. He's a very smart angel. Besides, weren't we supposed to have lunch?" 

"I... I can't. I just got a phone call from my dad. He said that we really needed to talk. Sorry, I've got to cancel lunch today. Maybe tomorrow though?" Backing away slowly, Livvie clutched her purse and cell phone tighter with each lie. 

"Maybe breakfast," Alison suggested with a smile. 

"Yeah! Yeah… Maybe! Anyway, you two have fun. And be good! I'll see you later." 

It wasn't until the door shut behind her that the other two burst into laughter. "That was too easy," Alison giggled. "I was almost sure that Livvie was a better liar than that…" 

"I was pretty sure _most_ people in this town were better liars than that. Her and Lucy are pretty transparent in what they're doing." Shaking his head, Rafe stood again and held out a hand for her. 

She pouted as she watched his hand. "You were serious about making me get up?" 

"Yes." He tilted his head to the side, catching her gaze. "Alison, you can't hide from the world in bed for the rest of your life." 

"I'm not hiding!" Her pout grew when it became clear he wasn't buying it. Taking his hand she tugged until he sat down beside her. "Really, Rafe, I know what you're thinking. And that's not what's going on." 

The angel raised an eyebrow at the remark. "What am I thinking?" 

"That this is about me breaking up with Jamal." She lowered her eyes to their hands. "But it's not, alright. It has nothing whatsoever to do with him, and you shouldn't worry so much about it. Alright?" 

"Hey, worrying about you isn't something that's just going to go away." Putting his free hand under her chin, her brought her eyes up to meet his. "I care about you, Alison. And I care what you're feeling. I just want you to be happy, you know that don't you?" 

"Yes. But I can't have what makes me happy, Rafe. I mean… I know that. I know that…" Her gaze left his once more, her eyes settling on the phone beside her bed. She wet her dry lips and darted a tentative glance in his direction. Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to continue. "I'm just trying to deal with it, you know? But I know… I know that I can't have what I really want." 


	24. Chapter 24

  
Yes, there are big, ok, _huge_ holes here. But that's one of the things you have to live with when it comes to my writing. Everything will eventually be explained, just not until much, much later. And I slipped twice. I tried not to, but it had to happen. After I rewrote both lines at least a dozen times I went back to the first ones and figured that no one would complain. Though if you want to, feel free. I'm sure you can figure out what I mean. Thanks again for the wonderful feedback, and I hope you continue to enjoy the story. :) 

**Part I: Chapter 24**   


"I don't think that's true," Rafe murmured to her gently after a moment. "I think that you can have anything that you want. You… Alison, you deserve to be happy. And you should have anything that you want. You _can_ have anything that you want. You just need to admit that you want it and go after it." 

Her eyes met his for just the briefest of a moment then darted away. God, he didn't know. How could he not know? She tried to search for something safe to land her frantic eyes on, but that didn't seem to be in the cards. Looking at him, especially now - seated on her bed and filled with… concern and caring and honesty - it just wasn't a good idea. 

Alison finally settled her gaze on their still clasped hands. It was amazing how… right it felt holing onto him someway. And it was just breathtaking that it never failed that they'd end up touching in some way when they were near each other. Why was it that when they weren't touching she felt empty? Or was that just another question she didn't want to answer. Dammit, and why did she want to cry at how damn _caring_ this man was? "I don't think-" 

Sighing, Rafe shifted his weight to sit closer to her. When her barely whispered words broke off, the hand that wasn't holding hers tucked a lock of hair that had escaped her messy ponytail away from her face. Cupping her chin, he brought her eyes to meet his once more, and he searched them, but for what he didn't know. "Believe me here, Alison. Every once in a while I actually know what I'm talking about," he smiled. "If you want it, then fight for it, and I would almost be willing to bet that it was yours in the end." 

His hand moved from her chin to her cheek, and Alison wrapped her fingers around his wrist. He thought at first it was to pull his hand away, but she seemed rather content to have it stay just right there. In fact, she leaned into his touch just slightly. His thumb unconsciously swept across her cheek as if wiping away tears before they could consider falling with a small, gentle caress. "What's wrong?" 

Her tongue darted out to wet her lips. "W-What makes you think anything is wrong?" she asked, her tone overly happy and false even to her ears. The smile that followed didn't convince either of them that it really was ok. It was far too weak and wobbly. "Really, why would you think that something is wrong?" 

"Oh, Alison, because I know you just a little bit by now, honey." He shifted again, somehow drawing her closer to him. Swearing silently when her eyes filled with tears. "You can't pretend with me, Alison. And I don't want you to think that you ever have to." 

"I don't," she whispered, surprising herself with the honesty that small statement held. "I don't think that I have to pretend, or be something that I'm not around you. I never have. I don't think I ever will… It's just… scary sometimes." 

"What is?" 

"Just… everything! The way I'm feeling, these thoughts that suddenly keep popping into my head, the fact that I'm not even sure _what_ I'm thinking or feeling. It's scary, Rafe. And you… You're the only one lately that _gets_ that, that actually understands everything there is to understand about me. And you know just the thing to do or say or-" breaking off, she took a deep breath. "I don't know what I'm going to do without you. I just… The idea that I'm going to wake up eleven days from now to find that you're gone…" 

"Actually," he confessed with a smile. "I'm pretty clueless here, Alison. I don't know what to say, or do, or anything. But, growing up with the girls did teach me a thing or two. I can actually listen really well-" 

"And you're a _great_ crying shoulder." 

"Well, you know, I'm here. If you need me, or a shoulder to cry on, or… anything, Alison. If you need anything…" Rafe sighed. "I wish you would just tell me what to do to make it better." 

"It doesn't work that way." 

"I know." 

"I don't even know what's really wrong. Or that anything even is wrong. I'm just… I'm scared, Rafe." 

"Honey, you don't have anything to be scared of. No demons hiding in the closet, no monsters under the bed… You ended a huge part of your life yesterday, right? I mean, you didn't end your life exactly…" Rafe shook his head, and took a breath. "When you broke up with Jamal yesterday, it was something huge. And you're trying to push it down and bottle it up until it's not huge anymore. You want to be able to brush it off, but you can't. You have to go through it all, Alison. The feelings don't get tired and go away if you put them off long enough." 

"This isn't about Jamal. This is about the fact that I'm in l…" Alison bit her tongue quickly, moving to cover her tracks before he realized what she was about to say. "I'm not broken into pieces over what happened yesterday. I mean, yeah, it hurts, you know? But I'm going to keep on breathing and living. Just like you said! I'm not… My life didn't end just because my relationship with Jamal did. I mean, at one time, you know, I thought it would have. But it didn't. The feelings weren't there with me and Jamal, not anymore. He changed, and I changed, and I'm _sick _of talking about this." 

Sighing, Rafe moved his hand from her cheek only to end up holding both her hands in his. "I'm here when you want to talk about it. That's all I'm saying." 

"Well I don't. Not now." Alison wet her lips, then shifted slightly in the bed to lean back against the headboard. "So, can we talk about something else?" 

"Sure." 

"Anything else? I mean… Can I ask you something without feeling like I'm prying into something I shouldn't?" 

The angel laughed lightly. "Ask me anything you want to know." 

"You said girls." 

"What?"> 

Alison bit down on her lip and giggled at his confused expression. "You said 'growing up with the _girls_.'" 

"Oh, the ever boring topic of me! Got ya." Rafe shrugged his shoulders. "The girls would be Ela, actually her name is Rafaela, my sister. And our baby cousin. Of course, she's always hated being called that, and she's really not a baby." 

"Wow, so you really did used to have a life, huh?" she teased lightly. 

"Not really. I had family. Those two were probably the most import things to me. But Ela wrote the book self-destruction, I was just the one that was there to fix it." 

"Was she that bad?" 

Again, Rafe shrugged. "It really depends who you ask." 

"I'm asking you." 

"She's… She was my sister, Alison," he sighed. "My _twin_ sister. The one person that got me when even I didn't. I think I got her the same way, you know? But it's like I said last night, there has always been this big part of us that can't be in the same room together without it turning into a fight. By the time I actually understood what the hell her problem was it was too late to fix it." 

"What happened?" 

"She was jealous. Always. I mean, yes, our father did pay more attention to me, but only because he spent every moment pushing me - training me. She was his little girl though, his pride and joy, and he didn't want her to have anything to do with… us. All the bad things in the world, he tried to protect her from, and she ended up feeling left out a lot of the time because of that." 

"Well that only makes sense. Not to mention that you probably had the same attitude as your father did. Actually, I know that you still have that. You see a girl as helpless and think you have to defend and protect." 

"It's not like that!" 

Alison squeezed his hands lightly. "Then how is it?" 

"When our cousin was three, she practically moved in with us. Her parents had decided that she'd held back their careers long enough, right? So they left her with strangers at least six days a week. She didn't know any of us at first, they'd just moved down from New York. She latched on to me-" 

"You're an easy person to latch onto." 

Chuckling, Rafe shook his head. "Ela was upset about the entire thing, because she thought she was going to be _hers_. Our mother set it up in her mind that when our cousin came to stay with us _she_ would be the one person that adored Ela to no end. Of course, she always made it sound like the rest of us didn't." 

"So she was only made _more_ jealous by the fact that this new girl took up even more of your time and didn't pay attention to her." 

"Basically. Only the thing is, our cousin isn't like that. She'd open up to anyone and everyone that opened up to her. She spent lots of time with Ela, but she spent lots of time with everyone else as well." 

"I don't get it. So why was she jealous? If she spent time with her too…" 

"Everyone spent time with her too. That's the thing, see? Ela didn't see it that way. She wanted everyone paying attention to her and only her all the time. Ela always felt like I was stealing something from her. In fact, she always felt like everyone was stealing something from her. So, it's like I said, she wrote the book on self-destruction. When we got older she'd party, end up drunk or high and call me. She saw that it got my attention, so she did it again. Then it got our parents attention. Then it got everyone's attention. So she kept it up. Then it just got to a point where she dug herself into a hole too deep for me to get her out of." 

"Is she…" 

"No. She's living in Mexico now, actually. Has a husband and two little girls, but _that_ I won't talk about." 

Alison's eyes widened suddenly. "Rafe, I didn't mean to-" 

He squeezed her hands reassuringly, cutting off her words. "You didn't. Sometimes, it's nice to remember." 

"Right," she smiled. "It's like I said before, you know, this friendship thing works two ways." 

"I know." 

"I'm here when you want to talk about it," Alison grinned. "That's all I'm saying." 

"I'll try to keep that in mind," Rafe teased. 

"You better!" Alison shifted, and her mood shifted as well when her knee hit his. "You just… You should know that… If you want me, I'm here." 

Leaning forward slightly, Rafe offered her a smile. "I think that's supposed to be my line." 

"Yeah, well, I already know that though. Because you're here. And I want you." Oh, God… He knew. He had to know now. She told him. Oh, God. "To be… here, I mean," Alison rushed on. 

She cringed when he laughed, and then fell in the hug he pulled her into. 


	25. Chapter 25

  
My muse is in a very uncooperative mood lately. I apologize if you feel I'm rushing things, I tend to agree with you. However, I do think that I actually like the way this chapter turned out. Drop me a line at angelgazing@hotmail.com to let me know what you think, and if you ask me nicely I'll add you to my list of people to e-mail when I update. :) Thanks again for all the wonderful feedback! 

**Part I: Chapter 25**   


"You know," she muttered against his shoulder, trying to keep her laughter from her voice. "You could give a girl a complex the way you keep laughing at me." 

Rafe tightened his arms around her slightly. "I'm not laughing at you." 

"Yes, you are!" she shrieked, burying her face more into his shoulder so he couldn't see her smile. 

"No, no, really, I'm not!" he chuckled. 

Pulling away, Alison crossed her arms under her breasts and pouted playfully. She was surprising herself with how easily she was handling this. "Are all angels this bad at lying, or is it just another special thing about you?" 

"I'm not lying," the angel tried. "And I'm not even _bad_ at lying when I am!" 

"Yes, you are." 

"No, I'm not." 

"Are." 

"Aren't." 

"Are!" 

"I am not," Rafe laughed. "But I'm _also_ not going to argue this point with you." 

"Stop laughing at me then," Alison huffed, unable to keep from smiling. 

"Now why would you think I was laughing at you?" he asked, somehow making it sound like he really didn't know the answer. Ok, she could handle sincere. But he was just so darn cute while doing it. 

Jerk. "Oh, jeez, I dunno, Rafe. Because I basically just blurted out that I want you and you act like it's funny?" Ok, so maybe she was just a _little_ hurt. And maybe it wasn't so funny anymore. 

"I knew what you meant, Alison," he murmured, all humor draining from his voice. "I didn't mean to make you think I was laughing at you." And dammit, there was that caring again. "I was just thinking about what Lucy and Livvie would have done if they heard you say that. They'd have taken it the wrong way. I'm sorry." 

No. They would have taken it the right way. So why couldn't he see that? And why was he impossible to get or stay mad at? "Yeah, I know, Rafe. I was just playing." Alison looked away when he raised his eyebrows in silent question. "Ok, so I wasn't exactly playing. But still! It's not like you were trying to insult me or anything. Maybe I just need more sleep." 

"Or maybe you've had too much sleep." 

"You're like so not going to give up on that are you?" she asked, returning to the lighter mood from before. "I really have to get out of bed?" 

"Yup." Rafe tucked her loose hair back once more. "I thought you said you wanted to go and see that little girl at the hospital again before she was released." 

"Right! I did. I almost forgot about that. I was too busy hiding." 

"See?" he smiled. "There you have a confession _and _a good reason to get out of bed." 

Alison nodded absently. "So… You really didn't mind hanging out with me over there yesterday? Because, I mean, I know that there are probably, like, millions of other things you could have done than humor me and play with some kids in the hospital." 

"Alison," Rafe sighed, catching her eyes with his before continuing. "I don't think I'm every going to mind hanging out with you, no matter what. Got it?" 

"Got it," she laughed. "And back at ya." Alison wet her lips. "You were really good with them, you know." 

"Yeah?" He shrugged his shoulders and smiled almost shyly. "I've been told that it's because an overgrown kid." 

Laughing, Alison leaned forward, catching his lips briefly. "Yeah," she muttered, sitting back again. "But that's fine with me. In fact, I think it's cute. That one little boy… What was his name? Justin? He adored you. It was so sweet!" 

"Yeah, Justin. You know that was your little girl's brother, right?" 

"Really? I didn't know that! So Justin and Destiny are… twins? They looked about the same age." 

"That's what he told me." Rafe got up from the bed and held his hand out to her again. "But you can't sidetrack me into letting you hide out some more." 

Sighing, she took his hand and swung her legs over the side of the bed. "I really wasn't hiding," Alison confessed, making no move to stand. "I was just having this dream that I didn't want to leave or wake up from. About that little girl… Destiny. And her brother too, actually. They were _my_ kids, in my dream. Maybe it was because of the picture, you think? I love that picture that she gave me. I hung it up on the refrigerator." 

"I know. I was here, remember?" 

"Yeah… Yeah, I know you were here. Destiny is a pretty name, don't you think? I think that would be a perfect name for… my first daughter. What do you think?" 

"It's a pretty name, Alison." 

"Maybe destiny can be a pretty thing. Unexpected too, sometimes, right?" She shrugged her shoulders. "Anyway, it was a good dream." Reaching out, she captured her other hand in his as well. Alison waited a minute before speaking again. "Aren't you going to ask what it was about?" 

"I think that if you want me to know you'll tell me," Rafe smiled in response. 

"It was a good dream. That's why I stayed in bed for so long. I just… I really just wanted to stay in my dream, you know? I wasn't hiding. Just dreaming. It was a good dream." 

"I believe you." 

"It's just…" Alison focused her attention on their hands. "I never really thought about having kids before you told me that I was going to make a great mother someday. I mean, I _did_. I did think about it, but it didn't really go beyond, _yeah I want them_. So, like, all of a sudden, I'm being just… rushed with all these things. Like the fact that Destiny and Justin both looked so familiar somehow." 

"Some kids are just like that, Alison. Maybe they just had those kinds of faces." 

"No! No… these two were different. I mean, I didn't even know that they were brother and sister… They reminded me of someone." She bit down on her lip for a moment in thought and then tilted her head up to look at him with a grin. She had a feeling he knew she was going to change the subject. "Do twins run in families?" 

"They run in mine." He watched in wonder as she seemed to light up at that fact. "My mom's side actually. Everyone in that side of the family that had kids had twins first. Ela has twin girls." 

"I love babies. I love kids… I want tons of them. I just… It could be so wonderful… But the whole dressing alike thing would be mean wouldn't it?" 

"Very," he laughed. "And the whole naming thing is tricky too." 

"It still sounds like fun… To have twins, I mean. Or I guess to just be a mother in general. It would be great." 

His eyes roamed her face, taking in every little sparkle in her eyes at the thought. The slight smile that played on her lips as he studied her and she studied him let him know that somehow they'd both slipped onto the same track. And watching her, Rafe couldn't help but get caught up in the thought. "They'd have your smile," he murmured softly, releasing one of her hands to trace the outline of her smiling bottom lip with his thumb. "They'd have to have your smile - your beautiful smile. You're gonna have beautiful babies, Alison…" 

"I want twins." 

He nodded. "Yeah… I can see it. You're gonna be a perfect mother to perfect children. And I know that for sure, even though I can't see into your future. I know that you're going to be so amazing as a mother, with kids running around with your smile." God help him, he was hopelessly lost in those big eyes of hers, spouting off without knowing what he was saying. That same lock of hair he always seemed to touch had somehow twined itself around his index finger. "And you're hair… They'd have to have your hair." 

"Maybe," she said softly, "that's why I had that dream about Destiny being our little girl. The picture, and the fact that we had the same color of hair. Her brother too. But I didn't know he was her brother." Sighing contently, Alison couldn't help but smile at him. "Why do you like my hair so much?" 

"I don't know. Maybe because it's so soft…" But then that rebel hand of his wasn't in her hair anymore. No, his thumb had found a new obsession. Her bottom lip. "You're so soft." 

"Mmm hmmm…" Unconsciously, she wet her lips, smiling shyly when her tongue met his thumb. But he didn't draw away, and for that she was glad. Instead he kept up that dizzyingly slow pace of stroking her bottom lip. Ok, had they not gone over the whole magic thing before, she might have to seriously wonder what kind of spell he could cast over her with a look. That look he was giving her now, the one that made her feel beautiful, powerful, and fascinating. The one that made her weak in the knees and left her incapable of doing anything but locking her eyes with his. Yeah, she'd have to think about that later. When she had regained the ability to form coherent thoughts. What were they talking about again? Oh. Right. Kids. "Lots and lots of kids. With my smile, and my hair… And your eyes. They'd have to have your eyes." 

"In my dream," Alison continued thickly. She cleared her throat, trying not to sound so… dreamy. "They had your eyes," she finally confessed. "I guess I'm just going crazy or something, you know? I just must be losing my mind… But in my dream… Destiny had your eyes." 

Blinking in surprise, he took a step back. They were way, way too close. 


	26. Chapter 26

  
Sorry this chapter took so long. Let's just blame it on my damn uncooperative muse. If you asked to join my mailing list and didn't get an e-mail please let me know. But I'll venture a guess that it's AOL which hates me and pretty much refuses to accept any e-mail from me. Anyway, thanks for the kind comments. And have I mentioned that feedback makes me write faster? ;) 

**Part I: Chapter 26**   


Panic broke her from the spell she was under, it filled her and gripped her heart the minute he stepped away. "Rafe," Alison whispered, somehow turning his name into a plea. Her grip on his hand tightened, she refused to let him back further away. Instead she stood and closed the space between them – took his other hand. With both his hands in hers, Alison looked up at him, tears filling her eyes suddenly. "Don't… Please, don't." 

"Don't _what_, Alison?" he asked, his tone sharper than he meant for it to be. And he didn't realize it until she flinched. He softened his voice, "Don't what?" 

"Don't… Don't pull away from me. Please…" 

"Alison, I'm not pulling away from you. I just-" 

"I just told you that I dreamt about having children with you, Rafe." 

"Yeah," he muttered. "I got that." 

"And you pulled away!" 

"Alison, this… Honey, it's complicated. We're too close. You… You're counting the days until I leave!" 

"Yeah, I am! I already told you that I'm gonna miss you, Rafe. You can't expect me to just pretend that I don't care about you at all! I just… I told you how I felt. I dreamt about having children with you, and it was a great dream. I didn't want to wake up from that dream!" 

"You… You've probably just had Livvie and Lucy yapping in your ear too much, Alison." 

Looking away, Alison fought the tears that stung her eyes. "But they have a _point_, Rafe. I mean, we… We have something between us, something special. And I can't stay away from you, and I don't want to! I'm just… I know exactly how I feel about you, and I wasn't talked into my feelings by anyone. Alright?" 

Suddenly, it was as if she'd just said the words. He knew, God help him, he knew she loved him. Pulling his hand away from her, he stroked her cheek with his thumb. "And I know exactly how I feel about you, Alison." 

"But," she whispered sadly. 

"But this cannot happen. No matter how much I wish it could – no matter how much we _both_ wish it could. It can't happen. I… I don't want to hurt you." 

"I know that," she sighed. "And I know that you can't stay. That doesn't mean I can't wish things were different and you could. But I know that you can't stay." Alison wet her lips and laughed nervously when a tear escaped, but she still didn't try to move away from him. "It's just not fair, you know?" 

"What's not fair?" 

"Life, I guess." 

"I could have told you that if you had just asked," Rafe murmured with a half smile, wiping her tears away. 

The fingers of her free hand curled themselves in his sweater, holding him close to her just incase he tried to slip away. "What else would you tell me if I asked?" 

His laugh was light, and his eyes twinkled with a hint of honesty. "Anything… Everything? Whatever I knew, Alison." 

"Is the thought of having children with me really that awful?" 

"The thought of having children with you," he whispered, his forehead resting against hers. "Is anything but awful. Wonderful, amazing, awe inspiring… I could go on, you know," he smiled. "Awful doesn't even enter my universe when thinking about the idea, Alison. Awful wouldn't have anything whatsoever to do with that dream." 

"Then why did you pull away from me?" 

Rafe sighed, his hand still cupping her face, their foreheads still touching. "Because I know why _you_ were thinking about it." 

Wetting her lips, Alison peered up at him trustingly. "Why do you think I was thinking about having children with you, Rafe?" 

"Because of what happened yesterday… You broke up with Jamal, and in a lot of ways you broke off with who and what you thought your future was going to be. You just need-" 

"I just need you to not, like, try and say that this has anything to do with my ex, Rafe." With a sigh, the fingers curled into his clothing pulled him closer to her. "It had nothing to do with Jamal, you know. Nothing at all. And it had nothing to do with what I had thought for a long time was my future ending. You know why? Because I haven't ever thought of what my children with Jamal would look like. I never thought about us pass the stage we were in except to think that eventually we were going to get passed that stage. But we weren't, you know. Because neither of us were thinking about it. I thought about it with you, not him. I've spent more time in the past twelve hours thinking about a life, a future, a marriage and children with you, than I spent thinking about the same things with him in the past two years. Jamal isn't my future, Rafe. He's not my destiny, fate didn't pick him out for me." 

"Alison… It can't happen…" 

"Don't you want it to?" 

He blinked in surprise at her question, her tears, the sudden nervous tone in her voice. "More than you will ever be able to know," the angel murmured softly. "I want it more than you will ever know, Alison." 

"I know, Rafe," she answered. "I know how much you want it… I want it just as much. I want a life with you, Rafe. I want it all. More than _you_ will ever know." Alison bit down on her lip for a moment, slightly uncertain of what she was going to say next. "Promise me something?" 

"Anything," her angel whispered with a smile. God help him if she ever found out that he couldn't deny her anything… 

"Promise me that you don't think this has anything to do with Jamal. Promise me… Tell me that you know it's all about me and you - promise me that you don't think it's not." 

A moment passed, a moment where they did nothing but look into each other's eyes and silently whisper what their hearts were screaming. Something was taking up a home in her eyes, something new and exciting. An emotion that maybe she never fully knew before. He spotted it, but couldn't name it. Somehow though, he knew. "I promise." 

"It's not about anything but me and how I feel about you." 

"You know, don't you?" he asked. "You know exactly how I feel about you. You have to know." 

"I know." 

"I love you." 

"I know," she repeated, a smile taking over her features. "I love you too. But you knew that, didn't you?" 

"I was beginning to come to that conclusion." 

"Lucy and Livvie and Valerie all saw it way before now," Alison chided playfully. 

"I guess I'm a little slow." His lips brushed over hers just briefly. "It still can't happen, Alison." 

"We can't even pretend?" 

Rafe shook his head sadly, pulling away from her slightly. "If we pretend… Honey, you gonna get hurt when I have to go. And the last thing that I ever want to do is hurt you. All that matters me is that you're happy. You know that, right? Your happiness is the most important thing." 

"You make me happy," she said, the sadness already entering her voice again. "It's going to kill me when you leave anyway, Rafe. Just because you won't be here. And you make me happy. You and the dreams of our kids…" Sighing, Alison took a tiny step forward, needing to be close to him. "What do you think they'd look like?" 

With a smile, his free hand tugged that same lock of her hair gently. "They'd have your hair, so soft and perfect." Moving his hand, he brushed his thumb along her bottom lip as he had before. "And of course your smile. Have I told you that I love your smile?" 

"No," she answered with a grin. "But I think I was beginning to come to that conclusion." 

"Ah, you know, you keep throwing my words back at me…" 

"At least you know I'm listening to you." 

He laughed lightly. "That's very true." 

"You really don't hate the idea of having children with me?" she asked, uncertainty clear in her voice. Again she caught her bottom lip between her teeth in what was becoming a nervous habit, but she still kept him close, refused to look away. 

And he knew he'd do anything to take her uncertainty away from her. "Alison," Rafe murmured, his thumb brushing her bottom lip again, forcing her to release it. "I really don't hate the idea. In fact, I really love the idea." Bending down slightly, he captured her lips, and when he pulled away she sighed contently. "I would love to have children with you, Alison. It sounds like the very best dream." 

"Really?" 

"Yes," he said sternly. "Really. I wouldn't lie to you, Alison." 

"I- I know that you wouldn't lie to me, Rafe. It's just…" Biting down on her lip again, she looked away. 

Bringing his hand up, he stroked the curve of her jaw with his thumb. "It's just what?" Rafe asked softly when she raised her eyes back to his. 

"It's just…" Alison sighed and wet her lips. "It's just that this is all kind of quick, you know? And you're this really, really amazing, _sweet_ guy. Sometimes… I think you'd do whatever you could to make me happy. Even if that meant pretending you felt something you really didn't." 

"You think I'm pretending that I feel something I don't for you?" 

She looked slightly taken aback at the slight harshness of his tone. "No… I don't. I mean, I know that you care about me. And that you love me…" 

"But?" he prompted when she paused. 

"But you said that my happiness was the most important thing. And I told you that you make me happy, which is the truth. You've been such a great friend to me, Rafe. You've let me cry on your shoulder about anything and everything, you've tried to talk me into doing whatever you thought it was that I wanted despite your feelings…" 

"So you think that I'd let you think something that wasn't true just because you wanted it?" 

Alison shifted uncomfortably under his question and lowered her eyes to the hand that was curled into his sweater. "Not so much as I think you'd try to spare me the embarrassment of realizing that you don't feel anything… romantic toward me like I do towards you." 

"Look at me," he demanded gently. When her eyes met his, he sighed. "I'm in love with you, Alison. Like it or not. I tried pretty hard to fight it, and to deny it, but I can't. And I really don't want to. I'm in love with you, and that's just the way that it is. I'm not pretending that I feel that about you when I don't, and I'm not going to keep pretending that the only thing I feel for you _is_ friendship, because it isn't. And I don't think it has been from the first moment that I saw you. I am in love with you. Got it?" 

"Got it," she answered, somewhat breathless in the face of his honesty. And the way he was looking at her… He was giving her _that _look again. That look that rendered her speechless, and made her just the tiniest bit weak in the knees. Did he have any idea what he did to her? 

"Good," Rafe whispered with a smile. "Glad we could clear that up." Turning the hand that she still held, he managed to make it so that he was holding her hand. Tracing her ring finger, he pulled her a little closer to him. "Because I can think of nothing that I want more than to see you with a ring on this finger, and to know that I put it there. To call you my wife? Would be one of the greatest things on this earth. Understand?" 

Alison nodded, unable to do much more. Damn that look… His eyes seemed to glow with the love he felt for her. Had she not already been breathless it might have just taken her breath away. 

"You have to know," he said after a moment. "That I want you." Leaning forward, he brushed his lips against hers, pulling away before he could really respond to the kiss. He nuzzled the spot just behind her ear, smiling against her neck when it made her shiver. "I want to know every inch of you, Alison. I want to kiss you, I want to know what your skin feels like under all these clothes you wear, and I want to make love to you until the world comes to an end," he whispered, his breath hot against her skin. And when she once again shivered, his arm snaked around her waist. 

It was as if he could sense that she wasn't sure how much longer her knees would hold her up. When he released her other hand to cup her cheek, she ended up with both her hands on his chest, curled into his sweater. And she was torn between leaning against the hand that rested gently on the small of her back and stepping closer to him. 

He was content to stoke her cheek for a moment, to hold her face in his hands, and he wanted to kiss her until neither one of them could breathe, but he held back. There was still so much that needed to be said. His hand slid slowly, lightly away from her face. His fingertips barely brushed the smooth column of her neck, resting for just a moment about her pulse point, before moving down again slowly, between the valley of her breasts. Finally, he reached her flat stomach. 

With his hand spread out across her abdomen, and his eyes still focused solely on hers, he forced himself to continue speaking. "I want to watch you grow, knowing that you are carrying my children inside of you." 

Blinking slowly, Alison wet her lips. "Twins?" she managed to ask. 

"Twins. And then some." 

"Lots and lots of kids," she murmured. 

"That's right," Rafe said, kissing her quickly. "I want to see the light in your eyes when you find out you're pregnant. I want to watch you grow with _our_ children. I want you to wake up in the middle of the night in my arms and make me go out and get you some strange food you'd never even look at if you weren't pregnant. I want to hold your hand while you're in labor, I want you to scream at me during your contractions, and I want to see the look on your face the first time you catch site of each one of our children. I want to hold you while you are holding our babies for the first time. I want you to _know_ that everything that matters to me in the world is right there in my arms." 

Another tear had escaped her eyes, and he wiped it away gently. "You're so wonderful." 

The angel shook his head. "You're the wonderful one, Alison. In fact, you're absolutely perfect." 

"No I'm not," she objected. 

"Yes," he whispered, placing a quick kiss on her lips when she looked like she wanted to protest further. "Yes, you are absolutely perfect. You're perfect to me, and probably for me. And I want to spend every second of every day telling you that I love you. That you matter to me. That you are perfect and amazing and beautiful in every possible way. I would be happy to spend the rest of eternity holding you in my arms. I want to be able to wake up next to you every morning and watch the sunrise in your eyes until the sun _doesn't_ rise. I want you to fall asleep in my arms until the stars all burn out. I want to always see you smile, and I want you to never be sad enough to cry again. I want to love you, Alison. I want you to know that I'm going to love you until time stops." 

"I want that too," Alison said softly, pulling him closer to her. "I want all of it, Rafe. I want it all and I want it with you." 

"I know." His hand moved from her stomach to her hip, and he managed to pull her toward him instead, closing off the small space that had remained between them. Again, he pressed his lips to hers, and again, he pulled away before she could respond. "I want kids with you, Alison. Lots of kids." 

"With my hair," she smiled. 

"That's right. With your hair." Again, his thumb stroked her full bottom lip. He could easily be mesmerized by the texture of her lips. "And your smile. Don't forget your smile." 

"And my smile," she added obediently before standing on her tiptoes and pressing her lips to his. A small whimper escaped her when he pulled away. 

"And your nose," Rafe whispered after a moment, kissing the tip of it gently. Taking one of her hands in his again, he kissed the pad of each finger. "And your hands," he murmured. Turning it over, he placed a kiss where her wedding ring would be. "Because you have beautiful hands." Another kiss, this time on her palm, then the inside of her wrist. "Everything about you is so beautiful, Alison," he murmured against her skin. 

Her fingers tightened into the material of his shirt before she released her hold on it. Sliding her hand down his chest, she sighed. "Rafe?" 

His lips met her jaw, then her chin, and she tipped her head back for him. "Maybe," he said between kisses. "They'll have your neck too." 

Alison had settled her free hand on his back, so she tugged on her other hand until he released it. Curling her fingers into his hair, she dipped her head back further, giving him better access. A gasp passed her lips when his tongue dipped into the hallow of her throat. "S-So," she stuttered. "We're going to have a lot of miniature me's running around?" 

"Mmm hmmm." His lips blazed a hot trail back up her neck, across her jaw. He found that spot behind her ear and placed a kiss there, holding her tighter when he was greeted with that same shiver and a quiet moan from deep in her throat. 

She fought to gain some sort of grasp on the situation, not that she wanted him to stop this damn delicious torture. "T-They'll have… your eyes. I… I want them to have your eyes." 

"Anything you want, Alison," he muttered against her cheek. With a little tug, he freed the rest of her hair from the constraint of her ponytail. He pulled back to look at her, loosing himself a little more in the fantasy when he saw the desire that clouded her half closed eyes, the flush that covered her cheeks. "I love you," he whispered, kissing her cheek, then her jaw again, before returning his lips to her neck. 

"I-I love you too," Alison shifted restlessly against him, trying almost desperately to pull him closer. "I want you." 

"I want you too, honey… so much…" 

She gasped again when he nipped at her collarbone, then it turned into a moan when he nursed the small wound with a sweep of his tongue. Her fingernails scored his scalp, but it only seemed to drive him closer to her. "I want you," Alison repeated, turning her head in an effort to find his mouth with hers. 

"Promise me something?" 

"Anything." 

"Promise me that you'll remember what I said to you, Alison," he whispered against her lips. "Promise me that you aren't going to forget, or every think for a second that I don't love you – that I'm not _in_ love with you." 

Biting down on her lip, she nodded. She tried to pull his mouth down to hers and found he refused to budge. "I promise," she said after a moment. "I promise to always remember all these wonderful, sweet, romantic things you said to me. And I promise that I'm always going to love you. And I promise not to doubt how you feel about me ever again." 

Finally, he gave into her silent pleas, kissing her mouth like he never had before. 

Alison purred in the back of her throat with victory and happiness when his tongue started dancing slowly with hers. Pulling away slightly, she nibbled on his bottom lip, then soothed it with her tongue and pressed her lips back to his. Her hand slid under his sweater, and she caressed the bare skin of his back. When her thumb dipped below the waistband of his pants, he moaned. Smiling triumphantly, Alison broke the kiss with a breathless whisper. "Marry me." 


	27. Chapter 27

  
**Part I: Chapter 27**   


_"Marry me."_

Breathing hard, Rafe put his forehead back against hers. Their eyes were locked, and he searched for what to say. Both were silently cursing the words for pulling him back to the real world, and both wanted desperately to still be lost in the thick haze of the fantasy life they'd just created. "Alison," he started, her name barely a whisper as it poured from his lips. 

God, even just her name sounded sexy and romantic and special when he said it. She struggled to get her breathing under control – not the easiest task while fighting the urge to kick, scream and cry. With tear filled eyes, Alison pulled back slightly and shook her head. Her shaky fingertip covered his lips and stopped the flow of words from his mouth before they could start. "Rafe," she said softly, "please, don't say it… I-I can't hear you say it." 

He kissed the fingers that covered his lips then reluctantly pulled his hand away from her hip to take hers. "Alison," he tried again. 

"You love me," she interrupted. "You love me, and I love you. You made me promise, Rafe… And I promised. I know. You told me, but you didn't have to tell me because I can see it in your eyes, ok? I know. You love me, Rafe. You love me." 

"Of course I love you. It's just that it's-" 

"Complicated," Alison finished for him. "I know. But it doesn't have to be." Her lips pressed against his, and he gave into the kiss quicker than she thought he would. "It doesn't have to be," she repeated when she broke the kiss. Her lips brushed against his again before he could respond, then again and again and again… She loved kissing him, and he probably didn't know that. Her tears were falling again, and she couldn't stop them, couldn't do anything more than brush her lips against his in a hopefully never ending series of gentle little kisses. 

"Oh, honey," he sighed, pulling back and wiping away her tears. "Don't cry, Alison, please… Don't cry because of me…" 

Biting down on her bottom lip, she tried to stop the tears. "I love you." 

"I know," he sighed again. 

"And you love me." 

"More than anything, Alison." Rafe pressed a kiss to her forehead and pulled her into an embrace before placing a kiss on the top of her head. God, they fit together so perfectly. "I love you more than anything," he whispered into her hair. "But-" 

"I know… I know," she said, her voice muffled by his shirt. Alison fought off the tears, not pulling out of his arms even a little bit until she was sure she wouldn't break down the moment her eyes met his. "It's just-" 

"I know." 

"I know." Resting her chin on his chest she peered up at him and smiled though she still felt like crying. "I mean, I know that you know. Of course you do. You always seem to know what I mean, even if I don't." 

"That's becoming a popular phrase between us, you know. _I know_. Whatever that means. I don't have a clue. I don't know a damn thing, Alison." 

"I know," she laughed. "Neither do I." 

His arms stayed locked around her, holding her to him while she held him to her. "I guess that's not really true. I do know a few things. I know that I love you." Rafe kissed her forehead. "I know that I love everything about you. I know that I want to just get lost in our dream world. I know that I want to get lost in you." 

"I wouldn't stop you, you know." Her tongue swept across her bottom lip, and she grinned when she could taste him there. "I know that I'd like that every bit as much as you would." 

Laughing lightly, he brushed feather light kisses on her face. Her eyes, her lips, her cheeks, her nose… "I know that I would love to stay like this forever." 

"I know that if I ever have to leave your arms it'll be too soon." Alison smiled sadly. "I know that I want you. And I know that I was right when I told you I can't have what I want. I know that I… I can't hear you say it, Rafe. Please, just don't say it." 

"I don't want to say it, Alison. I don't want it to be true." Resting his forehead back against hers, he sighed. "But that's the way that it is." 

She bit down on her lower lip to keep it from trembling. "I know." 

"Don't think that I don't wish things were different," he whispered, his thumb wiping away the tears that had started once again to fall. "Please don't think for a second that I don't wish…" 

"I knew what I was getting into," she murmured, trying to keep from sobbing. "I mean, I knew what was happening, and I tried so, _so_ hard to fight it, but I couldn't. I mean, you'd just give me that look, and I was pretty much hopeless. I knew that if I fell for you I was going to get hurt, and not because you tried to hurt me, or even because you didn't feel the same way… I knew it couldn't happen. I _knew_ that nothing could happen. I knew that I was just… I was just being stupid to even dream that anything _could _happen between us. I went and fell for you anyway. And you know what, it's really all your fault. You're too… perfect not to fall for." 

Rafe sighed, wiping away her tears and trying to hold onto her despite knowing that he shouldn't be anywhere near her. "Alison…" 

Her lips pressed to his, stopping the words she knew he was going to say. "Don't," Alison ordered when she broke the kiss. "Just _don't _say it." 

He brushed his lips across hers. "Ok, I won't say it, honey, I promise I won't say it." Again he brushed his lips over hers. "I love you." 

"I love you too… So much, Rafe. I just… I love you too." 

"I know," he smiled sadly, kissing her again. 

Alison opened her mouth under his, inviting him in, not knowing when he'd let himself get this close to her again. Almost surprisingly, he took the invitation. His tongue swept past her lips, dancing in a slow and dangerous motion with hers. But God, he was being so damn tender with her. It was almost like he thought she was so precious that she'd break if his touch became any less light and careful. 

She broke the kiss with a sigh, knowing that she couldn't handle having him pull away from her. "I want our dream life, you know. I want to marry you and have children with you and… I want to be your wife. I'd really like that." 

"Yeah," he smiled. "I'd like that too. It's just… you know, the whole '_til death do us part_ thing might be kinda tricky." 

Losing the battle against the urge to smile, Alison rolled her eyes. "Rafe," she said, turning his name into some sort of warning. 

"I'm just saying-" 

"Yeah, I get what you're just saying." Her lips pressed against his quickly before she pulled back again. "Still, it's not funny." 

"Ok," he agreed with a smile. 

"Jamal isn't who fate picked out for me, Rafe," Alison said suddenly. 

"Ok," the angel repeated. 

"Why can't it be you?" 

"I have to go, Alison. I can't stay. No matter how much I want to… I have to go." 

"I just… I don't think it's completely unreasonable to think that maybe fate brought you here to me, you know?" Her lower lip found it's way between her teeth. "I mean, it's not totally out of the question or anything, is it? That… you know, maybe _you_ are my destiny." 

His thumb found it's way to her lip again, stroking it gently until she released it. With a sigh he kissed the lip her teeth held only seconds before. "Alison," he whispered finally, knowing she could feel her name as he said it against her lips. "I love you, you know. But-" 

"Don't," she ordered. "No 'buts'. Just… Listen, I'm not going to suggest we run off and get married anymore since you don't seem to like the idea much-" 

"You think I don't like the idea of having you as my wife?" he asked, forcing her to pause. 

"I think you're scared of hurting me," Alison answered after a moment. Her eyes raised to lock with his, and she took his hand in hers. "I think you hate the idea of hurting me. But you gotta know that I'm gonna hurt anyway, Rafe. It's… You know that I love you. And it's going to hurt like hell when you have to leave. Just… remember what I said, would you? I fell in love with you knowing that you couldn't stay. I know that we… We can't have a future. That doesn't mean I have to like the fact, you know. I mean… It's gonna hurt when you go. But when you're here, I don't hurt. I couldn't hurt with you." 

"But the closer we are-" 

"The harder it's going to hit," she finished for him. "Don't you think that I know that, Rafe? I mean, I'm no genius, but don't you think I know that much? It's gonna hurt when you leave either way, Rafe. I just… I want what time I _can_ have with you. Is that really so wrong?" 

"No, honey, it's not wrong. It's just that… You're right, I'm terrified of hurting you," Rafe admitted softly. "The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt you, and I already have… Alison, I can't… I hate to see you cry, especially because of something I did…" 

"You already made it clear that if you could stay you would," she said quickly, desperation sinking in. "You said that you'd stay if you could, but you can't. You have to leave and it's not your fault. It's not something you have any control over, right? I mean… Right?" 

"Right." 

"There. See? It's nothing that you did, Rafe. Please, just… Neither of us have any control over the future, you know, nobody has control over their future. It's not wrong to live for today, sometimes, is it?" 

"Alison," he sighed. "It's not wrong to live for today. But it's wrong of me to do this to you! I'm not going to… to just play with you like they all think I'm going to. I won't hurt you like that, Alison. I won't try to take this somewhere when there's nowhere that it _can_ go." 

"We have _some_ time together, though, Rafe. Can't we just… use it? I just… I want to have whatever I can with you, you know? I love you, and I'm going to hurt either way!" 

Rafe pulled away from her, taking one step back, then another to put space between them. When he lifted a hand to run it over his face tiredly, she saw the way it trembled. "It's not even eleven days," he said after a moment, and both tried to ignore the way his voice shook. 

"W-What do you mean? It's… After Christmas right?" 

"No, Alison. Midnight on Christmas Eve is when I have to go." 

"O-Oh," she whispered, her voice trembling in time with the rest of her. God, why did she feel so cold now? "T-There's still _time_, Rafe. I mean, it's not a lot, but it's time. We can spend the next ten days together. You know, you're going to have a really hard time getting rid of me anyway!" 

"I don't want to get rid of you, Alison," Rafe said, resisting the urge to take her back into his arms. "I would never, _never_ want to get rid of you. You know that don't you?" 

"Y-Yeah… I know that you wouldn't _want_ to get rid of me." Her knees were shaking, and she knew she had to sit soon or she's fall. Two steps back and she sat on the bed in defeat. "But you'd try to get rid of me anyway if… if you thought that's what was best. If you actually thought it'd hurt me less." 

"Would it?" 

"No! No, no, no, Rafe, it wouldn't. God, don't you know that it would just make things so much worse if you pushed me away? If you acted like you didn't want me? I… I won't be able to deal with you trying to pretend that you don't feel the same way about me as I feel about you, you know." 

"It's ten days, Alison. Then I'm gone. I won't… I won't do that to you. I mean, I won't push you away. I don't want to push you away. So we… We can fix it, somehow… We can still hang out, we can still be friends, it can be like it was yesterday!" 

"Like it was yesterday? We actually have to settle for going back _now_?" Alison put her face in her hands and laughed bitterly. "Why the hell does fate have to be so damn cruel? I mean, really? Is this the universe's idea of a sick joke?" Without warning, her shoulders were shaking with sobs. "I just want to be with you." 

He was standing in front of her with two steps, taking her hand away from her face to hold it in his. "Alison," he whispered, taking her other hand as well. "Look at me," he pleaded. 

Reluctantly, she raised her tear filled eyes to his. Her tongue swept across her bottom lip, tasting the salt of her tears instead of him this time. And she tried to choke back the sobs, knowing he hated to see her cry. "I just want to be with you, Rafe." 

Take another tiny step forward, he released her hands to hug her. His fingers lost themselves in her hair when she pressed her face into his stomach and cried, and he did the best he could to comfort her. One hand ran soothingly along her back, the other tangled in her hair, enjoying the silky feel of her far too much. He didn't know how long he stood there with her that way, he just knew that it took a while for her sobs to even die down slightly. 

"I hate that you're crying because of me," he whispered, releasing her hair to touch her damp jaw. "I hate that you're hurting because of me, Alison." 

"I just want to be with you," Alison repeated again, her voice once again muffled by his shirt. "I don't… You feel bad, and you shouldn't, you know?" With a shaky sigh, she pulled back enough to look up at him. Tears were still falling from her eyes at a steady, but slower pace. "We love each other, and we want the same things… We have it all, Rafe. It should be simple. It should be easy. We should be allowed to be together." 

He crouched down in front of her, resting his hand on her knee a moment before he took both her hands in his again. Rafe placed a series of soft kisses along her hands before looking up at her. When their eyes met, she saw that he was battling back his own tears. "But it's not going to work that way, Alison. Nothing is ever easy, nothing. A-And… this isn't any different. Me and you… It just… I can't let you keep hurting because of me, Alison. I can't." 

"You don't get a say in the matter," she whispered, her voice thick and raw with tears both shed and still fighting to have their way with her. "I'm going to hurt when you leave, and I'm going to hurt when you try and push me away. And you can't change that, Rafe. Hell, _I_ can't change that. Stop trying so hard to protect me from you." 

"I don't have to like it, Alison. I know that I can't tell you how to feel. But I don't have to like that you're upset because of me." 

Alison just nodded and tried to force a smile without much luck. "But you have to accept it. Just like I have to accept that you have to go. You don't have any say in it." 

"There's nothing that I wouldn't do," he whispered, his voice cracking. A single tear escaped him, and she pulled her hand from his to brush it away with a whisper of a touch. "You know that don't you, Alison? You know that there is nothing I wouldn't do to change things." 

"I know." Her hand covered his. "I know that, Rafe." 

"But there's nothing that I can do, Alison. So… we're stuck. We're just stuck in this damn situation, and there's no right or wrong or easy way out. We're just… stuck." 

"You won't let it go any further, will you?" 

"I can't hurt you like that, Alison." 

"So… we're stuck," she whispered sadly. "We're stuck right back where we were yesterday, right? Friends who both want so much more and can't have it? It doesn't matter that I love you or that you love me, or that we could be amazing together? We're just stuck trying to pretend we both aren't going to be heartbroken when it has it end, and we're both stuck just… _knowing_ that it has to end?" 

"Yeah," he nodded. "And we don't have to like it." 

"But we have to just accept it?" 

"Yeah, we do. There's nothing we can do to change it, Alison. It's… It's just the way things are." 

She nodded sadly, pulling her hand from on top of his to wipe her eyes with the back of it. "I hate the way things are." 

"So do I, honey," he whispered sadly. "So do I." 

"The way things are sucks." 

Laughing softly, Rafe nodded again. "Yeah… Yeah, they do suck." 

Her smile was wobbly as she touched trembling fingers to his cheek. "I just… I wish we could just have our dream life, you know? I wish we could have stayed lost there for so much longer than we did… I wish we could have it all. The marriage, the relationship, the children, the family… eternity." 

"So do I, Alison. I wish the same things, and I feel the same way. I know how you feel. I just… There's nothing we can do, honey." 

"I just…" She sighed softly, wet her lips and nearly winced at the taste of her tears. "Don't you think that if we ever could have a daughter she would have looked like Destiny?" 

"Yeah." He tilted his head slightly in thought. "Exactly like her." Rafe stood quickly and pressed his lips to hers. "I have to go," he whispered when he pulled back. 

"I wish you could stay, though," she sighed. 

"No, Alison, I need to go now. I need to see… someone." 

"Oh… Ok… Y-You'll come back, right?" 

"Of course." 

"And you aren't going to try and avoid me or anything?" 

"Not a chance," he answered with a smile. "You're stuck with me until I'm gone for good." 

"Good." Alison tried to force a smile, and hated that it didn't even convince her. "I do like the idea of being stuck with you." 

"It is a pretty good idea." Reluctantly, he released her hand and took a step away. "It'll probably be tomorrow before I see you." 

"Ok. Um… I think I'm working tomorrow night. You know, if we don't see each other sooner. Promise that you aren't going to try and pull that disappearing act again?" 

"I promise." He took another step back before he shook his head in defeat and closed the space between them to kiss her once more. "Ok," he said, backing up quickly the minute he broke the kiss. "Now, I really am leaving this time. I'll see you later." 

"Yeah, I'll see you later. And if you don't find me, don't think I won't find you." 

"I'll find you as soon as I can," Rafe promised, finally walking out of the bedroom and grabbing his coat from the chair he'd dropped it in. When he glanced back at her, he swore silently at the site of her watching him with tear filled eyes. "I love you." 

"Yeah… I love you too." 

He nodded. "I know." With that, he turned toward the door once more, knowing that if he didn't leave soon he wouldn't. 

"Rafe," Alison said quickly, scrambling to get to him before he left. "I… I just…" When she reached him, she kissed him again. "It… It was a good dream. Wasn't it?" 

He was frozen in place, knowing that if he moved it would be to pull her back into his arms. "The best." 

"Yeah," she nodded. "The best." Alison sighed, cursing softly at the tears that were falling from her eyes. "Go." 

"I'm going," Rafe answered, not moving. 

"Go," she said again. "But, you know, j-just make sure you come back." 

"I will," he answered, walking out the door before his own tears could fall in front of her. He shut the door and leaned back against it. The sound of her sobbing hit his ears, and with a curse, and a swipe of his hand across his eyes he shook his head and walked away. 

---   
Don't hate me! I promise that this isn't the end. It's just the end of part I. For all those still interested after this chapter, part II starts next week. :) Thanks for the feedback, and please continue to let me know what you think. 


	28. - Part II -

  
**Part II: Destiny, Roses & Romance  
Chapter 28**   


"Four hours," Alison nearly whimpered to the empty apartment. With yet another disgusted glare at the clock, she grabbed another handful of chocolate chip cookies and flopped down on the sofa. 

She'd tried every possible way she could think of to get her mind off of _him_. But nothing seemed to be helping. She couldn't bake without watching the clock, she couldn't clean without breaking down, and a twenty minute soak in a hot bubble bath only left her with wrinkled fingers and toes and a fantasy that she needed to get out of her head five hours ago. There had to be something to do not the think about… _him_. 

Alison rolled her eyes at herself and took a bite of her cookie. After the first hour she refused to even think of his name. It was ridicules and childish, but she thought maybe if she'd stop thinking or saying his name that maybe she'd stop staring at that damn clock. Well, that and after about forty minutes she realized that everytime she said his name it turned into some sort of a desperate sob. And she was really tired of being so pathetic. It was unbelievably unfair. 

Why did he have to _leave_? She tried to understand, she really did, but it wasn't working. Destiny drops her angel in her lap, lets her fall completely head over heels in love with him, then has the plan to snatch him away before _anything _can happen. Alison had no doubt in her mind that the universe was getting a damn good laugh out of the whole thing. And for that reason only she'd vowed two hours ago to stop blubbering like an idiot. 

Not that it had actually happened right away. No, she had to cry into a batch of chocolate chip cookies after realizing that, yes, she was in fact blubbering like some heartsick fool.

The upside of that, of course, was that the cookies could no longer be baked. So she ended up with a damn good excuse to indulge in the wonders of having real chocolate chip cookie dough as comfort food. Comfort food was a great invention. Whoever thought of it should be rewarded a metal of some kind. The logic was fabulous! Even if she couldn't have the man she wanted, at least she could have all the chocolate, cookies and other junk food that she could stomach and then some. After all, wasn't it a fact that chemically there was no difference between falling in love and large amounts of chocolate? Or was that just something jilted women said as an excuse to dive right into their double chocolate fudge head first?

She was practically swimming in a pair of oversized sweats and a red t-shirt that was so old and faded it was pink. The fuzzy socks she had on had holes in the heels, and her hair was pulled back in a ponytail even sloppier than her half asleep then slept on version. There was some sappy, unrealistic chick flick on TV, and when she was paying attention she was throwing things at the screen and informing Meg Ryan that she was fooling herself because there's no such thing as getting the perfect man _and_ a happy ending.

"Why am I even _watching_ this?" she shouted. Then sat back down, took a bite out of the last cookie still remaining in her hand and pouted at the TV. "Oh, that's right," she grumbled with a mouthful. "Because I usually love this stupid, stupid, sappy, romantic, crappy movie." A whimper passed her lips as she slumped more on the sofa. "And it's either this or watching the clock again. Which," she told the half of a cookie in her hand. "I refuse to do anymore. Because it's getting me nowhere. And I'm not _that_ pathetic."

With a sound that could only be described as a half sigh, half sob, she stuffed the rest of the cookie into her mouth. This wasn't any fun. In fact, this was anti-fun. Pigging out in front of the TV, hating a movie she used to love for the sheer fact that it had a happy ending and she wasn't getting one could very well be called depressing.

Alison Barrington wanted to cry. She wanted to go to bed, pull the covers up over her head, curl up into a ball and cry herself to sleep. Then she wanted to return to her wonderful, happy, _great_ dream where her angel was her husband and her fantastic children had her smile and his eyes. And she wanted to stay there in the dream until the real world looked half as good. Well, maybe a little longer than that even. In fact, maybe she could just stay in that dream until the world stopped spinning or something. At _least_ until her angel got back.

And he would be back, she reminded herself. Because he promised. And something in her knew that R… _he_ would never break a promise to her. Not if he had anything to say about it.

Of course, there was a pretty big possibility that he _wouldn't_ have anything to say about it. Not that she knew for sure where he was, but something made her think he went… back, when he didn't tell her who he was going to see. He trusted her, they were a team, dammit, so if he was anywhere else, to see anyone else then he would have told her. It was that simple.

It was the damn _waiting_ that wasn't simple.

With an exaggerated groan, Alison hugged a pillow to her chest and laid down on the sofa. There were plenty of things she could do to pass the time, she could clean, because after her attempts at baking while bawling the kitchen was a disaster. She could read a book, or better yet, the classifieds. Something made her feel like searching for a new apartment. Maybe she'd live by herself for a while. Not that she wanted to. But, of course, her preferred roommate was being yanked away from her soon.

Against her better judgment, she looked at the clock. "Four hours and nine minutes," she said. And this time, she really did whimper. "What the hell is it with clocks?" Alison wondered aloud after shooting the time piece the glare it had been receiving since he left. "They either move too fast, or too slow. And it's always fast when you don't want it to be, and time just drags when you want it to hurry up and get over with. It's not fair. Nothing is fair anymore!"

With tear filled eyes, she turned to stare at the ceiling above her head. She wouldn't cry, she _refused_ to cry anymore. Rafe didn't like it when she cried, and even though she knew that he knew she had been crying, she didn't want him to see her with puffy red eyes when he finally got back. Whenever _that_ was going to be.

Despite her tight reign on her tears, one slid from the corner of each eye. Growling unhappily at herself, she swiped at them both roughly. Dammit, she thought his name again. See? What the hell was she supposed to do nine days, five hours and thirty-nine minutes from now?

A bitter laugh bubbled from deep inside of her, and a few more tears escaped with the action. Dammit, dammit, damn it! How much more pathetic could she get? Alison cursed under her breath. She was sitting her, once again crying, and counting down the damn _minutes_ until he had to leave.

That was, of course, assuming that he got to come back at all. He did, after all, break the rules. Actually, she was willing to bet he broke a lot of rules. Starting with the fact that she knew about him, then getting so close, and all those kisses couldn't have possibly been allowed, and then he told her about his life, she even knew stuff about his family. Not to mention that they may still be all curled up and naked in bed if she hadn't opened her big mouth and proposed to him.

Seriously, she couldn't help but wonder what the hell she was thinking. Well, to be honest she _wasn't_ thinking. It was nearly impossible to form any sort of a thought with him being that close. She was kind of caught up in the feelings and all those sweet things he said to her and the fact that she loved him so much it hurt. But still, to ask him to _marry_ her? Not that she really asked. It was more like a demand. A very weak, very whispered demand, and one that he could _obviously_ say no to, but a demand none the less.

Still, how could she have been so _stupid_? Alison knew, somewhere inside, she knew even then that the only reason he was allowing himself to get _that_ close to her was because she was hurting. She was hurting, and scared of being rejected, and uncertain what he was really feeling for her. So he had to reassure her, he had to take away her fears of rejection.

He got lost in a fantasy life that he didn't want to get out of. Ok, so they were both _really_ lost in that perfect life of their dreams. That was no excuse for blurting out the words _marry me_ like that. If he was anyone else she might have thought it scared him.

But he wasn't and it didn't. In fact, somehow, she knew he actually loved the idea. Well, she knew he loved the idea because he told her as much. But that didn't mean he was willing to go for it. No matter how much they both wanted it.

A shaky sigh went through her as she fought off the urge to turn her face into the couch cushion and sob. And to think, this day started out so _promising_.

Well, the second time she started it anyway. Alison bit down hard on her bottom lip to keep it from trembling. She liked having him wake her up. She liked hearing his voice first thing, she liked how gentle he was with her, how careful he always was with her. Dammit, she _loved_ falling asleep with his fingers tangled in her hair and listening to him breathing.

So why the hell couldn't she have what she wanted? Not even for a little while, because he was terrified of hurting her. "I hate this," she told the blurry ceiling. "I really, _really_ hate this."

Sitting up again, she buried her face into the pillow, biting back the urge to either scream or cry. Or both. Laughing through the tears that were once again falling, she threw the pillow across the room, giving a satisfied grin at the muffled thump against the wall. She had to do something, she knew that she did or she'd lose it here and now.

She had to stop thinking about him.

Alison stood up and tried to ignore the trembling in her limps. That's what she'd do, she promised herself. She'd stop thinking about him.


	29. Chapter 29

  
**Part II: Chapter 29**   


Rafe sighed and shifted uncomfortably in the hard white chair he was sitting in. His fingertips were drumming an annoying, impatient rhythm on his upper arm. So annoying in fact that he only reason he hadn't stopped hours ago was that he didn't know if it was driving him crazy or keeping him sane. Had it really been hours? It felt like hours. He stared straight ahead, not really seeing anything except for her and the look on her face as when walked out the door. 

In his attempts to keep from hurting her, he'd ripped both their hearts out. It really was almost ironic how things kept turning out lately. Why had he been stupid enough to fall in love with her in the first place was something he'd never understand. Really, he'd managed _this _long without doing something completely idiotic, like falling, so why'd that all have to change _now_? It wasn't like he didn't know that nothing could happen. He knew perfectly well what he was getting into, and he'd gone and done it anyway. 

Of course, she said the same thing. She'd flat out told him that she knew he had to leave. Then she told him she loved him anyway. That she fell in love with him knowing that it couldn't happen between them. Why did things have to be so damn complicated? It would have been much simpler if she'd just… not felt the same. That was probably the worst thing she could have done. He could take leaving her, it wasn't going to be easy and he was going to hate every second of it, but he could take it. What he couldn't handle was hurting her. And now, he was doomed to do just that. No matter what he did. There just wasn't a right way to deal with this. 

There wasn't an easy way out that would keep her from getting hurt. 

He could still be there. He could have just let go, and then he'd still be there all wrapped up in her. They could have at the very least talked it out a little longer. Made it a little clearer. Damn it, he could have at _least_ stayed until she stopped crying. He could have held her, let her know it would all be ok. Yeah, so he was getting stuck on the idea of just being there. Instead he was here. Waiting. 

Patients had never been his strong suit. In fact, he'd never really mastered the art of how to wait at all without pacing until he couldn't stand at all. Granted, he'd gotten slightly better over the years, but not much. Ela had always rolled her eyes and told him he had the patients of a four-year-old. His heart hadn't been in that battle because she was right and they both knew it. But that doesn't change the fact that he hated waiting, always had, more than likely always would. But yet here he was stuck doing just that. Waiting. 

And the worst part was he didn't even know _why_ he was waiting. It wasn't like Ed was going to tell him anything he didn't already know. The man would do anything but tell him what the hell was going on. And yet he'd insisted on meeting him anyway. He'd insisted on it when he knew that he could just turn around and scoop Alison back into his arms. He was an idiot. Truly, the definition of the word. He could still be there holding her, and instead he was here. Rafe shook his head and muttered a curse. This was turning into a very, very long day. And an even longer wait. 

Waiting was horrible. It had to be, without a doubt, one of the worst forms of punishment he could think of off the top of his head. If it weren't for the fact the _he _called the meeting he might think it _was _punishment. Of course, if he didn't know any better he'd think that Ed was making him wait to get on his nerves. Not that it was working. Rafe shifted again in the chair and starting tapping his foot. 

Nope, this wasn't getting on his nerves at all. He was the picture of calm. Everything that cool and collected and indifferent should be. That was him. Absolutely indifferent to this damn never ending _wait_. This wait that was keeping him from being back there with Alison. It wasn't getting to him. Didn't matter at all. He was far too calm to care. 

"Would you stop that?" 

Rafe jumped as the voice boomed behind him and pulled him from his thoughts. He stilled his fingers and turned to see his boss leaning against the door. "Stop what?" 

"Don't play dumb with me, kid. You know I can't stand that." 

"What can't you stand?" 

Walking behind his desk, Ed glared down at him. "Stop with the tapping or I'm going to kick you out. Oh, you know, better yet, I'll keep you and I won't let you get back to your girl anytime soon." A smile crossed his features when the office became silent. "Thank you. You know that I hate that." 

"_I_ hate waiting. And I'm not very good at it." 

"You can say that again," he grumbled under his breath. "So, what brings you here, kid?" 

Rafe didn't bother fighting against the smile. "You know exactly why I'm here, and I know that you know why I'm here. So just answer my question and send me back." 

Shaking his head, Ed couldn't help but laugh. "Look, _I_ didn't do anything wrong. And as far as I know, you haven't screwed up beyond repair." 

"But you do tend to turn the other way from time to time, don't you?" 

The older angel took his seat behind the desk, still chuckling lightly. "Good point, my boy. I do look the other way occasionally. Like when your girl found out that you were sent from up here?"< p>"I didn't tell her," he muttered somewhat defensively. 

"You didn't try to hard to convince her otherwise either, did you, kid?" 

Rafe shifted again in his seat and shrugged. "She's not an easy person to lie to. Well… Not when she's giving you that look, you just can't lie to her. Or I can't, anyway. I'm in so much trouble." 

"Yeah," Ed laughed. "You're in deep, my boy." 

Raising an eyebrow, Rafe cocked his head to the side. "But you haven't pulled me. And you won't either, will you? You're going to send me back, and you're not going to pull me until midnight Christmas Eve no matter what. Mind telling me why that is, boss?" 

"You should have paid closer attention before. How many times must I stress that you need to read your handbook?" Ed asked instead. His laughter died down and it was his turn to shrug. When it became clear Rafe wouldn't accept anything but an answer, he continued, "You don't just have a crush on her, kid. You're in love with her, and she's in love with you. I think this qualifies as getting too close." 

"It's not like I set out to fall for her, Ed!" he said a little louder than he should have. But he didn't blink, just bolted out of his chair and stared pacing. "I didn't set out to fall for her, it just happened. And! And, you know what? I fought against it. I tried to stay away from her, I tried to avoid her, I even tried telling her that it would be best if we didn't spend time together anymore, and she didn't listen, or care. I read the handbook, I know how it goes. I know I have to leave, and I know that it was beyond stupid of me to do this… I don't know _why_ I started feeling this way, and you know what else, I don't really care! I mean, I do care. I do. But only because I know that this is hurting her. I know that no matter what I do… There's no right way to do this. I can't do anything without hurting her, and that's the last thing that I ever want to do. You know?" 

"I know," he answered quickly, taking the opportunity to break into the rant when Rafe paused for a breath. "I know exactly what you mean. You don't want to hurt your girl, but you gotta. Face it, Rafe, you're darned if you do and you're darned if you don't." 

Rafe stopped in front of the desk and crossed his arms in front of him. A half a smile appeared despite his fight against it. "Thank you for not saying 'damned'. But really, you're not telling me anything that I don't already know. I've faced that fact already. I can't do anything to keep from hurting her." 

"Exactly." Ed smiled himself. Leaning back in his chair, he propped his feet up on his desk with a sigh. "So, why don't you do yourself a favor and listen to your girl?" 

"I listen to Alison! I listen to her more than anyone else does. I think I'm always surprising her with just how closely I listen to her-" Sitting back down, Rafe didn't bother trying to suppress his smile. "So, why do you keep calling her that?" 

"Calling her what?" the older man asked. A moment later he sighed at the looking being shot at him from across the desk. Apparently he wasn't any better than playing innocent than the kid was. "Doesn't matter," Ed muttered, waving off the issue with one hand. "What matters is why you are here instead of there with her. Are you crazy, kid? Soak up what time you have with your… Alison." 

"I plan on it. But I'm still not going back on what I told her. We can't go anywhere beyond friendship, I can't… I won't hurt her like that, Ed." 

"You're a good kid," Ed smiled again, shaking his head. "A little mixed up in the head, but a good kid. Just don't blow it." 

"What's to blow? We're friends and we aren't going to be more than that because I have to go. And won't it hurt her just a little bit less if we don't-" 

"Like I said," he interrupted. "You're mixed up. Don't tell me you're so far down that Egyptian river that you can't see you're already more than friends." 

Rafe narrowed his eyes. "I'm not in denial." 

"Please," Ed scoffed. "You're drowning in it." 

"I know how I feel about her. I'm not trying to hide from that, or even how she feels about me!" 

"What do you call pretending that little heart to heart you two had today never happened? You're sitting here trying to convince yourself that you can just be this girl's friend after you told her you're in love with her!" 

"That is not denial. It's the way things have to be." 

Ed shook his head again and he may have actually snorted in disbelief. "You told her that you wanted nothing more than for her to have your children. That you wanted to marry her and live happily ever after. The girl was a puddle at your feet by the time you were through, and there is _no _taking back all the times you've said you love her today." 

"I never said I wanted to take it back," Rafe grumbled, shifting again in the chair, suddenly even more uncomfortable than before. "You weren't-" 

"No! No, no. You're time down there is your time. As long as you get the job done, I'm not going to be watching you that closely." He couldn't help but grin just a little as he shrugged. "But you know how my wife is. She makes a habit of checking up on you. Not to mention she's nosey _and_ a sucker for anything that even resembles a sappy romance. You were apparently pretty good entertainment. She was sobbing for hours…" 

With a groan, he ran his hand over his face and had to laugh. "As much as I adore your wife, mind asking her to _never_ mention that to me or anyone else again? Thanks." 

"I'll try, kid," Ed laughed. "But I make no promises. You know how she gets with you… She's a regular mother hen. I'll have you know days after I send you on assignment I'm still hearing about how horribly I overwork you." 

"I don't complain." 

"That's what I tell her." He studied the kid across from him for a minute before he dropped his smile and sighed. "I think you will after this though. It's going to take some time for you to recover when you've got to come back. You might want to prepare yourself for some serious fussing over when you get back." 

"As long as she promises not to burst into tears every five minutes, I really don't mind." 

"Of course you don't. What kind of guy minds having my wife fuss over them?" Ed shook his head again. "I'm telling you, kid, you just gotta listen to your girl." 

"I listen to her!" 

He paused a moment, his eyes on the wall over Rafe's head as if it was going to give him the right thing to say. "Look, son, I know that you listen to her. Just… try letting yourself believe what she says once in a while." 

Rafe leaned forward, his elbows on his thighs and a smile gracing his face again. "That shouldn't be too hard. It's more of a fight not to believe her." 

"Yeah, I told you she'd be trouble." 

"I really didn't doubt you." 

With a shrug, Ed felt the corners of his mouth twitch with the urge to grin. "Just… You know, getting her with… what's his name… Jamal? That wasn't part of the assignment. So why don't you stop pushing her and just let destiny take it's course, huh?" 

Finding his opening, Rafe leaned back once more and crossed his arms in front of him. "Glad you mention it, boss," he smiled. "Because that happens to be why I'm here. Why don't you just fill me in on Destiny?" 


	30. Chapter 30

  
Filler- One that fills, as: Something added to augment weight or size or fill space.  
Remember, feedback is good for both of our souls! :) 

**Part II: Chapter 30**   


"I just thought we agreed to give them a day without interruption," Livvie sighed into her cell phone. "They needed alone time. Remember when we decided that? They need alone time without the nosy best friend or cousin interrupting." 

_"I know, I know, I know," Lucy groaned. "But I've just got this really bad feeling."_

"So you send _me_ to check up on them? Come on, Lucy, just admit that you want to know what is going on with those two behind closed doors. You want to see if our plan had worked yet. Although, I still say this part wasn't much of a plan." 

_"Livvie, no, really. I think something is wrong. I mean, I'm not going to deny wanting to know what's happening between them right now, but I… I don't know, something just doesn't feel right."_

"So you think the universe is trying to tell you that they need to be fed?" she asked, not willing to bite on the other woman's reasoning just yet. "Rafe wouldn't let anything happen to Alison, you know," she added absently, fighting off the growing ball of dread in the bottom of her stomach as she neared the door. "I know that, or I wouldn't be pushing them together so much, you know?" 

_"Yes, yes, yes, I know. I know! I'm just saying that I feel like something is wrong. You know, maybe they just had a… a fight or something. Just… You know, drop off the food, do a quick survey, make sure neither of them are… I don't know, bleeding from the head or something, then you can leave. You don't even have to be there for five minutes before you can leave again. And, you know, knowing those two they may not even realize you were there at all!"_

"Lucy," Livvie groaned. "What if I… you know… _interrupt_ them?" 

_"Well," Lucy laughed. "Then you can call the mission a success and hightail it out of there. And we'll know whether or not we even need to move on to phase two."_

"Believe me, Lucy, with these two, we're probably going to need phase twenty-two." 

_"As close as they are? You really think we'll need that many phases?"_

"They're two very stubborn people." 

_"Yeah? Well I'm more stubborn. Besides, they can't keep their hands or their lips off of each other. They can't stay away from each other. It's like they need to… I don't know… be together to breathe easy, sometimes."_

"Then how about I turn around and let them continue to… breathe?" 

_"Livvie," Lucy said sternly. "Please, just go! There is something really, really wrong, and I don't know what that is, you know, but I can _feel_ it. I… I just feel like maybe something bad happened. So would you please go check on your best friend and my favorite cousin? Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty please with a whole lot of sugar on the top?"_

"Fine," she sighed. "I'm here anyway." 

_"Oh! Oh! Well… You know… You could just… See if you can hear anything maybe?"_

Livvie pulled the phone away from her ear to stare at it in disbelief. "Excuse me," she asked, returning it to her ear. "Did you just drop you're '_the universe is telling me something is wrong_' act to suggest that I eavesdrop on the two of them? Because, you know, I really don't think I _want_ to hear what's going on in there." 

_"Why not? You're the one convinced it'll take twenty-two phases."_

"Yeah? Will it will be thirty-two if we keep interrupting them, Lucy!" 

_"You're the one convinced there won't be anything to interrupt!"_

"No… No, I didn't say that. You saw them as well as I did last night. I just said it will probably take a lot more work to get them to admit that they are madly, head over heels in love with each other." 

_"I don't think Rafe would… sleep with her without her knowing full well how he feels about her, Livvie! And, you know, he's pretty convinced she can never know."_

"I'm still not sure how it is that she _doesn't_ know!" 

_"Denial, Livvie. They're both in denial. But… oh! You know what? I know what you are trying to do! And I am so not letting you change the subject! Just… put your ear to the door and see if you… you know, hear… anything."_

"I will not press my hear to the door, Lucy," Livvie said, and even while she objected she was moving the pizza box to her other hand. "I don't think I even want to hear what is going on inside there!" 

_"Oh, just get it over with, would you?"_

Grumbling, she rolled her eyes and followed orders. "Um… Lucy? All I hear is music." 

_"Music?"_

"That's what I said." 

_"What kind of music?"_

"What do you mean what kind of music? Music!" 

_Lucy rolled her eyes and sighed. "Romantic music? Christmas music? I-want-you-_now _music… What kind of music?"_

"Oh…" She pressed her ear a little closer to the door. "Bluesy music." 

_"Sexy bluesy?" she asked hopefully._

"Maybe? I don't know, Lucy. It's pretty much just depressing bluesy." 

_"Uh oh."_

"Yeah. Uh oh…" Livvie sighed and took a step back. "I think you may have been right about something being wrong." 

_"You think? You _think_?! Livvie! Would you please knock on the door and see if your best friend and my cousin are ok?"_

"Yeah, yeah, ok… Just a second." Holding the cell phone to her ear with her shoulder, Livvie knocked on the door. 

"Rafe?" she heard Alison shout from inside. A moment later the door opened and her best friend's smile crashed into a frown as an obvious wave of disappointment hit her. After a second she fixed her expression to something just short of polite. "Oh, hi, Livvie." 

"Hey," she smiled brightly, hoping that her friend's smile would reappear. "Lucy thought that you and Rafe might need to be fed… Something about you two not coming out of here for any reason… Especially food. It…" Livvie tilted the pizza box in her direction just a little bit when tears flooded her eyes. "Ally? It's your favorite?" 

"T-Thank you." Shaking her head, Alison took a step back. "You… um… you can come on in. I… R… He's not here, though. So… um… sorry. I think I ruined your plan." 

Livvie frowned as she watched Alison pick up a sponge to wipe off the counter. The smell of bleach was almost overwhelming as she shut the door and followed the other woman inside. "Why don't you sit down and eat something, Ally?" 

"I… I've eaten. Plenty." Alison laughed, and then silently cursed when it was just a little too shaky. 

Nodding, Livvie put her cell back to her ear. "Lucy? Rafe's not here. And… you were definitely right. I'll talk to you later." She clicked off the phone without waiting for a reply and sat the pizza on the counter. "Alison… Did… Did Rafe get…um… taken back?" 


	31. Chapter 31

  
**Part II: Chapter 31**   


Her fingers didn't tremble, they couldn't. Her knuckles were white she was holding onto the sponge so tightly. She couldn't control the shaking throughout the rest of her, but her fingers would _not_ continue to tremble, she couldn't stand to see her hand quivering any longer. Tears blurred her vision once more, and Alison shook her head and tried to chalk it up to the fumes from the dozen or so cleaners she'd used throughout this place. There was an urge inside of her to blame what she was feeling on anything but her emotions, and it would not be denied. 

Right now, her emotions were very dangerous things. 

Very dangerous things, and they threatened to either take her over or bring her down. She couldn't deal with them. Not the feelings, not the thoughts, not the dreams and most of all not the reality of the situation that she'd landed right smack dab in the middle of. She couldn't deal with any of it, because it was all dangerous and terrifying. The fear she'd had of falling had nothing on this fear she had now. The fear of feeling all of the emotions that were raging like a storm inside of her. The only thing she could think of was this need to find shelter, a place to keep her safe and warm in the midst of chaos and power that fueled a storm. 

She needed to find a safe place to stay where she could wait out the storm without feeling it's effects. If she could hide from the storm itself, would she still have to deal with the aftermath? How long would she be picking up the debris from this hurricane of emotions? She couldn't do this. Not yet… Maybe not ever. 

For the first time in as long as she could remember, the window above the kitchen sink was so clean you wouldn't know that it had glass in it at all if not for the reflection. But she continued to scrub at it, desperate to find something to do to keep her mind from working correctly. She needed to not think of him, she'd promised not to think of him. But dammit, her mind always, always returned to him. 

Again she shook her head. Dropping the sponge on the counter, she wiped her hands on her faded blue jeans. Alison sighed shakily, upping the volume of the CD player just a notch with the remote. She closed her eyes briefly and ended up nearly swaying on her feet. With a muttered curse she straightened herself just before she fell, grabbed a dry rag and crossed to the stereo. She dusted like she was sure she'd never dusted before, and this was the second run through. 

Alison bit down on her lip hard to keep it from trembling in time with the rest of her. Her strokes on the front of the TV became just a little harder, but still they flowed smoothly, easily with the heavy blues rhythm pouring from the speakers. 

The music was depressing, and it was hitting close to home. Too close, really. But she liked the song. It seemed to fit her mood perfectly. Besides, she'd alphabetized the CD's by artist hours ago… Or maybe it was by title... She really couldn't be sure. All she knew was that she'd pressed play, hit random, and found this song. After the first few chords it was on repeat. Christmas music was nearly all that was being played on the radio, and she couldn't stand to listen to it. In fact, if she could just pretend the holiday wasn't coming at all this year that would be ok with her. 

The Christmas tree was the only part of the apartment left untouched by some sort of cleaning material. She couldn't stand to go near it, couldn't take the reminder of the how many days. 

Whatever happened to counting down the days until Christmas with excitement and happiness? Why couldn't she look forward to Christmas so much that she was counting down until it got here, until she could open up all the presents under the tree? She used to do it every year as a child, counting down the days until Santa came. And every Christmas eve, she'd count down the _minutes_ until midnight, until it was officially Christmas and the most magical day of the year. 

It wasn't going to be like that this year. Her counting down of the minutes until midnight was just her clinging to any time she could have with her angel. It wasn't a happy countdown this year. It wasn't like when she was five and trying to take off pages of the calendar so that it would get here sooner. Laughing, she wondered if maybe she could just ignore time until it went away. Maybe if she left the calendar on today then tomorrow wouldn't come and she'd have just one extra day with him. Was that really so much to ask? 

Left over decorations and things that had yet to be put up where packed safely in a box and hidden in the back of the closet. She couldn't stand to look at them anymore. Her Christmas Spirit was nowhere to be found, and she was fine with that. Alison had decided quickly enough after bursting into tears upon seeing the Christmas things that ignoring the holiday all together this year wasn't that bad of an idea. Something told her she'd be spending it curled up in bed and waiting for it all to end. 

She'd vacuumed the floors at least two and a half times. The kitchen floor had been mopped with so much bleach and scrubbed until she was pretty sure it was sanitary to eat off of it. She'd already broken about four glasses while washing and rewashing every dish in the kitchen. And two plates that she'd thrown down just to hear them crack. Alison shook her head again, unable to completely comprehend just how dirty some of them had actually been. Or maybe she just needed to keep her hands busy. Maybe she hoped that busy hands would make her mind too busy to think. 

Because he was gone. He was gone, and even _if_ he came back, he was leaving her again. 

And she couldn't think about him. Not anymore. Already it felt like someone had placed her heart on a platter and spoon fed it to her. This aching inside of her, it wouldn't ease. It just kept right on hurting, no matter what she did, it kept hurting. And the pain just increased as the seconds ticked by on the clock that was hanging on the wall. She couldn't do this, she just couldn't. She didn't know how. She didn't know what to do to make this hurt go away. 

She was sinking. That's what the feeling in the pit of her stomach was, a sinking feeling. Slowly, she was going under. The hurt, the anger, the pain, and the heartache were filling her slowly, and soon they'd take her over completely. She'd be over her head, and drowning in all these emotions while she tried to get a grip on the one man that had become her lifeline. She wouldn't be able to reach him though, no matter how far she stretched, no matter how hard she tried. He couldn't save her from this. And it didn't even matter how much he wanted to. 

This hurt… It was an ache. A steady, painful ache that pounded in rhythm with her heart as they both refused to stop. They didn't care that all she'd ever dreamed of had shattered, it didn't matter to her heart that her soul was breaking. She was aching for him and because of him, and nothing could make it go away. God, she needed him here to hold her. She needed him here to run his fingers through her hair and tell her that it would all be ok. 

But she knew that he would never tell her that, even if he were here he wouldn't say that to her. Because he wouldn't lie to her. Once again her teeth bit down hard on her quivering bottom lip. He wouldn't tell her it would be ok, because it wouldn't. There was no way that it could all be ok in the end. He was gone. Either way, when it all came down, he'd be gone. 

And she'll be here. When it all comes down… Alison dropped the rag on the floor to dig the heels of her hands into her eyes, hoping to fend off the tears before they could start yet again. She'll still be here, and he'll still be gone when it all comes down. He'll be gone, and she'll be here, broken hearted, in love, and aching to have him back here with her while she cried for the family and happiness and the _life_ that they should have been able to have together. 

She was back to wanting to crawl in bed, pull the covers up over her head, curl up into a ball and cry herself into oblivion. Alison chuckled through her tears and shook her head. As if that was even possible. After seven hours and twenty-two minutes of sniffling and crying and whining and wanting the world to either stop or bring her angel back to her, she was nothing if not convinced that crying did no damn good. And there didn't seem to be a way to just blackout and pretend none of this ever happened. 

It would be so much easier if she could just do like he said and pretend that today didn't happen. If she could just pretend that she hadn't told him she wanted to have his children, that she was in love with him, that she wanted to _marry_ him. If she couldn't still feel his arms around her, his thumb stroking her bottom lip as if it was something he thought should be treasured. If she could just forget the way that he looked at her as if she was some breathtaking work of art made by the hands of God himself just for him to admire, cherish and love. It would be so much easier than feeling like this – like she'd handed herself over to him only to be refused. 

He was just trying to protect her, she knew that. It didn't make it hurt any less, but she did know that. It wasn't that he didn't love her or want her or wish they could have all their dreams come true together. Maybe it would have been easier if that _was_ the case. But, no, as it is, he would do anything for her. Including trying to keep her from getting even closer to him than she already is no matter how much it hurt them both. He didn't want to hurt her, so he just ripped her heart out. 

The worst part about it was, she really did know what she was getting into. She'd known without a doubt that falling for him was going to hurt. Alison sighed, she just didn't know how _badly_ it would really hurt. She didn't know anything could possibly hurt this much without killing her. 

Shaking her head, Alison took a deep breath. She forced her hands away from her face as she tried once more to push all these thoughts of him out of her mind. "Stop it," Alison hissed at herself in disgust. "If… _when_ he gets back, he doesn't need to see that you've spent the entire time crying. Get a grip and get over it." 

A shuddering sigh of relief passed through her as the sound of someone knocking sang through the room. A smile found it's way to her face, and before she could attempt to stop it she heard his name pouring from her lips. She tried her best to ignore the slight shaking in her knees as she crossed quickly to the door. 

Alison paused with her hand on the doorknob and with little thought pulled her hair free from the ponytail with her other hand. It had nothing to do with how she'd look and everything to do with the longing to feel his fingers in her hair. Shoving the holder in her pocket she swung the door open to find her best friend. The wave of disappointment that hit her was nearly overwhelming, threatening to drown her here and now. 

Seeing the look on the other woman's face, she tried to shake the urge to slam the door and crawl in a hole to cry herself to death. The worry in her eyes was simply too much to take, so Alison tried to force her very best fake smile and knew she hadn't even come close. "Oh," she whispered after a second. "Hi, Livvie." 

"Hey," Livvie said, her smile bright despite the questions being screamed in the look in her eyes. "Lucy thought that you and Rafe…" 

She was still speaking, and somewhere in the back of Alison's mind it registered that maybe she should pull herself from this to listen. But she couldn't seem to find her way out, she was swimming against the tide just trying to keep her head above water, and the sound of his name was almost enough to undo her by itself. Rafe… Oh, God, she want to cry even more than before. 

"Ally," her friend said softly, catching her wandering attention with nothing but concern laced throughout her. "It's your favorite?" she offered, and from the look on her face it was obvious that she knew it wasn't what the blond needed or wanted. 

Shaking her head to try and clear any thoughts of what, or rather who, it was she needed and wanted that were threatening to pop up, Alison stuttered a weak thanks. Stepping back from the door, she tried to gesture for her friend to follow and found she couldn't move smoothly any longer. "You… um… you can come in." Another step back, and she found her movements frighteningly jerky and on the edge. And this was an edge she couldn't handle falling over, not now. "I… R…" Alison bit back a groan at her inability to say his name for fear of bursting into tears. Walking to the counter absently, she tried to push this feelings from her mind as she spoke over her shoulder, "He's not here, though. So… um… sorry. I think I ruined your plan." 

Alison suppressed a sigh and absently took the sponge she'd dropped on the counter earlier back into her once again trembling fingers. She could feel her friend's eyes on her as she roughly wiped at a nonexistent spot on the counter. But she knew that she couldn't deal with anyone else's emotions right now. She still couldn't even begin to try and deal with hers. 

"Why don't you sit down and eat something, Ally," Livvie suggested, her tone not all that different from the one you heard "mothers" use on TV commercials for children's medicine. 

Because sitting down meant staying in one place, and if she stayed in one place she'd fall apart completely. Moving was the only way thus far that she'd actually managed to keep it all together for five minutes at a time. "I… I've eaten," she said instead. "Plenty." Rolling her eyes, Alison tried to laugh only to find that it was about as close to a sob as it could get without being one. She wasn't sure if the following curse was ringing in her head or her ears. 

Her swipes of the sponge against the counter became harder as she heard Livvie speaking into her phone from what seemed like miles away. She didn't listen to what she was saying, just heard voice rumbling. Alison openly flinched as she heard his name and turned to face her friend with what she hoped was defiance in her eyes instead of pain. 

Livvie sat the pizza box on the counter, and Alison wondered if she ignored the warning glare shot her way or if she just didn't notice. "Alison… Did… Did Rafe get…" Once again Alison flinched when she heard his name spoken, but Livvie seemed too wrapped up in trying to find the right words to catch her reaction. "um… taken back?" 

"No," she answered, surprising herself with the ice that was thrown in that one little syllable. 

"Oh," Livvie whispered, blinking in surprise. "Then what happened?" 

"Nothing." That's it, Alison told herself, one word answers and maybe, just maybe she would be able to get through this hell currently disguised as a conversation. 

"You can tell me," she prompted gently. "I know all about Rafe being an angel." 

"My angel," the blond murmured under her breath before turning her back to look out the window above the sink. "There's… There isn't anything to tell, Livvie." 

"There's a lot to tell, Alison! When I left the two of you here earlier you were laughing so loud I could hear you through the door. Obviously, there is something to tell because now you look… I don't know, destroyed or something. What happened, Ally?" 

Shaking her head slightly, Alison pressed her palm against the glass as she watched a blond little girl cross the street. Tears were in her eyes and their laughter echoed through her mind with his words as the most beautiful backdrop possible. He wanted children with her. If she closed her eyes tight enough, if she tried hard enough, she could still feel his hands on her. God, please let her always be able to remember his touch. Her tongue darted out to wet her bottom lip as she closed her eyes against the tears she felt welling up yet again. For a second, it was almost as if he was standing in front of her, brushing away her tears. She could help but wonder if she'd always be able to remember his touch this way. She wanted too. And he wanted her. 

"Ally?" Livvie asked again, panic creeping up in her voice. Gently she laid a hand on her friend's shoulder and caused her to jump nearly a foot in the air before spinning around. She swallowed hard at the site of tears and desperation in her wild eyes, God, she knew that look. "What happened, Alison?" 

"I…" Alison shook her head forcefully. "It doesn't matter." 

She grabbed her trembling hands, knowing somehow that she needed to find a way to reach her. "Yes," Livvie corrected sternly. "Yes, it _does _matter, Ally. Tell me what happened. What did Rafe do?" 

With quickly widening eyes, Alison pulled her hands out of her friend's a took a step back. "He didn't do anything." 

"Obviously he did, Ally, or you wouldn't look like this right now!" 

Running a hand through her hair quickly, Alison attempted to laugh it off only to find that laughing wasn't a possibility. "Look like what?" she settled for asking after a moment, hoping the innocent act would actually work. 

"Like you've just lost your best friend," she answered, pity lining her tone. 

"You're here." 

"I meant Rafe." 

"He's not here." 

Livvie took a step forward, reaching out again with the intent to take her hands only to stop when Alison started backing away. "Ally, what happened? What did Rafe do to you? Was I wrong about him? Did he hurt you?" 

"He's an angel, Livvie," Alison sighed, trying hard to gather the energy to be upset by the obvious meaning behind those words. But all her fight seemed to be going into the battle against breaking, against shutting down completely. "He's _my_ angel, Livvie." 

"Ally… If he hurt you…" 

"He didn't hurt me! Not… He would never raise a hand to any woman. I mean, my God, Livvie, he's terrified of scaring me when I grab him and kiss him! Stop looking at me like you're expecting to find bruises. He's an angel, Livvie! He's a goddamn _angel_. He'd never, _ever_ purposely hurt me." Alison turned her back again quickly, looking back out the window in an attempt to block out any more of this conversation. 

"Oh…" Trailing off, she studied her back in confusion. "Is this about Jamal?" 

"Who?" Blinking, she tried to get a grasp on what had just happened. Alison couldn't be sure, but she thought that maybe things had taken another turn without signaling properly. "Oh… No, this isn't about Jamal. I don't even know what _this_ is." 

"_This_ is you looking like you're two seconds from breaking down, Ally!" 

"I-I'm not," she answered, hoping her words sounded stronger and more convincing to Livvie than they did to her own ears. 

"Alison," Livvie whispered, her voice raw when emotion for her friend who looked so close to the breaking point. "I know that Rafe's an angel… And I know that you love Rafe-" 

Before she knew what was happening, Alison had a plate in her hand and was throwing it across the room. "Stop," she ordered. "Just stop. Stop saying his name." 

Flinching, Livvie took a step closer to the other woman who was now openly crying. "Ally, just tell me what happened. What did R… What did he do?" 

Shrugging, Alison slid down until she was sitting with her back against the cabinets. "Nothing." 

"That's not true." 

Bitter laughter finally flowed from deep within her, clashing with her sobs to tear at any soul that could hear her. "He just ripped out my heart, Livvie, it's nothing. Really. Just like I said, nothing. He just ripped my heart out, and I think he broke his too, but it doesn't matter. It's nothing. Just let it go, please, I can't do this if I have to deal with it. I-I can't even do this without dealing with it. I can't… I don't know what to do to get out, you know, and it hurts to be here…" 

Not knowing what to do, Livvie settled finally for sitting beside her and rubbing her back as she sobbed. "Hey, Ally, it's going to be alright." 

"No," she shouted through a sob. "It's _not_ going to be alright. I can't be ok if he's gone. Can't you see that? It won't be alright." 


	32. Chapter 32

  
**Part II: Chapter 32**   


"It won't ever be alright," Alison whimpered, knowing that the words had become a mantra during her latest crying spell. Her throat was raw, whether from screaming or crying or simply repeating again and again for a good twenty minutes that it wouldn't be ok, she didn't know. "It won't ever be alright." 

With a sigh, Livvie pushed her friend's blond hair away from her face and handed her a tissue. "Yes, it will, Ally. I know that it will." 

Shaking her head, Alison wiped at her nose, keeping her face down and her knees tightly against her chest. "He's gone, Livvie. And it's for good." 

"I-I thought you said he didn't get… you know, taken back." 

Again she shook her head, closing her burning eyes she tried to muster up the energy to answer her friend. "He didn't. He just… Said he had to go see someone, and he didn't' tell me who." 

"Up there?" she asked, raising her eyes to the ceiling and trying not to feel utterly ridiculous for it. 

"Yeah, if it was anything else he would have told me," she sighed, biting down on her wobbling bottom lip again. "He'll be back though, because… He promised me. He won't break a promise to me, you know. But still… I've gotten to used to calling him or searching him out when I need a shoulder to cry on or even… even just to see him. I don't know what to do, because he's become the one person that could just hold me while I cried it until it's better. But, Livvie, he's leaving again on Christmas Eve, and then he's just gone. For good. And it's not even like I can write him or call him, you know? So I can't see how it's ever going to get better. He's just gone, and I don't even have the option of going with him." 

"Would you?" She shifted her weight, hoping she didn't look like the question had slipped by without thought. "I mean… Not… I'm not saying…" Taking a deep breath, she watched Alison avoid her gaze completely for a moment before trying again. "If things were different, if Rafe wasn't an angel and he was just leaving because of… I don't know, business or something… Would you go with him?" 

Alison nodded, her eyes still not meeting her friend's. "Yeah, I would. And he couldn't stop me. Even if things _weren't_ different, Livvie… If it were an option – which it's not – I'd still go with him, even now." She wiped her tears away with the back of her hand before standing and walking into the living room. "He'd always blame himself though, if anything happened to me, and I don't want that. We're just stuck not getting to have what we both know could be the most amazing thing ever. Because me and Rafe… Livvie, we _could _be everything every little girl ever dreamed of and you know it. But we can't, we're just stuck having to settle for being friends for ten more days." 

Standing as well, Livvie reached across the counter for the box of tissues again, grabbing the whole thing this time as she followed her friend with her eyes. "Ally," she chided lightly. "Sometimes you just have to take what you can get, you know? I know that Rafe is going to be leaving, but what you two have… Even however little time you have should be spent together, because you two are just… I don't know, magical together. There's just this chemistry between you that every stranger on the street is jealous of. Don't get me wrong, I love Jack, but most of us would kill to have a man look at us the way Rafe looks at you." 

"Yeah," she grinned, absently picking up the single pink rose from it's water and twirling it between her thumb as forefinger. Lifting it to her nose, she inhaled it's scent, fighting against the path back to that day that her mind wanted to take. "It is pretty magical when we're together. And I love the way that he looks at me. I just… He looks at me like I'm perfect, you know, even though I think he's seen me at my worst. I just love him so much. I'd do it, if it were only up to me. I'd settle for what time we do have together. But…" Alison sighed, dropping the rose back into the vase. "He won't… Rafe hates the idea of hurting me. I mean, he's just terrified of it." 

"So you're just supposed to be ok with it?" 

"No," she murmured softly, walking back toward the kitchen window. "I don't have to be ok with it, and neither does he. We both hate this, you know." Alison stared out the window, frowning at the stars. "It's not like he wants it this way, Livvie. He wants _me_." Turning she faced her best friend with a challenge in her eyes. "He _loves_ me." 

"I know. Everyone saw it before the two of you, remember?" 

"Yeah, I know," Alison sighed, sliding down the cabinet until she was sitting in the same place as before. "You could have clued me in sooner, you know." 

"No, I couldn't have. You were convinced that you weren't in love with him. Remember? You went around here for days insisting that very thing." 

"It seems like it happened kind of fast, I guess," she muttered. Pulling her knees back up to her chest, she dug her fingernails into the denim that stretched across her thighs. "It didn't though. I mean, I know it doesn't make any sense, but it's like there was just this… spark of something between us from the very first time we met. It's always been there, and it just grows and grows with all the time we spend together. I love him, Livvie, so much more than I ever thought I could. It was stupid of me to even try and deny it. It's like there is this fire inside of me whenever he touches me, and I don't want it to ever go out. He'll just put his hand on me, and it can be completely innocent, but it just burns me, you know? And I want him. I just… I've never felt like this before, Livvie, and I like it. A lot. But, I know… I know that nothing can happen between us, because Rafe wouldn't hurt me like that." 

Sitting down opposite of her, she watched as Alison tried once more to organize her emotions into easy to handle compartments without much success. "It's hurting you anyway though. _He _is hurting you anyway. Doesn't he know that?" 

"Yeah. I told him, you know, trying to use that line of logic. Besides, he could see it, he knows me so well… Better than I do, I think. He didn't go for it, though. He's more concerned with the closer we are the harder it's going to hit when he goes." Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, Alison slid her palms from her knees to her toes, smoothing out the material of her jeans. She repeated the process again, just to feel the denim beneath her palms. She didn't know when it was she decided to try and concentrate on the little things, but it seemed like a good plan. Little things had to be easier to handle. She took another deep breath, counting to ten as she let it out and hoping that it would keep the tears from her voice. "I also told him I dreamed of having his children." 

Watching her best friend shrug it off as if it was nothing, she felt her jaw drop to the floor. "You what?" 

"Told him about the dream I had where I had his kids. I told him that I'm in love with him." Laughter bubbled from within her, and while it wasn't bitter it still held very little humor. "I asked him to marry me… Or rather, I told him to marry me." 

"You're kidding!" Livvie let out the breath she wasn't aware she was holding before she caught the flicker of guilt in the other woman's eyes. "Right?" 

Alison shook her head again, still laughing lightly. "Nope. I was sort of… caught up in the moment." She grabbed her toes and wiggled them, trying to warm them up. She shrugged her shoulders. "Don't worry," she muttered, catching a glimpse of the worried look on her friend's face. "He pretty much told me no way, no how." 

"Ally, if he told you that he didn't feel that same way… I mean, If Rafe tried to say that he's not like unimaginably in love with you then…" 

"He didn't," she murmured, finally meeting Livvie's eyes with a smile. "He said just the opposite in fact. That he wished with everything he had that things were different, that we could have all those things, you know? He told me that the greatest thing on this earth would be calling me his wife. He said he wanted children with me…" Her fingertips somehow found their way to her bottom lip, where his touch still echoed silently as she allowed herself to think of earlier. "Twins." 

"Twins?" Livvie asked, raising her eyebrows. 

"Yeah… I've always wanted twins, you know. And they run in his mother's side of the family. I already decided that we'd have to name our little girl Destiny." Her smile wobbled just a little, but she kept on smiling as she brushed away a stray tear. "They'd have my hair, and my smile, and his eyes. I love his eyes, I can just get so lost in them. We'd have twins and then some, because we both want lots of kids. We'd have this perfect family, you know? He's great with kids, you should have seen him at the hospital last night. Rafe would make a wonderful father. We would be great parents." 

"Yeah, you would." Whispering a curse, Livvie brushed at her own tears. "Destiny sounds like the perfect name. And it fits." 

"Yeah… I… um… I-I guess I'll have to hold onto that one in my dreams where we can actually have it all." Her eyes wandered from her friend again to stare blankly at the cabinet door beside her. "We'd be great together, you know. We'd have the perfect marriage and the perfect children… And every night I could fall asleep in his arms where I… I would know that he loves me more with every breath I take and I'm so in love with him that nothing else in the world matters except our family… Us and our children. He's so amazing… He's perfect for me, you know." 

"Yeah… I know. I think you're perfect for each other." 

"Then why can't we be together," Alison whispered, her voice cracking when a fresh wave of tears come and nearly knocked her back over the edge she'd just clawed herself up from. 

Handing her a tissue, Livvie scooted to sit beside her best friend once more. "Life isn't fair, Ally. But… I swear to God, Ally, I had no idea that it would end up hurting you this much or I never would have started pushing you toward him." 

Alison just shrugged her shoulders and put her head down on her friend's shoulder. "He loves me, Livvie. And I love him too, you know? So, so, so much… It's not right that we don't even get a chance to… to have it all. We could, if we just had the chance… We'd have it all, Livvie. We could be the stuff fairytales are made of if we only had the chance. I know that we could. We could be the ones that end up living happily ever after." 

"Ally," she whispered, hugging her friend with one arm to her side. "You already _are_ the stuff that fairytales are made of. He… Rafe is a real life angel, and he just dropped down here from heaven and fell head over heels in love with you. You've still got a chance to have something that doesn't even come around once in a lifetime for most people. You just… you have to remember that not every romance has a happy ending." 

"But we should! We… God, Livvie, if things were different, if he didn't have to go back… I know," she sobbed, bringing up a hand to rest against her chest, her palm feeling the heavy pounding of her pulse. "I know in my heart that we'd have a happy ending." 

"Ally, there's no such thing as happily ever after. There's-" 

"You don't know that!" she interrupted, her voice raising with each word. 

"Yes, oh, sweetie, yes I do. There's always something. It's never happily ever after." 

Angrily, Alison pushed her away. With her puffy red eyes, she glared at her sideways. "There would be for me and Rafe. We'd live happily ever after." Moving before she could talk herself out of it, Alison sat down besides the shards of glass. She muttered a curse under her breath and picked up the biggest piece of what had once been a plate. "I know that… you have a right to be just a little bit jaded, Livvie, after everything that's happened. But I'm not just being optimistic or stupid. If he didn't have to leave… There's nothing in this world that could tear us apart." 

Livvie was taken aback, even through her tears of despair she sounded so certain. "Ally-" 

Shaking her head, Alison interrupted her. "I know that things are the way they are, Livvie. I'm not… I'm not thinking that if I wish, or hope, or pray hard enough it will all change, you know? But I know, without a doubt, that if things _were_ different, then we'd be together forever. And then some, even." 

Moving to sit beside her friend once more, Livvie hesitated a moment before putting her hand on Alison's wrist. "You cannot change things though, Ally." 

Raising her eyes in mild surprise, Alison felt a smile tug at the corners of her mouth. "I'm not going to do anything stupid, Livvie." She paused and ran her finger over the broken edge of the glass, somehow managing not to cut herself. "Do you think I could crazy glue it back together?" 

"The plate?" She'd be willing to bet that her look gave away how thrown she was by the sudden turn of the conversation, but she didn't really care at the moment. Her concern was resting with the glass held in her best friend's trembling hand. "Why? It's in a hundred pieces, Alison, and it's not really special or anything is it?" 

"No." Alison shrugged her shoulders. "It's just something to do to keep my mind off of things. It's easier if I don't have to think about it. Not that I've actually managed to stop thinking about it." With a shaky sigh, she threw away the piece of glass and started picking up the rest. "I know that I can't change things. I don't have to like how things are though. Because I love him, and he loves me, and we _should_ get the chance to live happily ever after." Alison raised her once again tear filled eyes to meet her friend's with a level glare. "And we would." 

"Yeah," Livvie nodded, not even bothering to try and convince herself that she was just humoring her. "If anyone could, Alison… If there will ever be a couple to live happily ever after, I think it would be the two of you." 


	33. Chapter 33

  
**Part II: Chapter 33**   


"… So basically it's not written in stone, kid. Your cousin, Lucy, _also _has a point, sometimes you just have to grab the reigns and steer fate wherever you want it to go." 

Rafe sighed and blinked his eyes open. Shaking his head, he glanced at his watch. "Wow, Ed, two hours to avoid a question. That's got to be a record, even for you." 

"Your sarcasm does not please me, my son," the older angel muttered, fighting a smile. 

Rolling his eyes, he laughed lightly at the attempt to joke. "Boss, if you don't mind, I'd kind of like to get back to see Alison sometime this… oh, I don't know, eternity, maybe." 

"My, my, my, my boy, it is becoming clear to me that a certain someone rubbed off on you during your lifetime after all…" 

"Ed," Rafe said, his tone taking on something that bordered on being either a threat or a warning. And maybe just a dash of whining for good measure. 

"Which is really much better than you rubbing off on her," Ed continued as if he hadn't even spoken. "Although I get the sneaking suspicion that happened as well. She was right about you, you know. You really are impossible to deal with sometimes, kid. I have a whole new respect for the girl," the older angel stated, rolling his eyes. "I don't know why she put up with you for so long, Rafe, my boy." 

"She loved me," Rafe replied, shrugging his shoulders and fighting a smile. "If you'll remember, I put up with her. And, please, it's not like you didn't think she was perfect anyway. You've always been convinced that she could do no wrong." 

"I never said she was perfect! She does have her flaws… However few and far between as they may be." A smile tugged at his lips for a second before he gave in and allowed it to show. "Of course, if that were true, then she got it from me." 

"You're forgetting that her mother is the perfect one. And you are the one that keeps telling me that," he smirked, rolling his eyes. "You gonna answer my question any time this century?" 

"Not if I can help it." 

"Ed!" 

Chuckling, Ed shrugged his shoulders then shook his head. "I'm impressed that you figured it out so quickly. The way Nadia always ranted on about you I was sure that it would take you a lot longer to catch on." 

"But it didn't," Rafe smiled. "So why don't you tell me what you're up to?" 

"Who says I'm up to anything," he asked innocently. His shoulders rose and fell on a sigh when a glare was shot his way. "Look, kid, I just told you, fate isn't etched in stone. I don't know what's going to happen with your girl five minutes from now, and even if I did I couldn't tell you because you're too close. I just thought that you and the pretty blond needed a little bit of a wake up call. If it happened to come in the form of a little girl that looked just like the two of you and was named Destiny then so be it." 

"A wake up call to what, Ed? The fact that we're in love with each other?" Crossing his arms again, Rafe sighed unhappily. "Considering the way that things are, don't you think it would have been better to just keep that one under wraps?" 

"No," he drawled, letting a little exasperation slip into his voice. "I don't think that at all. If I've learned one thing about you, son, I've learned that you are horrible to have to be near when you're miserable. And you would have been nothing short of miserable if you'd lost your chance to tell your girl what's going on in that soft heart of yours." 

"Ed," he muttered, shaking his head. "I think we're both pretty much going to be nothing short of miserable after it's over and done anyway." 

"That may be true, but at least you won't have to be miserable _and_ wonder if there was a chance she felt the same way about you. Just remember that Ed knows best, ok, kid?" 

Rafe started drumming his fingers unhappily as he tried to control his temper. "You really don't," he snapped finally. "She was crying, because she dreamed about us having children and I had to tell her that it wasn't going to happen." 

"You didn't have to tell her that." 

"Ed!" 

"Ok, ok, sheesh, so maybe I went a little too far and her imagination got a little too carried away. But really, this whole _nothing-can-happen_ idea is entirely yours. Last I checked you had ten more days to soak up what time you could with her." 

"I've never been the love 'em and leave 'em type, Ed, you know that as well as anyone. What makes you think I'd do that to her? I'm not my father!" 

"This much I know. And you can't begin to imagine how happy I am about that fact, my boy. You can't being to imagine how happy your aunt and my daughter are and always have been about that fact. But you can't base every decision on the fear of hurting someone or getting hurt. I thought Nadia taught you that much while you were alive." Ed shifted his weight, leaning forward in his chair. "Sometimes you have to take risks." 

"She doesn't. Not anymore." 

"That's right!" Nodding, Ed pointed at him before leaning back once again. "That's right. And she's a shell of herself because of it. She's so wrapped up in hurt over losing you and blaming herself for not getting there two seconds sooner that she's lost more than even she knows. All those risks she took, no matter how many times she's been burned, she still put her heart out on the line, and it _never _mattered who thought it was wrong or right. You could have learned a lot more from her than you did." 

"She shouldn't blame herself," Rafe sighed. "All she did was love him." 

"But she loved you more. Losing you… She lost a part of herself, you know. You can still see it if you ever look in on her. People always said you and Ela were the other halves of each other, but you were always a much bigger part of her than your sister. And no matter what was going on in anyone's life, she put you first. She loved you more." 

"Elso jön családom," he muttered under his breath. He inhaled sharply as the sound of her voice entered and echoed in his mind. Rafe stood quickly, pacing in front of the desk as he fought to pull his mind back to here and now. "I've never been given a choice," he snapped after another moment of silence. "I didn't get to choose staying or going. I've **never** had the choice, Ed!" 

"Kid," he groaned. Tiredly running a hand over his face, he found himself oddly regretful for bringing up the topic. "You had a choice. From the moment you learned to speak, the choice was yours. All you had to do was say no. No one forced you into that life, and no one forced you into the afterlife." 

"You think I _wanted_ to leave her? Knowing her as well as I do… As well as I did, Ed, you think I didn't know that she'd blame herself if anything happened to me? You think I want to leave Alison ten days from now? Really, tell me where I have a choice when it comes to leaving her!" Turning quickly on his heel, Rafe put his palms flat on the smooth surface of the desk and leaned his weight forward. His voice dropped to a thick, emotion clogged whisper as he stared at his hands, unable to meet the eyes of his mentor of the last ten years. "I don't have a choice, Ed. Once again, I'm just forced to follow the path that was chosen for me." 

"You _always_ have a choice, son." 

"I know what you're getting at-" 

"Then what's stopping you?" 

Bitter laughter filled the room, and the anger, fear and sadness that were rolling off of him in waves threatened to take over for just a moment before he shook them from his head and took a step back. When he met the older angel's eyes, he did so not caring that every emotion whirling around inside of him could be seen. "I'd still have to leave her." 

"Sometimes, kid, you have to settle. Often times, you're in a take what you can get situation, and this is one of them. Do you really want to spend the rest of eternity playing the _what if_ game?" 

"I've never been afraid to take risks, Ed. You know that as well as anyone. But, sometimes, there's a fine line between taking a risk and doing something stupid." 

"And, boy, do you line to straddle that line," he muttered with a knowing smile. 

"I fell for her," he said, nodding in agreement. Rafe sighed and sat back down. "It was stupid. I shouldn't have done it, but it was worth it. Just… Just being near her, Ed, it was worth the risk. But you know me. I'll take risks, but the second rule… I won't risk hurting her even more." 

"Don't you think I know the rules, kid? You're damn lucky I wasn't the one _teaching_ _you_ the rules." Ed shook his head, glaring until the kid relaxed just a little. "Sometimes, there's something to be said for breaking the rules. You used to love to do it when you were just tiny. Before you let the family take you over." 

"The family didn't take me over, Ed," Rafe muttered, shaking his head sadly as he settled back into the chair. "The girls came first. Elso jön családom," he repeated. "First comes my family. That doesn't mean I let them take me over. I put their safety and happiness first, before some age old debt, and before duty, or _honor_. Did that make me a bad person? Obviously not, because I'm here. You're so damn fond of your rule book, and you're telling me to take risks and break the rules, but you… You're forgetting that I've been the one that held her while she cried." 

"Which one are we talking about here?" 

"Either or," he replied, shrugging his shoulders before crossing his arms over his chest. "It doesn't really matter now, does it?" 

"Look, kiddo, I'm just trying to tell you that sometimes it's worth the risk. You never know when something… You never know when it'll work. There's always the chance that you were the one man made just for her. Destiny likes to surprise everyone from time to time." 

"I've held her while she cried, Ed. I've wiped away her tears, and I've trying to calm her down when everything got to be too much for her. I've _seen _her in pain, I've even tried to help make it better once or twice. I won't… I _can't_ go into something knowing that I'm leaving. I won't hurt her that way. I _can't_ hurt her that way. I'd sell my soul before I did anything that I even thought would cause her an ounce of pain. As it is, I'm hurting her so much… And it tears at me to do it, but… I love her." 

"So then if you love her…" he trailed off, waving his hand to get his point across. 

"You love your wife enough to spend eternity with her, Ed. Are you telling me that you don't love her enough to walk away if it meant that she'd hurt less in the end?" 

"Point taken." Crossing his own arms in front of him, Ed leaned back in his chair and studied the younger version of a man he used to know so well. "Your father was a screw-up, kid. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother, but he was always a screw-up. And as many siblings as we had it's always been baffling to me that he ended up having all the best under his roof." 

Unhappiness oozed from every fiber of him, and he knew it didn't go unnoticed. He looked away, his eyes finding the white wall above his superior's head. "Is there a point to this trip down Memory Lane, or do you just think we need the exercise?" 

"Don't I always have a point?" he asked, raising an eyebrow in question. 

"Well obviously that's debatable." 

"My point is," Ed said, choosing to ignore the bait that was being set before him. "He was an idiot, and he hurt your mother. He broke the one rule we don't break, and you are going to spend the rest of eternity with a grudge against him because of it. But he was proud of you. He was proud of the man you were, he's probably burning in hell proud of the man that you _are_. He was proud of you, of everything you accomplished and everything you should have been able to accomplish. And I'm still in shock that he had a hand in raising you or my daughter at all. Because you and the girls – even Ela – are the only thing that he ever did right in his life." 

"Ed-" 

"No, no." He held up a hand to block anything further from being said. "Let me finish." He waited until Rafe nodded before he continued. "You have a good heart, and a good soul. You aren't going to become my screw-up brother, you couldn't if you tried because deep down, you've always been what your aunt calls a tender soul. I know that you don't want to hurt Alison, and I'm proud of the sacrifices that I know you're making by letting her go. But – and this is the big one – life isn't fair. It wasn't fair that you were taken so soon, and it's not fair that you have this chance at happiness placed in your lap only to know that you're going to be yanked away from it. Your girl is going to hurt either way, Rafe, even after she eventually moves on just a little from the pain of losing you. She's going to be hurt, because life is a very painful thing, son. And you of all people should know that considering the life that you led and the darkness that surrounded you. You have to wonder if _she_ is really going to be better off always wondering _what if_." 

"Don't you think I _have _wondered that?" Rafe asked softly. "Don't you think I've been selfish enough to think about just taking her to bed and being done with it? I don't love her halfway, Ed. I love her too much to take the risk with _her_ heart." 

Ed nodded, knowing he wasn't going to get anywhere and accepting defeat. "Then go back to your girl, Rafe, my boy. Just hold her a little tighter, because you don't know how much you're going to miss the feeling of her in your arms." 

Standing once more, Rafe nodded back. "Yeah, I think I do know." He turned to go, and paused inside of the doorway, turning when he heard his name being called. 

"If I didn't mention it before, I'm proud of you, too, son. And you deserved a lot better than what life gave you." 

"Thanks." He turned, starting to leave once more before he turned again. "And you were wrong." He smiled at the look of confusion that passed the other angel's face. "We weren't lucky that you weren't the one teaching us the rules." 

"It's a good thing you're more like me than your father." Smiling, Ed stood and waved his hand in dismissal. "Now get out of here!" 

"Whatever you say. See ya, boss." 

  
Previous Falling Menu Next 


	34. Chapter 34

  
**Part II: Chapter 34**   


Alison nodded absently at her friend as she continued to talk about a topic that didn't even begin to gain her interest. Her eyes raised when she heard the other woman's voice pause, taking this as her cue she nodded again. "Uh huh," she prodded, dutifully. Her eyes strayed back to the cold slice of pizza in her lap when Livvie continued though. She picked it up, trying to ignore the lurch her stomach did at the thought of food, she took a tiny bite. 

It took a moment to work up the courage to break into her story about nothing that she knew Alison wasn't listening to. But watching her for however long it was that she had been here was enough to scare her into speaking her mind. "Ally, if you don't want it, I'll find you something else, but you need to eat real food," Livvie stated again, trying not to let her concern reach her voice. 

Her stomach did a cartwheel and the pretty little knot it was tied up in pulled just a little tighter. "This is great," she said, forcing a none too convincing smile and taking another bite. Alison sent up a silent prayer that she'd be able to keep it down. 

"I know that you're depressed, Ally, but you have to eat." 

"I have eaten," she insisted again. "I totally pigged out on chocolate chip cookie dough." She paused for a second before letting out a bark of nearly bitter laughter. "I guess that doesn't make you think I'm any less depressed does it?" 

Livvie simply looked at her for a moment, sadness and what could almost be described as pity etched across her face. "Ally, you need to get _real_ food in your stomach, not just chocolate chip cookies. I can go get you a burger if you want, I can run to Kelly's really quick and get you some chili, or I can have something else delivered. Anything you want! But you need something not sweet to eat." 

Once again, Alison nodded in defeat and forced herself to take another bite. She didn't cringe as she chewed it slowly, though it was a battle not to, she just grabbed her glass of milk to help her swallow it down. "Thank you for caring," she whispered after a moment, her eyes never leaving the plate in her lap. "I mean… I could understand if you just left after I started throwing things…" 

"Please," she scoffed, trying to give her a reassuring smile and finding herself a little too afraid for her friend to manage. It probably didn't matter anyway since Alison hadn't met her eyes since they'd cleaned up the glass from the broken plate. "You stuck by me when I'd been brainwashed into thinking I was in love with a vampire. I'd say I've got to be a much better friend than I have been before we're even." 

"Livvie-" 

"No, no! Really, Alison. You've been the best friend I could ever ask for. And believe me I've felt like breaking things before. I'm going to be here for you whether you like it or not. Just like you were for me, alright?" Automatically, she reached out to lay a comforting hand on the shoulder of her friend, but she found herself hesitating when she realized that Alison probably didn't want her touching her. "Will you let me be your friend, Ally?" she asked, finally setting her hand down on her shoulder for just a moment and then pulling it away. "Please?" 

"It… Livvie, you are my friend. You're my best friend. But right now… I just… I really need to be alone," she admitted softly, still not raising her eyes from her lap. "This isn't easy, you know? And I just… I can't try and be ok yet, Livvie." 

"If I'm your best friend then why is it Rafe that you call when you need someone to talk to? Ally, it's ok, I understand that I was a really bad friend to you before, and Rafe…" 

"Has been amazing," Alison supplied with watery eyes and a shaky smile when the other woman's words trailed off. "He's held me while I cried and just let me feel how I wanted or needed or _did_ feel. Livvie, it has nothing to do with you, ok? I just… I love him. And I ran to him, and I called him, and I will keep on finding any excuse I can to spend as much time with him as I can. Please… Please don't make me apologize for it. I love him." 

"I know," she whispered, nodding in understanding. "I just… I want to try and be as good of a friend to you as you've been to me in the past, because I haven't before. Alright? I'm not asking you to apologize for anything, sweetie. And I know that you don't believe me right now, but, Ally, the last thing that you need is to be alone." 

Her quiet, bitter laughter filtered through the air as she closed her eyes against another flood of tears. "Please," she whispered thickly after a moment. "Please stop telling me what I need, because what I need is for Rafe to come back right now and just hold me, Livvie. That's the only thing I need right now. I… I need to have him here so I can at least try and get used to the idea of him being gone before he really goes." 

Livvie watched her friend with nothing but concern as she sat the plate and nearly untouched slice of pizza on the floor and hugged a throw pillow to her chest as she tucked her feet underneath her. "You said he promised you that he would be back. So he will," she said, her voice sounding much more certain than she felt. "He'll be back soon." 

"I know," Alison sighed shakily. "I know that he'll be back. I just don't know when. And I don't know how to deal with the idea of ever letting him out of my site again. It's not fair. I… I shouldn't have to do this. I can't. I can't do this." Shaking her head, she ran her hand through her hair and stood. "Livvie… Please, I need to be alone right now." 

She was pacing from the end of the sofa to the front door to the kitchen counter and back again. And Livvie managed to situate herself so that she could keep a watchful eye on her friend as she covered the area of the apartment. "It's ok to be upset, Alison." 

"No, it isn't. It is not ok to be upset. If I'm upset when he gets back, he'll feel bad. I don't want Rafe to feel bad about this, Livvie, because it's not his fault. I just… I need to find a way to get rid of all these feelings so that… So that when Rafe gets back I can pretend today never happened and he didn't tell me he loves me and would love to call me his wife and wants us to have tons of children together. I need to be able to pretend like I'm ok with the fact that I blurted out a proposal only to be turned down. And I have to be able to pretend that my heart wasn't just shattered into a million pieces. I knew he was leaving, Livvie. I knew it would hurt to fall for him, and I told him as much. But I didn't know… I need to be able to pretend I'm fine when he gets back. I need to not be on the verge of either grabbing a hold of him and never letting go or breaking down into tears." 

"Ally," she whispered hesitantly. "How well does Rafe know you?" 

The blond paused near the end of the sofa, looking at her friend in mild confusion for her interruption of her rant. "What do you mean how well does Rafe know me?" 

"I mean, how well does he know you? Well enough to fall in love with you obviously." Livvie paused and cleared her throat. Her eyes darted to the door with the sudden hope that a certain tall, blond and gorgeous angel would walk through it. Deflated when he didn't show after a moment, she realized that she was going to have to be the one to explain her reasoning. "You run to him when you're upset, Ally. Does Rafe know you well enough to see when you're upset without you telling him? Does he know you well enough to see through an act – no matter how good it may be – of you being fine?" 

Damn. Tears stung her eyes again, and she was powerless to fight against the first bunch that fell while she was wallowing in disappointment. With her mind obviously somewhere else, she managed to flop down on the other end of the sofa and pull her knees to her chest as she hugged the same throw pillow as before. "Of course he does, Livvie," she whispered, her voice ragged with emotion. "Of course he does, but… I still… I need to at least try and be ok when he gets back. For my own sanity, I need to at be ok by then." 

"Ally, you aren't going to be ok if you try and pretend that it's alright when it isn't." Shifting to be closer, she reached out to put her hand on Alison's shoulder only to have it shrugged off. "I know," she sighed, pushing aside the hurt feelings at her friend's rejection of the comfort she was trying to offer. "I know that you don't think you can deal with all of these emotions right now and survive it, Alison, but you are so much stronger than you know. You can do this, Ally, you'll make it through everything. But you have to deal with it. You can't just pretend you aren't hurting and hope that it will go away." 

"I-I can't, Livvie, I can't. I…" 

"Ally," Livvie sighed, grabbing her hands before she could object. She held onto her friend tightly, not letting her pull away. "Look at me, Ally. You can do this. You can. I know it as well as I know anything. It's not going to be easy, but you have to deal with what you're feeling before you can start to feel better. I… Trust me, Ally. You need to deal with it. If you want to break down then break down, if you want to scream and throw things then _do it_. If you want to cry, Ally, it's ok. I'll be here." 

"I don't _want_ you here, Livvie," she snapped, trying to fight against the tears in her eyes. "I don't want to deal with it, I don't want to feel it, and I don't want to cry anymore. I… I feel like I'm falling apart." 

"Then fall apart, Alison! You… Ally, you're an open book, you can't hide your feelings, and you can't hide _from _your feelings. If you feel like you need to fall apart then fall apart." Livvie stood, giving her friend a hug. "Ally," she whispered, ignoring the tears both were so close to shedding. "If it makes you feel any better, I bet you that Rafe will be here to help you pick up the pieces when you're ready." 

"Livvie… Please, please don't take this personally." Alison took a deep breath, and let it out shakily. "You're my best friend, ok? And I love you. But get out." 

"Ally-" 

"I mean it, Livvie." 

Sighing, she straightened. "I know." Livvie shook her head sadly. "I wasn't going to argue… We set you up this afternoon, and I'm starting to feel really sorry about doing that." 

"Don't, Livvie. Please." She turned her face and met the eyes of her friend for the first time in hours. "We knew it was a set up. Rafe knew what you were doing when you dragged him here. We aren't sorry, and you shouldn't be either. At least… Now I know how he feels about me. And how I feel about him. I needed that, Livvie. But what I need right now…" 

"Is to be alone," she finished with her. "I know, you don't want me here when you fall to pieces. I get it." Again, Livvie sighed. Her hand rested briefly on the other woman's shoulder before she pulled it away once more. "We had it planned that Val was going to stay at our place tonight." 

"Thank you… for being my friend and understanding this." Alison laughed lightly, but the sound was tainted with bitterness and tears. "Even if I don't. I know this isn't _why _you had that plan, but I think that I really need some time alone." 

"It's alright, Ally. I've been where you are. Just… You know that you've got tons of people ready, willing and able to pick you up and put you back together again, right?" 

"Yeah," she nodded. "I know. Thank you." 

"Rafe is probably in the front of the line. Right where you'd want your very own angel to be, I think." Walking over and grabbing her coat, Livvie slipped it on. "I want you to promise to call me if you don't feel like staying here all by yourself. I can sleep in Val's room, if you just need another person around because the silence is driving you crazy. I'm just a phone call away if you need _anything._ Promise me that you'll call if you do?" 

"I promise." 

"Any time! If you need a friend at four in the morning you pick up that phone and you call me. Got it?" 

"Got it." 

With her purse in hand, Livvie looked at the door and then back at her friend with worry in her eyes. "You're sure?" 

"I'm sure." 

"Ok. I'm going then. And if I see Rafe I'll beat some sense into him and then send him your way, alright?" 

Her laughter this time didn't hold the bitterness, but it was still shaky with tears. "Alright. And thank you. For everything, Livvie. I know that lately I've been going to Rafe when I have problems and everything, but that doesn't mean that you aren't still my friend. That doesn't mean I'm not glad that I still have you in my life, you know." 

"Oh, Ally, you're always going to have me in your life. Like it or not. That's what friends are for." Giving her friend another quick hug, Livvie started toward the door once more. "I'll call you tomorrow. If you don't call me first. See you!" 

"See you," she muttered to the shutting door. A trembling sigh passed her lips, half relief and half disappointment. Turning her head, Alison sought out the time. "Seven hours and twenty minutes," she whispered into the empty room. "Right, I had Livvie leave so I could sit here and talk to myself." 

Rolling her eyes at herself, she stood on shaking knees and made her way to her dresser. Pulling out her pajama bottoms, she purposely avoided the mirror, knowing that seeing herself would only do her harm. She could only guess how she looked—half crazed, eyes puffy, red and swollen. It was probably a good thing Rafe wasn't here, she thought with a sigh as she changed out of her jeans. 

Rafe would be worried, she decided. Actually, Rafe was probably worried right now anyway. Livvie made a lot of sense, and she knew she couldn't handle that right now any more than she could handle the sound of his name hours earlier. He'd know, no matter how well she acted fine, he'd know the minute he laid eyes on her or heard her voice that she was no where near alright. 

And she had no idea how to get back there. 

Alison sighed again as she walked over to lock the door. She paused for just a moment before turning off the TV and turning on the radio. With a disgusted look, she left it on Christmas carols and hoped that the cheer would spread into her. She did a quick survey of the once spotless apartment and thought about picking up her plate and cleaning the kitchen but decided against it. 

She made her way back to the bed slowly, accepting her inevitable fate of having to one day stop. Sliding in, she pulled the covers up to her chin and closed her eyes tightly. She tried in vain to push aside all thought of him, but it really wasn't going to happen. She had to think about him. A hint of a sad smile pulled at the corners of her mouth. There were worse fates in the world, she decided. 

She'd just think of him and not the situation they were in, she decided absently. She could concentrate on his eyes, or his smile, or the way he looked at her. Alison sighed contently, opening her eyes to stare at the ceiling with an odd half smile. She loved the way he looked at her. He could make her feel so special just by giving her that look. And he definitely had one hell of a smile. 

Laughing softly, she turned her head toward the door when she heard a knock. Before her mind had even registered what the sound was her feet were on the floor carrying her over there. Learning her lesson from before, she pushed away the hope and bit her tongue to keep from calling out his name. 

Alison ran a hand through her hair before opening the door with an easy smile. Catching site of the person doing the knocking, her smile dropped before coming back forced. "Can I help you?" 

"I think we need to talk," he mumbled, nodding his head slightly and keeping his eyes cast downward. "Are you busy?" 

"Not right now, no. But-" 

"It will only take a minute," he interrupted. "Please, Ally?" 

Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath, hoping that the air would give her strength to get through this. "Whatever. Just make it quick, Jamal." 


	35. Chapter 35

  
**Part II: Chapter 35**   


He shifted his weight from one foot to the other unhappily and nervously as he knocked on the door just a little harder. When it finally swung open, a small smile graced his lips and it bordered on apologetic. "Hi," he said just a little shyly. "I need your help." 

"Oh," Lucy said, tilting her head as she pretended to think. "You need my help… Now, you know me, silly me, I'd be curious about what I could possibly help you with, dear cousin. Except for one little thing, I think I know that answer to that question. In fact, I spent half the day searching for you all over this town, and do you know what?" 

Cringing inwardly, Rafe raised an eyebrow in question. "You didn't find me?" 

"Ooooh," she said, sounding as if just the big realization had just come to her. "That's right… I didn't find you… I didn't find you anywhere in this entire town… And would you like to know why I was looking for you, oh favorite cousin of mine?" 

"Alison called you?" he asked, this time not bothering to hide the flinch. 

"No, no, I haven't heard from Alison, although I was getting ready to find some really fattening junk food to go take to her. Because that can normally make it better. Livvie did call me, hours and hours ago. It seems that you, dear cousin, disappeared into thin air." 

Interesting way to put it, he thought, looking down at his boots to keep her from seeing his smile. "I had to go… talk to someone, Lucy. Alison knew where I was going." 

Her eyes narrowed into slits as she straightened. She rubbed her palms across her arms, trying to warm herself from the chill of the winter air. "Did I know where you were? No, no, no, I did not. I had no idea where you were. All I knew was that something was wrong and Livvie went over there and found one very upset, probably brokenhearted, Alison Barrington! All I knew was that something was wrong, and you weren't there anymore, and you weren't here either, and I looked everywhere, and I couldn't find you! Y_ou_ had better not ever to that to me again!" Stepping out of the doorway, she slapped her palm against his upper arm lightly. "Ever, ever, ever! Do you understand me, mister? Do you know how worried I was about you? Especially when I couldn't find you!" 

Jumping back automatically, he looked down for a moment before meeting his cousin's eyes. "All you had to do was ask Alison," Rafe stated just a little defensively. 

Once again her palm connected with his upper arm. "No! No, I couldn't ask Alison because she was so upset that when I called Livvie back to see if she could tell me anything I was told that she was under orders not to mention your name because Alison started crying!" She hit him again before crossing her arms. "So you know what?" 

"What?" he asked, seriously considering just leaving right now. Dread filled him as the full scale of her anger at him became clear. Rafe realized fairly quickly that he was in trouble. And deep. He never should have come here at all. He should have just gone straight to Alison like he wanted to. 

Reaching out, Lucy took his wrist and pulled him inside of her apartment. Once the door was shut and locked she turned back to him. "You're staying here, I don't care how long it takes, you're going to tell me what you did to that poor girl to break her heart that way! What were you thinking, Rafe? You _love _her! You don't want to hurt her!" 

"Of course I don't want to hurt her, Lucy," he sighed, slipping out of his coat and throwing it over the arm of the sofa. "I already know that. And, thank you, but Alison and I are both very aware of how I feel about her… How we both feel about each other." 

"Oh." Her anger seemed to evaporate as she smiled with self pride. "Well… That's good. So… you told her that you were in love with her?" She pushed him down into a sitting position and then sat beside him. "And what happened? Tell me, tell me, tell me!" 

"**That** was your big plan?" Rafe asked instead of answering. "Lucy, I thought you'd be much more creative than that! You just give us some time alone and expect everything to work itself out? Like we hadn't been spending plenty of time alone before?" 

"Well it _kind of _worked didn't it," she demanded, defending herself. "I mean, you _did_ tell her that you're like madly, madly in love with her! Right?" 

"Sort of," the angel sighed after a moment. "It's… complicated." 

"Well then," Lucy grinned, shifting to face him as she made herself more comfortable. "Un-complicate it. I suggest you start at the very beginning. And don't leave anything out! It just takes longer to have to go all the way back and explain. So… What happened?" 

His shoulders rose and fell on a sigh. "She told me about this dream that she had…" 

"Oh! Oh, dreams are great. Dreams always mean something you know. I bet _her_ dream meant something! Maybe she was even-" Catching site of the look on his face, Lucy smile shyly. "Oh, um, you know, don't let me interrupt. Just don't forget to tell me what that dream was about, maybe I can… Go on." 

Chuckling lightly, Rafe shook his head. A sad smile played on his lips as her words replayed in his mind. "She dreamt about… us, I guess. And our children." 

With ever widening eyes, Lucy shrieked in excitement. "That's fabulous, Rafe! Your children! I mean, ok, so some men would be running in the other direction at the thought, but that's not you! You're going to make an amazing father you know, when you two have children. I just… I know that without a single doubt in my mind. And you two are going to have really, really beautiful babies, you know." 

"No, we aren't," he groaned, laying his head on the back of the sofa. "It's not fabulous, and we are _not_ going to be having babies together, Lucy. And before you even think it, it has nothing to do with me running in the other direction of children. It just can't happen." 

"And why not," she demanded, anger slowly creeping back into her tone. "Just what happened, Rafe Kovich? Did she do something? No, no, she couldn't have. You! You did something didn't you? Rafe, tell me that you didn't try to say you don't love her! Tell me that _she_ didn't try and say that she's not head over heels in love with you. Tell me, tell me, tell me! Why can't it happen if you both obviously want it so much?" 

"I've got to go, Lucy." 

Her hand clamped down on his arm even though he made no effort to move. "No! You aren't going anywhere until you tell me what happened." 

"Not right now, Lucy." Staring at the ceiling, he resisted the urge to sigh unhappily. "I've got to leave town soon. I don't _want_ to go, I don't want to leave her, or even you. But I have to. It's just… I've got to go." 

"Why? Is… Is there something wrong? I mean, evil forces or something that you know I can help you with! We're family now, you know? So you don't get to just disappear on me indefinitely! I mean, you're my cousin, and even my friend. Why do you have to go?" 

"Elso jön családom," he muttered at the ceiling somewhat bitterly. His humorless laughter filled the air a moment later as he turned his head to look at his cousin. "Because it's just the way things are, Lucy. I… I don't stay in once place for very long. I haven't since I was a child." 

"Well, that can change! I mean, if there ever was a reason to change not liking being in one place I would think being madly, madly in love with a woman who wants to have your children would be a pretty good reason to do it! And if you don't want to leave I don't see why you should have to just because you're used to moving-" 

"Lucy," Rafe interrupted with a sigh. "It's just the way things are. I can't stay here. It doesn't matter how much I would like to. Don't fight me on this, please?" 

"But Rafe-" 

"Lucy," he groaned. "Really, no buts. I'm leaving town soon. That's all there is to it, and I'm sorry." His tone softened as did his eyes. "It's just what the universe has planned." 

"Fine. Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine." Crossing her arms in front of her, Lucy pouted as she watched her none too happy cousin turn his head to stare at the ceiling once more. Her expression turned curious as she reviewed the conversation in the silence. "What did you say?" she finally gave in and asked. 

"When?" he asked in reply, once again looking at her. "Before? _'Elso jön családom?'_" He grinned slightly, and somehow knew she could tell he didn't feel much like smiling. "First comes my family. It's the first rule of training. Everything else takes a backseat to that rule. You should have been able to have the proper training, you know." 

"The universe probably knew what it was doing." Nodding, Lucy shifted to sit closer. She smiled just a little bit slyly before pouting once more. "So, _cousin, _you're going to leave me? Now? In all this mess with Doc and another woman?" 

His laughter filled the air, and it struck him as almost sounding sad. "Lucy, don't go there, alright? You and Kevin will be fine. You just have to have faith in him and what the two of you are together. It will work out for you if you do that, Lucy. I promise. And you can't guilt me into staying." 

She leaned back again and shrugged innocently before smiling at him. "It was worth a shot, though." Tilting her head to get a better look at him, she frowned. "Are you sure you aren't just trying to outrun what you feel for Alison? You have to go and you won't tell me why? Are you just trying to keep from getting hurt? Because you should know that love hurts, buster. And there's no way to get around that." 

"Are you ever going to start taking all of your own advice, Lucy?" 

"Are you," she countered. "You go around telling me to have faith in Doc and our love, but you're not having faith in your feelings for Alison or her feelings for you. And anyway, that doesn't answer my question. Are you leaving town because of Alison?" 

"No, Lucy, I'm not leaving town because of Alison." Moving so that he could sit facing his cousin, Rafe smiled sadly. "Let's just say that I'm leaving because of me." 

"I guess we can do that," she sighed. "You think there's any chance you'll change your mind about wanting to go, though?" 

Again he laughed almost sadly. "Not a one, Lucy." 

"I'm still not letting you go anywhere until you tell me what happened with Alison today," Lucy stated instead of replying to him. "So, start talking, Kovich. I want to know every little detail and then we'll figure out a way for you to fix it." 

"Lucy, there's nothing to fix." 

"You're telling me that that's not what you needed my help with," she asked doubtfully. 

"There's nothing to fix," Rafe said again. "I just don't know what I'm supposed to say to her anymore." 

"Well," Lucy sighed with a grin. "I suggest you start telling me what happened. Come on, spill it. Tell me everything that happened, then we'll work on what you do next." 

  
Previous Falling Menu Next 


	36. Chapter 36

  
**Part II: Chapter 36**   


Walking past her slowly, Jamal sighed as he looked around the apartment, reminding himself harshly that it wasn't theirs anymore. Some cheerful Christmas music was playing on the radio, but already he could tell she didn't share the mood of the music. A pizza box on the counter, a plate on the floor and a half empty glass of milk were the only things sitting out now. A sharp contrast to the bags and boxes that had covered the floor a little more than twenty-four hours ago. 

"Jamal," Alison whispered, shutting the door. "What is it that you think we need to talk about right now?" She cringed at the cutting tone to her words, but pushed away any emotion when he turned to face her. Somehow she was sure that her emotions would only drag this visit out even longer. 

He watched her for longer than he knew he should. The tense set of her shoulders, the lack of the smile he'd been missing these past few weeks, her puffy, red eyes, he took in all of it. "Us," Jamal murmured after another moment of just staring at her. 

She bit back a groan as she walked past him to pick up her plate off of the floor. "There is no us," Alison said, the words pouring from her mouth before she could think them, much less stop them. Her back was to him, but she could still feel his eyes on her, the anger and hurt of his locked gaze seeping into her skin and causing her to try and hide a shutter of her own anger. Picking up the glass as well, she walked to the kitchen and put them on the counter. 

"There was an us," he finally managed to say, the sadness in his voice not nearly as well hidden as he would have hoped. "For a long time, Ally, there was an us. And it was great, remember? There was an us, Ally, and it wasn't supposed to ever end." 

Her shoulders rose and fell on a sigh as she stared out the window above the sink to the stars. "But it did end, Jamal. And before you say it, it wasn't because of Rafe." Slowly, she turned to face him. There was still a good twenty feet between them, but she was suddenly feeling stifled by the unhappiness that seemed to surround them both. 

"Then why," Jamal demanded, taking a step closer to her though he knew he shouldn't. "We worked, Ally. Me and you… It wasn't supposed to, but it worked. Why are you telling me that it's over now? Because some new guy came to town and is already hurting you? Why do you want to throw away everything that we are?" 

"I'm not throwing away everything that we were, Jamal." Alison sighed again, taking a few steps forward to rest her hip against the counter. "I'm not forgetting how well we worked together, and I'm not pretending that what we had wasn't something really special. But it… We stopped fitting together like we used to. We don't work anymore." 

"You don't know that!" He inhaled sharply at his biting tone, closing his eyes he counted to ten and tried to reign in the anger he swore he wouldn't let get to him tonight. His eyes went to the closed door of the extra bedroom then back to her. "Are you here alone, or are we going to get interrupted?" 

"Rafe isn't here, if that's what you're asking. Val is spending the night at Livvie and Jack's if you want to find her I suggest you try there. So, unfortunately, I don't think we're going to be interrupted, no." 

The smile the played on his lips was somewhat sad as he shoved his hands into the pockets of his oversized jeans. "Unfortunately?" 

"It's been a long day," Alison sighed, crossing her arms in front of her. "It's been a bad day, I'm tired and not in the best of moods. Why don't we do this later, Jamal?" 

"Because, I have something that needs to be said." 

With another sigh, she moved away from the counter, walking toward him was a dangerous thing and she knew it, but she continued to step forward. "I have had a really long and tiring day, Jamal. I don't feel like doing this right now." Her words were softly spoken, kept at little more than a whisper for fear of taking out all of this on him. "I really, really think that we should just do this another time. And if it can't wait, then hurry up and say it so that I can go to bed. Please." 

"I was actually hoping that Val would be here, I figured that I owe her an apology, you know?" His eyes fell to the floor as he chuckled softly. "I really was an ass. And I can't blame you for… what you did. You always deserved better than what I gave you." 

"Yeah," she laughed. "You were an ass to her. You tried to use her child to get her into bed, you tried to use _your_ child. I don't know what you think I did…" 

"You… Ally," Jamal sighed, he ran a hand over his cheek tiredly. "You fell," he said after a moment. Nearly choking on the words, he tried again, "You fell in love with another man. One that made you smile and took the time to try and talk to you." 

"I'm not talking about Rafe with you, Jamal," Alison groaned. She turned on her heel and grabbed the kettle from the top of the stove. "You were right though," she whispered softly, filling the kettle with water. 

"You're in love with him, Ally," Jamal said, watching her back, a smile once again playing on his lips. "And he loves you. Rafe seems to make you happy. I just… I can't help but wish that it could still be me that makes you smile, that makes you laugh. I can't help but still want to be the one that makes you happy. But you're in love with him now." 

"Yeah," she whispered quietly, nodding her head slightly. Sitting the kettle back on the stove, she lit the burner under it. "I am in love with him, Jamal." 

"And I pointed it out to you?" he asked with irony lacing his tone and a sad smile still on his lips. "How could you not see it before, Alison? The way that he looks at you…" 

"For a really long time I told myself that he looks at me like you used to. It was just one of my many reasons that I had for why… for why I couldn't possibly feel like I do about him." She turned to face him again, and crossing her arms in front of her protectively, she stepped toward him. "I told myself that he looks at me like you did before Caleb, before Valerie came back, before we both let everything get in the way. He looks at me like he thinks I'm amazing and beautiful, Jamal, but there's more to it than that. You never looked at me like that. No one has _ever _looked at me that way." 

"When you looked at me before, Ally, it was like you saw me. What happened to that?" 

She tilted her head slightly as she thought about it. "I don't know, Jamal. Maybe it was when Valerie came back and I found out there was a chance Hope was yours. I just… It was like I didn't know you anymore, Jamal. You changed, so much that it was like I was laying next to a stranger most nights. I know that I was spending a lot of time with Rafe, I know that I… grew up a little bit. All of this started with vampires, and we had to grow up. Only we didn't grow closer together like we were supposed to. What happened, it was horrible and scary, and I'm so glad that I had you to cling to and to help me be there for my friends. And it made things change, Jamal." 

He nodded and quickly crossed to stand directly in front of her. "I know. I mean, I get that. I guess we just weren't meant to be," he said with a half a smile and an almost shy shrug of his shoulders. Pausing for a second, he walked past her and got a mug from the cabinet, and then placed a teabag inside of it. When he turned back around and leaned against the counter, she was watching him. 

Alison sighed, knowing he wanted her to reply to that but not knowing how. "We weren't," she muttered after a moment, realizing quickly from the brief flash of emotion in his face that he'd wanted her to argue. "We weren't meant to be together forever, Jamal. But what we had, it _was_ special, and you are always going to have this place in my heart. You're my first love – you taught me how to love – and no one is ever going to be able to take away what you are to me. You're the man that taught me what it felt like to be loved. I can't thank you enough for that, for getting me out of my nana's and giving me the first place that ever felt like home. But I can't lie to you and pretend that I still think we were made and put on this earth to spend our lives and then eternity together." 

"You always were the romantic." He looked down and brushed away a stray tear. "You stopped thinking that we were destined to be together… You think Rafe is that man now, Ally? Your soul mate? Sent here just to love you and be the man that you deserve?" 

Laughing lightly, she turned to gaze out the window from a distance. She tried to blink back the fresh batch of tears stinging her eyes only to cause them to spill. "Who can say what their destiny is?" Alison asked finally, wiping her tears away as Jamal focused on the floor. "All I know is that I love him, I'm in love with him. And I guess the rest is up to fate, because I'm starting to see very clearly that I don't have much of a say in it." 

"What you… have with him, the way that you feel about him… it's different isn't it?" Jamal asked, raising his eyes to study her while she was still looking out the window. "It's better than what we had – what we were – together. Isn't it?" 

Nodding absently, she walked over to turn off the burner under the screaming kettle. "It's different. Stronger, I think. I… Jamal, you have to know that I loved you, that I _still_ love you. But the way that I feel about Rafe… I've never felt like this before. It's just wild and something that I can't even try and get a hold of and control. It's like some out of control fire or something, and I don't think that I _want_ to control it. I'm practically begging him to burn me." Alison laughed lightly again. "I know that it's going to hurt, but I can't stay away from him. I can't stop feeling this way, and you don't know how hard I've tried." 

Watching her pour hot water into the coffee mug he'd sat out as she spoke, Jamal couldn't help but smile again. "Things could have been different, Ally. If I didn't screw up with Val, and if you didn't spend so much time with him instead of me-" 

"You were with Valerie most of the time I was with Rafe," she reminded him quickly. "And I've never slept with Rafe, I _never_ even considered cheating on you, not once. I'm not going to apologize for how I feel about Rafe either. He's an amazing guy, and he _loves_ me. When I'm with him, it's like the rest of the world melts away. I'm sorry that it hurts you, Jamal. But I love him. I love the way he smiles, the way he looks at me, the way he makes me feel like no one else matters to him but me, and the way he treats me." 

"He couldn't possibly treat you good enough, Spunky." 

She softened as she pushed away her tears. "Why do you say that?" 

"Because you're crying," he murmured, inching closer to her though he knew he shouldn't. "Because there is no man in this world that is good enough for you." 

"Jamal-" 

"No," he whispered, shaking his head. "Just don't, alright?" His eyes darted away before returning to her once more. "Just… Will you answer a question for me… Please? It's something I've been wondering for a while, and I just… I really need to know the answer. I need to hear it from you, Ally." 

Tiredly, she nodded, as she dipped the teabag in and out of the water. "What do you want to know, Jamal?" 

"What… What did I do to make you take your heart back and give it to him, Ally? Or was it ever really mine to begin with? Were _you_ ever completely mine?" 

Alison looked up from her tea and over to him. "Yes, Jamal, of course. I was so completely yours, and you were mine for not nearly long enough. But things changed. I don't know when it happened, or what it was. I just know that one day Rafe kissed me, and I didn't want it to end. And I realized that it wasn't like that with you anymore. It was like we were together because we were supposed to be together. You had my heart, Jamal, but you have to understand that you broke it when you slept with Valerie." 

"And Rafe can fix it?" 

"We fixed it, Jamal. You and me." 

He shook his head sadly, and flashed her a white smile they both knew he didn't mean. "I just kept hurting you, Ally. And I didn't mean to. I really was the world's biggest fool. Any man that not only let's you go but actually pushes you away is an idiot. You're better than that, better than me. You never deserved the way I hurt you. I know it's not enough, but I'm sorry. That's… I came here to tell you that I was sorry for being such an ass to you and to Valerie. It's amazing that you put up with me for as long as you did." 

"Jamal," she sighed. 

"Hey, listen," he interrupted before she could continue. "You said you were tired. I mean, you probably are. I know that you think I didn't notice, but it's been a while since you slept all through the night. I can't even begin to count how many nights I reached for you to see you staring out the window like you wanted the stars to come and rescue you." Tears burned the back of his eyelids, but he pushed them away. "I know that I have no right to ask this, Ally, but do you think that maybe you could just do one thing for me?" 

"Sure," Alison said, a sad smile gracing her lips as she battled more tears of her own. 

"Forgive me? For not knowing you well enough to see that you were as unhappy as I was. And for screwing up by sleeping with Valerie then my trick the other day. I've been a… really bad boyfriend lately, and you deserve someone better. Someone that makes you laugh and smile that beautiful smile. Can you just please forgive me for all the times I've made you cry? Please, Spunky? Living without you is going to be hard enough, don't make me live knowing that… That you think I'm the scum I am for the way I've acted lately and treated you." 

"There's nothing to forgive, Jamal." She waved it off with one hand and wiped away her tears with another. "I hope you find what you're looking for in life, Jamal." 

"I don't know what I'm looking for, Ally. Maybe it's just what you have with Rafe. Let him know that if he doesn't treat you right he's dealing with me, alright?" Smiling, he took another step forward and pressed his lips against her temple. "I want you to be happy, alright? Because if there is anyone that deserves all the happiness in the world it's you." 

"You too, Jamal. Maybe… Maybe one of these days we can be friends again." 

"I'd like that." He shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans once more and rocked on his heels. "I'm going to go." 

"Ok." 

"I know that things between us changed, Ally, but there was one thing that never changed." 

"What's that?" 

"I never stopped loving you." Chuckling lightly, more tears fell and he gave up wiping them away. "And I never will either." 

"You were my first love, Jamal." 

Jamal nodded. "Goodbye, Spunky girl," he whispered thickly before turning and walking out the door. 


	37. Chapter 37

  
**Part II: Chapter 37**   


She glanced at her watch again, unable to help it even though she knew no more than ten seconds could have possibly passed. He wasn't here yet, he hadn't shown up last night like she kept hoping that he would, so far there had been nothing. Not a word. No call to say, _"Hey, Alison. I'm back and I will see you later. I love you."_

There was nothing. 

Once more she found herself aching to reach for the phone and try to call Lucy to check and see if she'd seen him, but something told her that was just an all around bad idea. Lucy would freak if she hadn't seen him, and the idea of trying to explain where he was just made her head pound even harder. Besides, Lucy would probably just try to play matchmaker some more, and neither of them really needed that. 

Heavy footsteps announced the presence of someone walking in, and despite her many disappointments already today she found herself having to order the small flash of hope away. But still she turned, forced smile firmly in place, and watched as the man that had walked in grabbed his car keys off the table. With a slight wave in her direction when he saw her watching, he was gone again. 

Alison let out the breath she'd been holding, and sat on the barstool next to her with a groan. She sent up another silent prayer of thanks for a slow day, knowing that there was no way she could have handled a crowd on twenty minutes of sleep in between pacing sessions. Shaking her head, she considered getting herself a cup of coffee in hopes of staying awake but decided it wasn't worth the effort. 

And it wasn't like sleeping was an actual option anyway. Even if she was still in bed with the blankets over her head and her eyes closed she'd be wide awake. Just like she was all night long. Wondering and waiting, waiting and wondering. It seemed to be a never ending cycle. Work just happened to get in the way today. 

Left alone in the front, she'd managed to hold it all together with the customers. No screwed up orders today. She'd decided to focus on getting everything perfect so that she could _not_ focus on her favorite angel for two seconds. Not that it had helped any more than her cleaning spree had, Rafe was still on her mind, but it was worth a shot. 

It didn't seem that ignoring her feelings about him was actually something that could happen. Go figure. Alison sighed again and with her weight on her elbows, leaned on the bar. Burying her face in her hands, she let out a muffled bitter chuckle and hoped against hope that they wouldn't hear her in the back. 

For some reason, despite not hearing a sound, she wasn't surprised when his hands landed firmly on her shoulders. Rafe couldn't help but smile at the very site of her. "You look tired," he said after a moment, his voice a little more than a whisper. 

"I am," she admitted softly. There wasn't but a breath of space separating their bodies, but, she decided, it was too much, so she leaned back against him. Her hands fell into her lap and her head lay on his shoulder with her eyes never opening. "Nice of you to show up," she sighed contently, the small traces of a genuine smile lighting up her face for the first time in what seemed like days. "I missed you, you know." 

"I'm sorry," Rafe chuckled lightly, unable to keep himself from placing a kiss on her temple. "I missed you too, Alison." 

Her smile grew brighter, but she refused to open her eyes for fear that it would turn out she was dreaming. "It feels like it's been weeks since we've been together." 

"I'm sorry. I would have come to see you last night, but Lucy wasn't letting me out of her site after I told her what happened. She kind of wanted to get a good game plan first." 

"A game plan?" Alison asked, joining in with his laughter. 

"Yeah, she was going to give me step by step instructions on how to make up for running out on you like I did." Wrapping one arm around her waist, he smiled into her hair. "Lucy can be very… insistent when she sets her mind to something, you know." 

"You were under house arrest?" 

With a groan, he dropped another kiss onto her temple. "More or less." 

Alison raised a hand to tangle her fingers in the back of his hair. "Maybe I'll just have to have a talk with her, then. Tell her that I miss you when you're not around. Think that'll help?" Turning her face, eyes still tightly shut, she pressed her lips against the side of his neck briefly. "Can I have you all to myself then?" 

Chuckling, Rafe tugged at her ponytail lightly. "Why are you so tired?" he asked instead of answering her, though he was fairly certain that he knew the answer. 

"I didn't get a lot of sleep last night." With a sigh, she opening her eyes and pulled away,  only to swivel on the barstool in order to face her angel. "The thing is, I told a man that I'm very much in love with that I'd like to have his children. I even _kind of_ proposed, and he walked out for… a meeting." Crossing her arms in front of her, she pouted playfully. "Then I don't see him until like twenty-four hours later." 

"Hmmm… I guess he really is going to have to work to make that up to you, isn't he?" 

Grinning, she leaned forward just a little bit. "Well, I don't know, I guess that would depend what he, or rather his very wonderful, though slightly insistent, cousin spent so much time plotting. I mean, it did keep him away from me for a very long time…" 

"It was barely over twenty-four hours," Rafe muttered in his own defense. 

Her pout grew as she batted her eyelashes and fought against the urge to smile. "Well then I guess it just seemed like a very long time not to have him right next to me. See," Alison continued, giving in and smiling slyly at him. "The thing is this very wonderful man has became very important to me. I was kind of lost when he left yesterday. It's like I said, I'm very, _very_ much in love with him. And after having him so close to me yesterday, I don't think I ever want to let him out of my reach again." 

As her words registered fully with them both the playful mood disappeared as, once again, reality came crashing in. Alison decided that next time she was just going to shut up. Her eyes fell to his mouth and his tongue darted out to sweep across his bottom lip. There were much more interesting things she could do than talking anyway. "I'm sorry-" 

"Don't," Rafe interrupted before resting his forehead against hers. "Don't apologize to me, Alison, ever. There's nothing that you could ever do that needs to be apologized for." Linking his hands with hers, he brought them up to places feather light kisses across her knuckles. "I know that it doesn't make you feel any better, but you know that…" Smiling, Rafe pulled his eyes from her hands to meet her curious gaze. "He would much rather stay right next to you, holding you, for the rest of eternity." 

"I know that," she whispered, holding their entwined hands over her heart. "I really, really do know that, Rafe. It's just… It's not fair that you can't. It's not fair that I have to let you go. And don't you tell me that life's not fair, because that's pretty obvious." 

"I hate this, Alison. I hate hurting you this way. If I had the power to change things…" 

"I know, Rafe. I know that you would," Alison murmured reassuringly wearing the smile on her lips just a little sadly. "But it's not up to us. I get it, Rafe. I don't like it, but I get it. The only thing that either of us can control, is what we do with what time we _do_ have together." 

Sighing, he released her hands only to end up holding onto her waist again. "Lucy and Livvie are still plotting, just so you know. I think that sometime this week we're going to end up going to dinner with Jack and Livvie and Lucy and Kevin." 

"Well," Alison replied with a shrug. "At least it will force Kevin and Lucy to sit down at the same table for a while." With a light sheen of tears in her eyes, she put her hand against his cheek. "It looks like your mission is almost a success, Mr. Kovich." 

"It will be a success," he stated with a smile. "There's a nasty little trait that runs in the Kovich family that refuses to accept failure. It _will_ be a success, thanks to you. But it's not yet. There is still plenty of time for things to go wrong, and I've learned that if it can go wrong, in this town it probably will." 

"Do you think that maybe…" Alison cut off her words with a sigh, and dropped her eyes to the necklace that he was wearing. Nervously, she chewed on her thumbnail on the hand not touching him. She _had_ to be touching him. 

"Maybe what," Rafe prodded after a moment of silence. 

"It's just…" Giggling nervously, she met his gaze once more. "Do you think maybe there's also still plenty of times for things to go right? I mean… Just for a little while… With us. I'm not asking if maybe you could stay or anything, because I know that you want to and I know that you can't. But… Maybe for what time we do have, we don't have to pretend to not feel the way that we feel?" 

"Oh, honey," he said, his voice near a growl when she dipped her chin shyly. "Look at me," he commanded gently. When her eyes finally met his a moment later, he sighed and placed his hand under her chin to bring her face to his himself. He kissed her quickly, well aware of the fact that anyone could walk in at anytime. "I had no intention of trying to pretend that I don't love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone. I've already done that, and it didn't work. Everyone knows how I feel about you, Alison, I'm not going to ever deny the fact that I love you." 

"I love you too," she whispered. "And I don't want to deny it. I don't want to have to pretend that we're just friends. I want to be with you, Rafe. And I'm completely willing to just settle for what time I _can _have with you." 

"Hurting you isn't an option, Alison." 

"Rafe, please, just… Think about it, I mean, I should get some say in the matter. Whatever happens, we're together in it. And… you know, it's like I told you, you're stuck with me." 

"And I continue to thank the lord for that, Alison." Smiling, he couldn't help but kiss her again. "But since I'm stuck with you, it looks like you're going to have to help me keep an eye on things. Especially Lucy, who knows what she's going to try and pull between now and Christmas Eve. So, maybe you're the one that's stuck with me for a little while. Think you can handle that… Partner?" 

Laughing, Alison leaned forward and brushed her lips against his. When she pulled back with a grin, she wrapped her arms around his neck to hug him tightly. Resisting the urge to chuckle, even when he held onto her tightly, she whispered against his neck, "Oh, I know that I can… Partner." 


	38. Chapter 38

  
**Part II: Chapter 38**   


She giggled as she pulled reluctantly from the embrace, her green eyes shining with laughter and happiness instead of the tears from only moments before. A smile played on her full lips, and she cocked her head to the side under his intense study of her. He knew that he should look away, or at least stop looking at her like he was only now realizing just how amazing she actually was, but he was stuck. Mesmerized by her sheer beauty and frozen with the desire to always be able to remember the way she looked right now, right in this moment, where it felt like nothing could touch them. 

His left hand went back to her waist, his thumb stroking the soft, pink fabric of her sweater until he couldn't resist the urge to touch her skin. With his eyes locked to hers, his hand slid down slightly, the denim of her jeans under his palm as his thumb slid beneath the sweater to find her warm, soft flesh. His other hand found hers, or maybe she found his… It didn't matter. He once again brought her hand to his mouth, placing feather light kisses across her knuckles as he watched something in her eyes change. 

"Rafe?" she whispered just a little breathlessly, drawing his name out longer than she knew she should. Biting down on her bottom lip to fight a proud grin when he shivered at the sound. Her smile faded for a moment when she felt the desire always floating in the air between them make itself even more known, but it was quickly back in place, even wider and brighter than before. "You know," she murmured quietly to him as if sharing a secret. "It's not polite to stare." 

When her smile grew into laughter, he couldn't keep from grinning at her like an idiot at the site of the sound of her joy. Releasing her hand, he traced the curve of her jaw with the slightest whisper of a touch. "You're beautiful, Alison," he stated after a moment. Leaning forward slightly, his grin became a little sly. "And you most definitely deserve to be stared at. In fact, you happen to be much, much too beautiful to keep my eyes off of." 

Still giggling lightly, Alison bit down on her bottom lip and covered the hand he had resting on her waist with her own. "And you," she muttered, a light blush forming on her cheeks, "Must of have gotten that line from Lucy." Alison shifted and gave him a suspicious look. "How long did it take her to coach that line into you?" 

"You doubt me?" he asked, his jaw dropping in mock hurt. "I assure you, everything I say, I mean, Alison. And no, that was not one of Lucy's ideas." Rafe shuddered playfully and took a tiny step closer to her. "Her ideas were… more complex." 

"Really?" Alison asked, fighting to keep the amusement out of her tone. "Tell me, Mr. Kovich, should I even ask? Do I even want to know what her ideas were?" 

He paused for a moment as if considering, then shook his head. "No, I don't think that you want to know at all. There are far more interesting things to talk about than her crazy plans anyway, Miss Barrington." 

"Oh?" Raising an eyebrow, Alison leaned forward just a little more. "And tell me, just what would those things be? Because, you know, I am kind of working here." 

"So I've noticed," he sighed, unhappiness clearly laced into the statement. He gave the otherwise empty diner a quick glace before returning his eyes to her. "Busy night?" 

"It's been a really slow day all around." Shifting to be closer to him still, she grinned again. "It's just dragged by… or maybe it just seemed that way cause I missed you." 

Rafe grinned again, at her words. "I missed you too, Alison." Chuckling lightly, he brushed a kiss onto her cheek, then her jaw, then another onto her chin. Then with his mouth only inches from hers, he sighed once more. "You know, we're both just begging for trouble with this though, honey." 

She was far more concerned with the feel of his words on her lips than what he was actually saying, but when the gist of it finally registered, Alison frowned just a little. "So?" she asked. Before he could reply, she closed off the space between their lips, kissing him and suddenly not caring where they were. When she broke the kiss, she swept her tongue across her bottom lip, shivering with delight to taste him there. "So?" she repeated, dropping a kiss on his cheek. 

Chuckling, he kissed her again quickly. "Loads of trouble," he sighed with a smile after separating his lips from hers. 

"Well… What's a little trouble?" Alison shifted her weight and pulled him closer, somehow ending up hugging his hips with her knees. Her laughter joined his as she once again dropped a kiss onto his jaw. Curling her fingers into the pale green of his shirt, she grinned just a little wickedly and tugged him forward, though it wasn't much of a fight. Her lips brushed his earlobe as she whispered, "Besides… I think you're worth it." 

Pulling back slightly with a groan, he rolled his eyes at the all too innocent smile she was sporting. "What am I going to do with you?" he asked playfully. 

"Well," she drawled, tangling the fingers from her free hand into the back of his hair. "I'm sure that if Lucy didn't give you enough suggestions last night, I could give you one or two… Or, if you really wanted to, you could start out by kissing me again." 

Bringing his mouth closer to hers, he smiled brighter and whispered, "If I really wanted to, then I could kiss you? Really, _really_ wanted to?" 

Alison pouted at him. "Well, you know, if you _don't_…" 

"Did I say that?" Rafe asked, cutting her off. "I don't remember saying that. But you know, you do seem to make me do things I wouldn't normally…" 

"Oh? Oh, really?" Laughing, she pressed her lips to his. "I make you do things you normally wouldn't do? You wanna give me a few examples here, Rafe?" 

"Well," her angel sighed. "I am in the middle of a restaurant where you work, when I should be working on my mission, trying my best to memorize the way your skin feels." Rafe snaked his arm around her waist to hold her to him as he brought his mouth down closer to hers again. "And I'm getting ready to kiss you, because I really, _really _want to." 

"I think that," Alison whispered against his lips nearly breathless yet again. "That is a very, _very_ good idea." 

"Yeah?" 

"Yeah. Cause I really, really want you to kiss me." 

Laughing lightly, he found her lips with his, giving up completely on the idea of just trying to be friends again once and for all. Her tongue darted across his bottom lip, and he held her tighter as he nearly whimpered and his tongue sought to connect with hers. He found himself getting lost in the way she tasted, and enjoying it far to much to try and even think of breaking away from her. 

Alison tightened her grip on his hair, holding him close just in case he thought of trying to break the kiss yet, to pull away from her, to even leave again. Happiness bubbled up inside of her, finally being able to really kiss him again in what felt like years. Feeling the softness of his hair, the firmness of his lips, his arm wrapped tightly around her was almost enough to make her forget everything else. Like the fact that she had only a little more than eight full days with him. 

With a groan, she uncurled her fingers from his shirt and slid her hand from his chest to around his neck. Tilting her head slightly, she deepened the kiss just a little more before becoming dimly aware of someone saying her name. Unfortunately, Rafe must have heard it as well, because he tore his lips, none too happily, from hers. 

Loosening her grip only slightly, she let him move back just a little before turning to face her very amused friend. "Um… Hey, Livvie." 

"You guys do know that this is a public place, right?" Livvie asked, smiling at them brightly. "Maybe you should… I don't know… get a room or something? You know what? I'd even cover for you here! But you probably wouldn't have wanted anyone else walking in just now. Like Lucy, for instance?" 

Groaning at the sound of his cousin's name, Rafe took another step back, against Alison's silent protest. "Good point. She's still a little bit crazy about what happened yesterday." 

Releasing him unhappily, Alison shot Livvie a quick glare for interrupting. "What exactly did you tell her about what happened yesterday?" she asked after a moment, crossing her arms in front of her to keep from reaching for him again. 

"Well, somehow I managed to escape without telling her… why I have to leave. But there wasn't much else that she didn't drag out of me." 

Livvie laughed quietly. "Well, I just got off the phone with her. She still hasn't decided if she can ever forgive you for ruining her plan when it was going so well." 

"Wait, wait, wait," she interrupted. "Is this something I'm never going to be able to live this down?" Alison asked quickly, the slight edges of panic seeping into her tone. "I mean, how many people, exactly know about… that whole proposal thing?" 

Rafe cringed and moved his eyes to the doorway of The Recovery Room for a second before returning them to her. He opened his mouth to reply but was interrupted. 

"Wow… You sure don't waste any time do you, Rafe?" 


	39. Chapter 39

  
**Part II: Chapter 39**   


Alison groaned as she turned her head to see who it was that had entered the diner just in time to hear her mention the sort of proposal. She could feel her face heating and she turned to Rafe only to find him shaking his head in disbelief. "Um… hi," she finally whispered meekly, giving the newcomers to the conversation a weak smile. 

Sensing her discomfort, Rafe was next to her again in a heartbeat, though the sweetness of the gesture was ruined by the twitching at the corners of his mouth as he fought the urge to either smile or laugh. Wrapping his arm around her waist once more, he nodded. "I try not to, Jack, it's never a good idea to waste time. Each moment is a gift." 

Even though the other two didn't understand the true meaning behind his words, Livvie did. A sad smile played on her lips as she caught the look that Rafe and Alison shared out of the corner of her eye. Her attention turned back to the other two, half to give them some sort of privacy and half to try and gauge what kind of reaction her boyfriend and his best friend would have once the surprise wore off. Something told her it wasn't going to be good. 

Disbelief seemed to be the theme as Jamal shook his head and looked at his friend with wide eyes as if begging for the man he'd entered with to deny the words he'd just heard. "You… You two are getting…" The word _'married'_ couldn't be forced from his mouth as he looked instead to the woman he loved. "He _proposed_? W-When did this happen?" 

"You two only broke up… What? Not even forty-eight hours ago?" Jack said, his voice raising with each word. "In not even two days, he's managed to worm his way in enough for marriage to pop into the equation? How does this happen? I mean, Livvie and I have been together a lot longer than that, and _we_ aren't talking about marriage. And really, Alison, how long were you with Jamal? Did you ever think of marriage with him?" 

"No. And that's-" 

"Jack," Livvie said, stepping to block the path to the couple that was happy only moments before just in case either of the shocked men in the doorway decided to try and rush them. "You don't know the whole story… You have no idea what's going on-" 

"Yes! Yes, Livvie, I **do** know what's going on! Rafe asked Alison, who broke up with Jamal less than two days ago for some stupid mistake he made, to marry him! This guy went after her knowing she was in love with Jamal! And then he saw an opening and took it and if you were any kind of a friend to her you wouldn't let her marry someone else on the rebound from your other good friend Jamal." 

"Actually," Alison whispered softly, her objections not reaching the ears of anyone but the man that pulled her closer her him and dropped a kiss into her hair that went almost unnoticed by everyone but the two of them. "That's not what-" 

"A week ago Alison was all about loving Jamal! She was about getting rid of Valerie, who has suddenly turned into part of the group, so that she could get back on track with the man she loves! She's hurt right now and trying to lash out and hurt Jamal like he hurt her by flirting with Valerie. You know that don't you, Rafe? Just because you laid on the charm doesn't mean that she's in love with you. It doesn't mean she's really ready to become your wife. It doesn't even mean that she's over Jamal!" 

"Jack," Livvie hissed. "Don't be like this! You heard one little sentence and you're assuming that you know what's really going on. Just-" 

"I know that she isn't ready to become my wife, Jack," the angel said simply, gently, a claim in his tone that made the woman he loved look at him in wonder as he interrupted Livvie's defense of them. "Unlike you and your good pal Jamal, I listen to her and don't jump to conclusions. I'm very aware of exactly how it is that she feels, and if I don't know for sure, I'll ask her. Believe me when I say that if I actually thought she was ready to become my wife we wouldn't be standing here discussing it with you. So why don't you just drop it now before you say something that you will regret and you lose a friend." 

"What do you mean if you actually thought I was ready to become your wife we wouldn't be standing here? Where would we be? Some church outside of town? I'm the one that-" 

"Don't threaten me with Alison, alright?" Jack said, his words clipped as he approached them. "We were friends long before you came into the picture, Rafe, and we'll be friends long after. Just like she was in love with Jamal before you came around and she still is and she still will be after you are long gone. Do you get that, Rafe? She doesn't love you!" 

"Yes, I do too, Jack!" 

"How, Alison? How can you love Jamal one minute them Rafe the next, huh?" 

"It wasn't like that, Jack," Rafe interjected, keeping a hold on Alison as she slid from the barstool to stand beside him. "You only have Jamal's side of things, don't think that-" 

"That what? That my best friend is telling the truth?" 

"Alison is our friend too, Jack," Livvie said, her voice loud enough to be heard over whatever else he was thinking of saying. "Alison is our friend too," she repeated, lowering her voice to a more normal tone as she looked over to see Victor entering. Waving him away, she looked back at her boyfriend sadly. "You don't tell Jamal how he feels about anything, please, don't do that to Alison. She's been just as good of a friend to you and to me. Try and understand what is going on before-" 

"Before what, Livvie," he snapped finally. "Calling it like it is? Because that's what I'm doing! Rafe came in talking about love and gifts and not giving up, and he set out to ruin Jamal and Alison so that he could have her! Were you not listening to what Jamal said he saw time after time after time? He saw this clown all over his girl! He saw good old Rafe here spending every moment he could with a woman that he knew was in a relationship!" 

"Well, you know what, Jack? Jamal isn't exactly an unbiased source. He's had it out for Rafe from the beginning because he was always jealous of me spending time with a man that cared about me and respected me while he was off playing hero to Valerie!" 

"And I should take your word for it over his, Alison? Why? Rafe probably has some sort of hold on you… What, is it like the hold that Caleb had on Livvie? Did he get inside your head to twist the way you view the world and make you think you love him?" 

"Oh, get off of it, Jack! I'm nothing like that and you know it! I spent my entire life fighting against Caleb and his family and the things that a man like that can do to women! The things he could do to any person that just happened to have the misfortune of crossing his path or registering on his radar. The idea of you comparing me to him…" 

"It's wrong," Livvie growled. "It's insulting to the both of us, Rafe, and it's wrong. Caleb had a hold on my mind, and I hate the things that I did, but to bring it up now… Just because Alison isn't acting the way you think she should and throwing herself at Jamal's feet while begging forgiveness… Get over it, Jack, Caleb's gone, Rafe is a good guy, and you're going to have to learn to live with that! What he and Alison have is special and it has _nothing_ to do with you, or Jamal, or me, or Caleb, or mind control! I know that neither of you may want to admit this, but they are in love! Just like you and me, Jack." 

"Why are you defending them, Livvie? How can you turn your back on Jamal that way?" 

"How can you turn your back on me because my feelings changed?" Alison shot back. 

"How fickle do you have to be to have your feelings change overnight, Alison?" 

"How about if you watch how you talk to her, Jack?" Rafe said, his eyes narrowing as he felt Alison take a hold of his hand. "You don't know what is happening, what has happened or what will happen, and I suggest that you keep that in mind while you speak to the woman that offered her blood to keep you alive. She's the best kind of friend that you can have, and if you keep talking to her that way, then chances are you'll lose her." 

"Don't threaten me-" 

"Jack," Livvie snapped, grabbing onto his coat sleeve to keep him from trying to brush past her. "He's right. You don't want to lose Alison because you're taking sides without knowing the full story. Now stop it before you hurt her any more than you already have!" 

"She does NOT love him!" he cried, stepping back and throwing up his arms in frustration only to feel two hands grip his shoulders. 

"Jack, man, calm down." Jamal tightened his hands around his friend's shoulders and pulled him back until he was sitting down. "She does." 

"What?" 

"She loves him. And he loves her. Just… Let it go, man. Just let it go. They… Livvie and Rafe are right. You don't want to lose Alison as a friend because you're taking my side." 

Rafe looked at Alison in question, but she simply shrugged unknowingly. "Jack, you don't have to like it, alright? You don't have to hang around if you don't want to. But I'm not letting go of Rafe before I have to. I love him. And you can either learn to understand that, or get over it, or just stay away from us both. Don't you _ever_ speak to me that way again, or it'll happen just like they said. You will lose me as a friend because I don't deserve to be called names because I'm not with the man that you think I should be." 

"Fine," Jack groaned. "Fine! I'm sorry that I… overreacted. But don't you think it's too soon for you to even think of marrying this guy, Ally? I mean… Just because you love him doesn't mean that you should become his wife right away! I'm just trying to-" 

"Look after me? Yeah… I actually think that you are. But-" 

"So why are you going to marry him?" 

"She's not," Rafe answered, feeling her grip on his hand tighten. Looking back at Alison, he smiled slightly at the pout she wore. "It's like I said, she's not ready and I know that. If things were different, we'd probably be on our honeymoon right now. But I won't hurt her. And right now, getting married would do just that." 

"If you know that she isn't ready then why did you propose?" Jamal asked, the words rushing out of him before he could stop them. The second that they registered to his ears on a hateful tone, he looked as if he would do anything to take them back. 

Livvie glared at Jack, and adjusted the strap on her purse in an attempt to look casual. "You're going to feel like such an ass, Jack," she muttered under her breath, knowing he caught every single syllable. 

Biting her thumb, Alison fought a smile as she caught Rafe looking down at the floor in an attempt to hide his grin. The situation was almost laughable, but he squeezed her hand reassuringly, and tried to discreetly pull her closer. 

"I don't know," Rafe answered after a pause. 

Alison felt her jaw fall as she dropped her hand. "Don't you even do that to me, Rafe Kovich." 

"Do what?" 

"Try and protect me from the truth just in case… You're trying to save my relationship with Jamal even now aren't you?" 

"Why would I do that?" he asked, the innocence and mock hurt in his tone forcing her to bite back a smile. "You made me promise not to, remember?" 

"I'm the one that asked you to marry me." Nodding once at him, she swiveled her head to look at Jack who was doing an great impression of a goldfish as he opened and closed his mouth unable to form words in his state of shock. "I'm the one that proposed to Rafe. If you can even call it a proposal. It was just sort of a blurted out, _'marry me'_ to which he politely said no way in hell. Ok?" 

Jamal dropped into a chair he pulled up beside Jack's. And Livvie smirked. "I told you you'd feel like an ass." 


	40. Chapter 40

  
**Part II: Chapter 40**   


With a sigh, Rafe shook his head. "Alison-" 

"No, no, no, Rafe Kovich. Don't even say it!" Raising an eyebrow, she surveyed her friends and ex-boyfriend, and quickly decided that they'd all live through the surprise. Livvie maybe sooner than the other two considering she looked just a little bit happy about the entire thing. When the other woman caught her eyes, the smile she gave her was clearly a sign for her to continue, and Alison did just that. Turning back to her angel, she pulled away and crossed her arms in front of her. "You mean to tell me that we could be on our honeymoon right now if you didn't assume that even though I asked you to marry me that I'm not ready to do that, Rafe?" 

"Assume, Alison Barrington?" Blinking in surprise, Rafe didn't bother to stop the teasing note from entering his tone and took a tiny step closer to her. "Honey, I thought it was made perfectly clear yesterday that I know you… A whole hell of a lot better than you seem to think I do even. You aren't ready to become anyone's wife, Alison, let alone mine. Us married-" 

"I asked _you_ to marry me," Alison repeated, saying the words slowly as if she was trying to get her point across to a child. "Don't you think that I know what I am and am not ready for, Rafe? I mean, come on, even you had to admit that I know how I feel better than you do! You're changing that now? Now you're choosing to decide how I feel?" 

"Us getting married would hurt you, Alison. No matter how well you think that you could take it, it would hurt you." Reaching out, he stroked the curve of her jaw with this thumb, his tongue swept across his bottom lip before he continued. "I can't say it enough times, Alison. Hurting you isn't an option. I won't do it, and I won't put you in situations that we both know will end with you crying or heartbroken. You shouldn't ever have to cry again, honey, and if I can prevent it then you can damn well bet that I will." 

Clasping his hand in hers, Alison stepped forward at the same time he did, leaving them to meet in the middle. His free hand settled on her waist, and she latched her fingers around his elbow just in case he decided to try and slip away. "See what I mean about you striking me as the overprotective type? Rafe, I'm a big girl. I know what I'm doing." 

"I don't doubt that you do, Alison," he murmured, his fingers finding a rhythm of caressing her hip that threatened to hypnotize them both. His eyes raked over her, taking in each inch of her slowly before returning his gaze to hers. "I don't doubt that at all. But you can't be too protective of someone that you love." 

"Yes you can." 

Smiling, he brought her hand up to brush kisses across her knuckles. "No, you can't. Trust me, Alison. Please? Will you just trust me on this? Will you please, please just let me try and keep from hurting you even more, honey? Please, Alison? Because the thought of hurting you, of causing you pain, it rips at my soul. Let me protect you." 

"Why do you want to protect me from you though, Rafe? I told you… I knew what I was getting into, I mean, just because I went ahead and fell head over heels in love with you doesn't mean that I ever expected things to change. Why do you have to keep trying to protect me from you? I told you, I knew it was going to hurt getting into it…" 

His shoulders rose and fell on a sigh as he pulled her closer to him and pressed a kiss against her forehead. "I don't think either of us realized how much it would hurt though." 

Alison dropped her eyes, locking her gaze on their entwined hands as she felt the tears prick the back of her eyes at the truth in his words. "But I want to be your wife." 

Putting a hand under her chin, he forced her to look him in the eye. The tears he saw were almost enough to bring him to his knees as he stared—transfixed—unable to break away from the breathtaking honesty of her words. Simple words that he never thought could mean this much to him, left him torn between laughing and crying with her. 

"We may as well not even be here," Jamal muttered under his breath, shaking his head and watching them with what could only be morbid curiosity. 

Livvie sighed, a smile playing on her lips as she leaned against the table next to her boyfriend. "I know," she said, her voice just a little too dreamy for the liking of the two people in the room that _could_ hear her. "It's like the entire world just melts away when they're together. Like the only thing that matters to either of them is the other one." 

Placing his hand on her knee, Jack squeeze lightly to catch her attention. A frown cross his face when even then it took her a moment to pull her eyes away from the couple far to wrapped up in each other to notice. "Should I be jealous here, Livvie?" 

"No, just thankful I love you so much," she answered dryly. Once again she turned her head to watch Rafe and Alison as they seemed to stand still, hanging onto a moment and the sound of her heartfelt admission as both hung in the air around them. "You know, you guys, just a little tip, but every girl _does_ dream of being looked at that way." 

"I repeat, should _I_ be jealous?" 

"I think maybe I should be jealous of Ally." Shaking her head, Livvie nodded toward Jamal. "You both screwed up. Deal with it, get over it, just shove it, whatever. I don't care. Just don't give Ally anymore grief for Rafe than she's already having to deal with because she's in love with him and he's in love with her. Just let them be happy while they can, if either of you were _ever_ really her friends, just let her be happy right now because Rafe has to leave soon and it's going to tear her in two." 

"You mean to tell me," Jamal growled, clenching his hands into fists as he forced himself to stay seated. "That bastard stole her from me only to leave her and break her heart?" 

"He doesn't get a choice in the matter, Jamal." 

All eyes turned to Alison, who barely spared them a glance before looking back at the man in front of her. "Of course he has a choice," her ex spat, anger pumping through his veins in an effort to ignore the hurt that once again hit full force. "Does he need to go save someone else, Ally? Is that what it's about, Rafe? You need to go be someone else's angel now that you've got my girl in love with you and where you wanted her?" 

"He doesn't get a choice in the matter, Jamal," Alison repeated on sigh. "He has to go, and that's all there is to it. I know that if he could stay that he would. It's not his fault. That's what I keep trying to tell him. Just drop the subject, Jamal, because it really doesn't concern you at all. It's between me and Rafe, and if everyone else would stay out of it then it would be easier. Don't make assumptions when you don't know the story." 

"Yeah," Jack muttered unhappily. "Maybe she asked him to leave." 

"That was uncalled for," Rafe said, his words edged with an unspoken threat that he may as well have just shouted across the room in anger. His hand didn't release Alison's, and the second it became clear his meaning had gotten across to both of the other men, his eyes returned to her as well. 

A stray piece of hair fell into her face from behind her ear, tickling her cheek as she examined her friends as closely as possibly with the feeling of his eyes taking her in surrounding her. Sucking in a deep breath, Alison felt the tip of her tongue dart out to wet her lips as he brushed her hair away from her, in that same gentle gesture they'd both grown far too used to in the past few days. She looked at him from the corner of her eye, resisting the urge to look at him once more and get lost in his eyes until time for him to leave her. "Did you guys want something?" Alison asked instead, pulling herself from the daze of him that she yearned to fall into again and again. 

"Well, the plan _was_ dinner," Jamal grumbled just loud enough for everyone to hear. "But after that I don't know if my stomach can actually handle food." 

"Shut up, Jamal," Livvie hissed, smiling apologetically to Alison and then Rafe. "Lucy called and told me that Rafe was back so I just assumed that you wouldn't be working. In fact, she said something about hoping you weren't? But since you _are_, and it's like beyond slow here, why don't you let me take over the rest of your shift?" 

"Oh, Livvie, no! I can't-" 

"Hey," she interrupted with a sly smile. "You can. I think I may have a little bit of pull with the owners… They'll let you, don't worry about it." 

"But, it's such a mess and-" 

"Ally! Just go! Have fun! It's slow around here anyway, and it's only for a few hours." Livvie inhaled sharply at the quick look exchanged between the two lovebirds, and the corners of her mouth pulled up into a smile despite her best efforts. Sliding off the table, she took a step away from the other two and lowered her voice just a little. "And a few hours aren't really going to make a difference in my life right now." 

Alison bit her thumb and looked at Rafe in question. He shrugged, leaving the choice up to her. Smiling at her friend, she released his hand to untie the apron around her waist. "Thank you, Livvie," she whispered, passing the apron on to the other woman and ignoring the unhappy looks being shot her way. Walking behind the counter, she grabbed her purse and shouted a quick goodbye to Victor through the door. Hearing his response, she nodded and walked back to her angel. "I owe you one," she whispered as she passed her friend. 

"I don't think we're even close to even, Ally." 

"Yes, we are." Embracing Livvie quickly, she couldn't fight the grin as she pulled back and whispered, "I'll let you know if I need a bridesmaid." 

"I heard that, you know," he said, trying his best to sound disappointed as he fought the smile from forming at the once again raised subject. 

"Good." Looking over her shoulder at Rafe, Alison grinned even brighter than before. "I meant for you to. You do know that I can be very stubborn don't you, Rafe?" 

"It's something I've noticed about you, yes." Finally his smile met hers full force as she crossed back to him and nestled her hand inside of his. "Doesn't mean I'm not going to try and protect you everytime I get the chance, Alison." She started to walk away, still hold onto his hand, but he pulled her back, the strength of the tug surprised her and sent her flying back against his chest. Rafe leaned down to whisper in her ear, "And _that_ doesn't mean that I don't like… love the idea of you being my wife." 

Alison nodded, shaking off the shock before he could get the better of her with that line. Once again she started walking toward the entrance, pulling him with her all the way, pausing only to grab their coats. "Do you think we can at least try and make Destiny happen?" she asked him as he helped her into hers. 

The sound of Livvie choking on her suppressed laughter was all she heard as Rafe was once again left speechless. 


	41. Chapter 41

  
**Part II: Chapter 41**   


They were both laughing as they stepped out of the diner, bundled in their coats to fight off the cold. The chill in the air sent a shiver through Alison and she grabbed a hold of his hand, needing to touch him more than she needed to breathe at the moment. It was a good thing too. He spun her around in a circle in front of him, breaking the short spell of silence by laughing as she started to giggle, then pulling her back to him, needing to have her close for what they both knew eventually had to come. Once more she landed again his chest, locked into his eyes, with their laughter surrounding them like a blanket. And breathing was suddenly very, _very_ overrated for them both. 

"I love you, Alison Barrington," he murmured with a smile as he pushed her hair away from her face. She continued to giggle, and before he could stop himself he was chuckling again as well. Her laughter was contagious, and her happiness was, without a doubt the single most beautiful thing he'd ever been blessed enough to lay his eyes upon in heaven or earth. "I love you," he repeated, the laughter still edging his voice as he brushed his lips against hers. 

"I love you, too," she whispered in reply, her arms winding themselves around him to hold him as close as possible. Alison's laughter faded as he barely brushed her lips with his once more. There was still the sinking fear of him answering her half teasing question in the pit of her stomach, because she knew without a doubt what his answer would be. 

Rafe kissed her again, wishing he could ease the nervousness and fear of rejection that he saw in her eyes, but knowing that he couldn't. All he could do right now, all he ever _wanted_ to do, was kiss her. So he did. Again and again. Gentle little kisses that were so feather light they were barely even there. He sighed as she released his waist to bring up a hand to his, her fingers curled around his wrist, keeping his hand on her face as she turned just slightly so that his lips hit the corner of her mouth instead. "I'm sorry." 

Her tongue swept across her bottom lip and she looked away as tears filled her eyes without her permission. "It's not your fault, Rafe. You just… I know that if you could make things different that you would. I know that you want… Destiny and all of that almost as much as I do. I know that it can't happen. And I know that you're just looking out for me. But didn't we decide that I don't have to like it?" 

"Yeah… We did decide that. Neither one of us have to like it, but that's the way that things are. Even… Alison, even if I wasn't so completely terrified of hurting you… Kids aren't exactly an option, I'm pretty sure that they take care of that." He tucked her hair behind her ear once more before taking her other hand as well. "I'm sorry that I can't make all your dreams come true, Alison. Because I promise you there is nothing that I want more." 

"It's not your fault," she repeated again. "I just… I guess I was just hoping, you know? I'd really like to be a mother. And I'd really love to carry your child inside of me. To have a part of you with me forever and always… I didn't ever really think it could happen. So I don't guess that I actually have a right to be disappointed." 

"You have the right to feel however you feel, Alison. I'm not going to tell you that you're wrong for it." Smiling slightly, he kissed her again. "You ready to go?" 

Alison nodded and started walking only to have him stay standing still. "What?" 

"I had a different idea." He squeezed her hand slightly, then tugged her toward him gently. When she was beside him once more he couldn't help but smile down at her. "I take it that you never made it back to see all the kids yesterday?" 

She shook her head and smiled back at him, almost amazed that he knew her so well. Almost. Somehow she was beginning to get used to it. "We're going to the hospital?" 

"If that's alright with you," Rafe replied, nodding. "It made you smile, and I think that right now you need to smile." He ran the pad of his thumb across her bottom lip like he'd been longing to do since yesterday afternoon. "Have I mentioned that I love your smile?" 

Shrugging her shoulders, she flashed him a grin and started walking in the direction of the hospital. "Maybe not today… I am fairly certain that it was mentioned yesterday though. But, you know, you can tell me that as many times as you like." 

"That is very good to know," Rafe chuckled, nearly pulling her back to him again for another kiss before he realized that they were in the middle of the street. His steps sped up, and the moment they were on the sidewalk again his lips were back on hers. "Sorry, I had to do that," he explained with a smile when he forced himself to break the kiss. 

"I'm not complaining," Alison sighed, allowing him to pull away from her, but keeping his hand in hers. "I missed you, you know. Just in case I haven't said that enough." 

His thumb brushed across her cheek as both their smiles turned bittersweet in the same instant. "I missed you too, Alison." Rafe darted his eyes to the hospital, then back to the woman in front of him. "And I'm going to miss you," he added softly. 

"Oh, well, back at you," she said as she smiled shyly. Her eyes cast downward, and she was yearning to be back in his arms again. "It's just… Will you promise me something?" 

"Anything." 

She met his gaze, more than just a little surprised to find that they screamed that what he had just said was nothing but the absolute truth. "Do you promise that we'll at least get to really say goodbye? I mean, no just walking out the door and never coming back, ok?" 

"I- That's… You were afraid that's what was going to happen yesterday?" Groaning, he took a step toward her releasing her hand in order to cup her face. "Oh, honey," he sighed, brushing his lips against hers gently. "I'm so sorry about that, I didn't mean to scare you, or hurt you. It was just that I realized something and had to talk to Ed, my boss, about it right away." Her eyes pulled away from him, and he pressed a kiss onto her forehead. "But hey, listen to me, I promise, ok? I promise you that I'll say goodbye to you. I'm not going to tell you that I'll see you later and then just disappear. I couldn't stand myself if I did that to you, Alison. I promise that we'll get to say goodbye." 

Nodding in acceptance, Alison smiled slightly, obviously unhappy about the knowledge that he was leaving her at all. "Thank you," she whispered softly. Standing on her tip toes, to press her lips to his briefly. When she was once again flat on her feet, she opened her eyes, and this time really smiled at her angel as she held up her hand and wiggled her fingers to get him to take it. "Let's go see if we can't read a few bedtime stories." 

"Sounds like a pretty good time to me," he laughed, finally releasing her only to take her hand as they started walking toward the entrance. "You know that Destiny isn't going to be here, right? I mean, I know you wanted to see her again, but she's…" 

"Home. Right. I know that." She looked at him strangely as she stepped through the door he held open for her. "She was only staying the night because she had a slight concussion from when she fell ice skating. It was pretty silly of me to think she'd even be here yesterday afternoon." Tilting her head slightly, Alison pressed the call button for the elevator before looking back at him with a smile. "She told me that her brother was there because he'd broken his arm and hit his head too? I guess that was her twin, right?" 

"Right," he nodded, stepping into the car in step with her and pressing the button for the children's ward. "I just thought you should know that they won't be here." 

"Ok." Leaning against him, Alison closed her eyes and giggled lightly. "She told me that their mother said they got their grace on the ice from their father." 

Rolling his eyes, Rafe chuckled with her. "I'm sure that they did." 

"Rafe? Is there something you're not telling me? I mean… I knew Destiny and her brother were going home yesterday, and you knew that I knew that…" Opening her eyes, she pulled away from him slightly as the elevator stopped on their floor. The doors opened, but she made no move to get off as she looked up at him. "So why bring it up?" 

"I- I just don't want to see you disappointed, that's all." 

Questions were burning the tip of her tongue as he fidgeted, obviously lying to her and uncomfortable with it, but before she could ask any of them, he was holding open the doors so and letting go of her hand to place his palm on the small of her back to guide her. "Visiting hours may be over," she said instead, making a note to investigate the topic more later. "But we can still like read stories and stuff. Some of the younger kids are probably supposed to be sleeping about now. It's been a while since I volunteered here, so I've kind of forgotten the rules. Is that alright with you?" 

He stopped half way to the nurse's desk, and she turned around to see why. Rafe just smiled and shrugged. "As long at it makes you smile, Alison. That's the most important thing to me right now. Making you smile and laugh and seeing you happy." 

"Rafe," she whined lightly, the lightest of a blush beginning to form on her cheeks. 

Fighting back the urge to laugh, he stepped closer and leaned down slightly to whisper into her ear. "Because I love you. And I love your smile." 


	42. Chapter 42

  
**Part II: Chapter 42**   


"Did they live happily ever after?" 

"What do you think?" he asked, dimples flashing as he smiled at the redhead in front of him. Pushing her curls away from her face, he couldn't help but grin even wider as her eyelids dropped then opened again quickly. 

"I think…" she sighed, her brow furrowing as she thought about the question a moment longer. Wiggling, she pulled the worn teddy bear closer to her. "Yes." 

"Yes?" Rafe pulled the pink blanket up to cover her a little more and tucked it in around her just a little tighter, making sure that her arms were free and her IV undisturbed. "Why yes?" 

"Because they _always_ live happily ever after," she giggled, rolling her eyes in a move the clearly showed just how ridiculous she thought the question was. "Don't you know the story?" 

"Ummm… Which story should I know?" 

"Any of 'em!" 

"Any of 'em?" Rafe repeated, trying not to let the smile that was fighting to form show. "I know lots of 'em! I bet I know some that not even you know." 

Again she giggled, and her eyes closed for just a moment longer. "No, you don't," the little girl said, laughter filling her voice. "You didn't even know that Cinderella lived happily ever after!" 

"I did so! I just wanted to see if _you_ knew, silly." 

"I know all the stories!" 

"All of them?" he asked, wonder lacing his tone as he grinned again when she closed her eyes. "I don't think so! Do you know… _'Little Red Riding Hood'_?" 

"Yup!" Becki smiled proudly and opened her eyes to nod her head. "And I know _'The Three Little Bears'_ and _'Sleeping Beauty' _and _'Little Mermaid'_ and…" 

"And?" he prompted as she trailed off. 

"And all the others, silly!" 

Alison leaned against the doorway, watching as he once again pushed the dark red curls away from the little girl's face. A smile played on her lips as she found herself rooted in place, mesmerized by his gentleness with the four year old that was fighting her sleep. His quiet laughter and tender, soothing voice filled the room as he started to list fairytales and Disney movies while counting on his fingers and continuing to look more amazed as she nodded to each one. 

"Well, Miss Becki Faye," Rafe said a moment later. "I think you really may just know every single one of 'em!" Throwing his hands up in mock defeat, he couldn't help the smile that formed as she once again giggled. Another laugh joined hers, and he turned in his seat to see Alison standing there. "Maybe she should tell us a bedtime story!" 

"No, silly," Rebecca laughed again. "You're 'posed to tell _me_ a story." 

"Well," Alison said, a smile still lighting her face as she walked into the room and stood beside Rafe, her hand landing on his shoulder. "Do you know the one about the angel?" 

"The angel?" she asked, her interest obviously peeked. 

"Uh huh. An angel that came down from Heaven to make people smile again. Do you know that one?" 

"Nope." Becki shook her head, sending curls flying, then settled back down again. "Will you tell it to me, please?" 

"Of course." Alison grinned as she leaned over to pull up the blanket on the little girl once more. "See, once upon a time there were a lot of people that were angry and upset and hurt. They'd lost all their friends, and they didn't trust each other anymore." 

"Why?" 

"Because the monster made them think that they couldn't," Rafe answered, his hand settling on Alison's hip. Smiling up at her quickly, he pulled her into his lap. 

"There's a monster?" 

"There _was_ a monster," Alison answered, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. "And the people got rid of him once, but he came back again. This time when he came back, he made people even sadder than before. For a while, they all forgot how to smile!" 

"They didn't know how to smile?" 

"Not for a little while. But then God sent down an angel to help them." Her smile was sweet as she glanced at Rafe, knowing that he was watching her as she spoke. The feeling of his eyes on her sent a shiver of awareness down her spine, and his arm wrapped around her tighter in response. 

"The angel came down from Heaven?" 

"Yup. And he helped get rid of the monster once and for all. But even though the monster was gone, people were still really sad because of the things that he did. So God asked that the angel stay just a little while longer so that he could help everyone that was still hurt because of something that the monster did. The angel was sent to make everyone happy again." 

"Did he?" 

"Uh huh," she nodded. "He spread his magic love dust-" 

"There was no magic love dust!" Rafe interrupted, poking her playfully in the side. 

"Who is telling this story?" Alison bit her lip against her laughter and turned back to the little girl before continuing. "Anyway, he spread his magic love dust around and made people see that they could still be with the person that they loved. And all these people started to smile again, even more than they had before." 

"Because of the love dust?" 

"No. Because the angel showed people his magic and his light and made them see that everything is beautiful. He made everything seem like a little miracle right in the palm of his hand. All the people started to see that life was a miracle and love was the very greatest thing _ever_. And when he was around, one girl couldn't help but always want to smile." 

"Why?" 

"Because she loved him," Alison answered simply, glancing at her angel quickly before going on. "She loved him whole bunches." 

"Did she know he was an angel?" 

"Uh huh. She did know that he was an angel. And she knew that he had to go back up to Heaven soon. But she loved him anyway. And she smiled lots when he was around. She started to think that maybe he was her very own little miracle." 

"Did the angel love her?" 

"Yes, he did," Rafe stated simply, his eyes never leaving the woman that owned his heart. 

"Was she a princess? Cause there's always a princess in the stories." 

"No, she wasn't a princess." Alison entwined her hand with his, her eyes focusing only on the way that Becki's eyes closed for longer and longer each time she blinked. A smile graced her lips as she shook her head slightly and forced herself to continue. "When she was a little girl, she'd use to dream that she was a princess. But she was just a regular girl. And she couldn't figure out why this angel loved her." 

"Was she beautiful?" Becki yawned, forcing her eyes open again. 

"The most beautiful girl the angel had ever seen," Rafe said, grinning wider as Alison started to blush at the compliment. "She was more beautiful than anyone or anything he'd seen before. Not even Heaven could compare. But that wasn't why he loved her." 

"Why did he love her?" 

"Because she was everything that he'd ever dreamed of and never got to have while he was alive. And because she was amazing and she made him laugh and smile. And because when he looked at her the rest of the world could disappear and he wouldn't know it at all." 

"Why did the girl love him?" 

"For lots of reasons," Alison said, blinking away tears as she turned back to the little girl who didn't even bother to open her eyes that time. "For all of the same reasons that he loved her. And because he always made everything better for her. She loved him because he was a very handsome angel that sometimes she thought was sent down to earth just so she could love forever and always. She loved that sometimes when he was around she had to remind herself to breathe because he took her breath away. But most of all she loved him because he made her feel like the princess that she used to dream about being." 

Shifting on his lap, Alison leaned her back against his chest and her forehead against his temple as they watched in silence for a few minutes as Becki fought to open her eyes and lost. "She didn't want to love him at first, because she knew that he had to go back up to heaven, but she couldn't help it. Eventually," she sighed, her eyes on his face. "She just couldn't fight it anymore though. Because they were meant to be in love. They were meant to be everything to each other." 

Rafe tapped her hip with his free hand, and she pulled away just a little to nod. Quietly Alison stood, her hand clutching his as he got up as well. Before they could make it further away than the foot of the hospital bed though they found themselves wrapped back up in each other. 

He wrapped his arms around her, holding her against him. She wrapped her arms around his, smiling and glancing at him from the corner of her eye when he hunched down to put his chin on her shoulder. "Have I mentioned that you're going to make a great mother someday?" Rafe whispered softly. 

"Rafe?" 

Both sets of eyes turned back to the sleepy voice, and couldn't help but smile as the little body snuggled closer to her teddy bear. "Yeah?" he asked after a second longer. 

"Did they live happily ever after?" 

Pulling away from Alison he walked softly back toward the little girl. Tucking her blanket in around her a final time, Rafe sighed. His fingers gently pushed her hair from her eyes again and he couldn't help but smile as her breathing evened once more. Turning back to see if Alison could give him some idea of what to do he found that she had left the small hospital room. 

Shaking his head, he bent down slightly. "What do you think, Miss Becki Faye?" he whispered, dropping a kiss on top of her head before walking toward the door. Smiling softly, he said a muted goodnight as he glanced over his shoulder before leaving. 

"You're great with her," Alison whispered, her eyes focusing the floor as she attempted to force away the tears that had burned her eyes at the innocent question of a sleeping child. "You're great with all of them, Rafe." 

Sighing, he took her hand, brushing kissing along her knuckles until her eyes met his. He smiled as he teasingly whispered his reply, "Maybe it's the magic love dust." 

Giggling lightly, Alison shook her head. "It's not fair, Rafe," she muttered sadly. 

"Life isn't fair, honey." 

"And the afterlife?" 

"Even less fair." 

"That sucks." 

Laughing, Rafe nodded. "Pretty much, yeah. It does. But there is nothing that we can do about it. There's nothing that anyone can do because that's the way that things are." With a sigh, he brushed away the stray tear that escaped from her eye. "Don't… Alison…" 

"You would've made a great father," she said on a shaky sigh. "And a more than amazing husband." 

"I guess we'll never know." 

"It's not fair." 

"Now that I know." Rafe squeezed her hand slightly before releasing it. "Come on, let's go. You look tired. Did you sleep at all last night?" 

"Maybe twenty minutes?" 

He placed his hand on her hip to move her away from the wall she was leaning against. "Come on, I'm taking you home." Rafe slid his hand to her back, urging her forward gently. "Then you're going to bed, and you are going to sleep. Got it?" 

"I'll try," she agreed reluctantly. Picking up their coats from where they'd been left by the nurse's station, Alison let him help her slip into hers without complaint. A moment later and a nod goodnight to the night nurse, and she was pressing the call button for the elevator once more. 

"What's wrong?" 

"Nothing," Alison answered, once again sighing. 

"Alison-" 

She glanced up at him quickly before turning her eyes to their clasped hands. "It's just… It's not supposed to be like this, Rafe." They stepped into the elevator car together, and she pressed the button for the lobby and leaned back against him. 

Wrapping his arms around her waist, Rafe held her close. "I can't change things." 

"I know… I know that. It's just… It's something that Livvie and I were talking about yesterday. And then Becki…" Tears filled her eyes again, and she tried to blink them back only to make them fall. "We have a fairytale, Rafe. It's supposed to end with happily ever after. It's not fair that it doesn't." 

Turning her around, he pushed her tears away. "I…" A sigh passed his lips and he bent to look her in the eye. "Alison, I love you. And that's… I love you." 

The corner of her mouth turned upwards slightly as she nodded. "I know, Rafe. I know." 

Nodding, he entwined his hand with hers again as the doors opened to the elevator and they stepped out. He held the door open for her, never letting her hand go, and they walked back to her apartment in silence. Each searching for words that they knew they had no hope of finding. And longing for the faith they needed to survive what they'd known before the beginning was going to have to come. 

Their steps slowed the closer they got, both avoiding the goodbyes they knew they'd have to say tonight and then later. Neither wanted to let the other out of their site, out of their arms, but it was yet another of those unavoidable things. Just something else that they really had no control over. 

Alison sighed, leaning back against the door to the apartment and smiling slightly up at him. "You gonna come in?" 

"That's probably not the best idea," he answered, somewhat sadly, as his thumb brushed across her cheek. 

"Why not? Come on, Rafe, I'm a big girl. I get to make my own choices." 

"Since you like to quote me so much, what did I say about protecting you?" 

She sighed unhappily. "I still don't get why you want to protect me from you. I love you." 

"I know. And that's why." 

"What?" 

He laughed lightly and kissed her softly, quickly, before pulling away. "Love is a very powerful thing, Alison. And it can lift you up and it can tear you down. I won't tear you down. I won't… I don't have to try and hurt you to do it, Alison, and that's why it scares me so much. Even with the best of intentions, I could end up hurting you even more." 

She shrugged halfheartedly. "I guess so. But, you know, I knew that it was going to break me when I started to fall for you." 

"We don't get to have happily ever after, honey. Even though if we could then we would. We'd have it all and so much more. But we don't get that. Our fairytale has to end differently." Once again he brushed his lips against hers. "Even though you are the most beautiful girl in the entire universe." 

Giggling, Alison felt her cheeks heating. "Well, you know, you aren't so bad yourself, Angel Boy." 

Taking a step back, he reaching into his coat, "I almost forgot…" 

Her laughter filled the air as she spotted the single pink rose. "And what is this for?" she asked with a smile as she took it from his hand. 

"Because I love you whole bunches," he grinned in reply. "And because you are amazing, because I have to remind myself to breathe around you sometimes. And because you are the princess that I always knew I'd fall in love with." 

Tears were in her eyes once more, and her smile was bright. She managed to say a nearly silent thank you before their lips had connected once again. "I love you," she whispered as they broke apart. 

"I know." One more kiss and then he stepped back again. "Now, you need to go to bed." 

"You could always join me," she grinned slyly. Laughing as he opened his mouth to reply then snapped it shut once more. "I'm sure Valerie would just call Livvie and Lucy and then leave again really quickly." 

Chuckling, he shook his head. "You think?" 

"Maybe…" 

"I think that it gets harder to say goodbye to you everytime." 

"This isn't goodbye, Rafe. Just goodnight. You don't get to leave me yet." 

"I don't want to ever leave you, Alison." 

"I know. And I don't ever want you to go." With a sigh, she pulled her key from her purse and turned to unlock the door. Looking back over her shoulder, she opened the door. "Come in?" 

"Am I going to have to tuck you in too?" 

"Maybe," she laughed, walking in and leaving the door open behind her to leave the choice up to him. She slid out of her coat, managing somehow to keep the flower he'd just given to her in her hand, and throwing her coat over the sofa before she spotted them. A dozen pink roses sat in a vase on the coffee table, another dozen in the kitchen, and another dozen by her bed. Everywhere she turned, she spotted flowers - her favorite flowers even. "Rafe," she sighed, an astonished smile lighting her face as she turned to find him leaning against the doorway with a smile. 

"Lucy did have a few good ideas," he shrugged. "Like flowers. Of course, she wanted red roses, so that was a little bit of a fight. But eventually she came around to my way of thinking. The hard part was getting all of these here without you noticing. And, in case you were wondering, I didn't cheat." 

"Get in here," Alison laughed. Watching as he complied to her demand without much hesitation. He shut the door behind him, threw his coat over hers, and stood in front of her with a shy smile. Before he could speak though, she threw her arms around his neck and found his lips with hers. "Thank you," she whispered again when he broke the kiss. 

"Thank you." 

"For what?" 

"For knowing it was going to hurt and loving me anyway," he answered, sounding somewhat in awe of the fact as he said it. 

Alison grinned and kissed him again. "You're worth it." 

"No… You, Alison, are the one that is worth the heartache. You deserve someone that can make all of your dreams come true, honey." 

"You don't get it do you, Rafe?" Shaking her head, Alison moved to sit on the sofa. She took off her shoes before meeting his gaze again. The question was written in his look, but he didn't dare ask it. And she knew that he'd stay for a while longer if she didn't answer right away. "You want some hot chocolate?" 

"I'm good, thanks." 

"Are you sure? Cause I'm gonna-" 

"Go to bed." 

"What?" 

"I know what you're doing, Alison," he said, obviously fighting against a smile. "And it's not going to work. Now, go to bed. Go, go, go…" 

"Rafe," she whined. "I don't-" 

"You are tired and you need sleep, Alison. I'll be at Lucy's, ok? I'll see you tomorrow morning." 

Sighing, she stood again, walking past him and toward her bedroom. She searched through her drawers for a few minutes before pulling out some clothes. "Don't go just yet, alright?" 

"Alright…" he answered, unsure that he should stay but never ready to leave her. He watched her every step as she walked toward the bathroom, leaving the door open just a crack so that the light spilled toward the darkened bed. Shaking his head, he leaned against the arm of the couch, his fingers softly brushing one of the roses that sat on the end table. 

In the silence all he could hear where the sounds of her moving around, obviously undressing. "Where's Valerie?" Rafe asked, needing to have a different sound to focus on, anything to remove the forbidden images that that brought to his mind. 

"She's staying with Jack and Livvie for a few days to give me time to regroup. Well, yesterday it was to give us time to… get to know each other better or something. You know, they're crazy plan that really wasn't all that good." 

"I know." He shrugged even though she couldn't see him. "But it did work, I guess." 

"Yeah… They wanted to truth to come out and it did. Which is a really good thing…" Stepping out of the bathroom wearing a pair of purple pajama bottoms and the matching top, she was smiling as she pulled her hair back. "But I still say it was a lame plan." 

Rafe laughed and nodded. "It was a lame plan," he admitted. 

"You're really going to make me go to bed?" 

"Yes." 

"And you really won't join me?" 

"No." 

"Are you sure?" Alison asked, sly smile firmly in place as she caught the way his eyes took her in. 

"No… I mean, yes. Yes, I'm sure." 

Pouting playfully, she wrapped her arms around his neck, eye to eye with him because he was sitting. "But Rafe," she whined, fighting a smile as his hands landed on her hips. Alison brushed her lips against his cheek and then kissed him softly. "Why not?" 

"Because it's a very, very bad idea." 

"No?" 

"No." Grinning, he stood, lifting her into his arms with one swift movement. "But you are going to bed now. No more stalling." 

She smiled, letting him carry her and sit her on the bed. Sliding underneath the covers, she settled into a comfortable position, and he tucked the blankets in around her. "Goodnight," Alison told him softly. "I'll see you tomorrow." 

"Yes you will," he answered her with a grin. Kissing her one more time, he backed up. "I'll be at Lucy's if you need me, alright?" 

"Alright," she murmured, giving into the exaustion just a little bit. She relaxed into her pillows. "You'll be at Lucy's. And I'll see you tomorrow. Got it." 

"Sweet dreams." 

"They will be," Alison informed him with a smile. She heard the door open, and then decided to speak again. "Oh, and Rafe, if you change your mind you'll know where to find me." 

Groaning, Rafe shook his head and finally gave in and laughed. "I love you, Alison." 

"I love you too." 

"Goodnight," he whispered, locking the door and shutting it behind him. 

"Goodnight, my angel." 


	43. Chapter 43

  
**Just a warning lovelies. I'm holding 44 hostage until further notice. Translation: Until I get FEEDBACK! It's my pay check, it feeds my soul! I'm not setting a goal this time, I'm just not giving you 44 until I feel loved again. Enjoy!   
**Oh, and for the record, I had 42 written long before the scene where Rafe gave Livvie pink roses. It's that evil PC writer in my head that enjoys twisting things so... 

**Part II: Chapter 43**   


The slightly upbeat rhythm of a song playing on the radio whispered softly into the air. It begged for her attention, her movement, and it fought to lure her from her sleep just a little more. Thunder rolled in the distance, blocking the music for a moment, then lightning lit the sky. It flashed light through the room, and even through her closed eyes the brightness hit her for just the briefest of a second. 

But none of those things were what woke her. 

Opening her eyes, she caught site of the bright red numbers on her alarm clock. Whatever they were though, she paid no attention. Even through the thick haze of drowsiness, her mind focused on one thing only. 

The familiar feeling of his eyes taking her in. 

As she rolled over to her other side, lightning flashed again, allowing her to see the soft smile on the face of the man she loved. He stood on the other side of the bed, just out of her reach. So she settled for a mumbled question as she continued to fight to wake up, "Did you change your mind?" 

"Maybe," Rafe answered when the thunder once again left the room quiet except for the radio and her breathing. His voice was smooth, calming, it wrapped around her and sent a shiver down her spine. And he knew it. "You forgot to tell me what it is that I don't get." 

Confusion still reigned the part of her that wasn't completely focused on the way his eyes darted from her, to the clock, to the window and then back again. Still trying to find her way out of the dense fog of sleep completely, Alison pouted. "What?" 

"You said I didn't get it," he answered, the smile again on his face as his eyes finally settled on her. "But you didn't tell me what it is that I don't get." 

"Oh." Grinning, Alison rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand. "You are all my dreams. No one else can ever make them come true. Because you, Rafe Kovich, are the man that has always, _always_ been in my dreams and my destiny." 

Thunder rolled again, but her angel didn't reply to her comment. He stood there, silently, staring at her. His eyes were taking her in. Her eyes, her hair, her smile, her fingernails that were digging into the blanket that covered her. Still Rafe remained silent, studying her as if she was the most precious thing he'd ever laid his eyes on. 

A moment, or a second, or an hour later, he started to slowly walk around the foot of the bed. Alison sighed, rolling onto her back, her eyes locking with his as she propped herself up on her elbows to keep her angel in her sight. It seemed he was moving so slowly toward her he was barely moving at all, but then, she lost all concept of time with him around. 

And she'd been waiting far too long to be completely lost in the daze that love, desire and the nearness of him created. 

Rafe sat on the edge of the bed, brushing his thumb over her bottom lip before replacing it with his mouth. Kissing her softly, his hand found his preferred resting place on her hip. When he pulled away, it was reluctantly, just as it always was. Both of them were none to happy about the separation, but both knew that it eventually had to come. 

"I love you, Alison Barrington," he said, greeting her to the sight of his dimples when she reopened her eyes. "I love you, more than I can say, more than anything, Alison, I love you. You are my dreams, Alison, and you are my heart and my soul. I- I never knew what love was, not until I saw you. Then everything made sense. It all fell into place." 

"I love you too," Alison whispered in reply. She sat up, her fingers finding their way to the back of his hair. She smiled, her breath catching when he bent down to brush his lips against hers again tenderly, just barely making contact before he pulled back again. "It was destiny, you know, you coming here. It wasn't just… What we have, Rafe, it was meant to be from the very start. It had to be, because there is no what that… It wasn't an accident that we met and fell in love, Rafe, it couldn't have been." 

His eyes went from hers to her lips and then back again. "Too bad Destiny is out of the question," he sighed. "I have to go." 

"No, no, you don't." Alison pouted again slightly, her lower lip jutting out as her fingers tightened in his hair in an attempt to make him stay. "Spend the night with me, Rafe. That's… If I can't have you forever, then let me have you tonight." 

"Honey," Rafe growled, cupping her face with his hands. "I'm yours. You've got me until the end of eternity. No one and nothing is gonna change that. You understand me, Alison? You're in everything that I am, everything that I think, everything that I wish, hope and dream is you, honey. I am so completely yours. You have to know that." 

Her other hand joined his as she nodded. "I-I know that." 

"You should know that, honey. I can't say it enough times." Lifting her hand to his mouth, Rafe lightly brushed kisses across her knuckles. "You are everything that I could have ever dreamed of, Alison. The one woman that could have ever made me think of a home, of children and _life_." He kissed the inside of her wrist, then her palm as she pulled her hand out of his. "You're everything that matters to me, Alison Barrington." 

Her hand settled on his cheek, her thumb just barely whispering across his mouth to silence him. "Then stay with me, Rafe. Please, please don't leave me." 

"I have to," the angel said, the pain the statement caused ringing in their ears. "I have to." 

Sighing, Alison pulled him in for another quick kiss. Wanting him… Needing to taste him before logic won out once more and he stepped away from her again. "Not… Rafe, not tonight. You don't have to leave tonight. You… Just stay here with me." 

"I can't," he replied sadly. Still, he made no effort to pull away from her. 

"Why not?" 

"Because… Because, Alison. Hurting you isn't an option. I've told you that. I love you, Alison. I love you, and I want you more than I have ever wanted anything. But I won't hurt you just to… I won't sleep with you and then leave you, I won't hurt you that way." 

"I love you, Rafe." With an odd half smile, Alison shrugged her shoulders before continuing. "I love that you gave me roses, I love that I finally found the man that I dreamed about as a little girl. I love that you want to be my prince, my angel and my white knight. I love that you don't want to hurt me. And really, the whole self-sacrificing protector thing you're doing is really, really sweet… In a totally screwed up kind of way. But this… it's my choice too, Rafe. And I don't want to have to live my entire life with nothing more than dreams of falling asleep in your arms. You don't get to decide this by yourself. I won't let you decide to protect me by staying away from me. I won't!" 

He chuckled lightly as her voice raised, and her smile slipped with each word. And Alison stopped mid-rant to glare at him. "I'm sorry-" 

"No you aren't." 

Sobering at her words, he tangled his fingers in her hair, turning her head and forcing her eyes to his. "I am, Alison. I'm so sorry. But I can't change things and neither can you. We just have to deal with them the best way that we can. And I can't deal with anything if it means hurting you. Can you just try to understand that please?" 

"You're such a damn angel," Alison sighed. "I just… I want to be your wife, Rafe." 

"And I want you to be my wife, Alison." Shifting, Rafe moved to be closer to her, one hand stayed in her hair, tipping her head back just before he lowered his mouth to hers. He caressed her cheek for a moment before letting his fingers wander down her long, slender neck. The smooth curve of her shoulders captivated him as he forced his mouth from hers none to happily. "I want you, Alison. So much that it hurts." 

"I'm right here, Rafe. I'm right here wanting you just as much. All you have to do is take me up on what I'm offering." 

The laugh that rumbled from deep in his chest was sexy and sweet, hot against her neck as he placed random kisses along her flesh. "And exactly what is it that you are offering here?" he asked, never stopping the kisses as she leaned her head back just a bit more. "One night before I have to leave? One last chance at everything I've ever wanted?" 

"Me, Rafe," she corrected, her fingers curling into his hair again, her eyes drifting shut. "Why can't you see that I'm offering you me?" The familiar sting of tears hit her as his lips moved to her shoulder. "Why won't you let me give you everything I am? Even… Even if it is just for this one night. It's better than never at all." 

He pulled away from her quickly, roughly. Standing, Rafe stepped away from the bed, away from her, needing to put distance between then. "Then what?" the angel snapped a moment later, taking another step back, he shook his head. "What happens tomorrow?" 

"W-What do you mean, Rafe? We can be together. At least until you have to leave. We can… We can at least pretend that all our dreams are gonna come true, you know? It doesn't have to change tomorrow. We can wake up in each others arms, we can pretend that we don't have a deadline staring us in the face! We can try and have what we want while we can. While you are here, then we can get married, we can be in love. We can make it real, Rafe. It doesn't have to just be a damn fantasy!" 

"It does!" Angry at his inability to see her in the dark, he turned on the lamp beside her bed. The light sent a soft yellow glow over everything, and Alison had to shield her eyes from the sudden brightness. Another clap of thunder, the first she'd noticed since he got close to her, caused her to jump, and the action made him take a tiny step toward her instead of away. "It does," Rafe repeated, softer this time. "It has to just be a damn fantasy, Alison, because it can not happen between us! Nothing can!" 

"Yes-" 

"No," he interrupted, his tone sharp, leaving no room for argument. "Nothing can happen tonight or any other night. And it's not because I don't love you, it's not because I don't want you. It's because I am too much in love with you to… I can't do it, Alison. I can't sleep with you then leave you. I can't handle what would have to happen in the morning." 

Swallowing hard, Alison pulled her knees to her chest. She felt so small there, in the middle of the bed, curled up and nearly lost under the huge yellow comforter. His anger and unhappiness was rolling off of him in waves, his jaw tightened and he turned to look away when he caught her staring. "W-What do you think has to happen in the morning?" 

"We both know what has to happen, Alison. You go back to Jamal, hell, I'd probably start pushing you there because I want you happy even more than I want you. You go back to Jamal, then I leave. Or maybe I leave then you get back with the man you love." He shrugged his shoulders carelessly but kept his eyes on the window. Rafe sighed before continuing, his voice still soft despite the harshness of his words. "Either way, I'm in my world and you're in yours. Because we both know that there is no way we can work this out between us. We both know I have to go back. There's no happily ever after, there's no way that I get to stay and we get to have Destiny. It's not going to happen, Alison. None of it is ever going to happen. Because even if I got back into that bed with you now, even if I made love to you until the second that I have to leave, we both know that I still have to go back up there and you stay here." 

Alison could do nothing but stare at his back, the shock took over, and she was left speechless by his honest but hurtful words. The truth broke her heart, left her breathless with the pain and anger of it all. She wiped the tears from her face harshly. "You idiot," she shot at him before actually letting herself engage that filter between her brain and her mouth that most people took for granted. 

But Rafe turned around, obviously intrigued, if not more than a little surprised by her words. "Oh please," he said, sarcasm lacing his tone. "Continue. Don't let me stop you." 

She threw the blanket off of her, fighting to free herself as it tangled around her ankles. "You stupid, stupid, idiot! How…How dare you even… UGH!" Throwing her hands up in frustration, Alison glared at him. "Jamal is not the man I love, ok, Rafe? That is you. Do you at least understand that? I am in love with you. I don't want to go back with Jamal, I don't want you to start pushing me back toward him because you want me to be happy or for any other stupid reason, including your completely screwed up sense of honor and duty that I can only assume you had installed in you at a very early age!" Finally kicking herself free, she swung her legs over the edge of the bed, stalking toward him with hurt in her eyes and fury pouring from every other inch of her. "I know that you can't stay! I mean, my God, half our conversations are either about that or turn into one of us mentioning that very fact! You have to leave soon, so what? Huh? So what? We have like seven days left together! Seven days, Rafe. It's more time than I ever actually thought I'd have with the guy I dreamed about coming to my rescue as a little girl." 

His hazel eyes sparkled, and he crossed his arms across his chest in order to keep himself from touching her. "Come on, princess, we both know that I'm the worst thing in the world for you. I came down here and I turned your life upside down. You and Jamal would have probably lived happily ever after if I hadn't shown up." 

"You want the truth, Angel Boy?" Alison poked him in the chest, pure fury running through her veins. "I probably would have stayed with Jamal had I never met you! Is that what you wanted to hear? Jamal and I would probably be cuddled up right now if not for you showing up down here to save us all from ourselves. But you know what? It would have still be exactly like it always was with him! I would still be with him and wondering if there was something more out there. Staying with him because that's what I was supposed to do while I dreamed of someone else. Is that what you wanted to hear, Rafe? Even without you standing here and real, you were the man that I dreamed about. Before I even knew who the hell you were. I just didn't even realize it until-" 

Wrapping his arms around her waist, Rafe lifted her easily from the floor, his lips pressing to hers and silencing her. Tenderness was forgotten, the gentleness from all their other kisses lost in the desire, smothered by the passion so intense, so hot that both were burning, searching for relief even as they hoped they'd never lose this feeling. Her body was pressed to his, and still she wasn't close enough. He held her tighter, closer, yet wanted and needed her closer still. 

He took her bottom lip between his teeth, nibbling lightly then soothing it with his tongue. The moan that escaped her was damn near primal. And just when he thought he couldn't possibly want her more, that simple little sound proved him oh so very wrong. "Alison," he growled, her name breathless whispered across her cheek, sending a shiver through her as she dug her fingernails none too gently into the back of his neck. Before anything else could be said, their mouths were one again. Exploring, fighting, dancing tongues tried to find contentment, but never got close enough. 

Alison was vaguely aware of their movement, and it wasn't until then that she noticed her feet were once more touching the floor. They continued to move backwards almost unconsciously. Never separating themselves from each other until the back of her knees hit the mattress. "Rafe?" His fingers tightened around her waist as her fingers began working on undoing the buttons on that pesky shirt of his. "I love you." 

"I love you too," he moaned. Blindly he kissed her cheek, her jaw, her lips, her neck. Finally he found that spot behind her ear, grinning as he was once again rewarded with a shiver of desire from her. He kissed her earlobe before whispering, "And I want you, Alison. God, I want you so, so much…" 

She ran her palms from his shoulders, down his warm, toned abs and back again. Sliding off his now unbuttoned shirt, she pulled back just enough to grin proudly as it fell into a green puddle on the floor. Watching his eyes as she once again ran her fingers over him, she smiled softly, her index fingers catching his belt loops and pulling him back to her, as close as their remaining clothing would allow him to be. 

Rafe chuckled, nipping her collar bone as he started to work on her buttons. With the first half of her top undone, he pulled back, locking his eyes with hers as if asking for permission. With a sly grin, he moved quickly, and she had to laugh as she landed with her head on her pillow and him hovering above her. With his weight on his forearm, he once again went off in search of the spot behind her ear, still working on freeing her buttons, and she giggled as his breath tickled her neck. 

Still laughing, she twisted the chain he wore around her fingers and tugged, drawing another chuckle from him as he complied with her silent demand and pressed his lips to hers once more. She could feel his desire for her, his arousal against her thigh, but it didn't surprise her when reality came crashing in again and he broke the kiss. 

"I have to leave, Alison," he sighing, closing his eyes and pressing his forehead to hers. 

"No… No, you don't. Not tonight." 

"Yes, tonight." 

"What?" she asking, panic seeping in and causing her already erratic breathing to quicken. "No! No, Rafe, not tonight!" 

Turning his head, he looked at the clock beside her bed and she followed his gaze. "I'm sorry, Alison. I've got to go." 

He brushed a gentle kiss on her cheek just as the bright red numbers changed to midnight. Then suddenly she was empty. He was gone, and she was left shocked, her heart breaking, her head spinning and longing to just reach out and grab him. 

The lights went out, the room going into the darkness once more, and she blinked, not able to see a single damn thing when she opened her eyes. Sitting up, she looked around, the electricity came back on, and when her eyes landed on the clock a wave of tears hit her hard and fast. The red numbers flashed twelve as she called out his name, then buried her face in her hands and sobbed. "Rafe? Please… Rafe, come back…" 


	44. Chapter 44

  
**Part II: Chapter 44**   


Thunder rolled, and only dimly did it register. Staring at the alarm clock blinking twelve, a groan filled the air. Twice already the electricity had flashed because of the storm, sending the time back to midnight again and again. Though why that was would probably forever remain a mystery. 

What kind of time was midnight anyway? It wasn't really a time at all. Just a place stuck between one day and another. A second when the world was dark and still. Scary and exciting. The minute between the past and the future, just a fraction in time where you had to wonder if it was today, tomorrow or yesterday. And no matter which one you wanted, you were normally forced into another. 

At this rate he'd learn to hate midnight very, _very_ soon. 

Rafe groaned again, throwing the blankets off of him as he swung his legs over the side of the bed and tried to resist the urge to pace some more. Sleep was elusive, and just when he'd almost managed to fall he heard her call out his name. And he'd been wide awake ever since. Something was wrong, she was hurt or upset. 

He could feel her fear in the pit of his stomach. 

It terrified him. 

Their connection was strong. And he'd known that from the very beginning. He felt her, more so than anything he'd ever felt before. His feelings around her couldn't and wouldn't be tamed, and that was scary enough. But this was something different, something he'd never even known could happen. 

He could actually feel her fear, her pain, her anger tearing at his heart, his soul. 

God, this hadn't happened before. Never before. Not with his twin, no matter what people would have liked to think, she was forever a mystery to him. Her feelings threw him for every kind of a loop, and never had he felt her under his skin this way. It had never been this way with Nadia, who was so much like him at times it was a whole other kind of scary. And not with Lucy, his new cousin who could be read like a book. This was new, it was causing his hands to tremble. 

Alison was afraid. No, correct that, she was terrified. And he knew that as well as he knew that he was breathing. 

But he had absolutely no idea what to do about it. 

His forehead rested against the cold glass windowpane before the thought had registered. He shivered at the contact and watched the street below, but for what he didn't know. 

Lightning flashed across the sky, leaving spots dancing in his eyes when darkness once more took over. Rain had started to fall, the streets were slick and he could tell that even from this distance. Thunder once again rumbled, closer this time, louder. And the storm grew nearer. Soon the heavens would seem to open up as rain poured down on this crazy little town, and he'd be even more clueless as to what the hell was going on with her. 

But, dammit, he needed to know. 

Crossing to the phone was an unconscious movement, one that drew him away from the window almost against his will. The simple black cordless phone was in his hand before the thought of the time had registered to him. And when it did, he paused with just one number left to go. Just then, dear old uncle Ed must have decided to send a sign. 

The phone went dead. 

The goddamn phone went dead. And it took every ounce of self-restraint that he had ever possessed to keep from hurling the uncooperative object across the room. Instead of pounding it into the wall, in a way that he knew would relieve at least some of his tension, he set it back into his cradle so gently it was almost scary itself. 

Another look out the window confirmed his early guess as just then the sky seemed to open the dam. Sheets of rain fell hard and fast, as if it was furiously paying back the frozen city below for some unspeakable sin. Even from this distance he could almost feel the sting of it hitting his skin. 

Son of a bitch. 

The angel let out a string of curses just under his breath, hoping not to wake his cousin and be forced to endure her endless questions. If the universe hadn't been playing with him before he had no doubt it was now. 

And if he could get his hands on his favorite uncle at the moment he may end up burning in hell with daddy before you could say, _the ten commandments._

Rafe glared up at the ceiling, before growling under his breath, "Thank God your wife will get you for that since I'm stuck down here." His pacing resumed, just a little quicker as the worry grew. What could be wrong? She was sleeping before he'd even left. He'd locked the door behind him, he'd even turned on the radio since noticing the afternoon before that she seemed to enjoy having it play as she slept. Hell, he'd even tucked her in and kissed her goodnight. 

She should be alright. She should be perfect, content and _sleeping_. 

Swearing again, he ran his hand over his face. "I… I can't do this. I've got to go over there. I've got to see her. She needs me. I know that she needs me. Why am I even still standing in this room." Nodding, he started toward the door of his room. 

Before he could even start to search for his boots, he heard a soft knocking on the door. Even through the thunder and the rain, the light sound rang through out the room. A sigh of relief passed his lips as he knew without a doubt who it was on the other side. And if he _did _have any doubt it was erased as she hit the door harder and called out for him. 

"Rafe? Please, please, please… Rafe?" 

The sound of her open palm slapping against the wood was almost in harmony with her sobs hit him hard. It snapped him from his mini trance as he raced across the room, desperate to see her, to sooth her, to hold her and be held. He swung the door open, and before he had a chance to even think, she had her arms wrapped around his waist. 

"Thank God, thank God… Rafe…" her sobs racked her slender body, and she tried desperately to pull him closer. Her arms tightened around him as she continued to cry, her words growing louder but more incoherent by the second. 

He was lost on what to do but hold her as tight as he could. "Alison… Honey, come on, I'm right here… It's alright, I promise. What's wrong, honey? Tell me what happened?" 

But she simply shook her head against his chest and continued to cry, continued to attempt to draw him nearer to her still. As if all it would take to stop her crying would be to have him close enough, to feel his arms holding her tight enough. "Don't… Rafe, please, don't… I love you. I love you so much…" 

Turning on the lights as she walked through, Lucy was wide awake by the time her eyes found them still standing in the front door. "What's going on in here? What's wrong?" 

Rafe swung his eyes to his cousin and offered only a helpless look. "It's ok, Alison. I'm here, I'm right here. Just tell me what's wrong, honey." He brought his eyes back to the top of Alison's head, and lowered his voice until it was barely even a whisper. "I love you too, honey. You know that I love you too. But I can't make this better unless you tell me what's wrong. I need to know why you're crying, honey so I can try and fix it." 

"Alison?" Lucy asked, trying to get some answers from her since it was clear Rafe had no idea what was happening, and even if it did with Alison in that state he wouldn't answer. "Alison, you're soaking wet. What happened? Come on, just let us know what happened. I think my cousin is itching to play white knight anyway. So… you know, spill it." 

Once more Alison shook her head. Burying her face in the white t-shirt Rafe was wearing. Both she and her angel were completely unaware of the fact that she was actually dripping onto the welcome mat, and he was quickly becoming doused himself. All she knew as that he was here, and she couldn't get him close enough. 

"Well, just so you know, at this rate you're both going to have the worst colds ever." 

A moment later, after more than one baffled look from Lucy, Rafe shook his head. In one swift movement, he had Alison in his arms. He shut the front door with his foot, leaving it to his cousin to lock it. "Can you get a few towels, please, Lucy?" he asked over his shoulder as he carried across the room to sit her in front of the dying fire in the fire place. 

When Rafe released Alison, her cries grew just a little more desperate as she reached for him again. He muttered a curse under his breath for what could possibly be the millionth time that night, and laid his hand down on the wet cotton that covered her knee. "It's alright," he murmured, trying to sooth her but still lost as to how. "I'm right here, honey, I promise you. I'm right here." 

Even as he continued to talk to her, saying things that he could only hope were comforting, he slipped off her unlaced tennis shoes one at a time. Then he slid her coat from her shoulders, hoping not to startle her and trying his best not to let go of her for more than a second. Her pajama top was as wet as her coat, the rain, ice and snow outside had obviously shown no mercy. "Did you drive over here?" 

"Y-Yeah… I-I just… I needed to see you. I'm sorry, Rafe. I just needed you." 

"Hey, hey, hey… No… Alison, no apologies. If you need me then I want you to find me." He tore his eyes away from the woman in front of him only long enough to offer his cousin a slight smile as she handed him two oversized towels. 

Lucy watched in odd fascination as he carefully wrapped one towel around the shoulders of his now shivering love. "Yeah," she added after a moment of silence. "If you need him then you find him! Don't worry about bothering anyone here. And don't apologize. You just… You know, you gotta tell us why in the world you're crying like there is no tomorrow. Did… Did someone hurt you? What happened?" 

"I-I don't… It's stupid," Alison sniffled, trying to force a smile only to have it wobble as tears continued to fall. With the towel pulled around her shoulders, she wrapped her arms around her legs, laying her head on her knees to study her angel at a different angle as he stoked the fire. "I just needed to see you. I- I needed to know that you were still here." 

Swearing again, Rafe's gaze flew to her as the realization hit. "I'm sorry, honey. I'm so, so sorry." He closed his eyes against the site of her crying because of him. Trying to block the image that he knew would stay with him forever. Shaking his head, he sighed. "I never wanted you hurting, Alison. I never wanted to make you cry." 

"What did you do to make her cry, Rafe Kovich?" his cousin demanded. A minute ticked by on the clock on the wall, then another. And it became more than clear that neither of them were ever planning on answering her. When the lights flashed again, she groaned. "Fine, fine, fine, fine." Lucy pouted, then laid a nightgown across the arm of the sofa just a few feet away from them. "Alison, you should probably get out of those clothes. Just stay here for tonight. You don't need to be driving, and I'm guessing you want to cuddle up with my cousin for a while, so I'm going to go back to bed." Shaking her head, she muttered a goodnight and turned off the lights as she went. 

Rafe sighed as he threw another log onto the fire. When it actually started to generate some warmth again, he turned his eyes back to Alison, unhappy to see that she was still crying, though not nearly as much as before. She was still crying because he had to leave, and that was so clear now that he wondered why he hadn't seen it before. This was going to be so much harder a fall than either of them were prepared for. And he was beginning to wonder if it wasn't a bigger fall than either of them could handle. 

"I didn't… I knew it would hurt, Rafe, and I knew that I had to lose you. But I never… I just need some more time. Just a little more time before you have to leave. It's… Not yet, alright? Please, just at least promise that you won't leave before you're supposed to?" 

"I promise. And I promise that I'll say goodbye to you." Groaning, he shook his head. "And I promise you that if I could change things, I would give anything, _anything_, to do that." Before he knew what the hell he was doing, he was wiping away her tears, shifting closer to her to place a soft kiss on her lips. "You gonna stay the rest of the night?" 

Alison nodded, almost as if she was unsure. "I… Y-yes. If you don't mind I mean. I-I'd like to." She was still shivering, and there was little doubt she was freezing. 

Swallowing hard, he pressed his lips to hers again. "I couldn't mind if I wanted to." Sitting back again, he looked down unhappily to find his t-shirt wet, clinging to him. Grasping the hem, he pulled the white material over his head and let it fall next to where he had laid her coat. Grabbing the other towel, he moved again. Both shifted until they decided they were settled, comfortable, and almost close enough. 

As she leaned back against his chest, she sighed almost contently. One of her hands coming to rest on his knee beside her. "Thank you," she whispered. 

"No need to thank me," her angel replied. Pushing her hair back with the towel, he kissed her temple before continuing to attempt to dry her blond locks. "Just don't scare me like that again." He paused for a moment, as if thinking of what he wanted to say. "But always, _always_ come to find me if you need me, Alison. I can't promise I'll always be here, and I can't promise I'll always be able to hold you and let you cry. But I can promise to love you and listen to you. No matter what, honey, I'll hear you." 

Her eyes drifted shut as she nodded against his chest, still letting him try and dry her hair with that towel enough so that they could go to bed. "But while you are here, can you promise to hold me?" 

"Right now, I don't think I'd even be willing to let you out of my site." 

They sat in silence for a moment just enjoying the fact that they were finally able to just hold on for dear life without interruption. For a few hours anyway. And they were both trying their best not to get lost in their thoughts of each other. With a sigh, he sat the towel down in defeat, then shifted them both a little closer to the fire. His hands ran up and down her arms, trying to warm her enough to stop her shivering. 

"You know, you'd get a lot warmer a lot faster if you weren't in wet clothes." 

"I know. But I really don't want to move." 

"Do you know your way around this place? There's a bathroom a few doors down, you can change. I bet you can even find a hairdryer that will actually do some good." 

"Did I mention that I don't want to move?" she sighed. 

"I just don't think it's a good thing if you're shivering this hard this long." 

Shifting so she could look up at him without having to move out of his arms, Alison cocked an eyebrow and let her tone slide into something less tired and more teasing. "I thought you said you didn't want to let me out of your site." 

"I don't," he answered, smiling just slightly. "But I also don't want you getting hypothermia. I don't like hospitals that much, and unless there is someone under the age of ten to coach me through it, I don't stay for long amounts of time." 

"You're telling me I'd have to have Miss Becki Faye in my hospital room with me to get you to come visit?" Alison asked him, biting down on her bottom lip to keep from smiling _and_ to keep her teeth from chattering. He really did have a point… 

"No. In fact, it would be hard to get me out of there. Doesn't mean I'd like being there." Dropping a kiss on the tip of her nose, he couldn't help but grin. "Except for you company of course, that I'll always love and cherish." 

Rolling her eyes, she pulled away from him. "Fine, you win. I'm changing." But just as she stood the lights went out again, allowing her to see his face by just the light of the fire. A sigh passed her lips and she tried to step back only to nearly trip over what she could only assume was one of her shoes. "But now I'll never make it out of here." 

"I won't look?" 

Again, she rolled her eyes. "I never thought you would." She began fumbling with the buttons on her top, her fingers trembling from the cold and making the task more difficult. But she froze when his hands landed on her knees. There wasn't enough light to really see by, but she could see a glow in his eyes as he offered up a small smile. She started to ask what he was doing, but stopped when he applied pressure and it became obvious. He was leading her toward the nightgown. Smart man, he was. Alison stepped where he indicated, never moving from his spot on the floor, and when her hand came in contact with the arm of the couch, and something silky, she offered a muttered thanks and watched as he turned around. 

As per her luck, the lights came on again just as her top had been tossed over on top of her coat, but for her angel's credit, he stayed true to his word and didn't turn around. Though she couldn't help but wonder if he wanted to. With a blush forming, she fought just a little with the pants that didn't want to release her legs. Finally free of her wet clothing, Alison smiled despite the fact that she was nearly naked and very much freezing. "Um, Rafe?" she started. 

Before the thought could be completed though, he was handing her one of the towels behind his back. "You know, Alison, you don't make this easy." 

"Sorry?" Drying off a little better, she picked up the nightgown and slipped it over her head. The thin silk did little to warm her, and she tried not shiver but couldn't seem to stop. "Alright, I'm covered… Sort of." 

Catching site of her, the question that had been on the tip of his tongue was answered. Lucy never quit. With a smile, he shook his head slightly at his cousin when she shivered again inside of the clingy sleeveless silk nightgown. "You know what she's up to don't you?" Rafe asked absently, standing up and taking a step toward her. 

"Yeah… But it's soft. And dry." 

_Soft_. Ok, he should probably take her word on that, but he really, _really _didn't want to. Before he could stop himself though, a smile was on his lips, and his hands were on her hips. He kissed her again softly, almost surprised when she pulled away. 

"I-It's… It's really beautiful, don't you think? I mean, it's totally not my color or anything, but it's pretty. I used to love nightgowns like this but my Nana would laugh and tell me I wasn't old enough for them. I-I don't really know-" 

He cut her off with another kiss, then grinned at her silence when he pulled back. "_You_ are beautiful, Alison. No matter what you're wearing." Stepping back, he reluctantly dropped his hands from one of their favorite resting spots. Shaking his head slightly, almost as if hoping to clear away the dangerous thoughts of her, he walked over to the closet. He pulled down and extra blanket, very aware of the fact that she was watching him from the place where her feet had rooted themselves to the ground. 

Rafe flipped off the light above them, but it was flickering anyway, then unfolded the blanket as he walked back to her. Somehow he managed to wrap it around them both, and by some miracle they'd managed to set back in front of the fire without her having to move from his arms for even a second. 

She was leaning against his chest, wrapped in his arms and a blanket in front of the fire. Little flashes of memories came to her then, just tiny drops of feelings that she wanted to be real. The burning, his hands on her, the way his skin felt under her fingertips. But with them came the rest, the dream that she knew would haunt her, the one that felt so real it had taken her nearly fifteen minutes to realize it might have been a dream. The sinking hit her hard, followed by the loss, the emptiness, her heart dropping and then shattering. Again she shivered, but this time it wasn't from the cold. Her fingers circled his wrists, holding his arms to her lightly. Then she turned her head to capture his lips. "Thank you." 

"Don't-" His lips pressed against her temple, and she could almost feel his smile. "Let's get you warmed up, then we'll go to bed, alright?" 

Kissing him again, relief flooded through her. He was here, she was in his arms. Everything was alright. No, it was way better than alright. "Works for me," Alison sighed when he pulled his lips from hers. "As long as I know that you're still here, it works for me." The small hint of a smile graced her lips, and when the electricity went out again, neither of them noticed. They had the fire. 


	45. Chapter 45

  
**Part II: Chapter 45**   


Their morning consisted of nothing more than moments, little specks in time when consciousness took over. Just brief flashes of feelings before they shifted and surrendered to their bodies need for rest. 

Sunlight was warm as it streamed through the window and assaulted her still way too tired eyes when she tried for a moment to blink them open. The sunlight was warm, but not as warm as his skin. After an internal debate that lasted about two tenths of a second, she closed her eyes and rolled over, deciding that she wasn't ready to leave this bed anytime soon. 

Resting her head on his shoulder, Alison sighed softly and dropped back into sleep before she could think of anything but how nice this was. How much she loved having him near her whenever she wanted to awaken. 

Voices pricked at his senses and woke him much later, soft spoken and unable to control their giggling. He offered a small smile and a halfhearted wave to his cousin and Livvie when he opened his eyes to see them peeking through the door of the bedroom. They shut it again quickly though, and thankfully silently so that it didn't wake her. He turned his head to place a kiss on the blonde hair of the woman in his arms. With another smile, he closed his eyes again, deducting that twenty minutes more wouldn't do any harm. 

She was surprised to awaken to the friction of her hand sliding across his bare chest. The sun on her back, the blankets a tangled mess around their waists. But when her palm settled above his heart, she didn't have the strength to fight the drowsiness any longer. 

Her hair was brushing his chest lightly, tickling him into opening his eyes. A smile graced his lips as his eyes settled on her, and he pushed her hair away, loosing his hand in the hopeless wavy tangles she was going to have to deal with for not blow drying her hair. 

His breathing was deep, even, and her hand rose and fell in rhythm with it. She brushed a kiss on his collarbone before settling her face back into the crook of his neck and matching her own breathing with his. 

Rafe groaned, a lack of contact between his skin and hers bringing him back into the real world. Turning his head he found her laying on her side. Without thought, he rolled over to his side as well, spooning her against him. He wrapped his arm around her waist before satisfied that she was close enough for him to fall back into a restful sleep. 

The sensation of the silk nightgown sliding across her stomach drew her from her rest. A lazy smiled formed on her lips and she covered his hand with hers. "I love you," Alison whispered before falling back to sleep with his breath causing the delicate strands of hair at the base of her neck to dance feather light across her skin. 

His own movement startled him awake, laying on his back, he let out another sigh. The clock beside the bed was nowhere near right, so he didn't bother to look at the time. Before he could contemplate getting up, she turned over in her sleep, curling into him. Tangling his fingers in her hair again, he joined her back in dreamland. 

The scent of him hung around her, and she wondered if she might smell like him as well. Though had she really been awake Alison would have realized she was almost giddy at the idea that it was possible. She loved the way he smelled. Burying her face in the crook of his neck again, she smiled as she drifted off once more. 

A shadow fell over them, and he groaned and shook his head. "Go away, Luce," he whispered, not bothering to open his eyes and he turned onto his side and pulled Alison a little closer to him. Absently, he heard something drop onto the floor around the foot of the bed, but he was far too content to pay much attention. 

"Just making sure you were both still breathing," his cousin replied, slipping out of the room silently. No doubt she was grinning almost as much as he was. 

Alison smiled as she felt his lips brush her shoulder. She could get used to waking up like this. Keeping her eyes closed, she turned her head to look at him. "Morning." 

"Afternoon, actually," he replied with a grin. Propping his head up onto his elbow, his smiled widened when she looked up at him curiously. 

"Afternoon?" 

Nodding, Rafe stifled a yawn, rubbing his eyes tiredly. "It's almost three." 

"We slept that long?" 

"I still don't want to get out of this bed." 

Grinning at his admission, she folded her hands together on the pillow. Absently she wondered when she ended up on her stomach, but she decided to let it go. "Who said we had to get out of this bed?" Alison asked, resting her cheek on her hands. 

"Lucy has been in a couple of times already. Once supposedly to see if we were still breathing. She had Livvie with her the other time. At least, I think it was just Livvie." 

Alison closed her eyes, then opened them again quickly. "I don't care." 

"Alright." He kissed her temple, then sighed and sat up. "We've still got to get up." 

"Why?" 

Rafe stared at her for a few minutes before sighing in defeat and leaning back against the headboard. "I have no idea why. Something in my blood more than likely, or the way I was raised? It just doesn't seem right to spend all day in bed." 

"You know," she chuckled. "If you weren't such an angel I could change your mind on that if you'd just let me. Destiny wouldn't-" Alison broke off the thought, remember his words from the night before. "It doesn't matter, Rafe, people can talk all they want. For all I care Lucy could have brought in morning news! I'm comfy, and I like having you close. So there is very little reason for me to move from this bed." 

"Yeah, I know." Rafe pushed her hair away from her face, his smile just a little too bittersweet for this moment. "It's just… I don't think this is something you want getting back to everyone that you've ever met. Or dated." The last words were said so quietly, she almost didn't hear them, even from no more than four inches away from him. 

But she did hear them, and she sighed sadly. "Rafe, I really don't want to have this discussion again. I thought I told you last night-" 

"Actually," he interrupted, pushing her hair away from her face so he could see her expression better as he quickly switched the direction their conversation was heading. "You haven't told me anything about last night. You've changed the topic at every turn and done your very best to avoid answering what happened. So why don't you tell me, Alison? I think that I need to know." 

Shaking her head was next to impossible while laying down facing him, so she gave into her fate and answered her angel. "It was… It was nothing, Rafe. It was just a dream." 

"Must have been some dream," Rafe murmured, his voice urging her to continue but his words refusing to push. He was walking a thin line, and had he not been all too happy to wake up holding her, he might have called her on it. Or called himself on it. 

"Y-Yeah. It was. I guess." 

"You guess? Alison, you drove over here in the middle of a storm. You were drenched, it will be a miracle if you don't get sick because it was well below freezing out there. This… Alison, you were terrified, you were… You were destroyed, honey, and if I can keep that from happening again then I'll do whatever it takes." 

"Why do you think I'm not telling you what the dream was, then, Rafe?" Unhappily, she pushed herself up, sitting on her knees, she touched his face. "I was destroyed, Rafe, I was hanging on by a thread and you managed to pull me back. That's all that matters. And I know that you won't always be able to be here to pull me back like that… It's not the first time I've been crushed, and it's not going to be the last, it's just the most… real dream I've ever had. I can still feel it, like it really happened." 

"Feel what?" 

"You leaving me." 

Snaking his arm around her waist, Rafe pulled her to him, chest to chest, and held her close. His lips brushed hers, then her cheek, before his eyes met hers again. "I wish I could tell you that will never happen, Alison, but we both know that I can't lie to you." 

"Yeah… You're really bad at that." 

Unable to stop himself when she started giggling, he chuckled, then found her lips with his again for an all too brief second. "I don't think I want to be good at it." 

"I know that I don't want you to be good at it. So I think it's all gonna be ok." 

Closing his eyes, he tried to push back the knowledge that she was wrong, attempted to force the thoughts of the ticking clock away from his mind. How could anything be ok when he wasn't able to hold her? "You should probably know, Alison, this has to have been… the best morning… ever." 

Laughing again, she ran her thumb across his dimpled cheek. "Have I mentioned yet that I love you very, very, _very_ much, Rafe Kovich?" 

"Does it matter? That's something I'll never get tired of hearing." Kissing her again, he couldn't help but smile. "I love you too, you know. Very, very, _very, very_, much." 

"Surely you don't imply that you love me more than I love you," she scoffed jokingly. "Because I feel I must warn you, I don't think that's at all possible." 

With a smile, he replied, "Then I assure you, your thoughts are very wrong." 

_"My bounty is as boundless as the sea   
My love as deep; the more I give to thee   
The more I have, for both are infinite."_

"That's cheating!" 

"Nope," she grinned. 

"Yup! Quoting Shakespeare has to be against some sort of rule…" 

"There are rules?" 

"Lots of them. Millions in fact." 

"Have we paid attention to any of these rules?" 

"I don't think so… In fact, I'm pretty sure we've broken every single one." 

"Well," Alison giggled. "You did say I was going to be big, big trouble." 

"And I'm sticking to that. But I also said you were worth it." 

"Changing your mind?" 

"Not a chance," Rafe answered, grinned as his lips found hers once more. 


	46. Chapter 46

  
**Part II: Chapter 46**   


She shivered from the cold walking slowly to avoid slipping on the ice again. With an almost unhappy huff, she pulled her coat tighter around her and wondered why in the world she'd decided to wear a sleeveless shirt when it was all of five degrees out here. Not factoring in the wind chill. 

The sun was starting to lower, just dropping the temperature more. It wasn't even dinner time yet and already she'd bruised her butt falling down, fought with Jack, ran all over town twice, and lost the keys for her car. But it wasn't all bad. 

Her best friend and the resident angel were making progress all on their own, making the job she, Lucy and Valerie had decided to take a dozen times easier. And the look of utter bliss they both wore while sleeping and holding each other this morning was enough to bring a smile to her face just thinking about it. 

It was also enough to strengthen their resolve. 

Which was why she was trudging through seemingly endless sludge that salt, sand and traffic has turned the once beautiful, white, clean snow into. The icicles that had once been her toes were what informed her that wearing her new suede shoes had been a bad idea. Something told her the boots weren't going to survive their adventures today. 

Spotting the woman that should be preparing to marry her father on the sidewalk outside the Recovery Room, she unfolded her arms and called out for her to wait. Waving, she quickened her steps just slightly and tried not to look flabbergasted that even in a dress that didn't even hit her knees, she showed no signs of being cold. 

She made a mental note to ask her for a ride home later. 

"Livvie, oh my goodness! What in the world happened to you?" 

"Long story. It hasn't been as great a day as it started out being." Sighing, she shook her head, dismissing the topic. "You're early aren't you?" 

"No… Actually, I'm kind of a little itty bit late." 

Livvie looked at her watch and groaned. "Perfect, it's dead. Come on, let's go inside. I'm freezing." 

"Yeah, yeah, of course. I'm starving and we've got a lot of plans to make and not much time to make things happen." 

Opening the door for the older woman, Livvie blinked as her words registered a few seconds later. Unfortunately, she released the door a little too soon in her shock, causing the thick piece of wood to hit her already sore behind painfully hard. "Ow," she muttered weakly to herself, finally moving to sit at the table with Lucy. "W-What do you mean we don't have much time?" she asked in what she hoped was a nonchalant tone as she slipped out of her still damp coat. 

"Well, my cousin insists that he has to leave soon. He refuses to tell me why though. Of course, I think he's probably afraid of getting hurt, or just used to being on his own, I don't know. I mean, I don't guess it really matters anyway, we've just got to give him a harmless, helpful little shove in the direction he wants to go anyway to change his mind. Because I know my cousin better than he thinks, he doesn't want to go. So, why not let Alison give him a really big, really great reason to stay?" 

"It may not be that simple, you know," Val said, stepping up to the table. "I mean, I don't know him that well at all, but he really seems like the Martyr type. You know, giving up what he wants for what he thinks is best for her, or what he thinks she wants. It's almost sweet really, but totally aggravating at the same time." 

"I went through that phase with Jack… What is it with men in this town and a white knight complex?" Livvie turned her eyes back to Lucy. "Anyway, that fits Rafe perfectly. He's definitely the Martyr type." 

"Well… I didn't say it would be easy! I never, ever once claimed that at all." 

"Well, I'm in if you need me either way." Valerie shrugged her shoulders and tapped her favorite blue Bic ballpoint pen on the order pan in her other hand. "You guys want to order something to fuel your brains while you plot and fill me in?" 

Just then, the aroma of her favorite restaurant hit her hard and made her realize with a start that she was famished. "I want a double bacon cheeseburger with mayo, no onions, large fries and a diet Coke. No, wait, make that a chocolate shake." Turning to Lucy again, she shrugged. "I think I earned it." 

"I… You know what, I'll have the same, Val, thanks. But can you start us off with some hot chocolate? It's cold outside and we need to warm up. Oh, when's your break?" 

"About half an hour away. I'll go give your order to Victor and get your hot chocolate." 

"Thanks," they said in unison as Valerie started toward the kitchen. 

Livvie rubbed her hands together to try and warm them. "So, were the love birds still in bed when you left?" 

"Yes," Lucy nearly squealed. "And they looked so cute all cuddled up together and in love!" Even as she spoke she couldn't keep from beaming for her cousin. "But that was a few hours ago, so they may have gotten up since then." 

"Not that either of them would want that." 

"Not that either of them would admit _that_." 

They both sighed, disappointed by the thought and curious of what had really happened. "Anyway," Livvie said to break the silence. "Are we still doing dinner at The Grille?" 

"Yes, yes, yes! I've got reservations and a dress and everything." Lucy grabbed Valerie's wrist as she sat down their hot drinks. "Hey, are you working tomorrow? Because you are more than welcome to come along. We may need the help." 

"Thanks," Val smiled. "But I do have to work. It's been crazy around here. But don't tell Alison that, alright? Knowing her she'll come in and set back the plan you've got going." 

"Oh, ok. Well for the hot chocolate. I do wish you could make it though." 

"Thanks for including me. I've got to get back to work." 

Wrapping her fingers around her mug of hot chocolate, she let the heat nearly burn her. "Jack is still being an ass over the whole thing though, so he can't know the idea is to push Rafe and Alison together or he'll ruin it because he refuses to believe she and Jamal could grow apart. He thinks I'm forgetting that Jamal is my friend too." 

"Jamal and Valerie?" 

"It'll never work. She'd feel like his second choice. I was thinking more along the lines of… You and my dad." 

"Well… ok… But only as an excuse!" 

"Cross my heart," she answered with a smile just a little too wide. "I won't do any matchmaking. I'm not a matchmaker! I just give harmless, helpful little shoves when needed. Not that you and my father need one. You two always come back together." 

Lucy tapped her fingernails impatiently on the table, not bothering to hide the suspicion in her look. "I don't think we're here to talk about me and your father…" 

"Alright," she sighed, deciding it would be best to let it slide. "I just don't know what we're supposed to do at this dinner that's going to push Rafe and Alison together. Have you thought about that? Because I'm thinking it's almost like meeting the family, you know? A little bit uncomfortable around the dinner table. We don't want anything to put a damper on things." 

"Like your boyfriend shooting dirty looks across the table?" 

"Yes. Like my boyfriend shooting dirty looks across the table, or you grilling Alison in that way that you do without even really realizing it sometimes. You know her, you like her, remember that will you?" 

"Of course! Of course. I know her, I like her. That's why I think she'd be perfect for my dear, dear sweet cousin." 

Valerie smiled a little uncomfortable herself, while balancing a tray and trying to sit down their food in front of them. "Why can't it just be fate that they're perfect for each other?" she asked, still smiling. "Because they just don't get more perfectly matched than those two. Well, and they can't stop smiling around each other." 

"Or when they're thinking about each other," Livvie added. "Do you need some help with that, Val?" 

"No, no, it's alright. I've got it." Her smile was a little apologetic as she tried to speed up the process of unloading the tray in her hand. "So, you still thinking about the hooker, Lucy?" 

"Yeah. It's right there, I just need to reach out and grab it!" 

Walking toward them slowly, she pulled off the leather jacket she'd worn under her coat that was ten sizes too big and still smelled like him. She wanted to smell like him. With a sigh, she continued on her way to the table, knowing she had to follow through now. 

"I don't know what you're planning, but count me in." Alison chirped, sitting at the free chair and snatching a fry from the plate in front of Livvie. 

All three jaws dropped, but one of the girls dropped more than that. "Oh my God! Livvie I am so, so sorry," Valerie cried as she grabbed for some napkins, handing them to the girl that was now wearing her chocolate shake. 

Lucy's eyes widened as Livvie tried to rid her white shirt of chocolate. "I've got it!" 

"Good," Alison said as she nodded, taking another fry from her friend's plate. "Tell me all about it. Because Rafe is being way too difficult to deal with on my own. I want in." 


	47. Chapter 47

  
**Part II: Chapter 47**   


There had always been something about the night that he loved. Tonight was no exception, despite the storm the night before, the sky was cloudless, stars shining brightly as if smiling upon the world that had been brutalized by the ice and rain less than twenty-four hours before. Snow crunched under his boots, and he practically floated across any ice that may have been in his path. Tonight was great, tonight was going to be perfect. 

He just had to get to Alison. His love, his heart, the woman that he had woken up with this morning loving even more than he did when he held her while she fell asleep the night before. Two more blocks and he'd be at The Recovery Room, she was waiting there having gone ahead to grab another change of clothes before they had dinner. And he, of course, had a few details to check up on. 

But not anymore, work was done for the day, he'd done all he could do. Tonight was going to be their's again. He was going to get to spend the night holding her, sleeping next to her. And it was enough to put an extra little bounce in his step. Tonight they were going to let the world just slip away. 

They were going to let themselves get lost, pretending there wasn't a deadline in front of them, staring them down and daring them to challenge it. A big red letter day on the calendar that said _heartache_ wasn't going to matter tonight. They'd promised each other not to think about it, to just be happy like they both knew that they could be. 

Everything would be alright tonight, while they were together and the world and reality, as strange and twisted as it's humor was, faded away from them. Nothing was going to enter their thoughts but each other. No Jamal, no return date, no meddling cousins and best friends, no bad dreams, no sadness. Nothing. 

Tonight was just about them spending as much time together as they could before he was yanked away from his soul. 

It was heartbreaking to think of it that way. Left him nearly breathless with the sudden knock of real life that had blindsided him. Stopping for a moment, Rafe let out a breath slowly. This was going to be harder than they had planned. 

But he knew that already, he had known that. The hardest part of all was going to be being with her and not _being with her_. Sometimes he wondered if it was such a good thing that he try to keep his distance in one way when he'd given up hope of keeping away in all other aspects of their relationship. 

Their relationship. He shook his head slightly at the thought, continuing on his way before he could ponder the possibilities further. Right now he was content to know that they _had_ a relationship. Right now he was just thrilled to know that she knew that he loved her, and overjoyed with the knowledge that she felt the same way. Nothing could compare to this feeling, nothing every had and he doubted anything ever would. 

There'd always been a rush in the fight, the fright, the life he'd led had kept him sane with the adrenaline rush that a Kovich came to crave at times. His training had taught him to think of it as a game, a dangerous, dark and twisted game, but still just a game. And he loved to win. Loved it more than almost anything. 

But it was nothing next to this. The high he'd always gotten from the chase, the fight, the victory, it was nothing next to what he felt now. It was a lasting high, the one that Ela had spent years in parties in search of. Nadia has told him once, when she quit after years of loving what they did, that it wasn't better than being in love. 

Finally, he understood what she meant. He'd always known she'd made the right choice—in her profession anyway—but not once did he believe her when she said loving someone that loved you was better. If he could call her right now he'd tell her how very, very right she was. And how unbelievable wrong he had been. 

Because he was in love, and he never wanted to be out again. He was wearing a stupid grin all the time, unable to pull himself down from the cloud he was on. Happiness was a funny thing. 

"It's funnier that you're happy." 

With a sigh, he turned, knowing the voice that had spoken to him. "You always were amused by the strangest things." 

"Rafe, now is that anyway to greet me?" 

Shaking his head, Rafe didn't bother hiding his distaste for the man before him. "Better than with my fist, or a stake, or, oh, maybe another needle!" 

"You always were cranky when you were forced back to facing reality." 

"What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be burning in hell?" 

"Aren't you supposed to be up on your little cloud playing a harp with a halo and wings?" With a grin that held just a little too much wickedness to be as soothing as he no doubt hoped it would be. "I'm here for you, my boy." 

"I'm not interested," Rafe replied, a touch of boredom added to his voice for good measure. "Go back where you came from, James, because if you don't I'll send you there." 

"You know, it's always baffled me why you thought, and think really, that you are stronger than I am." 

"Doesn't good always win over evil?" 

"Maybe occasionally, but I'm out to change that. Good is overrated, Rafe, you should know that by now, good isn't getting you more time with your little Alison…" 

Before another word could be said, before another thought could enter either mind James was against the brink of a building behind him, Rafe's forearm pressed against his throat. "If you have a single brain cell left now would be the time to activate it, because if you so much as think about saying her name again…" 

"You'll what," James croaked. "We're both already dead." 

"True," the angel smiled. "But I've been trained to deal with creatures of evil like you." 

"I only wanted to… talk…" 

Releasing him, Rafe stepped back with a groan. "Then say what you feel you must and leave, because I think it was made clear years ago that yours is a face I never wanted to have to lay eyes on again." 

"How can you say that?" 

"How can I not? After all you've done… You don't deserve my time, go back to hell and stay there this time would you? All that needed to be said between us was said before Caleb and I had our little run in. You've never deserved anything less than contempt." 

With an all too smug smile, James rocked on his heels. "I'm proud of you, boy, you've got hatred in your heart! A few more steps and there can be darkness there… Or is there already darkness in your heart, Rafe? Does it ever bother you that you killed me? You ended my life, and for no other reason than to save a complete stranger." 

"Elso jön családom," he shrugged. "I saved a stranger that was actually worthy of life, that wouldn't waste it away doing the deeds of evil. Besides, you wanted to kill my cousin, for no other reason than because your boss thought the woman might be a threat to him. You know how it goes, elso jön családom." 

"And what am I, my boy? Chopped liver?" 

"Just consider yourself disowned." 

"You know… Your argument really means nothing! Caleb learned earlier that women are the worst kind of threat. At least he didn't love her… He loved your other cousin. Now she was a threat to his life… And I would know that better than anyone." 

"Nadia was trained, Lucy stumbled into a mess while trying to protect the people around her from his evil, it's the way of the real Kovich. It's in the blood." 

"If I'm not a Kovich then certainly that means you aren't… Isn't my blood your blood?" 

Rafe gave a bitter laugh, shaking his head. "You've never had blood. Just ice running through your veins. Ice and hatred to keep you alive." Turning, he started to walk away, calling over his shoulder, "Vagyunk megtett itt!" 

"No, no," James called back to him, refusing to move a step. "We are _not_ done here. Now, come back before I have to find… Your lovely little friend, and have this talk with her, I'm sure she'd be more than interested in listening to me." Smiling with satisfaction when Rafe froze, he continued. "Especially when I tell her about our connection." 

"You wouldn't dare," Rafe growled, not turning around for fear of what he may do. 

"Come now, _Rafie_, you know me better than that. I'll tell the beautiful girl you shared your bed with last night… I'll go where you are forbidden, to your sister, to your other cousin, I'll tell them all you're giving up by not answering me, how it's all their fault that you are the walking dead while they continue on with their happy little lives… Now, come back here and listen to me before I lose my temper and do something you may regret." 

He crossed back quickly, no more than three steps and he was standing dangerously close to a man that had oftentimes been more evil than those he was fighting against in his life. And now, with clenched fists, and narrowed eyes, his mind swam with ways to hurt him the way that he'd hurt so many others. "You go near any of them…" 

"Did you know that Ela has two lovely little girls? I never harmed them, you see, I couldn't do such a thing to my own blood. Unlike you, good old uncle Rafe, the reason they know nothing of their family!" 

"Milyen… csinál… ön… akar!" 

"I'm almost surprised you remember that, son, after spending so much time up there with _your_ uncle, the meddling fool. Always out to undo everything that I taught! Always wanting to out do everything I'd done… But that really isn't your concern. I'm here for you, son, I only want to ensure your happiness, to clear the air between us." 

"You want to offer me a deal." 

"It's a good deal, really, you're getting far more than you'd have to give." 

"Wait, wait, let me guess, Alison for my soul?" 

"You always were a quick one, Rafe. Your cousin could go on for hours, but I always knew you were the bright one of the bunch. You do know who you get that from, don't you? It's always been very, very clear to me." 

"Must have been from my mother. My father obviously isn't smart enough to realize that I'm not taking the deal and it's a waste of time. Anything else you feel the need to share with me tonight? Because I'm running late and I'd like to see Alison soon." 

"ÉN tudna ad ön élet újra, Rafe." James smiled again as the angel stilled. "The thing you want most, the thing every part of your heart desires, what your soul _aches_ for… The very thing that your hero uncle and all his goodness can't give you, I can. I can give you life again, my boy. To… make up for my part in your untimely demise." 

Rafe closed his eyes, forcing back the flashes of Alison, of Destiny and babies and all that could be away from his mind. "No. Not, a chance. I won't give my soul to you. If I didn't do it during my childhood, during training or anytime during my life, why would I do it now? Don't use Alison to get what you want, one up on your big brother, because it's not going to happen. It will _never_ happen. Elso jön családom." 

"Elso jön családom. That's what I'm doing here. Putting my family first." 

"You're putting yourself first! Just like you always have! Ed is dead because you screwed up. Your own mother is dead because you ran scared! My mother is dead because you were too much of a damn coward to live like you taught me! You put yourself first, saved your worthless existence, and then stood there and watched while Caleb murdered your wife, _my mother_, and nearly killed your own daughter and her unborn children. Your grandchildren, the ones you say you never harmed? Those beautiful little girls that almost didn't live because you pointed Caleb in their direction to save yourself. You've never been any kind of a man, and the last thing you've ever done is put someone else first! Don't pretend you're doing this for me, because we both know it couldn't be further from the truth, _Father_." 

Translations for the chapter

http://angelgazing.0catch.com/falling/47t.htm 


	48. Chapter 48

  
**Part II: Chapter 48**   


"Come now, Rafe, there's no need for your temper. I'm here to help you, my boy. To… right a few of my wrongs against you. Why else would it be me?" 

"Because hell has a wicked sense of humor," he muttered, thrusting his clenched fists into his pockets to avoid striking. "That's how the elders amuse themselves. Throwing me here, giving me everything I've ever wanted and flashing it in front of me that I have to give it up before I can even have it. I'm sure they're getting the biggest kick of all out of _you_ being to one to offer me the deal." 

"You say that like you knew it was coming." 

"I did. You should realize by now that very few things take me by surprise."< p>"Oh, but Caleb did, didn't he?" 

"And who do I have to thank for that?" Rafe asked, offering a half a smile to the irony. 

"Ela? She never did listen well, you know." 

"See? You don't surprise me." Shrugging his shoulders, he realized with a start that he wasn't as angry anymore. There was just this almost overwhelming sense of disappointment. "You've never tried to apologize for what you've done, never felt regret like any decent soul would. You went on with your happy, twisted little life completely ignoring the fact that your wife would be alive if not for you. The woman who did nothing but keep her vows to you, who raised your children, your niece even, and smiled when it killed her to see us walk out that door. She stood by you and she loved you and you sold her out, you sold us all out, to save yourself a while longer." 

"Uk anya volt semi." 

Rafe shook his head, still amazed by the reasoning of his father. "You… You are the one that was nothing. You're the one that _is_ nothing. My mother… She was everything." 

"What did she ever do for you?" James asked, looking at the angel with mild surprise. "She babied your little sister like she was the greatest thing to walk to earth… She completely ignored the two of us whenever possible. You and I both know that there were times she couldn't stand the site of you!" 

"Ela felt shunned because of you, because you pushed her aside trying to protect her from the life a Kovich is supposed to lead. The one right thing you've ever done, Feltalál. Anya had to baby her, Ela was sick, she needed help and our mother knew the right thing to do. She knew to give her the love and attention she needed while you were pushing her away, blowing her off and wishing deep down inside that she'd always look at you with hero-worship in her eyes. Tell me, did it at least hurt when that light for you dimmed? When she saw you for what you really are? Nothing but a selfish man." 

"Every man has flaws, my boy. Didn't you yourself just say that no one is perfect?" 

Bitter laughter rang through the clear, crisp night air as Rafe leaned back against the building he'd shoved his father to only minutes before. "No one is perfect, but at least most people have a sense of good in them. You gave up the one person you ever may have actually loved, and almost cost her the children she was carrying, the two innocent lives that she loved more than anything. You did that to save yourself. Do you even realize what would have happened if Caleb had succeeded? Did you ever stop and think what it would do to your baby girl if she lost _her_ babies?" 

"I had complete faith in you to save them all." 

"You didn't hesitate a second before telling him where they were hidden. You didn't think of me trying to save them. You didn't think of them, of your wife, of Nadia… None of it! You just thought it would be better to reign in hell than serve in heaven. What's it like now, James? Was it worth your soul to serve on earth and then in hell?" 

James smiled again, his smugness returning as his son's efforts to leave ceased. "A soul is a funny thing, Rafe. See, it's really not anything at all. You don't use your soul… Lord knows I never used mine during my life, but now… Oh, now, my boy, I feel more powerful, more alive than I ever had before. And I can give that to you." 

"I don't want power. I've never been the one that dreamed of it." 

"Oh, but you want to feel alive, don't you?" 

Rafe smirked, crossing his arms in front of himself, he lifted his shoulder in a shrug. "I have felt more alive in the past few days than ever before." 

"I know. And I know that I can make that feeling last forever. _You_ know that I can." 

"I'd rather know what I have thank you. I can only appreciate the joy because I know sadness. The highs aren't as high without the lows. Nevetés ideiglenes tákolmány nem értelem amíg önnek van sírt. I know that I have this feeling, and I know how special it is. And I know that I have my soul, and that's not nothing." 

"And if nothing else, you've got Alison for… how many more days is it now before you're snatched back up to heaven to rest on a cloud and either wish for your life or her death. Tell me, son, which would you chose? Oh, never mind. Why bother thinking about it? I can give you life now. The only deadline you'll have is many, many years away. When I have more grandchildren, great grandchildren… When you and Alison have great grandchildren… Maybe after that if you're careful. Don't you owe it to that beautiful little girl you could have to at least consider my offer?" 

Rafe shook his head again, a bitter, reflective smile gracing his lips for a second before it slipped back to hide behind a mask of indifference. "Still using women to get what you want, I see. Some things are never going to change are they? You're always going to be vile, useless, and, obviously, completely clueless about your children. I'm not going to take the deal because you throw Alison's name around with a lot of empty promises. And Alison wouldn't want me to sell my soul to you anyway." 

"Oh, Rafe," James said, an exasperated sigh added for good measure. "I am far from clueless about you, my boy. I know everything there is to know about you. I know that the women around you will always be your weakness. I know that you dream of a life, of children and little Miss Barrington as your wife. I know that how much you want her is etched into your soul, I mean, really, you might as well just have flashing neon letters! You wanted me to offer you this deal, Rafe, and I know that as surely as I know that selling my soul was the best thing I've ever done. I know that you told her, you promised, you swore to her that if you could change things and stay with her you would." 

"Not this." 

"Last time I checked it fell under the category of anything…" 

Casting his eyes downward, Rafe pulled his hands from his pockets to stretch them out before him. Clenching and unclenching his fists, he focused on the feeling of the cold against his exposed skin, a feeling he'd lost for so long. "You want to give me a life with Alison, Destiny and the rest of the bunch… The sensations and emotions, the love and the sheer happiness… And all you want is my soul, huh?" 

"Just one tiny soul for decades of happiness. Of little blonde children with their mother's smile and their father's eyes running around, growing up, having children of their own. All the time you want to fix what was wrong between you and your sister, to get to know your nieces, to try and see if you can't talk Nadia out of the funk your death put her in so she can move on and love a man like she loved him. So she can have the children that should have been hers in the first place. You can have your Destiny, Rafe, and you can give all the women you've ever loved theirs in return. Wouldn't you say that was well worth the price?" 

He swallowed hard, his eyes focus on the frozen ground as he mentally forced back the tears that were threatening to make themselves known. Everything. He could have everything, all he had to do was sign his name on the dotted line he knew could appear in an instant. Rafe groaned, dropping his head further. "No, no, no, no, no. I won't do it." 

With an impatient huff, James asked, "Why not?" 

"Because my soul isn't nothing!" Rafe replied, his voice a little louder than he'd meant. 

"So you're saying that Alison is nothing? That all those promises you made her were nothing? That your twin sister and your cousins mean nothing to you? The nieces you've never met? The children you've never had? They mean nothing to you! Not enough to give your soul for. And yet, you call me selfish for the choices I've made?" 

"It is not the same thing," he growled, his voice ringing with the threat of an attack barely being held at bay. His fists went back into his pockets, and he's eyes burned a hole into the evil soul standing before him with the fire of a passion he'd never fully felt before. "Alison is _not_ nothing. If you even attempt to insinuate that again, you will regret it." 

"You know," James said somewhat softly, the corners of his mouth turning up in a smile that held the tiniest bit of warmth. "You're uncle was right about one thing, I am proud of you. I always have been, but never more so than right now." 

"I don't want your pride. I don't want your pity. I don't want your twisted version of the past. And I sure as hell don't want your goddamned deal." Taking a deep breath he released it slowly before continuing. "Are we clear now, James? Do you feel like you've said what you felt you needed to say? I'm not taking the deal." 

"Because you're a coward, Rafe! You always were a coward. You're too scared to give up what your good old uncle Ed said was good and right. He's wrong, Rafe! And you're just too afraid to admit it. You always were afraid to admit that you were wrong! Always wanting the easy way out…" 

"That is bullshit and we both know it!" he shouted finally, pushing himself away from the building with enough force to force his father back a step before he'd touched him. His hands went back to his pockets, and he firmed his resolve not to hit the demon before him. "_You_ were the coward, you _are_ the coward! You turned tail and ran whenever things got rough and obviously that hasn't changed over the years. And we both know that me turning down that deal with you dangling a carrot of my hopes in front of my face is far from easy. This isn't about you or Ed or who is right. This is about me _knowing_ that to sell my soul would be to turn my back on everything that I know is right. This is about me not screwing up because you want to get one up on your big brother! This is about me making the right choice for the right reasons! It is _not_ about Alison being nothing, or my feelings for her not being strong enough. It's not about broken promises or broken hearts. In fact, you wanna know what this is, _Feltalál_? It's about me not being you." 

"You know," James said, his voice dropping to an unhappy grumble. "If not for the fact that you're my son, and I do care about you, I'd get immense joy in telling you that you just passed up the best offer you'll ever get. You don't realize what you're turning down yet, Rafe, but you will. Oh, yes, you will realize it. Maybe not right now, but when you walk into the restaurant where your love is waiting and see her beaming at you, so thrilled to see you, then you'll feel the first little stab of doubt in your heart. And when you're cuddled so close tonight that you don't know where you end and she begins, then you'll wonder. And before you're time is up, Rafe, you'll want this deal so bad you can taste it. You'll want to stay with her more than you have ever wanted anything!" 

"I already do want to stay with her more than I have ever wanted anything. But I'm not going to give my soul to you to get my wish. Alison may be worth it, but you aren't." 

"Well, even though your words hurt me deeply, my boy, I'll keep the offer open for you. For when… Oops, I mean, _if_, you change your mind." 

"Don't bother." 

"Oh, I will. A father learns certain things when his children are growing, you do what you know is right for them no matter how much they may object at the time. Maybe someday you'll learn that for yourself, my boy. But in the meantime, I'll keep the deal on the table for you." James smiled, smugness returning as his son slouched against the wall again. "But do remember what your dear cousin, Lucy, said would you? Sometimes, you've got to make your own destiny." 

"Son of a bitch," Rafe groaned as his father quickly vanished. Now surrounded by nothing but the all too quiet night, he pushed himself away from the wall again before plowing his fist against the brick repeatedly. 

For once, he found himself glad he couldn't feel everything around him. 


	49. Chapter 49

  
**Part II: Chapter 49**   


Her foot tapped to the rhythm of the heavy bass blasting through the jukebox in the corner, with her chin resting in her hand, a smile tugged at her lips. Mouthing the words to the song, she grinned at her still chocolate covered best friend with a shrug that was anything but apologetic. Alison Barrington felt her smile widen as she shook her head, she'd honestly never felt this happy before that she could remember. 

They had a plan. Not a great plan mind you, but a plan none the less. And with any luck the man she was madly in love with just might cooperate. 

She just might get to live out one or two of her fantasies. 

Her grin was bordering on goofy, and she knew it, but couldn't force herself to care. Lucy was smiling as well, to her left, munching on fries and, to her credit, trying not to look too incredibly smug. Valerie was sitting with them, sipping hot chocolate and still apologizing for spilling Livvie's milkshake down the front of her brand new, sparkling white tank top. Come to think of it, that was pretty funny too. 

Alison fought the urge to giggle for no reason other than the fact that she was high on the bliss of waking up in the arms of her angel this morning and unimaginably thrilled that the whispered echoes of the feeling of his fingertips sliding across her skin still remained. A shiver ran down her spine, and one thought kept entering her mind. Life was good. 

It really couldn't get better than this. 

Unless of course Rafe was here. A tiny hint of her smile faded as she glanced at the clock, then back at her friends. He was late. But with another shrug, she let it slide, he'd be here. 

He'd promised to be here, and she had no doubt in her mind that that's exactly what he'd do. He was just being… delayed. And what could possibly be delaying him caused the first minuscule drop of worry to settle into her stomach. Of course, in her gleeful state, that drop barely registered even as it fell with all the might of an anvil on those old cartoons she used to curl up as watch as a little girl. 

Ah, the contradictions that came with loving the unreachable. 

But he wasn't unreachable. He was hers. He'd held her while she cried half the night, he'd dried her off in front of the blazing fire with that same tenderness of his that shook her very core. He'd taken her to bed, holding her still because she asked him to, he'd woken up with her this morning, or rather, this afternoon, and admitted that he was in no rush to leave that bed where she had curled up into him part of the night and most of the day. 

And they'd made plans for tonight. She was going to stay with him again. Holding him, touching him, being near him and being able to breathe in the scent of him. Again her giddiness hit her full force, as she pulled his jacket back on absently. The sleeves hung way past her fingertips, but she pulled them up enough to hold the cuffs in her half fisted hands. Cupping her chin again, she hid her grin behind the brown leather and inhaled the wonderful scent of him. She still wondered if maybe someone else couldn't smell him on her as well, if someone didn't just assume that it was because she was his. 

She really, _really_ wanted to be his. She wanted to be his everything. His love, his wife, the mother of his children… And knowing she couldn't be all those things sent a shard of glass into her heart. But if nothing else, then she was his love, and she knew that. And the thought let her giggles slip past her guard as the pain slid away once more to the back of her head to be dealt with at a later time. The sound earned her the curious looks of her companions, but they seemed to see the way her eyes sparkled and know. 

Shifting in her chair to get more comfortable, she stole another fry off of Livvie's plate and tried to gain something that at least resembled composure. "Just one thing, Lucy? What in the world am I going to wear?" she asked, half surprising all of them. 

Lucy smiled, and Alison would have almost sworn a flash of wickedness when through her eyes. "Don't worry, Alison. I'll take care of it. I know just the thing, I'll send Don tomorrow to buy it, then take it to you. It'll be perfect! It will knock his socks off." 

"Well," she couldn't help but giggle. "That is the point…" 

"Just his socks, though?" Val asked, covering her mouth in an effort to hide her amusement at the face made by the normally seemingly innocent blonde. It was possessive, hungry and downright sinister. 

"He will be mine," she grinned. "Oh, yes, he will be mine…" 

"I think he already is," Livvie laughed. "I think he has been since the day you were born. It's just that neither of you knew it until Lucy, Val and I stepped in and learned ya." 

"Yeah, maybe," Alison conceded, with a shrug. "Maybe destiny is just funny that way." 

Lucy bumped elbows with her playfully. "Destiny is funny in a lot of ways." 

A sudden spark of guilt went off inside of her, but was pushed aside quickly. "Lucy, he's not going to stay… No matter what I do, he's still going to leave on Christmas Eve." 

"Is that what you meant by unavailable?" Val asked somewhat absently, shooting a look over her shoulder to a whining patron at the table behind them. 

Alison just nodded, in reply to the question, and tried not to notice Lucy literally biting her tongue because it might chip away at the big block of happiness that refused to let the smile slide from her face. "Hey, when do I work again?" 

"I took the liberty of taking you off the schedule," Livvie answered, a half apologetic smile on her face. "I thought you should get to spend all the time you can with Rafe." 

Her eyes wandered around the busy restaurant, and her brows furrowed as a miniature war battled inside of her. It really wasn't fair to leave them in a lurch, but then, Livvie did have a point, she wanted to soak up all the time possible before he left. 

"I need the money anyway, Alison," Val answered before she could think much more about it. "So I'm covering a few shifts, and Livvie is taking a few so you're covered. Don't worry about it at all. Everyone completely understands, even Jamal!" 

"You know," Livvie jumped in quickly. "I didn't realize just how much work the house Jack and I bought needed. But it brought us together… It's just going to cost some big bucks to fix, so a little extra cash would be great for us." 

Alison nodded, still unsure about whether it was right, but taking them up on it before they could change their minds. "Alright… But I promise I'll pick back up… If you need me, you'll call me right? I mean, I know this is like one of the busiest times of the year." 

"We won't need you," Val answered with a grin. Livvie nodded in agreement. 

So Alison shrugged. Another shot of happiness forcing her into silence against the barely whispered, very weak arguments inside her head. She got even _more_ time with Rafe. This was too good to be true. "Oh," she said, suddenly remembering something. "You can stay back at the apartment, it'll be all yours for a while if I have anything to say about it." 

Laughter rang around the table, bringing the four of them closer together. And Alison found herself not nearly as shocked as she would have thought to be ready to label Valerie as a friend. And Lucy… Her smile dropped just a bit as she thought of how she should be able to eventually label her as family. 

But before the thought could completely process and bring her good mood crashing down around her like last night's storm, she felt the tiniest flicker of something in her stomach. Her eyes went to the door, knowing he was there before she spotted him, and once again giddy just because of that knowledge. She knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that her already wide grin grew into something that would lead most people to believe she was drunk. And she was drunk, drunk on happiness like never before. 

Giggling quietly, she knew without looking that the other three sets of eyes flew to Rafe as well, but it struck her, just how his grin seemed to falter just slightly. He was still smiling, still thrilled to see her, and she could see that as plainly as the large chocolate stain on her best friend's white shirt. But there was something in his eyes, that made it seem like he'd just been kicked in the stomach and was trying to catch is breath again. 

Her chair clattered to the floor as she stood just a little too quickly, but she paid it no mind. Her entire being was focused on one thing and one thing only. The man she loved with all her soul, and holding him until whatever little pain was hurting him went away. 

He met her in the middle of the room, bending just slightly as she wrapped her arms around his neck tightly. Her boots added a few extra inches to her height, but still he towered above her, and with his arms snugly around her waist, he straightened and literally swept her off her feet. 

She could feel his smile grow against her cheek, and that caused hers to do the same. Pressing her lips on his right dimple, Alison couldn't hold back from giggling again. "Hello, Rafe Kovich. Long time no see." 

"Hello, Alison Barrington," he replied, still grinning as he sat her gently back on the ground and dropped a kiss onto her forehead. "And yes, it has been far, far too long." 

And all at once, she couldn't help it, she just slid her hands up into his hair, stood on her tiptoes, and brought his mouth crashing down to hers. His hands found their way under his jacket that looked so much better on her, to wrap around her waist more snuggly, to pull her to him just a little more. To pull her closer, but still not close enough. 

A passing comment from Chris Ramsey was what broke them apart. "Get a room," he'd muttered while walking by, reminding them that they were indeed surrounded by people. 

It was just so easy to forget that sometimes, Alison thought, adding to her out of control grin. Looking up at her angel, she saw the look reflected in his eyes, on his lips, but still a touch of sadness remained, and she was becoming more and more anxious by the second. 

"Rafe?" she asked, her dread evident in her voice. 

"It's nothing," he replied with a more confident smile, dropping another kiss onto her slightly swollen lips. "Don't worry about it." 

"But…" A panic hit her with all the force of a sledgehammer. "You don't have to…" 

"No, no, no. Not yet anyway." 

"Ok." 

Lucy stepped up to them and cleared her throat, alerting them to her presence. "You know, you two are talking in code already. That's gotta mean something." 

A blush crept up into Alison's cheeks, but Rafe simply chuckled. "It means a lot of things, Cuz. But none of them we're gonna share with you." 

Pouting playfully, Lucy tried to hide her smirk. "Fine then, just be that way. I'm on my way out. I'm going to stop by Scott's and see Serena before I head home. So… I guess I'll see you _both_ there later on." 

He rolled his eyes, but still smiled, and tightened the arm that had somehow found it's way around Alison's waist. "Yeah, yeah, we'll see you later." 

"Ta!" Lucy shouted, rushing off before they could reply. 

"Suspicious," Rafe mumbled, a twinkle of laughter settling in his eyes. "Sorry I'm late." 

"It's alright." 

"You're order is almost ready," Val told them as she rushed to fill the coffee cup of the grumbling man from before. "Thanks again for letting me stay in the apartment. I'll see you later too, I guess? Have fun tomorrow!" 

Alison shook her head, suddenly agreeing with Rafe that they were acting suspicious. Darn it. "Ok, let's grab our order and run." 

Rafe chuckled, pulling his arm from around her to rest his hand on the small of her back, he guided her over to the table she'd been sitting at before and pulled out her chair for her. "Hello, Livvie," he grinned, before pushing Alison's chair in and taking the place Lucy had occupied only moments ago. "How are you doing?" 

"I… I'm good." 

"Glad to hear it." 

Alison laced her fingers with his under the table, unable to maintain their lack of contact when he was so close to her. The fingertips of her other hand happily drummed the rhythm of the song before on the table top. 

Rafe and Livvie exchanged idle chitchat, just everyday small talk that Alison felt no need to listen to. So she watched him instead. The way he paid complete attention to what anyone was saying, the smile on his face, the laughter in his eyes… All of it caught her attention and clung, and she found herself hoping it would remain to cling. Because the memory of him was soon to be all she had, and she didn't want to have to lose that too. 

"So, what's tomorrow?" Rafe asked, breaking her from her thoughts of how surprisingly soft his hair was. He half smirked at her as she blinked herself back into reality and the conversation. It seemed both he had Livvie knew she'd been a million miles away for a while now, and he looked fairly prepared to tease her for it. 

But she really didn't mind that at all. "We're having dinner at the Grille with Lucy, Kevin, Livvie and Jack tomorrow night," Alison replied a minute or so later. 

Rafe made a face that caused her to giggle as he asked dreadfully, "Do I have to wear a tie?" 

"No," Alison laughed, leaning over to kiss him. "But you do have to wear a tux for Lucy's Christmas party." 

He sighed, both from relief and unhappiness. "The things I do for my family…" He brought his smiling lips back down to hers, mentally cursing his inability to keep any sort of a distance from her, especially when they were already so close. 

Livvie cleared her throat, causing the love birds to break away from each other unhappily. "Bob just said your order is up. Why don't you two go get your food them head home so maybe you can cut back on the PDA's." 

Laughing guiltily, Alison stood when Rafe tugged on her hand, refusing to release their hold on each other. "Thanks. I'll talk to you later?" 

Standing as well, her best friend nodded. "Yeah, tomorrow." 

Giving Livvie a hug, she turned to walk to the counter with her angel. "Hey, remember to call me if you need me, alright?" 

"We won't need you," Val answered for the other girl, handing them their bag. "Wait just a second and I'll get you some hot chocolate to go." 

"Ok, thanks again!" Alison called as her onetime rival rushed to the back without waiting for a reply. Looking to her side, she grinned again as she noticed Chris Ramsey slouched over on his barstool. "Hello, Chris. How are you?" 

"Horrible," he sighed. Cringing as he found himself replying honestly. "I kissed your grandmother a few days ago and she fired me." 

"You… _kissed_ my grandmother? Amanda Barrington?" Disbelief was etched into her face as she fought to control her laughter. "You seriously kissed my grandmother?" 

"Yes," Chris groaned, burying his head in his hands. "And then the old bag fired me!" 

Rafe chuckled as Alison finally let her laughter win. Both earning glares from the man now holding a martini glass. "Sorry to hear that," the angel replied, trying to put a cap on his humor at the situation. "Maybe if you just give her time to… cool off it'll be better." 

"Right," Alison said, nodding as she too tried to control her giggles. "And, you know, if not then I'll talk to her after Christmas for you." 

"Why?" 

"Because I'm in such a good mood a feel like sharing my joy!" 

Groaning once more, Chris drowned the last of his martini before replying. "You know, you're so chipper it's difficult to be depressed. Get your hot chocolate and go home and be happy someplace else! I want to sulk." 

Grabbing their cups as Valerie handed them, Rafe and Alison both nodded a thanks, then said their goodbyes. Quickly, they left, getting out into the cold air just as their laughter once again took over. 

A fleeting thought went through Alison's mind as she held her aching sides and glanced over at the man she was madly in love with. She never wanted the high of their joy to end. 


	50. Chapter 50

  
**Part II: Chapter 50**   


He sighed softly as he pulled her to him. She didn't fight him, she didn't have the need or the want to. She just settled back against his chest, loving the feeling she got just from being in his arms. She'd tried watching a movie, only to find herself distracted by him. And he was light-years away from her. 

They'd laughed the short drive back to Lucy's. They'd talked with smiles that couldn't be tamed during dinner. And then sometime in the middle of _Miracle On 34th Street_ they fell into a comfortable silence and Rafe lost himself in his thoughts. 

The movie still played, black and white scenes flickering across the screen, the characters voices soft. It was really kind of silly to be watching this movie with him, she'd thought after turning the channel over. Here she was curled up with her very own Christmas miracle, her angel, and watching a movie about how Santa Claus was real. 

Alison hadn't voiced the thought. She was still just trying to figure out what was going on with the man she loved. 

Through it all, the laughing, the talking, the more than a little making out like a couple of teenagers, and now just sitting here in silence pretending to watch a movie, something had been off. Something was off, and she couldn't pinpoint what that was. It scared her.

His eyes had held a touch of sadness, his shoulders were tense, his movements so controlled it seemed like he was fighting off the urge to hit something. A swirl of emotions could be seen in him --- he couldn't hide anything from her any better than he could lie --- but he'd tried to push them aside, so she tried to do the same with her worry.

Rafe sighed again almost silently, burying his face in her hair, inhaling the scent of her as if it were oxygen he needed to breathe. "Don't," he nearly pleaded, before she'd had a chance to open her mouth to inquire about his actions. "I-I can't, Alison."

So she nodded, swallowing down the lump in her throat that could be any number of things, but was more than likely just pure, untamed fear. "Alright," she whispered instead, moving just so to manage to capture his lips for an all too brief second with her own. She pulled his arms tighter around her, forcing her eyes back to the TV screen.

"I would if I could."

"But you can't."

Rafe chuckled, the sound bitter even to his own ears. His fingers toyed with her hair, once again smooth thanks in no small part to some extra strength conditioner of Lucy's. As the strands fell through his fingers softly, it was frightening that he found it almost symbolic. He couldn't see her face, but he knew she was trying not to pout. His knuckles brushed across her cheek, and he pressed a kiss onto her neck before sighing, "I want to stay with you, Alison. I want a lifetime of holding you this way."

"But you can't," she whispered past the growing lump in her throat. "I know, Rafe."

Again, he chuckled, and again the bitterness it held sent them both reeling. But other than pulling back just the fraction of an inch, he didn't respond.

"Rafe," Alison sighed, pulling away, turning to sit on her knees to face him. "Hey, I understand," she murmured, her hand under his jaw to bring his eyes to hers. "I know you have to go. And I know that if you could stay, then you would in a heartbeat."

His eyes darted away from hers, and he licked his lips nervously.

Her eyes narrowed. "Rafe?"

"I-I can't, Alison… It's just… Not that way, I can't."

"Tell me."

Rafe shook his head. He fingered the hem of the t-shirt she wore, fiddling with it absently, his fingers brushing her bare thigh as he did so. Opening his mouth to reply, he clamped it shut again, with another shake of his head, he offered only a slightly wobbly smile, hoping she couldn't tell that tears were burning his eyes. "Why are you wearing my t-shirt to bed anyway?"

"Because it's comfortable." She pushed his hand away, finding it too distracting for her own good. "Tell me, Rafe."

"I'm not complaining, it looks good… No, it looks great on you. The shirt has never had it so good!"

"Rafe," Alison groaned, crossing her arms in front of her and attempting to look stern.

He had to turn his eyes away from the way that action emphasized her breasts. "I can't."

"You can't tell me?"

Rafe sighed again, shaking his head. "Alison, it's just… Can we say I had a meeting I didn't want and leave it at that?"

"Do you have to leave?" 

"My father sort of…" 

"Your _father_?" 

He put distance between them, rolled off the bed to pace. Hoping the movement would ease the tension a little more than anything else he'd tried. "He… It's a long story." 

A frown tugged at her lips, her eyebrows furrowing. "Y-You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, Rafe. I mean… I don't tell you about my family." 

"I know about your family, Alison. I know about your life, that's what makes this so unfair. I'm not suppose to tell you… And I- I can't do it, alright?" 

"We've broken rules before, Rafe," she murmured, tears stinging her suddenly when she tried to smile teasingly. "B-But it's… It's alright." 

He cursed when her voice wavered. Turning and crossing back to her quickly, his hands on her face, his lips to hers in a matter of seconds. Before the thought had even registered, he was kissing her breathless, senseless, needing to comfort and be comforted and… _her_. He just needed her. 

The thought hit him in the gut, and he broke the kiss, swearing again. 

Alison tried to smile, she ordered herself not to push. "You know, for an angel you sure have some colorful language there, Rafe." 

Leaning against the opposite wall, he attempted to return her smile, failing only slightly less than she had. "I haven't even started in Hungarian or Russian yet. Nadia did teach me a thing or two…"

"I thought Nadia was younger."

"She is. She's also the one with the temper." His smile turned rueful, and he shook his head slightly at the memories that still assaulted him sometimes.

"You don't have to tell me."

He crossed back to her, sitting down on the edge of the bed and taking her hand in his. "It's not that I don't want to," Rafe explained softly, his eyes burning as he brought her hand to his mouth, placing random kisses along her fingers, palm and wrist with a gentleness that made her gasp. "It's not even about rules. It's just that all of it… All of them… It's blurry sometimes, and too sharp the rest. It hurts to remember."

Alison pulled her hand from his hold gently, sliding it up his arm and frowning at the t-shirt he wore that barred her from more of his skin. "It's just… I love you."

Rafe nodded before touching his forehead to hers. "I know." Capturing her other hand, he brushed his lips across her knuckles. "And I love you. But that doesn't make it easier."

"I know." Her hand fell from his, touched down on his cheek for just a moment before she was moving to sit behind him. With a knee on either side of him, she started working at the tense muscles of his shoulders, placing a kiss on the back of his neck that made him shiver. "I never really saw any of my family enough to build a relationship with them except for my grandmother. And even with her… Well, you know how that went."

He smiled, nodded once before dipping his chin as her hands moved to the back of his neck. "I used to think when I was little that we were all really close. In all honesty I think it was just Nadia I was close to. Everyone else had their own problems and we were the ones that stuck together to try and fix them all. Ela was… insane," he chuckled softly. "My… our father pushed her away to keep her safe and she acted out by doing anything and anyone. Anya, was always trying to give her all the attention she though she needed, but it was never enough. That's the way of my family, nothing is ever enough." 

"Who is Anya?" 

Opening eyes that he only just realized had drifted shut, it took him a second to understand what she meant. "Oh. My mother. 'Anya' means '_mother_' in Hungarian. Old habits die hard, I guess. I still slip every now and then." 

With the heels of her hands, Alison worked her way down his back, along his spine as she said, "I just know English. And not very well at that." A smile played on her lips, and she slid her hands under the shirt he wore to find his skin, soft and warm just like in her dream. "My mother tried to teach me French once, so I wouldn't embarrass her while we were in Paris. After about twenty minutes she gave up. I always meant to take a class or something to learn it." 

"Quelque chose vous vouloir?," he grinned. "Anything you want." 

"You know French?" 

"Languages were required learning with us," Rafe answered with a nod. "Hungarian was my first language, but English was thrown in from the very start, I think if my father had completely had his way it would have been our first language and the others forgotten. But my mother ruled there, she loved words, so she taught all three of us as many as she knew then got my father in on the action. I can hold my own in a lot of languages. French, German, Italian, Spanish, Hebrew, Portuguese and Russian I'm fairly fluent in. Though I might have to make someone talk slower once in a while." 

Continuing to work her hands across his back to get him to relax, she stared at him with an odd sort of awe. "What language _can't you speak?" _

"Japanese." 

"Japanese," she repeated, shaking her head. "Lift up your arms." 

"Nadia and I had this game—after Anya got so wrapped up in trying to take care of Ela—we'd pick a random language and see who could memorize the most words in a week, then we kept going until we could carry on a conversation. When we could fly to that country and not miss a beat, then we'd move on to another one. We were just getting to Japanese when…" Rafe broke off his words and did as he was told, not all that surprised when she stood up on her knees to get his shirt off of him, the swell of her breasts brushing against his back in the process. 

"You didn't pick it up later?" 

"Sort of had other things on my mind." Rafe answered simply, shrugging his shoulders. 

"Right. And it sort of would have been cheating." She looked down at him, almost hoping this new view would give her better access to what was really happening. Of course, if she flat out asked him again he'd probably tell her. "I'm thinking you should never wear a shirt again," she said instead. 

"Alison?" he asked, unable to keep from grinning. 

"Afraid you'll get cold?" she teased, settling in behind him once more. Her smile came out again as she brushed her lips against his now bare shoulder, her hands returning to their work free and clear from the barrier that was his black t-shirt. Massaging his back in a series of small circles and trying to carve the feeling of his skin into her memory. 

"Not a chance," he murmured. "I don't feel the cold." He knew that she could sense his smile more than see it as he continued, "I'm more afraid that you'll take advantage of my relaxed state." 

"Relaxed?" 

"Miracle hands you've got there, Alison. Miracle hands." 

Alison laughed, bringing her lips to his skin again, brushing them across the scar she didn't dare mention. She felt him tense, and realized that he knew all too well the thoughts going through her mind. But she stopped him from pulling away by returning her hands to his shoulders. "You could relax more, you know. I don't think the world would implode if you happened to try and forget everything." 

"And we're back to the you trying to take advantage of me theory," he joked, earning himself a poke in the side that caused him to jump. "That's cheating!" Rafe cried, opening his eyes widely for the first time in a long time. 

"Rafe," Alison whispered, biting her lip to keep from laughing. "If I didn't know any better I'd think you were ticklish." As if to prove her point, she poked him again in the same spot, and couldn't stop laughing as he jumped, this time off the bed and away from her completely. 

"That… That is so not funny, Alison." 

Her hand came up to try and hide her smile, and she tried to compose herself to no avail, so she nodded instead, figuring that the truth was on her side. 

But he leaned forward, his hands on the bed, his weight on his knuckles as his face stopped only inches from hers. His grin couldn't be masked, and she was just a little worried by the hint of a mischievousness it held. "I love your smile," Rafe whispered. 

She reached out, her hands aiming for his sides in defense of what she knew was about to come. But he was quicker than her, much, much quicker. Alison laughed in surprise when held both her wrists. "Rafe, I love you," she murmured sweetly, her eyes widening in what she hoped was an innocent look. 

It may have worked, because the grip on one hand lessened and she took the opportunity only to have him catch her wrist again before she could make contact. 

"Really, Alison," he sighed, a smile fighting its way onto his face despite his best efforts to look stern. "I can't believe you think I would fall for that." 

"It was worth a shot," she shrugged, still grinning herself. "Don't you think it was worth a shot, Rafe?" Leaning forward, she kissed his lips once, then again before pressing a series of kisses along his jaw and pulling back. She thought he'd come after her. 

He didn't. 

Rafe let go of her wrists wrapping his arms around her waist instead, pulling her to him and burying his face in the crook of her neck. In one swift movement, she was sitting in his lap, and he was inhaling her hair. 

Her arms wrapped around his neck, the sudden change in mood throwing her into a state of mild surprise. She just hugged him tightly, held him, ran her fingers through his hair and tried not to be freaked out by the tears she could feel hot against her skin. 

One thing hit her hard, rang loud and clear through the air, and the worry settled in again. Because no matter what, with all that they'd been through already, he was the strong one. He was the one wiping away her tears. 

She'd never seen him cry. 

His name passed her lips on a whisper, again and again in hopes of getting him to look at her. Or at the very least stop crying so he would. 

Alison straddled his lap, wrapping herself around him as if hoping that maybe if she just got close enough… What then she didn't know for sure. She just knew that right now she wanted to crawl into him so they could both ease the emptiness that came with the truth and feel complete, if just for a little while. 

He sniffled, turned his head to press his eyes against her shoulder, obviously embarrassed and just a little bit in shock. "I…" he started, only to trail off at a loss for words. 

It didn't matter. She shushed him, shaking her head and using the grip she had on his hair to tug him back gently, just enough to look at him. "It's alright." 

"No it isn't." 

"Rafe-" 

"Alison," he groaned. "It isn't alright. I-I can't do this." 

She wiped his damp cheeks, ignoring his wince. "What can't you do, Rafe?" 

"I can't break down like this. I-I can't do any of this and expect us both to come out of it alright." Swallowing hard, he settled his forehead against her shoulder again. Tears still stinging his eyes as empty promises from his father echoed through his mind. Just one itty, bitty soul for a lifetime of happiness. A lifetime of her and their children and their grandchildren. Rafe shook his head, pushing back the thought. "I want an eternity with you, Alison. And… And we can't have Destiny, or grandkids to tell our insane little fairytale to, but we can… Eventually, we can still be together. Forever." 

Her reply was lost on his lips as they found hers in desperation. Desperation so thick she could taste it in his mouth, salty like the tears they'd both shed far too many of in so little time. But she returned it, matched his level of despair with desire and tried to sway him back to her, before he tried to pull away and declare this unfair to her, before he could think enough to realize that this could only make matters worse. Alison's tongue found it's way past his lips, flicking against the roof of his mouth, and she didn't feel guilty even knowing that in his right mind he wouldn't do this. Because something inside of her screamed that he needed her close to him right now, and nothing was going to stop her from trying to heal his emotional wounds the way he'd healed the cuts on her hand only a few days ago. 

His hands found their way up her thighs and under the oversized t-shirt she wore to find her bare beneath it save for the thong Lucy had so thoughtfully provided in the bag of clothes dropped at the foot of the bed before Alison had even awakened. He groaned at his new knowledge, this time the curse he muttered _was_ in Hungarian. He held her tighter since as long as that blasted shirt was in the way she couldn't get any closer. 

Alison broke her lips from his, needing oxygen before she passed out. But to her surprise, he didn't pull away, just went after her neck, sucking, biting, kissing. A moan escaped her as his teeth nipped at her collar bone then started back up, her fingernails dug into his scalp, encouraging him just in case he didn't get it when she tilted her head back to give him better access. 

The hand that had been all to happily roaming across her stomach went up, cupping her breast and drawing a gasp from both of them. Rafe shuddered, grinned against her skin as she moaned at his actions. Her hips shifted, looking to ease a building ache, and he met her. 

He tried to think, but it wasn't something he was good at in times like these. All he knew was that he has _never_ been this hard before. That he'd never wanted- No, _needed_ someone like this. Not so much that it made his eyes sting as the heat of her skin threatened to engulf him in flames. Never before had he been so willing to walk into the fire. 

And, God help him, he wanted to be inside of her so much he'd be willing to sign the damn deal. Sell his soul for one more kiss. Go through the loop hole that only gave him three measly more months because it was still more time than they had now and he wasn't close enough to her. He couldn't _get_ close enough to her. 

"Szeretlek Alison. Szeretnék venni -t csinál ön bánya," Rafe whispered, his words gasped as he fought for breath and fanning across her skin, drawing another moan from her. 

Anything. He'd give absolutely anything to keep her making those encouraging little noises in the back of his throat. Anything to feel her like this, to be able to touch her. 

He couldn't do this. He couldn't keep this up and _not_ sign the deal. He didn't have the strength to walk away. Not knowing how she'd sound calling out his name as she plunged over the edge. 

"Szeretlek," he said, repeating it again and again, between kisses, almost unaware that he was doing it at all. Between the taste and feel of her skin and her nails sliding down his back, leaving marks but not breaking skin, there wasn't room for much else. 

It took him awhile, but he regained enough of his senses to realize that she was practically bent over backwards. And Rafe knew that he should pull away from her, try and prevent any further pain for her, but he couldn't seem to force himself to tear his lips from her skin. He exhaled sharply against her neck, and she shuddered. 

He knew she had to be uncomfortable, but she wasn't about to complain. He chuckled and sat up straight, his hands sliding to her back to urge her to do so as well. She was pouting as her forehead came to rest against his. And it was impossible to even try and resist the urge to kiss her, so he didn't bother fighting with himself. 

A light push of her hand on his shoulder and he laid back on the mattress only to roll over and hover above her. Once again their foreheads came together, their breathing ragged as they struggled with the need for air and the need for each other. 

She spoke first. "Rafe, I swear, if you tell me you can't…" 

Rafe just chuckled in response. "I would, but then you might just set out to prove me wrong. I don't like being proven wrong, so I'm not saying anything." 

"Good." Her mouth captured his once more, her hands wandering across his skin, warm and smooth and intoxicating and addicting all in one. Her hand brushed his side playfully, and if the way he jumped was any indication, she figured she'd found his ticklish spot again. 

But before she could investigate her theory further, he'd captured her wrists, holding them both in one of his hands above her head. He nibbled on her bottom lip with a smile before a sweep of his tongue attempted to sooth it, and she was so focused on their mouths she somehow missed his hand drifting to her side. 

His plan became all too clear just a moment too late when he broke the kiss to grin at her triumphantly. "Payback is such a bitch," he whispered before tickling her. 

Alison squealed as she laughed and squirmed underneath him. "Ok, ok," she cried. "You win, Rafe! You win!" 

Rafe didn't answer, just found her mouth with his again, keeping her wrists locked above her head in his hand. 


	51. Chapter 51

  
**Part II: Chapter 51**   


Her skin was softer than he'd imagined. 

His lips brushed her shoulder, still half asleep and trying to pretend he was still further gone than that. 

She was breathing deeply, evenly, a smile on her lips as she dreamt, but of what he didn't know. All he knew was that with his eyes closed they weren't two people. They weren't losing each other a little more as the minute hand marched forward. 

They were just a tangled mass of warmth and love and flesh. 

Too tangled to detect where he ended and she began, too warm to move from the bed and into the cold, too much in love to think of leaving. 

There was a voice in the back of his mind calling him, and he tried to ignore it. Decided to pretend he couldn't hear. But it was there, trying to force him to awaken, to tear himself away. A voice demanding a meeting, wanting it now. 

With a troubled sigh, Rafe opened his eyes. Another kiss fell to her bare shoulder, then one on the top of her head. And despite the worries creeping back to him—sinking their teeth in and drawing his blood—he couldn't stop the smile that came to him with the site of her sleeping form. 

She slept with her mouth open, drooling just a little, the corner of her lips twisted into a smile. Her hair was as tasseled and tangled as it had ever been, off in every direction and across his pillow. But her hand was curled around his bicep, holding him close. 

His fingertips danced across the small of her back in lazy circles absently, as he tried to calculate just how long he could stay here before ruffling feathers that he'd have to smooth down later. 

Dawn was slowly slinking in, lighting up the room gradually. With his back to the window, he was content to watch the sunrise on her face. Too beautiful for words, how the darkness faded to bring daylight again, the knowledge in his blood—in the slayer that lay inside of him—that the evil was retreating, surrendering to the power of the sun. Soon it would be safer, without the demons that roamed the night, it gave him peace to know that she was less likely to fall to harm. 

This had always been his favorite time of day. A time to have a drink and celebrate surviving another night. Because in his family, a lifetime was made of nights and the battle. Dawn marked another victory for a slayer, sunrise was loved because it meant another day. 

Funny how his reason for loving it so much before came back now to bite him. Sunrise meant he was another day closer to losing her. Another day closer to dying again.  And even as he hated the sun for rising, he was falling in love with the way the early morning light fell across her features. 

And he was struck with the knowledge that he'd do anything—give anything—just to be able to watch it again and again. To wake with her in his arms. Lost in the warmth and softness of her skin. Longing for the taste of her mouth but refusing to wake her. 

Flashes of the night before were still lingering in his mind. Tongues dueling for control, not being able to breathe and not wanting to separate for a second, the fire of her flesh, her legs wrapped around him. The catch in her voice as she'd cried his name. Her fingers twined with his. Palm against palm, chest against chest, hearts beating wildly and almost in sync. 

And knowing—with everything he was—_knowing _that Heaven didn't compare. 

In all his languages, all the words his mother cherished, he was left blank when searching for an adequate description. 

She was his everything. Heart, mind, soul. 

Every thought he had, every idea, every word that whispered inside his mind was all about her. Wanting her. Needing her. Searching for another way to stay. Loving her. Loving this feeling. Not ever wanting to leave the safety net of this bed and her arms. A war of the devil and the angel inside of him, to sign or not to sign. 

It was a useless war. She was his mind, she'd made his choice. 

This petite blonde held his heart inside of her hand, clutched it tightly with her slender fingers. Clutched it so tightly her fingernails, long and painted a pale pink, left tiny half moon shapes, made it bleed and still he wanted more. 

They were soul mates, two halves of one soul that fit like two puzzle pieces that belonged together. It was a silly concept, one he'd snorted at multiple times when Nadia's addiction to trashy paperback romance novels created a discussion. But it was true, he believed it now, knew it as fact. They were created for each other. 

But somehow, when someone had decided to take destiny by the reigns, fate got messed up. 

And they got screwed of the opportunity to live happily ever after like the books declared. 

Life is pain. He remembered chuckling when Ela had told him that, back when he was still naive enough to believe her when she said that she wouldn't do anything stupid. He'd thought she was joking, or maybe he'd only hoped because it took so much energy to explain away her bloodshot eyes. But he could see, after he died, the truth of the statement. Or maybe he saw it before that, but things blurred and he couldn't be sure. 

Life was pain. No one on this Earth was completely without it. And he knew it, could see it in people when he walked down the street, could sense it up there, read about it in all his case files. Living was just one big long stretch of pain and heartbreak. Emptiness, miscommunication, loneliness, yearning, wanting, never receiving, screaming, crying, loving, losing, fighting, screwing… The world was just one big pit of despair and an eternity battling people's emotions wasn't going to change that. Life. Was. Pain. 

But, God, he wanted it back. 

He wanted the cold back, wanted to burn his tongue on hot chocolate, wanted to twist his ankle fighting, wanted to sport a black eye because Nadia had days where she could kick his ass when they sparred. He wanted Alison to break his skin when she ran her nails down his back, he wanted to feel the sting later in the shower and flashback to that moment. He wanted the pain, the heartache, the life he kept getting a taste of only to have it yanked from his hand. 

Wanted it so much it hurt. 

The angel in his head sighed, pouted, and picked that time to play the big guns. _'You can't love her without a soul!'_ it shouted, forcing him to pay attention, listen to reason. 

He wasn't going to sign it. He couldn't. She was the one that stirred his soul, the one that took possession of it the first time she'd laughed in his presence. What right did he have to sell what didn't even belong to him in the first place? And did he really want to be the thing he fought against his entire life? Did he wanted to let something soulless near this beautiful, perfect, innocent woman? 

Alison sighed softly, contentment lacing the sound, shifted in her sleep and smiled just a little wider. And he could feel it against his skin. Her hand uncurled, sliding up his arm, causing him to take a deep breath. She fought for a second to wake up, then seemed to give up the urge as her hand settled flat against his back and he relaxed into her embrace. 

"God," he prayed, his voice not even a whisper. "Please give me strength." 

That's what it all came down to. It wasn't right or wrong. It wasn't for her or for him. It wasn't even did he love her enough or not. What it all came down to, was whether or not he was strong enough to walk away from her. 

Was he strong enough to taste her, to hold her much longer, to have another morning like this and not drown in everything that he desired most in life and then in death? Was he strong enough to turn away from his every fantasy in order to let her led the life she deserved? 

The voice was growing louder, more demanding and he knew it was time to go. But leaving her was hard, and it just kept getting harder. When the night finally came, it was going to be impossible. 

Gently, determined not to wake her, he untangled his hand from her hair. Slowly, so as to savor every second of contact their skin had, he pulled away from her. Until his feet were on the floor and he was pulling on a pair of jeans. 

That damn demanding voice was getting impatient. A shower would have to wait. Grumbling quietly to himself, he stood and finished a quick version of getting ready. 

They used to have to do this all the time. Get up at a moments notice and be ready to go, ready to battle before a cup of coffee. And he used to be able to do it, didn't take him ten minutes to be ready to fight whatever it was that needing to be fought, to protect whoever needed protecting. He could still remember the first time they'd had to do that drill, a teaching tool of his fathers. Nadia had stood at the bottom of the stairs, just barely twelve, still in her nightgown with her hands on her hips, threatening his father within an inch of his life if he _ever_ tried that again. 

She'd never gotten over that attitude when she had to rush. Always was more brutal in the fight because she was in a bad mood. That girl never had a good day that didn't start with breakfast. And James never did that drill again, because if he was afraid of anything in his life that wasn't death it was Nadia. 

Shaking the memories from his head, Rafe smiled, missing his cousin and hating the flashes he'd been getting since coming to this town. Because she was his constant, his conscious from time to time, and the one that knew what was right, always without fail. She was the better of them, and she would know what he should do right now. 

Boots in his hand, Rafe crossed back to the bed in socked feet and placed a kiss on his love's forehead before walking into the living room. Only then did he pull on his boots, not bothering to tie them, and scribble a note just in case he didn't get back before she woke up. With a sigh, he grabbed his coat as he slipped out the door. 

He could just do a neat little transport thing, but he wanted to walk. His meeting could wait, he didn't want it anyway. The sun was shining by now, bright across the white snow, though soon the snow would become the gray slush like it only could in cities. And there was a metaphor hidden in that, but he was far too tired to mull over it. 

It was still so early, snow birds could be heard, and the streets were deserted. The few travelers actually going home, to rest in their warm beds after staying out all night some for work and some for play, and very few knew just how closely those two could be twined. Rafe smiled, hands buried in his pocket and the blue sky cloudless above him. Because, God, he'd never enjoyed a job more than this one. Long lost family and the woman that should have been his forever. 

They'd been up most of the night, playing, talking, teasing. No more tears because they didn't do a damn bit of good and if you wanted something in this world or any other you had to fight for it. She'd laughed, the sound something like music, her eyes bright, more alive than he could remember them being since he'd bumped into her and her overcooked muffins. And it seemed like a lifetime ago, and it seemed like he'd just left the bike shop with a smile all at the same time. 

He figured maybe it was love that made him feel this way. Because moping wasn't going to get him anywhere and he would like to think of himself as above it. 

Most of the snow had been cleared from the streets, sand and salt replacing it. Occasionally, piles of gray and brown littered snow were on the sidewalk in front of him, forcing his attention to be somewhat kept on his surroundings, pulling him from the damn haze that was equal parts regrets, joy and wishful thinking. All parts Alison. 

He'd always loved the winter, not here in this city, in this country even. But he remembered once with Nadia, skiing… somewhere, he'd forgotten the name of, just barely old enough to remember if he didn't have death blocking his mind. The snow seemed to go on forever, and they'd laughed and thrown snowballs 'til their hands were numb, and that was when his father decided Nadia had it. The ability to slay. Or at the very least damn perfect aim. 

She blamed herself for his death, and he'd always known that she would. His best friend in the world and he missed her like mad because he'd finally found everything they'd searched their entire lives for, the light at the end of the endless darkness that was their existence, and she wasn't even here to know it. And she was too wrapped up in guilt to find it for herself, for the both of them. 

Alison was in their bed, naked beneath the covers, and he was out in the snow, walking towards a meeting that could very well be his doom. And anything would be better than thinking of her face if he didn't return. Faded, stinging memories might just cut it for now, but soon enough it wouldn't be enough. 

There wasn't enough to think of to not think of her, she'd taken him over so completely. 

So his thoughts jumped, bounded around all over the place. Eyes searching for anything to catch his attention, but not, he assured himself, to sooth his nerves. Walking nearly blindly to a meeting he knew nothing about. He wasn't sure he was ready for what was about to come, and he hated being unprepared. 

It went against all his training. Being almost unaware of his surroundings, with nothing to protect himself from what would undoubtedly come when he was least ready for it. 

Rafe stopped across the street from the entrance to the park, his eyes finally catching on something that caught up and rang in his mind, getting his full attention for a moment at least. 

Lucy. 

And Kevin. 

Lucy and Kevin together. Kissing. 

He grinned, almost laughed, gave himself a mental pat on the back and went to another entrance so as not to disturb them. Especially since Lucy had been so kind as to do the same for him. Although, that did explain why she hadn't been waiting outside the bedroom door demanding to know if he was staying or not the minute he'd walked out of there. 

He wished he knew the answer to that. 

Could he really do it? Love her and leave her? 

"You don't have to, you know." 

Stopping a few feet short of his father, Rafe shrugged, eyes not landing on the other man. "I know." 


End file.
